


Mad as a Box of Frogs

by The_Clamp



Series: Mad as a Box of Frogs [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Clouds Are Cool, Consent is Sexy, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dealing With Loss, Doctor/Nurse, Dr Son, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, Facts About Weather, Hyungwon Is a Shy Boy, Kissing, Learning to understand each other, M/M, Making Love, Mental Health Issues, Minhyuk Is Lovably Annoying, Nurse Yoo, Oral Sex, PTSD, Past Suicide Attempt, Psychiatric Unit AU, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Soft Boys, Tender Sex, mentions of domestic abuse, respecting boundaries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-04-24 06:44:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 85,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19167907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Clamp/pseuds/The_Clamp
Summary: Minhyuk gets a roommate in the psychiatric unit he’s called home for almost a year. Hyungwon is a quiet, shy young man and Minhyuk is loud and excitable but they seem to fit together the right way.Oh, and Minhyuk hears a voice in his head who loves to talk about the weather.Featuring: Dr Son and Nurse Yoo skirting around a certain Christmas party incident and Jooheon who’s obsessed with circles and squares.______________Despite circumstances, this is hopefully going to be a generally uplifting story about turning the corner and healing. Though, the journey is hard and there are some pretty serious themes and certain things won’t be sugarcoated.





	1. Cumulus

**Author's Note:**

> As a heads up, this story obviously contains mentions of various mental health issues. So proceed with caution as although this is generally supposed to be a positive story I don’t really like to sugarcoat certain things. 
> 
> After my previous fic I wanted to write something that is kinda the opposite? 
> 
> Oh, and I should say I don’t really know what the mental health system is like in South Korea so I’m drawing on what it’s like in my country. Please take it with a pinch of salt.

**Cumulus clouds, otherwise known as fair weather clouds, develop in the the late mornings of clear, sunny days when the sun heats the ground below.**

 

Minhyuk was always a little unusual. As a child he had no real concentration span to speak of and quick to break into tears at the slightest thing yet quick to smile again. 

Everyone had an opinion and some sort of advice for his parents. Other kid’s parents, family, teachers and doctors. One thing they had in common was they’d always talk about him like he wasn’t even there. Like he was invisible or incapable of having his feelings hurt. 

_“He’ll grow out of it.”_

_“Poor thing is just sensitive.”_

_“Imaginary friends are normal for kids.”_

_“He’s unique.”_

_“He just needs an outlet.”_

_“He needs a father figure.”_

_“He’s just eccentric.”_

_“He’s a teenager.”_

_“He needs discipline.”_

_“He’ll get better with the right medication.”_

_“He needs therapy.”_

_“He’s not right in the head.”_

_“He hears voices. He’s not safe around my son.”_

_“He’s broken.”_

_“He’s crazy.”_

_“He isn’t normal.”_

_“He can’t be helped.”_

_“He’s insane.”_

_“He needs to be locked away.”_

 

Minhyuk had been called a lot of things in his life. Some he’d take more offence to than others but everything hurt on some level. 

 

_“Freak.”_

_“Broken.”_

_“Crazy.”_

_“Psycho.”_

_“Lunatic.”_

_“Schizo.”_

_“Fag.”_

_“Maniac.”_

_“Problem.”_

 

He had been a weird kid and an even weirder teenager. The mess of hormones and his unique brain cooked up a perfect storm after his father left, unable to deal with him. His mother had to allow him to be sectioned for a few months because he lost his grip on reality temporarily.

He turned into a really fucking weird twenty-something, too. 

To him, his thought processes were just different to the norm. But others didn’t tend to see it that way, they didn’t understand and nobody ever bothered to try. Except his mother. She always did her best to see things from his point of view. But that wasn’t always enough because the world was cruel. 

**You aren’t the same as everyone else. You’re different. People don’t like different.**

Despite everything, he almost always maintained a sunny demeanour. He certainly wasn’t dangerous, he wouldn't even squish a bug. Unfortunately, his kind and giving nature meant he was easily taken advantage of by people as he reached adulthood. He was vulnerable and falsely confident, people preyed on that. 

Sometimes he felt sad and sometimes he felt worse than sad. He fell into some self destructive patterns of impulsive behaviour. In the end, it lead to him choking down handfuls of his medication. He swallowed every single pill, feeling them stick to his dry throat, and wandered out to the street to wait for the release of death. 

Death almost came. 

Almost. 

Looking back, he was glad he didn’t die that day. But it did land him in a psychiatric unit for the second time in his life. He was terrified but as he’d find out, it was different to the one he’d been in briefly as a young teenager. Not that he remembered much about that experience. 

Kids at school did always say he belonged in the crazy house and here he was, being walked though he halls by an orderly towards someone outside of a door. He was scared, so fucking scared. He didn’t want to be locked in an empty room and forced to swallow pills that made him feel like a corpse again. 

“Do you understand why your mother placed you here?” A brown haired man by the door asked when he arrived. Charge Nurse Yoo, according to his ID. 

**Because she loves you.**

“Because I tried to die and she was afraid.” Minhyuk uttered quietly before bursting into tears, reaching out and clinging onto the nurse in front of him. 

“Hey it’s ok...” Nurse Yoo rubbed his back soothingly. “We will help you, ok? You’re under Dr Son and he is the best doctor in this place, I promise.”

**Why didn’t he push you away? You’re a crazy person and you just grabbed him.**

Once he’d calmed down he was brought into Dr Son’s office. Minhyuk hated doctors, always associated them with negativity. This man wasn’t what he expected, though. He was young and had a stoic but kind face. 

When Minhyuk sat, arms holding himself, the doctor introduced himself and ran over the rules of the facility briefly. Not that Minhyuk really took in what he was saying. 

“We will treat your depression first and foremost. You mother said over the past nine months you’ve been engaging in increasingly risky behaviours and that you were becoming paranoid so I am concerned you may be at risk of suffering another psychotic episode. You experience near constant auditory hallucinations, right?”

“J-Just one. I only hear one.” There had always just been one, except that time when he was a teenager he heard many and they’d said terrible things to him. 

“And has it’s demeanour changed recently? I ask because it’s actually sometimes a good indicator or someone’s mental well-being.”

“No. Just chatter.” Sometimes the voice was a little critical of him but usually it was benign. By this point he couldn’t really imagine being without it. 

“I understand you refused to continue antipsychotics after your episode of psychosis because you disliked the side effects? So, as long as I believe you are lucid and the voice is not distressing I will refrain from prescribing such medications. Hearing voices isn’t necessarily harmful or requiring of treatment.” Dr Son continued. 

“The antipsychotics made him sound so far away... it was lonely.” Minhyuk curled in on himself more, almost ashamed of his words. He was a little confused as to why the doctor wasn’t simply drugging him up to the eyeballs. Isn’t that what doctors did?

“As I said, we shall treat the depression and suicidal thoughts as a priority. You’ll receive group and one-to-one therapy and I will increase your SSRIs and benzodiazepines. I will hold off on anything like Chlorpromazine because I do not believe your perception of reality is compromised to a point of needing that kind of intervention and I’d rather treat you in a way you agree with. How does that sound?”

Minhyuk looked up and slowly nodded. 

**He talks to you like a person. Not like the other doctors. At best they treat you like you’re stupid. Like you aren’t capable of rational thoughts. But you are. You’re sharper than they give you credit for, you’re smart. This man wants to help you and he knows you aren’t dumb.**

Despite his initial fear, it wasn’t so bad. Just kinda boring sometimes. Most of the other residents weren’t exactly chatty or they weren’t totally lucid. There was this one guy, Jooheon, who had arrived six months into Minhyuk’s treatment. He was pretty cool when he wasn’t obsessing over circles and squares and he let Minhyuk cuddle him after some persuasion. He also got on well with one of the orderlies, Hoseok. He’d play basketball with him and Jooheon sometimes. 

But other than that, he found it kind of lonely.

He had only been able to see his mother a few times because the facility was so far away and she was working a lot to pay for his treatment. 

He missed her terribly. 

 

_________________________  
_________________________

 

Eleven months into his residency, he was called unexpectedly to Dr Son’s office.

“You wanted to see me?” Minhyuk asked, sitting on he chair opposite the doctor with his feet up on the desk. A lot had changed in the almost-year he’d been there. He’s broken out of his depressive state but still struggled with social interaction, sleep disturbances and some mania-like symptoms. 

“Feet off the desk, Minhyuk.” The doctor sighed and pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose.

“Sorry doc.” Minhyuk giggled, taking his feet down. As was what seemed to be the nature of his condition, his mood had improved relatively quickly after he was admitted. Though, at first it had swung to the other extreme. Now he was levelling back out. 

“How would you feel abut having a roommate?” The doctor posited. 

Minhyuk’s eyes lit up with excitement. “Really? Who? That would be awesome!” He jumped out of his seat.

“He’s a new resident. His name is Chae Hyungwon and you’re pretty much the same age.”

“Oh! We’re the same age? Awesome!” Minhyuk said all too loudly. “How does he feel about snow?”

“You’ll have to ask him that. I think you’ll both be good for each other. You’ve been doing really well and I think his will be a good opportunity for you to put into practice some of the things you’ve learned about social boundaries and moderating your behaviours.” Dr Son explained. 

Minhyuk liked Dr Son, he was a kind and sympathetic man who obviously really cared about his patients. He wasn’t like the doctors he’d known before. Apathetic and dismissive of him. Wanting to sedate him and not actually help. 

“Nurse Yoo tells me you’ve made good friends with Jooheon, too. That’s excellent.” Dr Son smiled.

“Yes I have! I’ve done my best to not freak Jooheon out. Oh wow I’ve never had a roommate!” Minhyuk was practically vibrating with excitement, a wide grin across his face. Finally he won’t have to be completely alone with his thoughts. “I’ll look after Hyungwon, I promise. Maybe we can team up and beat Jooheon and Hoseok at basketball.”

“Tomorrow will be his first day here so try to be sensitive to that. Try thinking about how you felt during your first day here.”

**It was terrible. You were scared. It became so real so fast and you were so desperate and afraid. After the first time you said never again but there you were.**

Minhyuk’s face fell. “I was scared...” It seemed like so long ago.

“And he probably will be, too. Try to make him feel at ease. Sometimes you can come on too strong, especially when you’re excited.”

Minhyuk’s face lit back up. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he’s ok!”

“Well good. Unless there’s anything you want to talk about now I’ll let you go enjoy free time. I believe this afternoon the clouds are supposed to clear so no doubt you’ll be excited to go outside and enjoy the sun.”

“Yes! But actually I’m kinda hoping it’ll rain soon.” With that, Minhyuk disappeared out of the office in a flurry.

Nurse Yoo slipped past him into the room, calling back over his shoulder. “No running in the hallways, Minhyuk!” He rolled his eyes and closed the office door behind him once he was inside. 

“Ah is that for me?” Dr Son smiled widely at the coffee in the nurse’s hand. 

“It is.” He set the cup down on the desk. “The secretary finished typing up the new resident’s care plan.” He placed a file in front of the doctor. 

“I thought you said it wasn’t your job to follow me round with my paperwork.” The doctor grinned a little. 

“W-Well I was reading the notes anyway. Figured I may as well bring them to you. Anyway, you sure about rooming this guy with Minhyuk?”

“I really think this is going to be a great benefit for them both. Hyungwon isn’t a suicide risk so we don’t need to keep him in a watch room or anything like that and I believe isolation would be detrimental to his condition. I think having a positive presence like Minhyuk can only be a good thing. I also believe Minhyuk is at a point where socialising with someone new who is a constant presence will be good for him, also. He enjoys the company of others and I’m afraid a lack of social stimulation risks slowing or even reversing his good progress.” Dr Son explained. 

“Well I trust your judgements. I’m just thankful you didn’t move Jooheon into his room. Otherwise the kid wouldn’t get a break from being Minhyuk’s own personal plushie.” He chuckled. “Anyway, enjoy your coffee and maybe see fit to tidy your office a little. It’s starting to look a mess. You should see how neat and tidy Dr Choi’s office is.” Nurse Yoo teased as he moved back towards the door. 

“Thank you, Kihyun.” 

Kihyun stiffened and paused for a second, not looking back. “Good day, Dr Son.”

“W-Wait a sec!”

The nurse slowly turned back to face him. “Is there anything else you need of me?”

“I was wondering if... you’re free on Saturday night?” The doctor asked hopefully. 

“I uh... sorry. I have plans.” Kihyun lied. 

“Oh. Ok. Never mind then.” He was blushing, looking down at the papers on his desk until he heard the door click shut, his colleague leaving without saying anything further. 

 

____________

 

 

Minhyuk couldn’t sit down, he was just too excited about his new roomie arriving that evening. He liked people, despite the cruelty they’d shown him in his life. 

He paced up and down the small room until he heard the door finally unlock and open. There the orderly stood with a young man at his side. The boy looked scared and small, despite how tall he was. Especially in the way he seemed to shrink in on himself standing there. He was slim and his clothes hung loosely on his frame. His lightened brown hair almost covered his eyes but Minhyuk could see they were big and wide, like a deer in he headlights. 

The orderly was one of the one’s Minhyuk hadn’t learned the name of. Not all the staff were friendly or chatty, after all. He nudged the young man into the room and wordlessly shut the door, the sound of the lock filling the room for a fraction of a second. 

“That bed’s yours!” Minhyuk said far too loudly, the boy flinched at his voice and actually physically recoiled. “So. What are you in for?” Minhyuk continued, not getting the hint. 

**Dr Son said to be sensitive. You shouldn’t ask things like that.**

The frightened young man looked at him like Minhyuk was gonna bite him or something, he was actually trembling. “I... Uh...”

“Sorry. That was rude of me to ask. Hi, I’m Lee Minhyuk and I’m in here because I kinda sorta ate a few people.” There was a long pause before Minhyuk started laughing loudly. 

If this poor guy wasn’t looking scared before, he certainly was now. 

“I’m kidding! Sorry. I know that’s a really bad joke for this place. I promise I don’t eat people. I just tried to kill myself, that’s all.” The last few words came so easily and casually. He always did have a problem with knowing what was socially acceptable and so felt no shame in speaking so bluntly. Then again, if you couldn’t talk openly about such things as suicide in a mental hospital, then where could you?

The more Minhyuk’s talked the more startled his new roommate seemed to become, but eventually he croaked out his name. “I’m Ch-Chae Hyungwon.” 

**Ask him his favourite kind of weather! This is critical information, we need to know.**

“Good to meet you, Hyungwon. It’s nice to have someone new to talk too other than—”

**Stop! Don’t tell him about me. Hearing voices makes people think you’re dangerous. It scares them. He won’t want to be your friend.**

“— never mind! I’m so glad you’re here.” Minhyuk beamed, not reason how that could be taken the wrong way. 

Hyungwon looked like he was about to say something but stopped himself. 

Minhyuk was about to question him when Hyungwon started crying. At first it was just a few silent tears slipping down his cheeks but it quickly became a torrent of uncontrollable sobbing. 

Minhyuk’s first instinct was to reach out and embrace the sobbing boy, to console him. But he stopped himself. He didn’t know if that was ok.

**People don’t like to be touched without their consent. It makes them uncomfortable.**

Boundaries. He was learning boundaries. He always got scolded for being clingy and for touching people. Even Jooheon yelled at him sometimes. 

“It’s ok... I know it’s scary when you first get here. It all suddenly becomes real, right?” Minhyuk lowered his voice so it came out softer, less abrasive. 

Hyungwon just nodded through the tears. He sat on his bed and curled in on himself. Minhyuk shifted to sit himself next to the crying boy. He wanted to at least reach out and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder but he sat on his hands to stop himself. 

“I was scared, too. But it’s not so bad. I promise.” He tried to reassure him. This situation was so confusing. People gave other people hugs when they’re trying to console them, right? He personally found physical contact calming but a lot of people didn’t like his touchiness. He wasn’t sure what was ok in this case and so he gnawed in his lower lip in thought, trying to make sense of things. 

**You aren’t very good at this, are you?**

“What is your favourite weather condition?” Minhyuk ask quietly, trying to maybe distract Hyungwon from his tears. 

Hyungwon didn’t reply. He just cried quietly and Minhyuk so desperately wanted to hug away the tears. 

**Do not touch. You could make it worse.**

“Yes, I know.” He said quietly, rolling his eyes at the voice. It was a near-constant companion in his life. Benign and even helpful sometimes. But a lot of the time it just stated the obvious. When it wasn’t talking about weather, that is. 

Hyungwon leaned into Minhyuk instinctively to seek comfort, his hands eventually clinging to the fabric of his pyjamas. He cried for most of the night until he eventually fell asleep slumped against Minhyuk, who was still sitting bolt upright on his hands. His heart ached for Hyungwon. 

Minhyuk fell asleep eventually at some point around 3am. Leaning back on the bed slowly because his back hurt from sitting upright. Hyungwon was still clinging to his tear soaked pyjamas in his sleep. 

Minhyuk had cried himself to sleep on his first night, too. 

By the morning, Minhyuk was laying across the bed on his back, legs dangling off the edge and Hyungwon’s head had found its way into his lap. Minhyuk stayed still when he awoke, not wanting to disturb his new roomie. 

When Hyungwon eventually woke up, about half an hour later, he jerked away sharply as if the other’s lap was a hot iron or something. 

“Morning!” Came Minhyuk’s cheery greeting. 

“Y-You’re awake? Why didn’t you tell me to move?” Hyungwon looked embarrassed, cheeks turning pink as he retreated away to the other side of the room like a spooked animal. 

“Why would I? You looked like you needed the sleep.” Minhyuk could relate, he didn’t really sleep much. His brain was always too active to really rest. 

“I’m sorry for crying last night. So embarrassing.” Hyungwon tried to fix his hair without the aid of a mirror. His face was kinda puffy from a combination of the crying and sleep. 

“You look really cute all sleepy.” Minhyuk giggled into a pillow. Because it was true, Hyungwon looked adorable. 

“God, no. I probably look so ugly right now.” Hyungwon lamented, trying to cover his face as he dug through his bag until he found a pair of glasses and slipped them on, still trying to hide his face. 

“No you don't! You’re super handsome, I’m jealous.” Minhyuk said honestly.

“You must need your eyes tested.” Hyungwon’s voice almost had a bitter tinge to it. 

“Nope. My eyes aren’t perfect but they’re totally fine for seeing you.”

There was a sudden knock at the door and a voice Minhyuk recognised as his favourite orderly came through. “Chae Hyungwon? Are you ready to come with me?”

“Y-Yes.” Hyungwon almost jumped out of his skin when the knock came. 

“Hi Hoseok!” Minhyuk chimed. 

“Good morning Minhyuk.” Hoseok smiled as he opened the door. 

“Got any candies?”

“Remember what happened when Ki— Nurse Yoo found all those candy wrappers under your mattress? He yelled a me in the office all he way through my lunch break. So no. No more candy.... for a while.”

“Aw I’m sorry you got in trouble, Hoseok.” Minhyuk pouted. “Nurse Yoo can be such a fun sucker!”

“C’mon, Hyungwon.” Hoseok motioned for Hyungwon to follow him out of the room. “I’m Hoseok, by the way. I’m an orderly and I usually work on this corridor so you’ll probably see a lot of me.”

 

_____________

 

Minhyuk didn’t see Hyungwon in the showers or at breakfast. In fact, he didn’t see him until group therapy when Hyungwon shyly walked in and sat next to Minhyuk in the circle of chairs. He couldn’t help but notice how the taller’s posture always looked like he was trying to not be seen. 

“We have a new resident joining us today.” The female therapist motioned to Hyungwon. “Let’s go round the circle and introduce ourselves. Hyungwon, you can go last but don’t feel pressured to say anything. This is a safe space. Everybody can say as much or as little as they want.”

The other patients introduced themselves one by one, most of them stating their conditions but some not. A few even detailed their age and where they were from and other anecdotes about themselves.

There was only one other person in the circle seemingly in their early 20s. Hyungwon didn’t actually catch his name or anything he said. He was too busy internally panicking about his turn to speak. 

“Lee Minhyuk. Until I met my new friend yesterday I was getting kinda lonely. Oh! And I’m excited because the atmospheric pressure is due to drop significantly so it’s probably gonna finally rain soon.” 

**The forecast said it would be cloudy tomorrow.**

Hyungwon looked at him and looked back down to the spot he was staring at on the grey scuffed floor. “Chae Hyungwon. Um... I uh... my grandparents sent me here.” 

“Thank you, Hyungwon. Now, does anybody have anything they need to get off their chest this week?”

Hyungwon stayed silent for the rest of the session. Afterwards, Minhyuk caught up to him on the way to the activity room. 

“Hey! Where were you this morning?”

“Oh. I don’t really...” Hyungwon but his lower lip. “Can we talk about it another time?”

“Oh yeah sure! Sorry. Should I not have asked? Oh! Do you wanna play basketball with me outside? It’s sunny out for now. Jooheon is annoyed with me because he says I cheat so he’s not playing today.” He babbled. 

Hyungwon visibly tensed up at the mention of the outside. “I think I’m just gonna sit in here and read if that’s ok with you...” Hyungwon looked down. 

“It’s ok I’d beat you anyway!” Minhyuk laughed and left him alone to his own devices. 

Hyungwon moved over to a bookcase on the edge of the room. He cast his eyes over the bold there before he finally took one from the shelf. There wasn’t really much variety but what did he expect? He settled on a book about ornithology. Maybe he could at least learn something while he was here, right? And hey, birds were pretty cool, he supposed. 

He still hadn’t quite gotten his head around the fact he was here. It had all happened so fast. One day he was just going about his lonely existence and the next a packed bag was being placed in front of him. 

Now here he was. In a goddamn psychiatric unit. Through everything he never really imagined he’d end up somewhere like this. At least Dr Son seemed nice and Minhyuk seemed like a good guy, even though his enthusiasm made Hyungwon slightly nervous. 

He sat in the corner of the room and began reading through the pages. He was relieved that nobody seemed to be interested in approaching him. God, what he wouldn’t give to be invisible, though. 

After about an hour, his attention was taken from the words on the page by familiarly too-loud voice. 

“Hyungwon, I wanna introduce you to Jooheon. He’s already getting outta here soon but he’s a pretty cool guy.” Minhyuk was hanging off a slightly shorter young man with a soft face and deep dimples. It was the guy from the group session that Hyungwon had noticed. 

“Yo. Hope you settle in ok and hope this weirdo isn’t a pain in the butt to room with.” Jooheon waved. This guy seemed suspiciously normal to Hyungwon. Not that Hyungwon really knew what to expect. 

“Hey. Nice to meet you Jooheon.” Hyungwon said timidly. 

“Don’t pretend you’re not a weirdo, too! Shape boy!” Minhyuk shook Jooheon somewhat too roughly, cackling.

“Not all shapes! Some are far superior to others. For example, a circle has the shortest perimeter of all shapes with the same area. Also, wheels are circles and without the wheel we wouldn’t have the modern world we know today.”

Ah, there it was. Hyungwon thought Jooheon’s enthusiasm for shapes was kind of sweet, actually. 

“Don’t get him started on squares.” Minhyuk teased and physically dragged a complaining Jooheon outside. 

Hyungwon couldn’t help but feel a little jealous as he watched the pair. Jooheon was whining that Minhyuk cheats but it was clear he couldn’t say no to the older. They mustn’t have known each other for all that long but they were like old friends. Hyungwon had never experienced anything like that.

For the rest of their free time, Hyungwon glanced up from his book every now and again, watching Minhyuk and Jooheon playing basketball. Jooheon was a lot better at it but Minhyuk seemingly had boundless energy. And actually, he kinda really did cheat. Hyungwon just couldn’t imagine Minhyuk being someone who would try to kill themselves like he’d said. The guy looked like he didn’t have a single care in the world. 

The sun looked bright but it probably wasn’t too warm out. Perfect sun to just bask in, probably. Hyungwon sighed at the thought, of only he could enjoy it too. 

But he was too scared. Even the thought made his chest flutter uncomfortably.


	2. Stratus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why can’t Hyungwon enjoy the outside with Minhyuk and Jooheon?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: Minhyuk talks very openly about his suicide attempt here and Hyungwon recounts details of something that happened to him with some kinda gross details in there.

———

 

**Stratus clouds are low and featureless grey clouds. They can often result in light but persistent rain showers.**

 

Hyungwon had been at the unit for a little over a week now. The young man had mostly kept to himself during that time, spending every opportunity he had alone and praying nobody spoke to him. He attended his one-to-one sessions dutifully but barely breathed a word during group sessions and didn’t take part in any activities, despite Minhyuk trying to encourage him. But Minhyuk himself would get distracted easily and end up engrossed in something else. During mealtimes, Hyungwon would sit and push his food around the plate while Minhyuk and Jooheon talked, jumping skittishly at every sudden sound like a clank of a dish or a spoon falling onto the floor. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to engage with anyone, he just couldn’t. It was a frightening concept. 

It was the middle of the night and Minhyuk was laying awake. His thoughts were being a little more loud than usual with the excitement of his new roommate and it was making sleep seem like even more of an intangible concept. He was a little forlorn, though. Hyungwon was quiet and didn’t really seem interested in talking to him. Maybe he found Minhyuk annoying. A lot of people told him he was annoying, after all. 

He tried not to get on people’s nerves but he wasn’t very self aware. He usually didn’t realise until he was getting yelled at. Jooheon would be gone at the end of the month and he didn’t want to be alone. 

He lay deep in thought when he was startled by Hyungwon suddenly sitting bolt upright with such a jolt that he almost fell out of his bed. 

Minhyuk sat up, too, and looked to see Hyungwon breathing rapidly and a terrified expression on his face, clutching at his chest. He noticed that the other would often thrash around in his sleep but he’d never woken up like this. 

“Hyungwon? Are you ok?” He climbed out of bed and sat next to Hyungwon, who didn’t reply or even acknowledge him. “Are you having a panic attack? It happens to me sometimes too, I get overwhelmed. It helps if someone just talks nonsense to me so I can focus on their voice so I’ll try that. You can hit me if you want me to shut up.”

**Talking nonsense is your specialty, after all.**

“Mean.” Minhyuk mumbled, forgetting to not reply out loud. He tried to think of something to talk about. “There’s a place in Venezuela where the Catatumbo River meets Lake Maracaibo and a huge storm occurs there 140-160 nights a year and lasts for about 10 hours with an average of 28 lightning strikes per minute.” He recited out the information. “Wait, that isn’t very calming, is it? A lot of people don’t like storms.” 

**Snow. Your favourite.**

“Storms are cool but snow is my favourite weather condition. Sometimes everything is just too much for me but snow is so calming. It’s peaceful and I don’t mind the cold. The way it just seems to make everything quieter, too. It’s like time stopping. I like watching it for hours. When I was a kid, my mother would wrap me up in loads of layers of clothes so I could play in it and she would watch me from the kitchen window. When I’d have to come inside she always had a cup of chicken broth waiting for me. The steam warmed my cheeks as I’d drink it and the sides of the cup would warm my hands. They always got really cold through my gloves.” His mother would sometimes give him a slice of bread to dip into it, too. 

Hyungwon did manage to focus on his voice. It was actually a very pleasant airy voice when he wasn’t yelling. The fondness Minhyuk obviously had of those memories was clear and the warmth of it brought him back down to earth steadily as he imagined the snow falling outside and the taste and smell of hot broth as it chased away the cold.

The nightmare wasn’t real. 

He was safe. 

It was ok. 

It was a just nightmare. 

The tightness in his chest dissipated steadily and his heart stopped fluttering strangely. 

He thought about the smell of food that would hang in the air as he’d watch his own mother in the kitchen as she nervously scurried about. She was a good cook, able to make delicious tasting food with what basic things they had. 

He caught his thoughts there before they could become upsetting again. Thinking of her was difficult. It made unwelcome images flash into his mind’s eye. 

“I’m really sorry if I woke you.” Hyungwon said eventually as he closed his eyes, steadying his breathing. 

“You didn’t. I don’t sleep much.” Minhyuk reassured him. “I notice you seem to get nightmares almost every night.”

“Yeah...”

“Hey, why don’t you wear your pyjamas? You sleep in clothes.” Minhyuk’s brain skipped onto a different track. To something related but irrelevant. 

The taller blinked at him for a moment. “I... I don’t really want to get changed in front of you.” The abrupt change in conversation had thrown him off somewhat.

“Oh you’re uncomfortable with nakedness? Oops. Sorry.” Minhyuk had been unashamedly whipping his clothes off and taking his sweet time changing into pyjamas every night. “That why I don’t see you in the shower room?”

**That’s why he faces the wall or hides under his blankets when you’re undressing. You probably make him really uncomfortable.**

“Not uncomfortable with nakedness as such... just my own, mostly. So yeah, they aren’t making me shower with everyone else.” The brown haired young man explained. He did get a lot of second hand embarrassment from Minhyuk parading around the small room in a state of undress. 

**That’s what the problem is. He said before he looks ugly. He’s wrong. Tell him he’s wrong.**

Minhyuk remembered a woman who had been a resident for a while, she thought she was ugly and she starved herself. “Is that why you’re so thin?” Tact was never his strong suit. 

Hyungwon looked a bit taken aback by the comment. “Wow ok. Not really? But wow. You have no filter, do you?”

**So you probably shouldn’t have said that. Just sayin’. Should have just said he wasn't ugly.**

“Nope. No filter. I’m trying, though. I’m sorry, my communication is getting a lot better. You can yell at me if I offend you. It’s ok. People say I’m annoying.”

Hyungwon gave a long sigh, whatever offence he’d taken had dissolved away. He supposed he shouldn’t get mad at Minhyuk anyway. Whatever was wrong with him obviously caused him to think differently and he didn’t seem the type to be hurtful on purpose. People had spoken far harsher words to Hyungwon, words designed to hurt. “I don’t think annoying is the word I would use. I guess you kinda say whatever pops into your head, huh?”

**One mouth is not enough to say everything that pops into your head.**

“I guess so. Feel free to speak your mind with me, too. I’m pretty hard to offend! Ask me anything you like if you don’t wanna talk about you. If you’re curious about anything I’ll tell you whatever. I’m really nosy so I wanna know everything about everyone so I’d get it if you are curious.” 

**No. Do not tell him about me.**

Actually, there had been something that Hyungwon had been wondering about. Suddenly he felt bold enough to ask. “You said you tried to kill yourself, right? Forgive my assumption but you don’t seem the type.”

“Oh? What type do I seem?” Minhyuk cocked his head a little, genuinely curious. He wasn’t really able to imagine what other people thought of him. 

**Don’t tell him your diagnoses. He could look up the symptoms and work out that you hear me. The name of that condition alone makes people not want to be around you.**

“I dunno.” Hyungwon didn’t like to assume but he’d been guessing along the lines of ADHD or bipolar. Not that he was an expert, so he wouldn’t like to say. Suddenly he regretted his own invasive question.

“I did try to kill myself. With an overdose. I almost succeeded. My mistake was wanting to die outside. I wanted the last thing I saw to be the sky. Someone found me and called an ambulance.” 

**The word “mistake” makes it sound like bad thing you didn’t die. But it was a good thing. Living is much better than being dead, isn’t it? Don’t call it a mistake.** And Minhyuk had to agree, mistake wasn’t the right word. 

“Most of the time I’m ok, just kinda impulsive and have too much energy. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by thing, too. But sometimes if I’m sad I get really sad and during time I got really depressed and I have no idea why.” He continued. He purposefully left out the detail of the voice in his head. People’s reactions were almost always negative when he told them about that. He wanted Hyungwon to like him, after all.

**The sky looked so beautiful that day. Such a stunning shade of blue with a few wisps of cirrus clouds. I suppose if you had died, it would have been a perfect view to close your eyes to. That or the snow, gently falling onto your skin. It wouldn’t have melted after your body turned cold.**

_“It sounds so peaceful but it wasn’t. My stomach hurt so much. I was crying so hard. I remember vomiting so violently there was blood. It was so lonely, too.”_ Minhyuk thought in reply.

Hyungwon thought there was something haunting about that. The fact Minhyuk wanted to die looking up at the sky. Was it wrong to think it was almost tragically beautiful? Poetic, even? Probably. 

“What about you? You can’t just be here for nightmares and not liking the way you look. You don’t look like you’ve starved yourself enough to drop dead or anything, either.”

Hyungwon shifted uncomfortably. “They said I have PTSD.” He knew what the next question would be and so he braced himself for it. 

“PTSD? What happened?”

“I-I can’t talk about it. Sorry.” Hyungwon looked so sad and scared, all Minhyuk wanted to do was comfort him. To wrap him up in his arms and hold him close.

“Can I hug you? You really look like someone who needs a hug.” The shorter suddenly said.

The brunette just looked at him for a long second before he nodded. Minhyuk didn’t waste a moment and wrapped his arms around the other’s slim frame. He was careful not to pull him too close into his body, so as not to spook him. It was hard to not run his hands through Hyungwon’s hair but he remembered Jooheon telling him doing things like that were creepy. So he resisted. 

“If you don’t wanna talk about what happened, can I ask why you think you’re ugly?”

“Have you seen my face? I look like Kermit the frog got lip fillers in a back alley.”

Minhyuk couldn’t help but laugh. “No you don’t! You’re handsome!”

**He wasn’t trying to be funny so you probably shouldn’t have laughed. He does look a little bit like Kermit, though. It’s the lips. He’s still pretty, though. You think so too, Miss Piggy.**

Hyungwon wasn’t a fan of physical contact, it made him feel like people could feel his ugliness through his clothes. But something about Minhyuk made it feel ok, maybe even nice. To the degree that he actually fell back to sleep in the warmth of those arms around him. 

 

________________

 

Once again, Hyungwon found himself watching as Minhyuk and Jooheon played basketball. As it started to rain, though, Jooheon retreated inside. The rain didn’t seem to bother Minhyuk’s, though. He looked perfectly content to be out in it.

Hyungwon set his book aside and padded over to the door to cautiously open it. Anxiety pulsated in his chest as he did so. The breeze in his face only making it worse. 

“Hyungwon! Are you coming out?” The soaking wet Minhyuk turned to beckon him out. 

Hyungwon wished he could. “N-No. But you should really come inside. It isn’t good for your health to be out in the rain.” He wrapped his arms around himself protectively. 

Minhyuk bounded over. He was as like an excited puppy. “But I like rain. Smell that?”

There was an earthy salty smell hanging in the air. Hyungwon nodded and stepped back a little as a few raindrops splashed on him. 

“It’s called petrichor. Happens when it rains after it’s been dry for a long time.” He reached out suddenly and grabbed Hyungwon’s arm and yanked him forward. 

If it weren’t for Hyungwon quickly bracing himself on the door frame and ripping his arm away from the other’s grasp, he’d have been pulled outside. He barely had a moment to process the devastated look on Minhyuk’s face at the rejection when they were interrupted. 

“Lee Minhyuk! Get your butt back inside this instant.” Came Nurse Yoo’s stern tone. “You’re gonna catch a cold.”

“Aw killjoy.” Minhyuk pouted as he dragged his heels back indoors. 

It was all frankly white noise to Hyungwon, though. His body full of adrenaline and panic from almost being yanked outside against his will. He just stood, stunned. 

“Go with Nurse Moon and get some dry clothes.” Kihyun could be pretty strict sometimes. “As for you, Hyungwon, come along for your appointment with Dr Son.” His tone softened when he spoke to Hyungwon, noticing the wide-eyed blank expression. “Hyungwon?”

“S-Sorry.” He snapped out of it just enough to make his legs ambulate to the doctor’s office, following Nurse Yoo. His body was practically on autopilot. The panic was still sitting firmly in his throat, though. 

 

———

 

Huyngwon stepped into the familiar office, holding himself in a tense posture. “You look very uncomfortable, is everything ok?” Dr Son said carefully across the desk. 

“Y-Yeah. Sorry.” He’d started to feel less anxious around the doctor over the last few sessions, so that wasn’t why he was so jittery. “Just before I came here I went right up to the opened door. The big double doors in the leisure room. I thought he was going to pull me outside but I just wanted him to come indoors before he caught a cold.” Hyungwon rushed out meekly. He felt stupid for being thrown off so much by such a small thing. 

The doctor turned to glance out the window to see that it was raining. “Let me guess, Minhyuk?” 

“Sorry. It’s stupid.” He sat in the chair opposite the doctor, drawing in on himself. 

“It isn’t stupid, Hyungwon. I actually wanted to speak about your dislike of being outside. Do you think it’s right to call it agoraphobia?”

Hyungwon shrugged and sank down more in his seat, like he was trying to disappear into it. 

“How long had it been since you went outside until you were brought here?”

“About.... two months? I-It’s not always so bad though. I know it’s stupid.” He had been more or less functional adult up until a year a year ago, when he had to move back in with his grandparents. 

“Please stop saying it’s stupid, because it isn’t.” The doctor said gently. “Agoraphobia is fairly common in patients with anxiety and PTSD. It’s the brain’s way of trying to cope and avoid stressors. Please help me so I can understand and we can work through it, when did it start?”

“It’s nothing to do with w-what happened to my mother.”Hyungwon bit on his lower lip, closing his eyes and doing his best to stop his brain drawing out those memories. 

“I know you aren’t ready to talk about that incident and that’s fine. We can discuss that when you feel ready.”

“You know about what happened already so why will I have to talk about it? I just want to forget.”

“Because some things need to be faced so that they don’t haunt us. It will help to talk, but like I said, only when you’re ready. So, can you tell me when this agoraphobia started?”

Hyungwon took a few minutes to compose himself, swallowing the tears prickling at his eyes. “It started because I was scared of bugs.” 

“Bugs?”

“Flying ones to be exact. Especially cicadas.” He drew his feet up so his heels were on the chair and he could hug his own knees. He was a grown man but he felt like a frightened child. “Kids at school... thought it was funny to chase me with cicadas one summer.” He swallowed and the doctor patiently waited for him to continue. “But one day they were waiting for me after school. Held me down and they were putting them on my face a-and then they shoved two into my mouth. This one kid had his hand over my m-mouth so I couldn’t spit them out. They were just— I could feel them moving, trying to go down my throat. I—” He was shaking now, trembling in the seat. He remembered vividly what it felt like and at the time having to decide which would be worse. To continue feeling the insects crawling and scratching at the inside of his mouth, or to bite down on them to stop them. He’d chosen to bite down. The memory of texture of the crunch against his teeth made his stomach contract with disgust. “I had nightmares after about hundreds of them crawling into my lungs and choking me.”

The doctor himself had even cringed. “I’m sorry that happened to you. That experience would have been very traumatic for anyone. Was this before or after your mother?”

“After.” He bit painfully onto his own lower lip. 

“So you were already struggling, hm? Kids are cruel.” It was easy to see how his patient had become so riddled with anxiety. 

“After that, it became not really just about avoiding bugs. The outside just made me feel exposed and afraid. Like something was going to happen. S-So it was easier to just... avoid everything and it kinda turned into this big— this _thing_. Sometimes it’s ok and I can go places but not when I’m feeling really bad.”

“And you don’t feel able to go outside currently?” Dr Son pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. 

“No. I feel like I don’t have any control here as it is. I’m afraid.” The brunette said honestly. 

“You have control and you’re safe here. If there’s anything that can be done to minimise your distress I’ll ensure whatever can be done about it is done. Do you still have nightmares relating to the insects?”

“Yeah and— sorry. C-Can we stop talking about it now? M-My chest feels tight.”

“Ok, we can change the subject.” He didn’t want to push Hyungwon too hard, after all. “How are you finding Minhyuk?”

“He’s sweet but kinda jarring sometimes? He asks questions a lot.” Hyungwon looked up, biting the inside of his cheek. 

“You may actually find he is quite good to talk to. As long as he maintains focus he is actually very empathetic.”

“He’s strange but in a refreshing way I guess. He didn’t mean to freak me out when he tried to pull me outside, I’m sure.”

“If he doesn’t already know you don’t like to go outside, you should explain it to him. He’s very understanding once things are made clear to him but he needs things spelled out sometimes. He’ll probably be sad that he upset you.”

Hyungwon didn’t want Minhyuk to be sad. He bit his lip again at the thought. 

He should really stop biting on his lips, it only made them swollen and look even bigger. 

 

_______________

 

At the nurse’s station that evening, Kihyun was organising the trolley of patient notes. He liked everything to be in order before the night staff arrived. Hearing a certain name amongst the chatter around him, he stopped what he was doing. 

“Dr Son asked if someone would bring these case notes before the night staff come on shift.” Someone behind Kihyun said. 

“Leave it on the desk, one of the orderlies can take it along later.” Someone else said. 

Kihyun turned around. “I’ll take it.” He said a little too enthusiastically and picked up the notes. 

“Of course you will. It’s Dr Son.” The other nurse giggled. “Any excuse.”

Kihyun rolled his eyes. “They might be forgotten if you leave them, that’s all.” 

“Oh of course that’s the reason.” Someone else laughed. 

“I know you find it hilarious, Nurse Ahn, but do not forget that I am your charge nurse here and I expect a level of professionalism and respect.” Kihyun snapped and walked off with the papers. He felt a little bad for being snippy because he really wasn’t helping himself by taking things to Hyunwoo personally. 

When he reached the office, he knocked before entering. The doctor was typing in near darkness, the lights in his office off and daylight rapidly fading outside.

“You’re going to ruin your eyes.” He said, flipping the light switch. 

Hyunwoo squinted at the sudden brightness. “Oh there wasn’t really a rush with those. I’m going to be here pretty late, anyway.” He looked at the stack of papers in the nurse’s hand. 

“Some people here are about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Figured I better bring them along myself.” He shrugged, dropping them onto the desk. 

“Thank you Nurse Yoo. It was very thoughtful of you.”

“You also stay late too much...” Kihyun caught himself. “Sorry, that probably isn’t my place to say.”

“It’s ok, I like it when you nag me.” Hyunwoo smiled gently.

“Then I suggest you get yourself a wife.”

“Hey, I’m sorry if this is weird but I really wanted to talk to you about what happened at—” 

“My shift is over. Sorry, I have to go.” Kihyun interrupted him quickly. 

“Wait, please Kihyun. Can we just talk about it?”

“There isn’t anything to talk about. It happened. It was a thing, except not even really a thing because we were both drunk. Please don’t address me so informally, we’re both working.”

“You’re off the clock though, right? You just said so.”

“I would still rather you didn’t call me by my name, Dr Son.” He shifted awkwardly. 

“I’m sorry if... if anything I’ve done may have caused you any discomfort. I want to apologise for my conduct that evening and I apologise for asking to see you outside of work. I just—”

“Like I said, there isn’t anything to discuss so there’s nothing to apologise for.” Kihyun cut him off again. 

“You give me some mixed signals.” He looked down. “Can you just tell me where we stand?”

Hyunwoo was right. Kihyun shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be seeing him more than he had to in order to do his job. It was unfair. “Then I’ll do my best not to give mixed from now on. As for where we stand, we are colleagues.” He sounded a little colder than he’d wanted to. The last thing Kihyun wanted was to hurt him. “I will see you next week, Doctor. Please don’t stay here too late.” He dipped his head and left quickly before any more damage could be done. 

Kihyun wasn’t ready to face this. Between his own internal conflict and the ridicule from his colleagues it was too much. He only had himself to blame, really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: Dr Son has a letter placed on his desk and Minhyuk and Hyungwon get closer
> 
> ______
> 
> And yes every chapter comes with the voice in Minhyuk’s head telling us about a type of cloud! :D 
> 
>  
> 
> In other news: I made my colleagues believe the department was haunted by a ghost called Vernon Jones so hopefully they don’t correlate a lack of “paranormal” activity with me being away this week ;D


	3. Altocumulus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon and Minhyuk gain some mutual understanding and become closer because of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a disclaimer here- I know it should go without saying but this has no reflection on these guy’s actual parents/families.

**Altocumulus clouds sit in the middle atmosphere and in summer they form during warm, humid mornings. Conversely, they also develop ahead of cold fronts and can signal a drop in temperatures. They’re small, fluffy and can be a mix of white and grey. Sometimes they’re called “sheep backs” or even “mackerel skies” due to them looking like fish scales.**

 

When Hyungwon returned to their room after his session with Dr Son, he found Minhyuk sitting on the edge of his bed, knees bouncing restlessly. The older had jumped to his feet as soon as Hyungwon entered. 

His hair looked soft and fluffy from being blowdried after being soaked by the rain and he was wearing fresh dry clothes, though the feint smell of rain still hung around somehow. Now that Hyungwon thought about it, was it possible for someone to just naturally smell like rain?

“Nurse Moon said I have to apologise to you. Is it because I grabbed you? I’m sorry for grabbing you.” When he got closer, Hyungwon could see that the other had probably been crying. Dr Son had warned he’d be sad knowing he’d upset him. Hyungwon really wasn’t used to anyone caring about his feelings that much and wasn’t sure what to do with the notion. 

In fact, he felt guilty. 

“N-No it’s just— I got kinda freaked out when you tried to pull me outside.” Hyungwon sat himself down on his own bed, drawing his knees up to his chest and biting his lower lip as he usually did. 

_“Maybe he doesn’t like rain, then.”_ Minhyuk thought, a little puzzled. A lot of people don’t like being out in the rain. Jooheon hated it, for one. 

**People don’t like rain but they don’t get freaked out by it. Then again, he’s in a mental hospital after all.**

_“Maybe he’s like a cat and reeeeaaaally hates water.”_

Minhyuk realised he was probably uncomfortably silent for a bit too long, conversing with the disembodied voice inside his head. “Oh! So you don’t like rain?” He smiled and moved to sit next to Hyungwon. 

“N-No, it’s not because of that. It’s because I’m scared of going outside. I can go out if I have to but I have to like, build myself up to it. I just wasn’t prepared when you pulled on my arm like that.” Hyungwon elaborated, relaxing his posture a little and sitting properly on the edge of the bed. 

“Oh! I’m sorry!” Minhyuk practically threw himself at the younger, binding his arms around him, legs straddling the brunette as he nuzzled into his shoulder. “Why don’t you like the outside? Did something bad happen to you?” Hyungwon’s skin smelled like the generic soap they were all provided with. That, mixed with the natural scent of his skin- sweet and earthy. 

Hyungwon didn’t want to recount his ordeal twice in one day. Once had been more than enough. “I... I’ll tell you another time.” His face flushed when Minhyuk pressed his face closer into the crook of his neck, seeking out closeness. The contact was suddenly no longer comforting, it had crossed the line into being too much and Hyungwon’s posture tightened up. 

**His body just went ridged. You make him uncomfortable. You know this isn’t how normal people behave. He probably won’t say no because he isn’t bold enough to do so. He needs to tell you no.**

Minhyuk suddenly clambered off his lap, withdrawing to sit next to him. He cupped the younger’s face in his hands, making their gazes meet. “Hyungwon, I need you to tell me no if you don’t feel comfortable with something. I need you to tell me if I ever say or do anything out of line. I won’t be upset or anything because I don’t like doing things that make people angry or awkward but I sometimes don’t realise. Please promise me you’ll call me out and not feel guilty.” His tone was serious, it almost sounded out of place. “I want you to like me.” The last few words sounded more pleading. 

**You know what it’s like to let people do things you don’t want. So easily taken advantage of.**

“I do like you, Minhyuk. You make me a little nervous sometimes, though. Maybe you’re kinda exhausting but I do like you.” Hyungwon admitted. Minhyuk was the far cry from what he’d imagined he’d be roomed with. His presence was a pleasant one. 

“Please don’t be nervous. That’s the same as being afraid, isn’t it? I’m not dangerous.”

**He’d be really afraid if he knew I was here.**

“I know you aren’t dangerous, it’s just that pretty much everything makes me nervous. It isn’t just you. Besides, I wouldn’t say it’s really the same as being afraid. I’m afraid when I’m outside, I’m not afraid here with you.” Hyungwon placed his hand on top of Minhyuk’s own as an offering. 

A placid silence passed between them. Not the uncomfortable sort of silence, just one that didn’t need to be filled. It felt warm enough that it let Hyungwon’s nerves melt away somewhat. 

_“This feels intimate, I should be honest with him. His actions are probably innocent so it’s only fair he knows the kind of person he’s touching.”_ Hyungwon thought sadly. He didn’t want to lose this friendship but he also didn’t want to feel like a liar. He should confess. Maybe Minhyuk would be ok with it? He seemed like an understanding person, after all. 

“Hey, Minhyuk?” He broke though the silence. 

“Yes?”

Hyungwon looked down at their hands still together on the mattress . “You’re like this with Jooheon too, right?”

“Like what?”

“Touchy.”

**Except you’re not. This feels different to you. With Jooheon it’s all roughhousing and clinging on like a wet towel. You grab his butt and thighs because its fun. This feels gentle. You’re a liar, Minhyuk.**

“Would it make you not want to hug me or hold my hand if I said I like men?” Hyungwon continued to stare at their hands, preying Minhyuk wouldn’t pull his away in disgust. He didn’t know how much having human contact meant to him until the chance to lose it arrived. 

“Are you telling me you’re gay?” 

Hyungwon nodded, still waiting for the a negative reaction. 

“Why would that make me not want to touch you?”

**Not everyone is like you, Minhyuk. Remember?**

“You don’t think it’s weird?” In Hyungwon’s experience, the few friends he’d ever made tended to back off when they found out. Some straight away and some gradually. As if being a homosexual was a contagious disease or something. 

“Yeah, I do think it’s totally weird, actually. But it doesn’t mean I don’t like holding your hand and cuddling you.”

Hyungwon’s stomach dropped. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that response. Minhyuk thought it was weird but he didn’t care? 

**Don't say it like that! Dr Son said you should always try to be as clear as possible, remember?**

“Not weird in a bad way!” Minhyuk suddenly grabbed both of Hyungwon’s hands and held them tightly like he might run away. “I like guys, too. But I think it’s weird to only like guys or only like girls, they’re all people, right? I just can’t really see a difference between liking girls and liking guys.” He rushed out. 

Hyungwon still didn’t know what to do, it was the first time he’d encountered such a reaction. He cracked a small smile when he pieced it all together. “Guess I’m weird, then.”

**This is getting dull. Can we not just go watch the weather channel?**

_“No, I disagree. I like this. My head feels less loud inside, don’t you agree? This feels special.”_ Minhyuk responded to the voice. 

“I like weird people.” The older said simply.

Hyungwon relaxed his body, letting them both lay down and feeling Minhyuk’s comforting arms curl around his body again, more gently than before. He couldn’t help but feel a little self conscious about how narrow his frame was. Minhyuk probably preferred people like Jooheon. “Sorry I’m such a wraith. Not nice to cuddle.” The self doubt drifted from his lips so effortlessly. He couldn’t help it. Those thoughts just invaded every moment of his life. He’d probably ruined the pleasant feeling.

“You’re not a wraith. You’re nice to cuddle and you smell really good.”

“You’re weird, too.” Hyungwon have a small chuckle and took off his glasses, reaching to lay them on the small bedside table. 

“That’s why I’m here.” Minhyuk giggled lightly against Hyungwon’s chest. 

 

__________________

 

Another week had passed and Minhyuk had taken to sharing a bed with Hyungwon every night. He’d get up to hold Hyungwon when he’d have nightmares, whether Hyungwon woke up or not. Minhyuk would fall asleep there while soothing the other. 

It had begun to reach the point where Minhyuk didn’t like waiting until the other started twisting around in his lonely bed as the nightmares began. He wanted to comfort him from the moment his head lay down on the pillow. 

But that probably wasn’t ok. 

This particular morning, Minhyuk woke up late and Hyungwon was already gone. When he realised what day it was, he sprang up with excitement and hurried to get ready. 

When he reached the communal area he couldn’t see either Jooheon or Hyungwon. So, he decided to take the opportunity to plant some mischief while the nurses were busy taking the handover. 

Mischief involving some rubber hands and the duty desk. He had garnered a reputation as a bit of a trickster amongst the staff. For Minhyuk, it was something to occupy his mind with and keep himself busy. Something to do, a distraction. He always had to be doing something or thinking of a million things at once. It was honestly exhausting sometimes but it was better than feeling numb. He didn’t want to be like that again. 

**It’s not raining today.**

By the time Jooheon came into the room, Minhyuk was wearing a devilish look on his face. He saw the glint in the older’s eye when he noticed him there and braced himself for what was coming. 

Minhyuk bounded over and jumped up onto his back, clinging on tightly like a koala. “Honey! Back hug!”

“Min! You need to stop doing this to me, you’re too heavy!” Jooheon complained, trying to keep himself upright. “You’ll break my goddamn spine!”

“Sorry I’m just so excited!” He slid off Jooheon’s back and bounced on his heels. 

“Oh yeah, I forgot.” Jooheon rubbed his lower back. I hope you don’t jump on Hyungwon like that, you’ll break him. That guy is like a twig.”

“Nope. I jump on you because I know you can carry my weight. More testing is required with Hyungwon before I can jump on him.”

“Speak of the skinny devil.” Jooheon motioned to Hyungwon walking in, book in hand and ready to take up his usual place in the corner. 

Minhyuk frowned. “I don’t think I like you calling him skinny, it sounds negative and I think he’s self conscious about his body. That’s why he gets up early to shower alone.”

“Oh, now you’re all compassionate? You called me fat yesterday.”

“No, I called you squishy like tteokmyeon. There’s a difference.” Minhyuk grinned, casually grabbing at Jooheon’s thigh. “Makes me want to bite you!”

“You’re so weird!” Jooheon whined, swatting him away harshly.

Minhyuk just cackled and dashed over to Hyungwon. “I forgot to tell you before and I didn’t wake up until you already left this morning, today is the day my mother visits!” His words rushed out quickly as he grabbed Hyungwon’s shoulders and shook him a bit too roughly. He got a little heavy handed when he was excited. 

Hyungwon remembered what the other had said about calling him out. “Minhyuk stop. You’re being too rough and it hurts.” He tried to sound assertive but didn’t really succeed. Never the less, Minhyuk released him immediately. 

**You asked him to tell you if you did something wrong.**

“Sorry!”

“It’s ok.” The taller adjusted his glasses after being jostled so unceremoniously. “You’re excited to see your mother, I get it.” Hyungwon noticed the other always spoke so fondly of his mother. They seemed close. 

“Yes! Will yours come visit?”

**Why are you inside? You have time to go outside before she arrives. The clouds should break this afternoon.**

“N-No.” Nobody would be visiting him. He was a liability. 

Minhyuk’s face fell. “Why?”

Before Hyungwon could say anything, Jooheon poked Minhyuk’s arm sharply. “You shouldn’t ask shit like that. Probably a sensitive subject.”

“Oh like how your parents don’t visit because they don’t like you?” Minhyuk asked innocently, not realising the weight of his words. 

There was a flicker of pain across the youngest’s face. “...Yes. Which you also shouldn’t point out.”

“I’m sorry...” Minhyuk finally realised what he’d said wrong and wrapped his arms around himself in shame. 

“Don’t worry, I’m used to you. You’re a rhombus in a world of squares.” Jooheon rolled his eyes. “You can make it up to me by not cheating when we shoot hoops.”

Minhyuk’s head snapped up. “Oh yeah! Wanna watch us, Hyungwon? You can cheer me on. You don’t have to come outside.”

“Ok, sure. I can see you out the window from where I sit anyways.” Hyungwon adjusted his glasses, getting a little anxious that someone would take his usual seat. There was comfort and control in his routine. 

“First, though. Come see what I did at the nurse’s station while they were doing their handover meeting.” Minhyuk had that mischievous glint back in his eyes as he lead the way. 

Both Jooheon and Hyungwon followed him over to a safe viewing distance. 

“The desk drawers.” Minhyuk whispered. 

They watched for a few minutes until Nurse Yoo opened one of the drawers to retrieve a pen. When he did, it snapped shut instantly. He frowned in confusion and tried again, but once again it snapped shut. 

Minhyuk was giggling into his hand and Hyungwon couldn’t help but smile in amusement as Nurse Yoo mouthed the words _“What the fuck?”_

The nurse then tried the next drawer down and exactly the same thing happened. He sighed and rubbed his temples in frustration, still frowning. 

“What did you do?” Jooheon snickered. 

“Rubber bands.” Minhyuk managed through his giggles. 

Suddenly, Nurse Yoo looked over at the three with a sharp gaze. The kind of look a disapproving parent would give at a misbehaving child. “Minhyuk. What have you done to the duty desk?”

“How’d you know it was me?!” Minhyuk exclaimed. 

“Because it is _always_ you.”

“I attached rubber bands to thumb tacks at the back of the drawers and the desk backboard behind them. Not the bottom one, though, because my hands wouldn’t fit and I didn’t have time to try harder.” Minhyuk relayed his trickery proudly. 

That was actually pretty clever, Nurse Yoo had to admit, but Minhyuk was actually very practically intelligent when he wanted to be. So he shouldn’t be surprised. With his silly disposition it was easy to forget that Minhyuk was actually extremely bright and cunning. The notion tended to make the nurse lament because if the universe had been a little kinder, Minhyuk would have probably gone far in life. 

“I don’t have time for all this. Fix it please.” Kihyun said sternly. 

“Yes, Charge Nurse Yoooo.” Minhyuk sing-songed. 

“Hey, Yoo? Dr Son is asking for you to go to his office at once.” Nurse Ahn winked. 

Nurse Yoo looked a little flustered for a second as he rushed off, presumably to Dr Son’s office.

“You still have to fix the desk, Min.” Nurse Ahn said before Minhyuk had a chance to run off. 

“Ah the bands would come off if you yank it hard enough anyway.” He pouted behind the nurse’s back as he walked away. 

“What time will your mother visit?” Hyungwon asked as he watched Minhyuk crouch by the desk to dismantle his work.

“After lunch. The train takes ages.” He chirped back. 

“She brings Minhyuk cookies but last time brought a box for me, too.” Jooheon grinned. 

“I’ll share with you though Hyungwon!”

“Yah! You never shared with me!” The youngest frowned in affront. 

“Because you’re not as pretty as Hyungwon.” Minhyuk teased as he sat up. 

Jooheon just pouted indignantly and began to argue the point, allowing Hyungwon recede into his reading spot before someone else could sit there, face heating up in a blush at being called pretty. The compliment embarrassed him because he felt so undeserving of it. If anyone was pretty, it was Minhyuk. Especially with that infectious smile and excited puppy demeanour. 

He remained perched there in his seat, trying to get over his own awkwardness by reading through a book on Japan that he’d pulled out of the shelf at random. Not that he’d never have the guts to travel anywhere, let alone another country where he barely spoke a lick of the language. 

Again, he found himself intermittently flicking his eyes up to watch Minhyuk and Jooheon outside. It had become part of his safe little routine. As usual, he’d watch until Jooheon would get frustrated and walk off. Minhyuk, as usual, seemed perfectly happy to run around alone and burn off some of his energy while Jooheon pouted. 

Hyungwon curiously turned to the back of his book, looking over the Japanese phrases to see how many he remembered from school. He never really had a head for foreign languages.

 _“Arigatou gozaimas. Onegaishimas. Sumimasen. Gomen Nasai.”_ He recited in his head. 

When he looked up again, he saw Nurse Yoo looking concerned as he quickly crossed the room to the doors. 

“Minhyuk, would you come with me for a moment?” The nurse called out.

Hyungwon watched as Minhyuk followed, looking confused. Even Jooheon looked confused as he walked back inside, sitting next to Hyungwon. 

“He doesn’t have a session today and it’s too early for his mother to be here.” The younger thought aloud. 

“Is he in trouble for his desk prank do you think?”

“Nah, he’s done much worse than that.” Jooheon shrugged. “I hope everything’s ok. Nurse Yoo looked kinda troubled. That guy has a frown for every occasion and that was his worried frown.”

“I think I’ll go sit in my room soon.” Hyungwon said eventually, chewing at the inside of his cheek absently. He didn’t like being in the communal spaces without Minhyuk’s presence. The other man felt like a safe place, despite how intense he could be. Not that he didn’t like Jooheon, he just wasn’t quite so comfortable with him yet. 

 

———

 

Minhyuk was brought to Dr Son’s office. The atmosphere was serious and he didn’t like it. It felt wrong. 

He sat down and wrapped his arms protectively around himself. Something he did when he felt vulnerable, overwhelmed or ashamed. 

**They’re going to tell you something bad.**

“I’m afraid your mother isn’t able to make it today, Minhyuk.” Dr Son said carefully. 

“Why not?” His usually loud voice came out small. 

“I’m unsure. It was just a message passed on to me. She sends her love and apologies.”

**Maybe she stopped loving you like Jooheon and Hyungwon’s parents probably did.**

“Does she not want to see me anymore?” His eyes willed up with tears. 

“She would never stop wanting to see you, Minhyuk.” The nurse crouched down in front of Minhyuk where he was sat took his hands. “She loves you to the moon and back but you know it’s a long way to travel and can become very expensive, so maybe this time it just wasn’t possible.”

Minhyuk nodded and sniffled. He didn’t get it, she had promised to come and see him. He was going to be able to leave for a few hours to walk around the town with her before she’d have to take the late train back home. 

**She also promised she wouldn’t send you away again after the first time.**

“Maybe tomorrow we will see if she is able to talk to you on the phone, hm?” Nurse Yoo offered. 

“Yes, you can use my office phone.” The doctor added. Not that Minhyuk was listening much, he was too busy trying to keep it together. 

“I know you’re disappointed. Are you going to be alright?”

Minhyuk nodded vaguely, a little dazed amongst the static in his brain. 

“Hoseok will take you back to your room, ok?” Nurse Yoo slowly got up and lead Minhyuk to the door, he’d have escorted him back himself but he had questions to ask. The sadness and disappointment in Minhyuk’s eyes was honestly heartbreaking. He looked like the poor creature he’d been when he’d first arrived. 

As soon as Minhyuk was being lead away by Hoseok. The nurse turned and closed the office door. “You know why she isn’t here. I know you know.” He sounded almost accusatory. He was practically a human lie detector, nothing got past him. 

Hyunwoo sighed and leaned back in his chair, rubbing his hands over his face before eventually answering. “She was admitted to the hospital last night. She said she hoped to be discharged this evening and that it was nothing serious. She asked that I not tell Minhyuk because it would make him worry.”

“He was devastated, though. Why not just say she had to work or something? He’ll worry now anyway.”

“Because that would be a bare faced lie. I don’t believe in being dishonest with my patients as far as I can help it. I had to respect her wishes, though.” He paused. “...But I’m extremely concerned because she asked for the contact information of the hospital’s legal team.”

“What? You think she’s suing us or something? What for?” 

“No, I don’t think she’s suing us at all. Theres no case, anyway. The only other reason people want to contact or legal team for is handing over responsibility of care.” It was, of course, a mostly private facility and there was usually nothing keeping a person there by law and at the end of the day the next of kin would have the final say on care. But if the duty of care were to be legally transferred to the hospital, the person would no longer be the next of kin’s problem. Hyunwoo had seen it happen more than a few times. 

“She wouldn’t. I know it must be stressful but they’re so close and he’s doing so well. With community support he will probably be able to live independently perfectly well. They’ve been through worse. I can’t see her washing her hands of him. I met the woman on several occasions, she’s so sweet and she adores her son.” She was one of the most supportive relatives Kihyun had ever seen. 

“I wouldn’t like to jump to too many conclusions just yet.” 

“I hope you’re wrong. She’s all he’s got.” 

“It wouldn’t make sense so hopefully I am wrong.” But there weren’t any other explanations, were there?

“I think you should tell Minhyuk the full truth. I know she asked for you not to tell him but he is your patient, not her.”

“Let’s see if anything comes from the legal team and go from there.”

“This... may be a bad time but...” Kihyun’s eyes flicked to the small pile of mail sitting on Hyunwoo’s desk. The one on the top was addressed with familiar handwriting. Kihyun knew exactly what that letter contained. 

“What?”

“Nothing. Sorry. I should get back to work, I have medication charts to prepare.”

“Of course, sorry. Thank you for being here for this. You’re very good with Minhyuk. Well, with all the patients actually.”

“I’ll leave you to get on, that pile of mail looks like it requires your attention. Please see to it before it becomes out of control.” Kihyun dipped his head before leaving.

 

———

 

When Hyungwon arrived back at the room he wasn’t expecting Minhyuk to be there. But there he was, sat on his bed with his arms around himself, looking sad. It was a strange vision, not inkeeping with the mental image Hyungwon had built of the other young man. 

“Minhyuk?” Hyungwon approached cautiously, reaching out and placing a hand gingerly on the other’s shoulder. 

Minhyuk instinctively leaned into the touch. “She didn’t come.” He said in a small voice, strained from holding back tears. 

“Your mother? Why?”

“Dr Son said she couldn’t come.” He shrugged. “I don’t know why...”

“It’s ok... maybe something came up?” Hyungwon tried to reason. He wasn’t great at dealing with his own emotions, let alone someone else’s. When Minhyuk didn’t respond he finally reached out a tentative arm to wrap around the other’s shoulders as he sat down next to him. 

Minhyuk instantly curled into him, clinging to his shirt and sobbing quietly. It was so strange to see Minhyuk, the guy with the big sunny smile, so upset. Hyungwon gently traced his fingers around the back of his neck just below the hairline as his shirt grew damp with tears. Minhyuk had soothed him through his nightmares every night, it was Hyungwon’s turn to do the comforting. To the best of his ability, at least.

After a while, Minhyuk’s sobs trailed off and he looked up suddenly. “I thought about what I said to you and Jooheon. Saying his parents don’t like him and asking about why yours won’t come.” He sniffled. “I’m sorry about saying those things. I forget how lucky I am.”

“It’s ok...” The younger paused. “I don’t have anyone who would visit because I’m an inconvenience to my grandparents and my mother... she’s dead. I don’t have anyone.”

“Oh Hyungwon! That’s so terrible! I’m crying because my mother didn’t come see me and you don’t even have one. Does it upset you if I talk about her? I’m sorry, I’ll stop. I’m so insensitive!”

“No no, I think on some level it hurts but actually I kind of like hearing you talk about your mother. It makes me think of the nice memories I have of mine.” Anything to keep the bad memories out. 

“What was she like?”

His mother had been a meek and nervous woman who spoke very little. Living in fear would do that to a person. But she had a big heart. “She was quiet but kind. The kindest person I ever knew.” He had scarcely talked about her since she died. 

“So... she was like you.”

“How do you know I’m kind?”

“You put your arm around me and let me cry on you. You care because you’re kind. Also, I’m a good judge of character. Will you tell me more about her?”

“She showed me how to make daisy chains and I’d sit and make them for hours when I was a kid. I used to like putting them in my hair and she said I looked like a pixie.” He smiled at the memory. 

“So cute! I bet she loved you so much.” Minhyuk beamed, tears no longer falling.

“She did.” She really did. That was the worst thing, actually.

**Don’t.**

“How did she die?” Minhyuk’s curiosity leaped out of his mouth before he could stop it. 

“She— she loved me too much.” Because in the end, that’s what killed her. Her love for her son. The thought felt like a punch in the gut. One memory too far. A few horrible images flicked in front of his eyes, making him feel sick to his stomach. 

**Stop. A vague answer means he doesn’t want to talk about it. You’re so nosey. It’s none of your business, he won’t like you if you ask those kinds of things. Don’t ask about his dad, either. He could be gone like yours.**

“...You said you don’t have anyone. But that isn’t true. I’ll be your someone, Hyungwon. You aren’t alone, I promise, I’m your friend.” Minhyuk laced their fingers together, still leaning heavily against him.

Hyungwon’s heart stuttered in his chest, hearing those words. Someone wanted to be his friend, despite knowing how broken he was. He didn’t have to hide and pretend to be perfectly functional. A kindness he hadn’t known for such a long time. “Can I be your someone, too?” He murmured under his breath. 

“You already are, silly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: What is contained within the letter on the desk?  
> Hyungwon and Minhyuk take a shower.
> 
> ______
> 
>  
> 
> In other news: you guys saw that whole Hyungwon Allure Korea thing, right? Oh my god, be still my beating heart. I was not ready to see such human perfection. 
> 
> Also- fun fact about me: my gateway song into Kpop was Fantastic Baby :D


	4. Cumulonimbus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The contents of the letter on Hyunwoo’s desk is revealed. Meanwhile, Minhyuk wants nothing more than to make Hyungwon feel loved so that he could maybe learn to love himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The heads-up for this chapter is it does describe a panic attack.

**Cumulonimbus are one of the few kinds of cloud that span the low, middle, and high layers of the atmosphere. Their tops are flattened in the shape of an anvil or a plume while their bottoms are usually dark and hazy. They can result in short but heavy periods of rainfall.**

 

Only a few days had passed and Minhyuk seemed to bounce back pretty quickly from his disappointment in not getting a visit from his mother. Though, he had yet to speak with her over the phone, either. It made Hyungwon wonder how much of it was just Minhyuk putting on a brave face.

Hyungwon could relate to that, at least. He had to put on a brave face every day until he just couldn’t cope anymore and it landed him in a place like this. Not that it was as bad as he had anticipated, but Minhyuk was probably a big part of that. He was the kind of person Hyungwon would normally avoid, loud and unpredictable. Basically everything he himself wasn’t. But despite that, he just couldn’t help but like him. 

The facility itself was fine, he supposed. Hyungwon really didn’t mind the boredom or the fact that a lot of his control was taken away. When to wash, when to eat, where to be and all that. It was nice, in a way, there was no pressure. His world had narrowed down and the pressure was taken off of him. Giving him time and space to try to heal.

The nausea some of the medication had caused him had finally started to fade and his therapy sessions were starting to become less of a terrifying chore. Not that he was quite ready to talk though everything. No, he couldn’t even think about certain things, let alone discuss them. 

Suddenly, Hyungwon was shaken out of his deep thoughts by the sound of his roommate’s voice coming from the floor next to his bed. 

“I need your help.” Minhyuk reached an arm into the space under his own bed and pulled out a paper cup and a pen he’d taken from Dr Son’s office. “I need you to write on this for me.”

Hyungwon blinked at the cup, processing the strange request. “Uh sure? What do I need to write?”

“Write _caught spider. Didn’t know how to get it out after._ Nice and clearly.” 

He explained.

“Spider?” 

“The spider isn’t real don’t worry. I’m gonna leave it on the nursing duty desk. My handwriting is absolutely terrible so they won’t be able to read it. That’s why you gotta do it.”

“I’m beginning to see your dark side. Such a nice smile hides such malice.” Hyungwon joked. 

“I’m not malicious! Just bored.” Minhyuk pouted, pushing out his bottom lip and giving his best puppy eyes. 

“Just so you know, I hate bugs. Flying insects, really. The kids at school chased me with cicadas every summer and shoved them in my mouth one time. That and other stuff made me scared of going outside. So please don’t do anything like this to me.” He did promise to tell Minhyuk, after all. Maybe now was as good a time as any.

“That’s gross! And so mean! To you and to poor cicadas!” Minhyuk look completely mortified. “What kind of person does that!?” 

“It wasn’t just that, they’d do stuff like toss my backpack in the school pond and use me as a punching bag.” He took the cup and pen and began to carefully write on it, concentrating on not letting his hands shake too much. 

“But why?”

“Because I was the gay kid without parents. I was also tall and gangly with puffy lips and bug eyes and so I was different. People haha different.” He looked up when a hand curled around his wrist. 

**Without parents. Plural. He doesn’t have a dad, either. Good thing you didn’t ask about his dad, too.**

“I was different, too.” Minhyuk knew all too well how lonely it was to be different. To be singled out. Looking back, he wasn’t sure if the mocking which went on behind his back was a product of his own mind or not, but the whispers and the pointing were more than too much sometimes. The way other kids would argue over who wouldn’t have to sit near him in class while he stood right there in front of them, trying to smile. His mother had told him smiles were a good way to make friends, but it never worked. No matter how much he smiled. “I can’t relate to being bullied like that, though. It was different for me but I know it’s lonely.”

**You were alone because they knew about me. Don’t tell him, or you’ll be alone again.**

_“But Jooheon knows and he’s still my friend.”_ He thought back. 

Hyungwon looked down at how thin his wrist looked in Minhyuk’s hand. “It’ll be recreation time soon, don’t make me cry by getting emotional now, Min.” Hyungwon forced a smile onto his face. 

“Ok but finish writing on that cup before we go.” Minhyuk smiled back and let go of his wrist, sitting back on his haunches on the floor. 

It turned out that Minhyuk’s paper cup trick had worked perfectly. He’d waited until the desk was momentarily unattended and dashed over to place it there. He watched from a safe distance with Hyungwon and Jooheon as each nurse and orderly noticed it and eyed it suspiciously. Some even dared to poke at it and soon they’d gathered to debate who was going to pick it up. 

That is, until Nurse Yoo appeared. 

“What is going on? Why is everyone here?” His sharp eyes landed on the cup and half a second later they went straight to Minhyuk, knowing exactly who the mastermind was. “Oh for goodness sake.” He picked up the cup, causing everyone to jolt back instinctively. 

Of course, there was nothing under it. 

Nurse Yoo rolled his eyes. “There. Crisis over. Now we can all get back to work, yes?” He whipped around. “That goes for you, too, Nurse Ahn. If you have time to lean you have time to clean.”

“I just spent all morning date checking all the drugs.” He defended himself. 

“Oh good. After I asked you to do it four times yesterday. And the day before that.”

Meanwhile, Minhyuk was still giggling to himself. 

“Looks like you caused an argument.” Jooheon elbowed the older in the side. 

“Nah they always argue.” He wrapped his arms around Jooheon’s neck and jumped to wrap his legs around him. “Now carry me outside, minion!”

Hyungwon watched as Jooheon struggled to carry Minhyuk outside, complaining that he was hurting his neck. They really were good friends. It made Hyungwon almost feel.... jealous? He wasn’t sure why or what he was jealous of. Minhyuk was his friend, too. He’d said so. Maybe it was more the fact that Jooheon had the physical strength and confidence in his own body to actually allow Minhyuk to climb all over him like that and grab at him. Minhyuk was a very tactile person. 

 

______________________

 

Over the last few nights, Minhyuk had taken to just slipping into Hyungwon’s bed at the end of the day rather than his own. Hyungwon didn’t mind. It was nice, actually. It didn’t feel weird like he thought it should, it felt natural and warm having another body pressed up against him. He also liked the way Minhyuk would gently twist locks of his hair around his fingers and sometimes hum under his breath. It was as if the other was standing guard to protect him from the nightmares. 

But he couldn’t. 

Nothing could stop them. Horrible, twisting and visceral. Vivid and relentless. 

Hyungwon woke up with a jolt, body shaking violently and his chest tight. He couldn’t fucking breathe. He was pulling air into his lungs but it felt like nothing. Like he couldn’t catch his breath and all the oxygen had left the room. He was completely soaked with sweat, his pyjamas and the sheets saturated, too. 

The sudden movement next to him woke Minhyuk. Even he was covered in the other’s sweat from laying wrapped around him. “Hyungwon? Hey, are you with me?” He realised quickly that something was very wrong. 

Hyungwon couldn't speak. He felt like he was dying. Like the walls were closing in and pressing in on him from all angles. Intrusive thoughts pushing their way to the front of his brain and spilling into his vision. 

“Are you having another panic attack?”

Hyungwon wasn't sure what Minhyuk had said but he caught the inflection at the end, so it sounded like a question. So he nodded, hoping the other had asked him if he needed help or something. 

**You have to help him. Let him know he’s safe and that this will end.**

“It’s ok, Hyungwon. You’re here with me and nothing bad is going to happen to you. You’re safe. I’d never let anything hurt you, anyway. I know you feel afraid right now but it’ll pass.”

Hyungwon was curled in on himself now, knees pulled tightly against himself. Protecting himself from the sense of fear like something was coming for him. 

“Hey, can you look at me?”

**If this doesn’t stop, you’ll have to hit the emergency buzzer.**

Hyungwon looked up, eyes huge and wild. 

“Me talking about snow to you helped last time so I’ll try that again. I think it’ll start snowing early this year. It looks like the pressure is going to drop and it’s gonna get cold enough quickly and hopefully there should be enough moisture in the air. You see, the ice crystals form up in the atmosphere and they grow by absorbing the water droplets around them. That makes snowflakes.” He ran his hand through sweat soaked soft brown hair. “Oh and unfortunately it’s a myth that no two snowflakes are the same. The main categories snowflakes fall into are plate, column, stars, dendrite, lacy, needle, and capped column forms. Dendrites are my personal favourites.” He rattled off the information. 

Hyungwon’s hand took ahold of Minhyuk’s, reaching out to ground himself to it. 

“Snow is my absolute favourite kind of weather, I once spent months bleaching my hair white without damaging it too much and as soon as winter came and it started snowing I was sad because you couldn’t see the snowflakes in my hair. So after all that effort I dyed it black again so they’d make me look pretty like they did everything else around.” The older continued talking.

“You’re pretty anyway...” Hyungwon sniffled, calming down as he pulled himself back from the edge. He wasn’t sure why he’d said that but he gave himself the benefit of the doubt. His brain felt like soup and had formed an image of Minhyuk with white snowflakes settling in his black hair. 

“So are you.” The older poked his cheek. 

Hyungwon sat back a little, feeling cold as he became aware of the soaked fabric against his skin. “God, sorry. I’m so fucking disgusting. I can’t believe I got you all sweaty, too.”

“Hm? Oh it’s fine. I don’t care. We can shower if you like and then sleep in my bed. Hoseok is on duty tonight and he’ll let us.” 

“T-Together?” If he didn’t feel so gross he wouldn’t have even entertained the idea. 

“I won’t look. Don’t worry. I don’t look when you get changed under the blankets, do I?” He brushed the damp hair back off Hyungwon’s forehead. “Sorry I didn’t wake up when it started and allowed the nightmares go on. I’m usually a light sleeper. You must make me comfortable.” Minhyuk slipped out of the bed and opened the hatch on the door, peering out into the near-darkness. 

Hyungwon almost jumped out of his skin when Minhyuk suddenly yelled Hoseok’s name. The guy should have been a singer or stage actor with a voice like that. The man sure could project.

“Oops. Sorry.” Minhyuk giggled at the startled expression on the younger’s face. 

The door opened quickly. “Jesus Christ, Min I thought someone was dying in here or something.” Hoseok visibly relaxed when he saw the pair seemed physically unharmed. 

“Sorry but we need to go shower. Things got a little sweaty.” Minhyuk gave an exaggerated wink. 

“It wasn’t l-like that!” Hyungwon hid his face in his hands, his cheeks burning with embarrassment.”

Hoseok looked between them and sighed. “Ok, fine. Is everything ok though?”

“Yeah, it is now.” Minhyuk reassured him. 

“Come on, then. Then I can get back to my very important night shift duties.” 

“What, watching Netflix and snacking?” Minhyuk teased. 

“That and I try to work out a little so I don’t feel bad about the snacking.” Hoseok lead the pair down the dimly lit corridors to the shower block. Hyungwon stayed quiet, an anxious fear creeping up his spine. He hadn’t showed with anyone before. He wasn’t ready to be so exposed like that. Even in front of Minhyuk. 

“I’ll be right outside.” Hoseok assured them as he flicked the harsh white lights on. 

The shower block consisted of 8 open showers. Hyungwon headed straight to the one at the far end. When Minhyuk tried to follow he stopped. “Can you use the first one? Up by the door? S-Sorry.”

“Oh. Sure, ok.” 

“God this is awful.” Hyungwon said out loud to himself, shakily turning on the shower without removing his pyjamas. 

“You are not taking them off?” Minhyuk asked from the other end of the room. Was showering in your pyjamas just a normal thing that some people did and he didn’t realise?

“I-I don’t want you to see me...”

“I won’t look.” He turned around. “See?”

“I know, I trust you but.... I just can’t do it.”

“Can I get undressed?” Minhyuk wasn’t sure if it was ok for him to be naked around Hyungwon since the younger wasn’t undressing. Wasn’t that unfair? But Minhyuk wasn’t shy at all. 

“Y-Yeah. Go ahead. I promise I won’t look, either.” His anxiety around own body and the idea of a wet naked Minhyuk was quite the combination for his nerves. He really couldn’t deny the fact he found Minhyuk physically attractive. 

Minhyuk wasted no time in turning on the shower and pulling off his sweaty pyjamas. He made a noise like a contented sigh as the hot water hit his skin. 

Hyungwon was sweating even more now, thinking of Minhyuk standing there naked under the water just a few meters away. It made him feel like a pervert for remaining fully clothed and begging to not be seen, while wanting to cast a glance at the other. 

He distracted himself by quickly washing as best he could with the saturated cloth still clinging to his body. Once he was finished, he realised he’d have to undress anyway to dry himself off. Dear hit him like a block of ice. He just wanted this to be over. “A-Are you almost done?” He asked, turning off the water. He’d been so inside his own head that he didn’t realise Minhyuk had started singing under the spray. 

“You are my, and I’m your diamond los— Huh?” He stopped in his rendition of Paradise Lost. “Pretty much, yeah.”

**Hey I was enjoying that song.**

“Please could you pass me a towel?” Because Hyungwon didn’t trust himself to use his legs and walk right now. He heard the other shower turn off and the sound of wet footsteps crossing the room towards him. When he plucked up the courage to turn around, he was greeted by the sight of Minhyuk with a towel thankfully wrapped around his waist and holding another out to him. Thank fucking god he wasn’t naked because shit, Minhyuk was gorgeous. He was made of soft but firm lines, his bones well covered but lean from a life of near constant movement. 

The taller felt himself stare at the body in front of him just a moment too long and became suddenly very aware that Minhyuk could probably see a lot of his body through the wet cotton. He took the towel quickly and babbled out a muddled mess of thanks and apologies.

“Am I making you nervous, Hyungwon?”

**What time is it? It’s late.**

“I’m making myself nervous, I think.” Hyungwon forced out. He felt like he was standing there with all his ugliness completely exposed. He was starting to panic again. 

“It’s ok, focus on the ground under your feet.” Minhyuk reached out and took his hand gently. “My eyes are closed. So don’t worry. I’ll go get dressed outside and leave your dry pyjamas for you so you can be alone to get dressed. That’s why you’re scared, right? Because you’re afraid of being seen?”

Hyungwon nodded dumbly in response. He did focus on something, but not the feeling of the wet tiles under his feet. It was the feeling of the warm hand holding onto his. The hand that had turned into a sort of lifeline for him. 

“For the record, I still think you’re super handsome.”

“I’m not.” Hyungwon was glad there weren’t many mirrors or reflective surfaces around the unit so he didn’t have to see his reflection. All awkward with skinny too-long arms and legs, like a harvestman scuttling around. 

**Try not to be too weird. You want to fuck him, you know it.**

_“It isn’t like that. I only want him to feel loved.”_ He answered in his head, because the insinuation made him a little angry. The implication that his intentions were something impure and dirty. He wasn’t like that. 

**Is that what they call it these days?**

_“You’re wrong. I hate when you get like this. I want to hold him until he feels safe and wanted. I want him to love himself.”_

**At least he won’t take advantage of you.**

Minhyuk left to finish drying off and get dressed into the clean pyjamas Hoseok handed him. Then, he placed a set just inside the door to the shower room. 

“Why were you guys so gross and sweaty, anyway?” Hoseok enquired. 

“He gets nightmares and this one must have been really bad. He was sweating so much. 

“You sleep in one bed?” Hoseok raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah. It helps him sleep and actually I sleep more now, too.”

“Oh that’s so soft, I can’t handle it. I’m glad you both get along so well. I was worried about how you’d take Jooheon being discharged.”

“I’ll miss him but he promised we’ll stay friends.”

“Good. Maybe his spine will have time to heal.” Hoseok joked. 

“He complains but he’s strong enough to carry me! Not as strong as you but still pretty strong.” Minhyuk pouted. He’d never intentionally injure Jooheon. 

Hyungwon finally emerged shyly from the showers, now fully dressed in his fresh pyjamas, the pinkness in his cheeks more noticeable now they weren’t under such intense blanching lights. 

“You look cute with your face all flushed!” Minhyuk exclaimed too loudly. 

“Let’s get you two back to your room before you wake up the whole hospital.” 

Once back in their room they laid in Minhyuk’s bed. 

Neither fell back to sleep. Instead, they just lay with Minhyuk half on top of the younger, his weight pressed over him comfortably. Like a human version of a weighted blanket. His head was on Hyungwon’s chest and his left hand found it’s way to his, taking it and tracing patterns on his palm absently. 

Hyungwon tried to guess what some of the shapes he was drawing out were. He caught only a few. 

A star. A heart. A flower. Multiple spirals. 

They were silent, eyes closed and basking in a pleasant calm. A calm neither of them were accustomed to. Especially Minhyuk, his head felt quiet like gently falling snow for the first time in a long while. There wasn’t much except the gentle thrum of the heart just a few inches from his ear and the slow movement of air through the lungs it was nestled behind. 

“Can you come shower with me again sometime?” Was the only thing Hyungwon said at some point in the early hours, knowing Minhyuk was still awake by the patterns he continued to trace with his fingertips. 

“Whenever you like.”

Hyungwon trusted him and had decided if he was going to feel comfortable in his own skin around anyone then it would be Minhyuk. 

But baby steps were necessary. He wasn’t prepared to strip off naked in front of him just yet. 

 

———

 

The next day, Hyungwon decided to spend his recreational time reading in their room alone. There were too many distractions downstairs and he didn’t really feel like facing a lot of people today. Sometimes it was just too great an expenditure of energy to sit and hope nobody tried to interact with him. 

Besides, he had found a book on weather systems and figured since it was Minhyuk’s area of interest, he’d try to learn some things about it, too. 

Meanwhile, Minhyuk was making the most of still having Jooheon around by play fighting with him outside. They weren’t the best combination for this sort of thing because Minhyuk would usually become too rough and Jooheon was a person who was easily frustrated. 

He shoved Minhyuk a little too hard from behind and knocked him over, causing him to graze one of his knees bad enough to make it start to bleed profusely.

“Shit, sorry Min!” Regret instantly filled the younger’s face. 

Minhyuk turned to sit with his knees up and peered at his injury, red soaking through the ripped fabric. “Oh. It’s ok. Owie.” He poked at it experimentally, making the younger wince. 

“Don’t poke it! I’ll get one of the nurses.” Jooheon began to panic, running back inside. 

“Jeez Honey it’s not like my leg is gonna fall off!” He called out as he sat looking closer out of grim curiosity. It stung, that was for sure. He picked out a a small stone imbedded there, not really concerned about the injury itself. He was never really concerned whenever he was physically hurt in some way. Bodies generally heal, after all. 

“Honestly, I told you two to be careful. Can you stand?” A familiar voice. 

Minhyuk looked up to see Nurse Yoo offering him a hand to help him up. He probably didn’t need help but he took the hand anyway and hauled himself up. “It’s fine. I just scraped it.” 

“Come to the treatment room and I’ll clean it up. Don’t want you getting an infection.” Nurse Yoo rolled his eyes and lead him inside and along to the treatment room down the hall. 

He snapped on a pair of latex gloves and sat Minhyuk up on the uncomfortable plastic covered treatment bed. “Stay still, ok?” He pulled over the minor injuries trolley, stocked with gauze, dressings and various bottles of different liquids. Then, he kneeled down in front of Minhyuk and rolled his trouser leg up past his knee for easier access. 

“Oh Nurse, is this all I had to do to get you on your knees between my legs?” Minhyuk cackled. “Totally worth it.”

“This is gonna sting.” Nurse Yoo warned, ignoring the lewd comment. 

“Does it only hurt at first but then feels real good?” Minhyuk continued to laugh but was cut off by the stinging of the peroxide swab against his knee. “Yah!”

“Nope. Just hurts.” Nurse Yoo looked up. “You ok?”

“You are so mean.” Minhyuk pouted.

“I sure am.” The nurse started picking pieces of grit out of the torn skin with forceps.

**No he isn’t. He is kind. He treats you like a person, too. Like Dr Son. I like Nurse Yoo. He said he enjoys listening to thunder storms. I like those, too.**

“Nah you’re not actually mean. Otherwise I wouldn’t like you and Dr Son wouldn’t like you, either.” Minhyuk clarified. 

Nurse Yoo paused for a moment. “Dr Son is my colleague. He has to act civil towards me.”

“I’m not great with the whole social norms thing but I think making out with someone at the Christmas party in front of anyone is more than colleagues being civil.” 

“Who told you that?!” He stopped what he was doing and looked up, shocked. 

“Hoseok was talking about it with someone outside my room but I didn’t know their voice so dunno who it was.” He elaborated. 

“He’s gonna find it hard to shoot hoops with you with broken arms.” Nurse Yoo scoffed and went back to cleaning up the injury. 

Minhyuk looked worried for a moment. “You’re going to break his arms because he talked about you making out with Dr Son?”

“What? No. Not literally.” He dabbed over his knee with the peroxide again to make sure it was clean, making Minhyuk hiss. “I will be talking to him, though. Please disregard what you heard. That was nine months ago and I’m sick of hearing about it.”

“Fiiiiiine. But I think you and Dr Son would be super cute together. He’s pretty hot, Hoseok says he works out and has a body like a Greek god under that suit. Also, you’re really super pretty.”

“I am not _pretty_.” Nurse Yoo frowned. 

**Not really my type but he’s pretty when he doesn’t frown.**

“Actually, I think he’s pretty even when he frowns.” Minhyuk answered out loud. He didn’t have to be careful without Hyungwon around. 

“Don’t talk about me with your voice, it’s rude because I can’t hear him.” 

**He’s perceptive. He knows when you’re talking to me, not just making weird comments.**

“He said you’re pretty when you don’t frown. Don’t worry, he likes you because you treat me like a person and you like thunder storms.”

“I treat you like a person because you are a person, Minhyuk.” He looked up at him again. 

“Some people treat me as if I’m something less.”

“Those people are wrong and it makes me mad.” He looked did wiped over the knee with saline on another piece of gauze. “Everyone here is a person and deserving of respect. Anyone can be struck by mental health difficulties and people should be more understanding.” Nurse Yoo dabbed it again to dry it. 

“Wow you’re like a real nurse!” Minhyuk teased. 

“I am a real nurse, thanks.” He stuck a dressing over his knee to keep it clean. “Now just be a little more careful, ok? You two aren’t kids.”

“You should date Dr Son.”

“I thought we were off this subject. I don’t want to date Dr Son. I thought I said to disregard that information.”

“Jooheon always says you wouldn’t frown so much if you got laid and I agree.” Minhyuk giggled. 

“Go, you’re late for lunch and I’m beginning to lose my patience.”

“You say that but you’re super patient, really.”

“Change your clothes before you go to the cafeteria, the blood might freak some people out.” Nurse Yoo stood and pulled off his gloves. 

“Thank you Nurse Yoooooo!”

 

_____________________

 

 

Nurse Yoo was alone in the nursing office, staying late from his shift to finish some notes reviews, when there was a knock at the door. 

“Yes?”

He didn’t expect to see Dr Son walk in, looking almost sheepish in his demeanour. “Figured you’d still be here. Sorry for the intrusion.”

“It’s fine.” Kihyun stood from the desk, a strange feeling forming in the pit of his stomach. He knew exactly why Dr Son was here. 

“I uh...” Hyunwoo closed the door behind him. “I received a letter about you requesting to management to join Dr Choi’s team in the east wing.”

“Yeah, I work overtime there and they’re pretty short staffed over there. The people they have left are inexperienced and you know how difficult their patients can be. Besides, I feel like a want more of a challenge in my career.” The east wing housed the more challenging patients. Many held by law under the mental health act and often either violent or suffering severe psychosis. It acted independently as a separate unit from the western wing. 

“I’m not gonna tell you to stay because it’s your choice. If it’s really what you want and you want a change then I can’t argue with that. But I will say that I would really hate to think you were leaving this unit because of me.”

“Like I said, I wanted a change. Nothing personal.” Kihyun hated lying but he couldn’t bring himself to be honest. 

“I hope Dr Choi knows how lucky he will be. You’re so good with the patients and you’ll be highly missed by all the staff here.” Hyunwoo looked down. 

“I doubt it. I’m the asshole that doesn't let people overstay their breaks and makes them clean when there’s not much else to do. They probably hate me when they aren’t busy making fun of me.” Kihyun scoffed bitterly. 

“And what evidence is there that they hate you?”

“Don’t do cognitive behavioural therapy on me. If I hear the words _faulty thinking_ I’ll walk out right now.”

“Sorry. It’s kinda hard to turn it off.” Hyunwoo huffed out a laugh. 

“I’m sorry... I wanted to tell you in person but I didn’t know what to say. So I figured I’d just let you read the information.” Kihyun sighed. 

“You don’t have to answer to me.”

“Yeah... but it would have been a courtesy.” Kihyun admitted. 

“Good luck. You’ll do great, I’m sure.” Hyunwoo took half a step closer. 

There was this strange crawling sense of disappointment for Kihyun that Hyunwoo didn’t ask him to reconsider. A disappointment he knew he probably had no right to feel. After all, he was probably the one who had made things weird by being hot and cold. Mixed signals, as Hyunwoo said. “Thank you. I uh... I should get going. I’ll miss my train home if I stay any longer. Sorry.” He dipped his head and left quickly before he could say anything stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: Minhyuk accidentally talks to his voice out loud in front of Hyungwon and showki are still terrible at feelings. 
> 
> ____
> 
> In other news: Monsta X concert soooooon! God I’m so excited. Even though I’m super nervous about travelling to London! (I dunno why but of all the cities in the world I’ve been to I find London so intimidating). Hellooooo high touch zone!
> 
> In other other news: Minhyuk’s mixtape, oh my god I love it. It’s so zany and I expected nothing less! :D That’s my bias and bias wrecker right there! I love Min and Honey as a duo, they just make me smile so much my face hurts.


	5. Cirrus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk slips up and talks to the voice in his head out loud in front of Hyungwon. How will he react?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s some softness for you!

**Cirrus is the Latin for "curl of hair". These clouds are white, wispy and thin. They appear above 20,000 feet during fair weather but can indicate a warm front moving in. In some conditions these warm fronts can result in storms such as tropical cyclones, so seeing them can also indicate storms may be coming.**

 

 

Hyungwon was sat in his usual place with a book in his lap, not that he was reading it. Honestly, he wasn’t sure what the book even was. He’d just grabbed one at random. 

It’s not like he’d freak out if his seat was taken. He’d just get anxious and would probably just stand near a corner or go back to his room. It wasn’t about the seat, it was about the repetition. The familiarity. Consistency. He needed that. Something that was the same every day. It eased his anxiety. 

He must have been looking forlorn today because two people had come and asked if he was ok. He’d given them startled assurances that he was fine but they looked unconvinced when he struggled to spit the words out. 

It wasn’t that he wasn’t ok. He just struggled under the pressure of a stranger suddenly asking him questions, despite his best efforts to be invisible. As for seeming rather down, he wasn’t. Not really. He was just tired, really tired. If someone asked him what it was like to live a life to such a level of anxiety he’d say that honestly it was exhausting. It just so happened that today was one of the days the exhaustion had caught up with him. 

On the whole, though, he was actually feeling better in himself than he had for a long time. He’d even regained an apatite for the first time in years, no longer spending mealtimes nudging his food around the plate with his chopsticks and forcing down a few tasteless bites. He’d actually felt hungry lately and had cleared his plates the last few days at dinner time. Breakfast was still something he lacked motivation for but honestly, at that hour he’s too tired to eat. 

He closed his eyes for a few seconds. Someone once told him he could fall asleep on a chicken’s lip if he wanted to. What a strange saying. Who had said that to him? 

“Is it ok if I give you this?” Minhyuk’s voice interrupted his thoughts and he opened his eyes in surprise. Unlike with other people, Minhyuk didn't make Hyungwon wish he was invisible. 

Minhyuk was standing there holding out a daisy chain he’d connected into a loop. He also had another draped in his own hair hair. The pretty white flowers standing out against his black hair. 

“I...” Hyungwon looked between the daisy chain held out to him and the one in the older’s hair. 

“You said before that your mother showed you how to make them and you used to like putting them in your hair. It sounded like a happy memory and you looked kinda down today so...” Minhyuk trailed off, suddenly unsure if he’d accidentally upset the other. 

Hyungwon was trying to find his words. It was at the end of the season so the flowers were small with thin stems. They were probably sparse this time of year, Minhyuk had likely picked every single one from the grass. Hyungwon swallowed, feeling tears building up behind his eyes. The older had gone to so much effort to cheer him up just because he had seemed to be feeling down. He must really care. 

“I’m sorry! Did I do something wrong? Do you hate it? Please don’t cry, did I make you sad because she’s dead?”

**But it seemed like such a warm memory. Maybe it’s also painful for him because she’s gone.**

“N-No! You didn’t do anything wrong.” Hyungwon eventually managed and smiled gently. “God, Minhyuk. Why are you so pure?” He wiped his eyes and took the daisies carefully, placing them in his hair. “I’m sorry for crying, I just didn’t expect— I’m just really touched. It’s really sweet of you.” He sniffled with a bigger smile that now reached his eyes. 

“Oh you look like a princess!” Minhyuk beamed, face lighting up. 

“You look like a princess, I’m more like the frog.” 

**If only he looked in the mirror and saw what you see.**

“Well, if you’re a frog and I’m a princess I’d gladly kiss you.” Minhyuk winked playfully. 

“If it would turn me into a handsome prince I’d let you do just about anything you want to me.” Hyungwon huffed out a slightly hollow laugh. But then he felt lips press oh so briefly to his cheek. It happened so quickly that it barely happened at all. He blinked a few times. Did Minhyuk just kiss him?

Minhyuk pretended to inspect over his face critically. “Hhmmm, no change that I can see. Guess you must already be a handsome prince, then.” Minhyuk grinned and the younger could feel his face heating up. Before he could say or do anything, Minhyuk was already bounding off back outside. 

God, how Hyungwon wished he could follow. But the idea made his chest clench painfully. But that wasn’t all, he was seemingly frozen in place by something else. Another reason why his heart was thumping rapidly in his chest. 

 

_______________

 

Hoseok lightly tapped on the door of the nursing office before he timidly entered. “You wanted to see me Charge Nurse Yoo?”

“Yes, come in and close the door.” He was sitting at the desk, wearing his glasses half way down his nose and his jaw a little clenched. Hoseok knew he was in trouble. 

The orderly obeyed, closing the door behind him and taking a seat, wondering what he was about to get yelled at for. “Everything ok?”

“Why are you gossiping around patients?” Kihyun asked suddenly, putting down the notes in his hand. 

Hoseok took a few seconds to process the question. “Oops...”

Kihyun stood abruptly, hands on the desk. “It’s unprofessional! What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Minhyuk has hearing like a bat! He overheard me taking about it with Kwan and he was pestering me for details. I’m sorry.”

“What? You gave him details?” His eyes widened, Minhyuk had obviously left that part out. 

“Uh... no?” 

“You told him. You were not just gossiping about me _around_ patients. You were gossiping about me _to_ a patient.”

“I’m so sorry, it had just happened and it was just kinda funny. I didn’t realise at the time it was gonna cause you so much rouble.” Hoseok tried to defend himself. But he knew he shouldn’t have done it, he did feel guilty. 

“I know you all think it’s goddamn hilarious but I’m sick of it. I’m not the first person in the world to make a mistake at a Christmas party.” Kihyun slowly sat back down. 

“Mistake? But you totally like him, right? Why don’t you just ask him to hang out outside work?” Maybe shifting the subject would spare him getting yelled at even more. 

“Because it isn’t appropriate!” The short nurse exclaimed. “Just— just go. Do your job and be professional.” Kihyun rubbed his temples and signed. “Just so you know, I’m transferring to the east wing next month.”

“What? Because of this?” Hoseok was genuinely shocked. 

“Yeah...”

“Kihyun, I’m telling you this as a friend. I think you care too much about what people say and think. You say you don’t care but you do. Don’t give in.”

“I’m not giving in.” Kihyun said a little sharply. 

“You are. You’re yielding. You should just march up to Hyunwoo, climb him like a tree and let him rip your uniform off you right there in his office. If people talk, let them. Who cares?”

Kihyun was blushing bright red. “A-And what if I don’t want to. Hm? Ever consider that? Maybe I was just really drunk and don’t like him that way.”

“You clearly had a thing for him since you started here. It’s ok to like him, Ki. Let yourself be human not just Yoo Kihyun: Super Nurse.”

Kihyun blushed even more furiously. 

“I’ll take that as an admission. He’s not gonna wait forever, Ki. He’s a nice guy with a good job and a great body, get in there before someone else snaps him up! Trust me, he goes to the same gym as me, he could fling you around the bedroom like a rag doll.”

“I’m not discussing this with you any further.” 

“Fine. But I think you’re being stupid. Not least because you’ll miss this unit and your patients. It’s really fucking hard over there.”

“Think I can’t handle it?” Kihyun narrowed his eyes. 

“It’s not about that. You know that’s not what I meant. You’re very capable. You could probably run this whole place if you wanted to.” Hoseok sighed. 

“I just... want a fresh start. Somewhere I’m not known as the slut nurse with a crush on the doctor.” He scoffed bitterly. 

“But you do like him. Right? Come on, Ki. We’re friends, you can tell me.”

“Of course I like him!” The words came flying out of his mouth before he could stop them. He clapped his hands over his mouth as if to try and take them back, eyes widening in panic. 

“Then tell him. Before you miss the chance and regret it.” Hoseok said finally as he stood and slipped out of the office. 

 

_______________

 

“How are you feeling about Jooheon being discharged?” Dr Son asked at the end of the session. 

“Mmmh happy because he gets to leave and sad because I won’t see him.” Minhyuk pouted a little as he folded a paper plane in his lap. 

“That’s a very normal reaction. You’re friends, after all.”

“He said he’ll visit me so I’ll still see him again I guess.” He tossed the plane and watched it glide across the room before hitting the window and dropping to the floor. Something about seeing that sent a little ripple of sadness through his chest and he didn’t know why. 

“Well that’s good. He will still attend outpatient appointments in the clinics here, too.”

“Actually... it makes me feel a little sad about Hyungwon, too.” Minhyuk admitted, chewing on his lower lip. 

“Why’s that?” Dr Son inquired. 

“He’s got PTSD, right? And you’ll make him better? He can recover from it?”

“He can. After he leaves here there will be continued therapy but yes, he can recover.” The doctor wasn’t sure where he was going with this. 

“But I won’t, will I? He’ll leave too and I’ll be here.”

That had been the first time in a while the doctor had heard Minhyuk sound hopeless. “Your condition is complex and it’s true that it tends to be something that people experience their whole lives with a very high relapse rate. I’ll be honest with you on that and you know that’s the case anyway. But every person is different, it doesn’t mean you will be somewhere like this forever or again after you leave.”

“I want to be normal.” Minhyuk looked down, almost ashamed of his own words. 

“Minhyuk, I want to be clear on this. Please look at me and please listen to what I’m going to say.”

Minhyuk looked up, eyes watery. 

“A lot of patients in your situation lose their way very easily, you have support a good positive attitude which helps a lot. You’re doing exceptionally well, you always have done well when you consider your circumstances. You’re very strong, I honestly am impressed with you and I see no reason why you can’t live independently in the future. There are also a lot of educational programmes that will be perfect for you, too. The world is full of opportunities, please don’t think hopeless thoughts.” Not that such things were free, of course. But with the right support and his treatment going in the right direction he could see a good future for him. 

“I’ll be ok?”

“You’ve made so much progress while you’ve been here and before your depressive episode you were coping excellently. Your social skills have improved dramatically and when you leave you’ll have support, too. I promise you that. So I genuinely think you’ll be ok. I’m not just saying that, I’d never say something I didn’t believe.” 

“Have you heard from my mother?” Minhyuk asked suddenly. 

Dr Son prided himself on his honestly with patients but he also believed in presenting whole truths, when he had all of the information. “I... I have. She sends her love but she can’t make it to visit just yet.”

“Oh... can I talk to her on the phone? I miss her.” Minhyuk looked down again. 

“I know... we’ll see what we can do. Ok?” 

**Something isn’t right.**

“Is she ok? Please tell me she’s ok. If she doesn’t want to see me then that’s fine. As long as she’s ok.” What if something terrible had happened and they just didn’t want to tell him? What if she didn’t want him anymore? He’d basically ruined her life, after all. 

“I promise I’ll give you news when I have it. Ok? I can’t right now because I don’t have all the information.” What he did know, however, was that legal proceedings to transfer duty of care to the hospital had been instigated. He just didn’t know why. 

**He knows something and he isn’t telling you. What if she’s dead? She will die some day, everyone does. One day maybe you really have will have nobody because they’ve all died. I wonder if I could die before you... is that possible?**

Minhyuk nodded. “Ok...”

“Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

“No, it’s fine.” He looked over at the window, watching the clouds slowly drift across the sky. 

“How are you sleeping?”

“Pretty good, actually. It’s nice sleeping with Hyungwon. He lets me play with his hair, it’s so soft, even though it’s lightened. Actually, his roots have grown out quite a lot. Anyway, I was trying to put in little braids but it’s so soft that they just unravelled. I’m kinda jealous because mine’s a bit dry and doesn’t feel as nice. I blame the shitty shampoo here. I’m in desperate need of some coconut oil serum. Especially since it’s about to get cold, that reaaaally dries my hair out.” He rattled off his words, speaking quickly, his affect shifting completely as if the previous conversation had never happened. 

“Hmm we’ll see what we can do. Ok?” The doctor chuckled. 

“Ok! Can I go now? Wanna get as many back hugs off Jooheon as possible before he goes out into the big wide world.”

“Yes, yes. Just remember not to be rough. I hear you scraped your knee pretty badly.”

“Yeah Jooheon got pissed off with me but he felt guilty after so he forgave me. He always forgives me!” Minhyuk chirped and fled the office with a wave goodbye. 

The doctor was left alone in the office, looking over at the paper plane on the floor with a sigh. He desperately needed to find out what was going on with Minhyuk’s mother. He had his suspicions but whatever the reason was it was probably going to hurt. 

 

______________

 

Two more days passed and Minhyuk lay awake in bed with Hyungwon’s light weight half on top of him, waiting for the 8am wake up call. It was probably around 3am, it was going to be a long wait. He wanted to get up and move around but didn’t want to disturb the sleeping man laying on him. 

**The forecast is for rain today, isn’t it?**

“Yeah, it’s starting to get cold, too.” Minhyuk answered the voice out loud.

**Are you excited?**

“Yes. Maybe Hyungwon will be able to come outside with me by the time it snows, too.” Minhyuk mused, thinking about how pretty Hyungwon would look against the white backdrop. 

**He should eat more before winter or he’ll freeze to death.**

“I’ll make sure he doesn’t freeze. Besides, he has been eating more.”

“Hmm? Are you talking to me?” Came Hyungwon’s sleepy voice. 

**People get scared of people who hear voices. He’ll think I tell you to burn things and kill people.**

Fear pierced through Minhyuk’s chest. He could physically feel his face blanching white. “I— n-no. Yes?” 

“Uh is that a yes? Are you ok?” Hyungwon shifted a little to look at him.

**Don’t.**

Minhyuk was an awful liar. He always cracked under pressure. “I’m sorry. You’ll hate me now.” His eyes filled up with tears as his body started to tremble. 

**Stop!**

“I doubt I’ll hate you. What’s wrong?” Hyungwon shifted to look at him and tentatively reached out to take his hand. 

“I wasn’t t-talking to you.” Minhyuk burrowed his face into the crook of the other’s neck and held onto his hand for dear life, because maybe this was the last time he would be able to do so. 

“So...?” The taller promoted. 

**STOP!**

Minhyuk whimpered because the voice had become uncomfortably loud inside his head. It physically hurt. 

**STOP!**

“Minhyuk?” He was really worried now. 

“I w-was talking to the voice. The voice inside my head.” Minhyuk sobbed. He could feel Hyungwon tense up a little. This was it. He was going to lose him.

**You shouldn’t have! It’s too late.**

“You... hear voices?”

“Only one!” As if that made it better. He was so terrified of the impending rejection. 

**There were others here before. Scary ones. A long time ago. They only said things to make you afraid and they wanted you to hurt yourself.**

When Hyungwon didn’t respond, he kept talking to fill in the silence. “Well, there were others at one time. I had an acute psychotic episode when I was a teenager. Before that and since then it’s only ever been one, though. Don’t worry, he’s not bad. He mostly just gives a running commentary and doesn’t tell me to burn down orphanages or anything. Please don’t hate me or be scared of me! I-I promise I’m not dangerous!” He spoke almost too quickly for the other to understand. 

“I... I’m not sure what to say to that. I’ve never met someone with a voice in their head.” Hyungwon wasn’t really sure what to think. It was shocking, yes. But did it really change anything? 

**That he knows of, people don’t exactly advertise it. And for good reason.**

“If it makes you feel better, h-he likes you. He likes you because I like you. We agree on things like that.” Minhyuk offered in a small voice, face still pressed against Hyungwon’s neck, afraid to look up or move away. 

Hyungwon didn’t say anything for a long while. With each passing second, Minhyuk grew more fearful. Until...

“Uh... hello Mr Voice.” The younger said carefully. 

**Hello Hyungwon.**

Minhyuk looked up, surprised. “He— He says hi back.” Minhyuk suddenly started giggling. “Nobody’s talked to him before. Did you know one in ten people will have auditory hallucinations at some point in their life?”

“Isn’t it annoying?”

**Am I annoying?**

“No. He isn’t always talking and I’m used to it. He mostly talks about weather I guess. We have that in common too but he prefers warm rainy days and I prefer snow.”

“It’s hard to imagine... hearing something like that inside your head.” Hyungwon couldn’t fathom what it would be like to experience something like that. 

“He’s just a part of me. Dr Son doesn’t medicate him because the medication does more harm than good sometimes and I really don’t like it, makes me feel like a zombie. I’m perfectly lucid, like I know what’s reality. There was only that one time when I was a teenager when I couldn’t tell what was real.” He spoke so candidly now that he knew Hyungwon wasn’t going to reject him. 

“Did you come here then, too?”

“No. I was in a different hospital but it was terrible. I don’t remember that much because of the drugs but I was completely lost in a world made of fear.”

**You thought the walls were turning into spiders and saw hands coming out the floor. They were grabbing at you and trying to strangle you.**

“It must have been so scary.” Hyungwon held him a little tighter. 

“It’s common for people with existing conditions to have especially bad episodes as a teenager. Hormones and all that. Not a great combo with mental illness.”

“It’s still terrible.... I can’t even begin to imagine what it must have been like.”

**Fear. Every waking moment but you can barely move to get away from it because your body is heavy with drugs. That’s what it was like, wasn’t it? Unrelenting torment. We aren’t going back to that. Never again. We won’t let it, will we?**

“It’s ok, it was a long time ago.” Minhyuk smiled. That smile really made it hard for Hyungwon to envision him being so afraid or so sad that he felt the need to take his own life. 

“I’m glad you don’t have to experience that anymore.”

“Are you scared of me now?” Because that was the question at the front of the older’s mind. 

“No. You’re still you. It doesn’t change anything. I’m still your friend and I’ll still be your someone. I promise.” Hyungwon laid his head on the pillow next to Minhyuk’s. Their faces so close it was like they were breathing the same air. 

**He accepts you? He probably doesn’t understand exactly how much that means to you, does he? It means the world to you.**

It may have been one of very few times in Minhyuk’s life where he was left speechless.

_“I want to kiss him.”_

**Again? You’ll ruin the moment. You need to learn control yourself, remember?**

_“He didn’t yell at me before.”_

**This is different. If you kiss him now it would be intimate.**

_“People kiss to show affection. I’m not exactly gonna stick my tongue down his throat.”_

**Well, you wouldn’t say no. Let’s be honest here.**

“Hyungwon?”

**This is a bridge too far. One stolen kiss too many. You really are pushing your luck, Minhyuk. You literally only just told him you hear a voice in your head.**

“Yeah?” Hyungwon’s eyes landed on his. 

**You ran off before he could react last time. Jooheon doesn’t like it when you kiss him. Only people who have made you feel unclean have liked kissing you.**

_“This is different. He isn’t them and he isn’t Jooheon. It feels different when I’m with him.”_

“You ok?” Hyungwon asked when the older didn’t say anything. 

**At least only kiss his cheek. Not on the lips.**

_“This feels right.”_ Minhyuk thought finally and pressed a feather light chaste kiss against Hyungwon’s plush lips. Lingering there for only a few seconds before pulling back just enough to speak. “Thank you Hyungwon.” And with that, he pulled up the blankets and nuzzled his face against the other’s chest to hide his giddy grin. Just about in the right place to hear Hyungwon’s pulse quicken. 

**He was blushing, we totally saw it. Cute. Maybe I was wrong.**

_“You should trust my judgement more. God, my heart feels so warm. Like it’s glowing.”_ He thought back, feeling a slim arm tentatively wrap around him. 

Minhyuk stayed awake, slowly feeling Hyungwon’s body relaxing and hearing his breathing slow right down. He really rather liked experiencing the moment the other fell asleep. He also liked the period of time where Hyungwon would sleep peacefully, before or after the nightmares. 

There was no way he was getting back to sleep, not after that. But he didn’t care. It would only be a few hours until 8am.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a little shorter, I know. But it felt like a good place to leave it, otherwise it would have ended up reaaaaaally long. 
> 
> Next time: We find out what’s going on with Minhyuk’s mother and Hyungwon is ready to take another shower with Minhyuk. 
> 
> ________
> 
>  
> 
> In other news: I’m so psyched for the London show! :D I’ll be posting my pics on my insta if you wanna see or come on over if you wanna say hi! IntrovertWanders
> 
> In other other news: I need to stop sleeping on IZ, honestly.


	6. Stratocumulus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things heat up for both our pairs. But Dr Son receives a worrying phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here come some feels! :D

**Stratocumulus appear as low, puffy, greyish patches of cloud which look dark from underneath. They form when there's weak convection in the atmosphere.**

 

Hyungwon could have convinced himself that the kiss didn’t even happen. The longer he dwelled on it the more of an impossible concept it became. 

Surely it was a dream or something, right? But no, that couldn’t be the case, either. It couldn’t have been a dream because Hyungwon didn’t have good dreams, only nightmares. The best he could hope for was an empty dreamless sleep. But at the same time, it didn’t make enough sense to be real. Maybe Minhyuk was just more insane than he thought. Why else would anyone want to kiss him? The first time could be explained away as a joke about him looking like a frog but the second time.... there was no explanation. 

It was driving him to distraction. He couldn’t keep thinking on it so obsessively. So, it took him a whole two days to finally pluck up the courage to ask Minhyuk about it. He waited until they were alone in the common area after group therapy. This way, there wouldn’t be any witnesses in case he embarrassed himself but he also wouldn’t be stuck in their room together if it became awkward. 

He reached out a hand to Minhyuk’s shoulder as the older made a beeline for the doors. “Why did you kiss me?” He blurted out. 

Minhyuk stopped and turned around, blinking in confusion for a few moments. “Because you said you looked like a frog and I didn’t want you to feel that way. I’m not really sure why I decided to kiss you, though. I guess I thought it would make you smile.” Minhyuk frowned a little at himself, his explanation didn’t sound very good but he didn’t know how else to express it. “Then when I kissed you in bed was different. It felt natural at the time to kiss you, so I did it. I probably should have asked permission though, right? I’m sorry if you didn’t like it.” He continued, worried that Hyungwon was angry about it.

“No, it’s ok. I-I liked it... I just don’t understand why you’d want to do it.”

“I did it because I like you, Hyungwon.” Minhyuk said simply. 

“B-But there’s nothing to like about me.”

Minhyuk paused in thought, trying to gather his his feelings and form them into words. 

**Just tell him you can’t really express yourself well. You haven’t covered this kind of situation in your sessions. If you freestyle it, you’ll fuck it up.**

“Hmm ok so gimme a sec.” Minhyuk tapped his chin for a few more seconds. “So, I need you to understand this but I know it’s hard because my brain doesn’t work the same as yours, but please try. The thing is, I sometimes don’t communicate what I think and feel very well and because I’ve never had to explain these kinds of things before, I don’t really know how. I don’t wanna try to do it right now because it might come out wrong. So I’ll do my best to let you know why I like you in the meantime but for now you’ll just have to believe me. Unless you think I’m weird and don’t want me to like you.”

So Minhyuk really did like him? “T-Take as long as you need, I’m not great at expressing myself either because I get nervous.” He chewed on his thumbnail. “You really are weird though, but I like it because it’s you.” 

“I think everybody’s weird, honestly.” Minhyuk giggled. “I definitely don’t have a monopoly on weird.”

“I guess the world would be boring without weird people.”

“Yeah, I also think you’re weird because you think bad things about yourself and you sleep a lot, but when you sleep you have nightmares. If it was me I just wouldn’t sleep.” 

“I get lethargic and I can’t function without a lot of sleep. It actually makes things worse if I try to avoid it.” He’d been there and done that. 

It had been the thing that caused his thin veil of normality to be lifted at work when he was too exhausted to function. He didn’t make a single coffee order correctly the whole morning and when his manager called him out on it, he just burst into tears in front of everyone. He figured the only reason he wasn’t fired was because the manager was probably afraid he’d go kill himself or something. People tiptoed around him after that and he was no longer the shy quiet guy. He became the guy who spent over an hour curled up behind the counter, inconsolably crying. 

If there was one way to have people treat you like you’re both contagious and made of glass, then that was it. 

“Hmmm I guess that kinda makes sense. Sometimes I really wanna sleep but can’t and it’s awful.” It got really terrible sometimes, actually. He’d be so exhausted yet so full of nervous energy. His mind running at a million miles an hour but his body wracked with exhaustion, begging for rest. Like a hamster on a wheel that just kept spinning, unable to get off and forced to keep running. 

“Hey! C’mon I only got five more days to kick your butt!” Jooheon called from the other side of the room, basketball in hand and a wide smile showing off his deep dimples. 

Hyungwon watched as Minhyuk disappeared away with the youngest as they headed outside, where he couldn’t bring himself to follow. He’d probably just get in the way of their fun, anyway. 

“Do you know what a sun dog is, Honey? It’s an atmospheric optical phenomenon that manifests as a bright spot to one or both sides of the Sun! Do you wanna guess what kind or ice crystals cause them?” He heard Minhyuk yell even though he was practically wrapped around Jooheon’s neck. 

Jooheon was cute and handsome. A tactile looking, well built body and a baby face with pretty eyes which disappeared into crescents when he smiled. He also seemed perfectly functional. The only time Hyungwon had seen anything to the contrary was when he witnessed Jooheon becoming incredibly frustrated with himself for not being able to draw a perfect circle. He calmed down quickly when Nurse Moon talked him down and Minhyuk came and gave him a back hug. He walked around for the rest of the afternoon carrying Minhyuk like a backpack. 

Hyungwon would have thought Minhyuk would much rather be kissing someone like that than him. 

 

______________________

 

 

“You asked for me, Dr Son?” Nurse Yoo was looking at the floor, not at the doctor as he lingered half in/half out of the office door. For someone who usually maintained piercing eye contact, it was out of character. 

“Yeah, please come in. I wanted to talk to you about your transfer.”

“I think it’s best not to discuss things that aren’t patient related while we’re both on the clock. I appreciated you waiting until my shift was over last time.”

“You haven’t been here past your hours the last few days and you made it clear that you don’t want to see me outside of these walls.” There was a rare tinge of frustration in the doctor’s voice that Kihyun had never heard.

Kihyun had still been staying late. He always did. But he’d been sitting organising care plans and drug charts in the medical bay so he couldn’t be found. One might say he’d been hiding. “Fine, but I can’t think what you possibly have to say on the matter.” He entered and closed the door, crossing the room to stand in front of the desk, arms folded. A tense silence drifted through the room.

“Don’t go.” Hyunwoo said, finally.

That was what Kihyun had wanted him to say in the first place, somewhere in the back of his mind. Somewhere so far back he wouldn’t admit to it out loud. “What?”

Hyunwoo raised himself from his seat and rounded the desk to stand in front of the other. “What can I do to make you stay?” He sounded like he was begging. 

Then it hit Kihyun like a train as he looked up into the doctor’s face. This man who had been so good to him. This man he had long harboured feelings for yet had pushed away. 

So fucking what if people were talking about him? He shouldn’t care. He really shouldn’t. Hoseok was right. It wasn’t like he was actually doing anything wrong, right?

He’d been denying himself something he could be missing out on, something potentially amazing. Kihyun’s entire life had been about his career, ever since he received his letter of acceptance to study nursing. He’d sacrificed his social life for it and what hadn’t been sacrificed for his education and career had been sacrificed for his own stupid stubbornness. 

Not this time. Fuck it. Now he needed to stop caring. He wasn’t going to let Hyunwoo become one of those sacrifices. He could allow himself this one thing. “.... Oh god. Y’know what? Fuck it!” He yanked Hyunwoo down harshly by his shirt and met his lips aggressively.

The doctor made a surprised noise but quickly kissed back, licking at Kihyun’s lower lip, hands landing on his small waist. 

Kihyun felt the edge of the desk up against the backs of his thighs, he hopped up so that he sat on the surface and pulled Hyunwoo in closer between his legs. Fuck. This is what he’d been missing out on. Teeth catching on lips and tongues clashing feverishly. The thrill of being caught running up his spine as he took ahold of the doctor’s tie. “Fuck, Hyunwoo. Anyone could walk in.”

Kihyun felt like a bottle of mentos and coke that had been shaken up and suddenly someone had taken the cap off. All the pent up lust and sexual tension he’d held onto since first meeting the doctor suddenly being released. He never let himself feel like this before, greedy and wanting more. Wanting everything. He was always so in control of everything. Every aspect of his life and behaviour was calculated. It was a rush, but so fucking terrifying. 

“I love it when you call me by my name.” Hyunwoo groaned, a hand slipping up the outside of Kihyun’s thigh and around to the small of his back. “We should stop, though. Right?” He kissed down the nurse’s throat. 

“We should. But don’t you dare.” What Hoseok had said about letting Hyunwoo rip off his uniform flashed through his head. Goddamn, that sounded so appealing right now. Kihyun hadn’t gotten off with anyone for over a year. Maybe he could let go completely this one time and act purely on impulse.

He pulled at the doctor’s tie until it slipped off from around his neck. Kihyun was quickly approaching the point of no return. And then, suddenly....

Kihyun could have cried when the phone on the desk started ringing. 

“Shit.” The nurse cursed, feeling like gravity had suddenly come down on him. 

“I really have to take this call, I’m sorry.” Hyunwoo rushed out with an apologetic voice against the heated skin on his neck. 

“Fine, but you’re taking me out on the weekend.” Kihyun groaned in both frustration and his own embarrassment. He couldn’t believe he’d been ready and willing to be ravaged right then and there. 

“Of course. Saturday?” Flustered, Hyunwoo scrambled for the phone and picked it up. 

“Saturday.” Kihyun shakily climbed off the desk. 

“H-Hello? Yes, this is Dr Son.....Yes, I am..... No. I wasn’t aware.” He was frowning. 

Kihyun lingered, interested in the conversation. Especially when he saw the concerned expression on Hyunwoo’s face. 

“I see. No, I understand...... I’m sure she had her reasons, yes.” Hyunwoo’s frown deepened. “..... ok. Thank you. Is she communicative?...... right.”

It was driving Kihyun nuts not being able to hear the other end of the conversation. 

“..... I’m not sure, honestly. I will do my best. I’ll get back to you on it.” Hyunwoo scribbled down some notes on a piece of paper. “Thank you for letting me know.” He placed the phone back down on the hook. “Shit...”

“What is it?”

“Remember I said about Minhyuk’s mother legally transferring duty of care?”

“Yeah...”

“She wasn’t discharged from the hospital. She’s been there the whole time. That was her doctor on the phone. He was calling because she’s deteriorating.” Hyunwoo slumped into his chair with his head in his hands on the desk.

Kihyun knew exactly what that meant. A patient who had been hospitalised and had a rapid deterioration to the point where the hospital contacts relatives usually wasn’t heading in a good direction. “Shit. What’s wrong with her? Did she know this was going to happen? Is that why she was transferring legal care? To make sure he’d be looked after?”

“Heart failure. She was apparently suffering with a worsening heart condition for a while. She would have known she wouldn’t have long and probably didn’t want to tell him because it would have been devastating. Especially considering the depression he was suffering. She was admitted with chest pains. She subsequently suffered two severe heart attacks while in the hospital.”

“I can take him to go see her. He should get the chance before it’s too late.” Kihyun volunteered. 

“I think he’ll struggle with going to the hospital. He’s had two very traumatic experiences in hospitals. It’ll be difficult. Perhaps Hoseok should go, too.” Now that he thought about it, Minhyuk’s mother probably hadn’t wanted him to know she was hospitalised to spare him the trauma of visiting. 

“Yeah, good idea...” Kihyun admitted. 

“Will you be here when I tell him? You’re good with him.”

“Of course I will.”

“I’m not really sure what to say to him, though.”

“Just be honest.”

“I hate delivering bad news.” Hyunwoo sighed heavily. 

“You’ll be fine.”

“There’s also a chance he won’t go.” Considering Minhyuk’s previous experiences, it was a definite possibility. 

“You think?”

“Yeah. I read the reports from his admission following his suicide attempt. He was extremely distressed and it sounds like they didn’t treat him with much sensitivity. Actually, it made for pretty heart wrenching reading. If I remember correctly the notes from his admission during his psychotic episode were just as heart wrenching. He’d been quite combative, actually, and injured a nurse. He sprained her wrist when she tried to hold him down, he was probably absolutely terrified at the time and thought she was trying to harm him.”

“I hope he will be able to go. She’s going to die, isn’t. She? He’ll regret it if he doesn’t.”

“It certainly sounds that way, yes. But it’s important his choice is respected if he doesn’t want to go.”

“What will happen to him then? When she’s gone. He doesn’t have anybody else.”

“I will make sure he is ok.” Hyunwoo said with certainty. “I’ll do everything it takes.”

“You care so deeply about all your patients... I’ve seen a lot doctors and nurses who don’t care anymore. Who lose their ability to care and sympathise.”

“If I ever stop caring I will leave this profession.”

“I don’t think that will ever happen.” Kihyun gave a small smile and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Let me know when you’ll tell him and I’ll be here.”

“I was thinking tomorrow morning, so I can mull over how to word things and explain the situation. He has a session with me at 10am.”

“10am it is then. I’ll be here.” It was supposed to be Kihyun’s day off that day, not that he cared. Some things were more important.

“Thank you.”

“By the way... I’ll stay. Guess you guys won’t be getting rid of me after all. Nurse Ahn isn’t getting his hands on my Charge Nurse position. This place would fall apart without me.”

“It really would.”

 

___________________

 

That evening, Hyungwon was sat on his bed, fiddling with the frames of his glasses. He looked up with a startled jump as Minhyuk came bounding in, waving around a bottle of hair conditioner. 

“Hey! Check out what Hoseok gave me after I complained to Dr Son about my hair being dry. Coconut conditioner! I was complaining my hair was dry compared to yours and that I was jealous. Wanna share it? Not that you need it, but then we can smell the same!”

“Oh... ok. Sure.”

“I’m gonna go wash mine now. Hoseok said I could.”

**Ask Hyungwon and Hoseok to guess what type of ice crystal forms sun dogs.**

“C-Can I come?” He set his glasses down on the small table between the two beds. 

“You sure?” Minhyuk’s eyed lit up with excitement. 

“I said I wanted to shower with you again... to get used to it. To try and feel comfortable with myself. So now seems like a good time, I suppose.”

“Great!” Minhyuk grinned. “And you can get dressed now without being under the blankets so you’re doing good!”

“Only when you face the corner, though.” The you get bit his lower lip. 

“Do you really never get undressed for anyone? How do you have sex? Or are you a virgin?”

Hyungwon did a bit of a double take at the question, not sure if he heard him correctly. Then he remembered it was Minhyuk and so such questions we’re entirely within his character. “I’m not a v-virgin but I uh... only had one boyfriend and we.... when we... y’know... I always kept my shirt on. Lights out, if you must know.” Most of the time Hyungwon would just give him a blowjob, letting his then-boyfriend fuck his throat so he wouldn’t have to take anything off. He cringed at the unpleasant memories. 

“Oh, well you’ve still had more boyfriends than me! I don’t really like it when the other person keeps their clothes on during sex, makes me feel powerless and exposed and I don’t normally feel things like that.” He frowned a little. 

“Trust me, he didn’t feel powerless. Just... frustrated. It didn’t last long, anyway. I think your situation sounds like it was different.”

“Those sound like bad memories. I don’t like those. Let’s just go wash our hair, Hm? Shall we do it the same as last time?”

“Yeah but I’ll take off my clothes this time if I can. Just please don’t look.”

“As much as I think you’re pretty, I won’t look. I promise.” By now Minhyuk had developed a pretty good mental map of Hyungwon’s body. Tall and lean, filling out but maybe still a little under weight for his height but not unhealthy.

**Ask him about sun dogs.**

Minhyuk rolled his eyes at the voice. “Hey, do you know what a sun dog is?”

Hyungwon had heard him explain it to Jooheon before but he didn’t want to steal the other’s thunder. “No. What is it?” He feigned ignorance. 

“It’s an atmospheric optical phenomenon, caused by light refraction. They show up as as a bright spot to one or both sides of the Sun! Now, guess what kind or ice crystals cause them.”

“No idea.”

“Plate-shaped hexagonal ice crystals!”

 

———

 

Hoseok lead them to the shower block, Hyungwon had barely reached the shower at the far end before he became very aware of Minhyuk already stripping off and switching on his shower. 

“I’ll slide it across the floor at you!” Minhyuk called and began washing his hair with the shampoo from the dispenser, followed by the coconut conditioner. 

Meanwhile, Hyungwon was taking his sweet time to slowly slip out of his shirt. He hadn’t been so vulnerable around another person like this in a long time. His previous experiences even somewhat put him off ever trusting someone again. But he was willing to take a chance on Minhyuk. 

He looked down as the bottle of conditioner rattled across the floor to come to a stop just in front of him. 

“Got it?” Minhyuk questioned, having tossed it across the floor blindly. 

“Y-Yeah.” He took a deep breath and shakily shed the bottom half of his pyjamas, taking his white cotton boxers along with them one swoop. He kicked them off and placed them up on the wall behind with his shirt and turned on his shower, starting to wash his hair. He focused in on the sound of Minhyuk singing under the running water across the room. It made him smile, despite the uncomfortable situation.

“Hello Bitches! Nanananananananananananana!”

Hyungwon gave a snort of laughter, his self consciousness fading behind amusement. “It’s like being in the shower with CL herself.” 

“I’ll take it as a compliment even though you’re laughing at me!”

“Lee Minhyuk, singer and rapper extraordinaire.” He chuckled. 

“Sake to soju, Nagasaki to Seoul you can find me in Shanghai. You know what them shots of Baijiu do. Got these Asian girls dancing on the couches. Yeah they know me and they singing every word like they was at the karaoke huh!”

“Ok you’re a better singer than you are a rapper.”

Minhyuk laughed at the comment, not actually caring if he sounded good or not because hearing the amusement in Hyungwon’s voice was all that mattered in that moment. “Did you manage to take off your clothes?”

“I did, yeah.” Hyungwon was actually pretty proud of himself for the fact. He bent down and picked up the conditioner, squeezing some out and carefully working it through his hair. He thought about how his dark roots must be showing in his hair by now. He hadn’t looked at himself in a mirror since he arrived in this place. He wondered if he would be able to at least dye it all black so he didn’t look too unkempt, not having the motivation to lighten it again. He didn’t know why he bothered in the first place. Trying to look good was a lost cause.

“You feeling ok about it?”

“Yeah. I probably shouldn’t be proud of myself because it’s a thing normal people can do, but I am.”

“You should be proud because it’s a hard thing for you to do. Who cares about everyone else? It’s your own achievement and I’m proud of you, too.” 

“Thank you... for saying that. And thank you for being so patient with me.” Hyungwon’s mouth felt a little dry. 

“It’s ok, Hyungwon. You don’t have to thank me.”

“You’ve... been really helpful to me since I’ve been here and you don’t know how grateful I am. I don’t think I’d have taken it well if it wasn’t for you. So if there’s anything I can ever do for you, just tell me and I’ll do it. If ever you need help.”

“Hyungwon, you don’t owe me anything.”

The younger tilted his head back to wash the conditioner out of his hair. He took a long deep breath. “Minhyuk, I’m sorry if this isn’t the time or place. Is it weird if I say I like you too? C-Considering we’re... naked.” Because if he didn’t say it now then he probably never would. 

Minhyuk thought over what he’d said. “I don’t understand. Sorry, sometimes I need things explained pretty explicitly.” He didn't want to misunderstand because sometimes he really didn’t get the context of things. 

“Y-you said you liked me earlier today. A-And I didn’t say I like you too because I was kinda taken aback. S-So I’m saying it now because... I mean it.”

Minhyuk gasped like he’d just received a proposal of marriage. “Not weird at all! Makes me wanna kiss you again! Can I? Please?”

“R-Right now?” Hyungwon’s voice came out almost like a squeak. 

“I promise I won’t look at you.”

“O-Ok. How? If you can’t see me.” 

“Turn around to face me and hold out your hand so that I can find you. I don’t mind if you look at me or not. Even if it’s to make sure I’m not looking.”

**But I wanna see. So do you. Spoil sport.**

_“No. I’m not looking. I promised I wouldn’t.”_

Hyungwon took a few deep breaths. This was a lot. Maybe too much, actually. He was already pushing the limits of his own boundaries. Nevertheless, he closed his eyes and slowly turned around, holding his hand out in front of him. “Ok. Ready. My eyes are closed, though. I trust you.” He listened to the sound of careful footsteps drawing closer across the wet tile floor. 

Minhyuk was using the sound of the shower the other stood under as a reference for distance. His steps grew smaller and slower as he reached out a hand to search through the void of empty space. 

Eventually, Hyungwon’s breath was suddenly caught in his throat when he felt fingertips land on the side of his forearm. He thought he’d feel a relief in the tension that had built up in anticipation, but the contact only increased it. There was a pause which felt like forever until he felt Minhyuk’s hand slide slowly up along his arm to guide himself, until it reached his shoulder. The hand paused again and then moved gently across it and up his neck to find his jaw and cup his cheek. Hyungwon was holding his breath the entire time, his skin burning in the wake of the older’s touch, heart feeling like it was lodged in his throat. 

Then the moment came. Hyungwon felt Minhyuk’s lips land on his nose and heard a giggle. 

“Oops. Missed.” Then Minhyuk tried again, this time finding his mouth. This kiss was just as sweet as the one before, but this time it lasted longer. Long enough for Hyungwon to register that it was actually happening this time and lean into it. It was slow and without tongues but Hyungwon had never felt anything quite so intense in his life. He basked in the moment where he didn’t care about being undressed. In fact, the idea that the other was probably only a few inches away and totally naked was thoroughly drowning out his self consciousness in that moment. The world had fallen away and they were the only two people in existence as far as his was concerned. 

He was glad Minhyuk couldn’t see his face though, because he was probably bright red. A tiny part of Hyungwon’s brain told him to reach out and touch. But he didn’t dare, not yet. He wasn’t that bold. He felt Minhyuk’s lips turn into a smile against his own and then they were gone, leaving an emptiness. 

“Should call it quits before I get too excited.” Minhyuk giggled. 

**You’ll be thinking of the warm slide of your hand along his wet naked skin for a while. Imagine how good he looks right now. Imagine how good his skin will look tanned by the sun.**

“M-Me too.” Because Hyungwon was only human. Inexperienced but human all the same. 

“I bet you look so cute right now.” Minhyuk felt a little giddy. “I bet you’re blushing. I think I am, too.” They stood there breathing the same air, lips barely a hair’s breadth away from each other. Neither of them were willing to be the one to pull away. 

**If only you could see.**

_“I don’t want to see because he doesn’t want me to.”_

**You haven’t felt like this about someone before. You’ve kissed a lot of people and been naked with a lot of people but you feel different with him. You want his kisses. Touches. He makes you feel good.**

_“I want to hold onto him forever.”_

Hyungwon suddenly felt an out of character surge of confidence, lost in the deep pool of the moment he was sharing. Nothing else occupied his mind in that moment except for the sensation of Minhyuk’s hand on his face and his warm breath ghosting over his lips. The memory of his touch still tingling along his arm. 

Hyungwon took the initiative to close the space between them again. It was slow and tender again, but became deeper. Became more. Lips sliding against lips, sucking curiously and a few small flicks of cautious tongues. 

Minhyuk felt a feather light touch on his shoulder and quivering fingertips oh so gently glide down along his arm to capture his hand tightly. He gripped back just as tightly, fingers interlocking with Hyungwon’s. 

_“He’s so beautiful that I don’t need to see.”_

**He’s shaking.**

Hyungwon really was shaking and he let out a small breathy noise into their kiss. His legs felt like jelly and his heart was pounding so hard that he could hear his own pulse over the sound of the showers running. 

If Hyungwon ever needed motivation to get better it was currently standing right in front of him, kissing him with eyes closed and holding his hand. 

The thing about being broken was that sometimes there’s a person who’s broken pieces fit with yours. It was the first time in years that Hyungwon felt genuine hope that he could rebuild the pieces of himself and live a life rather than just experiencing an existence. A life put on hold by one moment in time which broke him. 

**This is getting kinda heated. Time to go, otherwise you may pass out and this floor is kinda hard. Death by skull fracture after a kiss. What a way to go. You may even get an erection if you think about him too much. That would be the icing on the cake, wouldn’t it? Such an embarrassing death.**

Minhyuk pulled away a little, just enough to speak. “I’ll leave your towel just inside the door again. ‘Kay?” He couldn’t resist moving his hand from the side of Hyungwon’s face to run through his silky wet hair just for a moment before he moved away. His hand finally slipped from the other’s grasp and wet footsteps moved away. 

Suddenly the room felt cold and empty to Hyungwon, despite the steam and hot water. Hyungwon panicked for a few seconds. He shouldn’t have gone in for that second kiss, should he?

But then—

“I like you a lot, Chae Hyungwon!” That loud tuneful voice from outside the shower room.

Fuck. That was something. A lot of something. 

A whole lot of something that was a whole lot to process. 

But actually, it was something Hyungwon didn’t mind having on his mind. It was far better than the alternatives. If Minhyuk was occupying his brain there was a lot less space for things less pleasant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: How will Minhyuk take the news about his mother? Also, Hyungwon takes a big step. 
> 
> _______
> 
>  
> 
> In other news: The London Monsta X show was amaaaaazing and I was right at the front so got some great pics. They’re on my insta if you wanna see or come on over if you just wanna say hi! IntrovertWanders
> 
> Best concert I’ve ever been to! And getting to high five them all afterwards and see them up close was incredible! Gotta say, next time I go to Korea I’m bringing back a case full of beauty products and makeup because they were absolutely flawless! I’ve never felt so ugly :’D
> 
> In other other news: Off to Northern Pride next weekend so next chapter MAY be a day late, depending of the degree of hangover I’m experiencing ^^;


	7. Cirrostratus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk finds out about his mother and Jooheon is preparing to leave the unit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No major warnings for this one. Only an apology for it being late!

**Cirrostratus clouds are thin, near-transparent, whitish clouds that veil nearly the entire sky. They can cause halos around the sun or moon by refraction of light amongst ice crystals, similarly to the formation of sun dogs- except in a circle rather than just on either side of the sun. Cirrostratus indicate that a large amount of moisture is present in the upper atmosphere.**

 

“I thought today was your day off.” Nurse Ahn looked Kihyun up and down from where he sat at the duty desk. 

“I’m just here this morning. There’s something important I need to see to.” He heard someone mention Dr Son’s name and a chorus of giggles behind him. He rolled his eyes and whipped around. “By the way, I’m no longer transferring. Sorry to burst the bubble but you’re all stuck with me for the foreseeable future.” He said a little curtly, fixing his uniform collar so it sat perfectly. 

“Aw I knew you’d miss us too much!” Hoseok beamed, leaning over the other side of the duty desk. 

“And Dr Son!” Nurse Moon laughed. “I bet you’d have missed him most of all!”

Fuck it. He was in this now. “Actually, yes. I would miss him. Because yes, geniuses, I do like him and he’s taking me out this weekend. I don’t give a single fuck about what you all think. Yes I’m getting fucked by a doctor— actually no, to be accurate, I intend on being fucked by a doctor. I haven’t yet. He’s hot and a wonderful person and if you want to mock me then that’s fine. Mock away, I don’t care anymore.”

There was sea of silence and wide eyes. Kihyun almost regretted his little outburst. But then he was met by cheers and a chorus of “Finally!” And people coming up to pat him on the back and shake his hand like he’d just won some kind of life achievement award. 

“Ah! I’m so proud of you!” Hoseok pulled him into a hug, pulling him backwards half way across the desk. 

“Ow! My back! Yah Hoseok!” He struggled until the muscular orderly finally released him. 

“Wow, I can’t wait to see if on Monday he fucked the frown off your face!” Nurse Ahn barked in laughter. “Seriously though, you deserve happiness.”

“I don’t even frown that much. Why is this a thing for you people? Jeez.” He scowled, disproving his own point and putting his uniform right again after the rough handling. 

“Riiiiight. Just invite me to the wedding because you finally took my advice.” Hoseok beamed. 

 

____________

 

Minhyuk sat nervously in Dr Son’s office. The atmosphere was tense and it made him feel a little sick.

“We have something very serious to talk about today, Minhyuk. That’s why I asked Nurse Yoo to be here.”

**They must know about you and Hyungwon. It isn’t allowed. You won’t see him again now.**

“Yeah?” The room felt foreboding and it made him want to escape. He looked over at the sky out the window, that trapped feeling starting to crawl into his head. He began fiddling with the hem of his shirt to busy his hands. 

“You need to listen because this is very important.” Nurse Yoo rounded the desk and crouched next to him, taking his hand gently. It only made him more nervous. 

“Have I done something wrong?” Minhyuk’s eyes looked over the nurse’s face to search for anger, but there was none. He looked down at their hands, too uncomfortable with the situation to keep looking at his face. 

“No, you haven’t done anything wrong.” Nurse Yoo reassured him. 

“Minhyuk, I’ve been dreading telling you this but I’m afraid your mother is very sick. She’s in the hospital because of her heart.”

Oh. 

_“What does that mean?”_

**She’s going to die. Otherwise they wouldn’t tell you like this.**

Minhyuk’s heart felt like it stopped for a few moments at the voice’s words. 

Dr Son continued, “I... she is very weak. You may not get a chance to see her again, so Nurse Yoo and Hoseok will go with you to the hospital if you want to visit her.”

“I don’t... understand.” Because he didn’t. He didn’t understand what this meant. The doctor’s skirting around definite words left it too open to interpretation. Was she really dying? Or just sick?

“Do you need me to put it in very blunt terms?”

Minhyuk nodded. 

“This may sound harsh but I want to know you fully understand. It is very unlikely he can get better... she’s dying, Minhyuk.”

“I’ll come with you if you want to see her.” The nurse squeezed his hand. 

**I told you so.**

Minhyuk’s body tensed up. “A-At the hospital?” 

“Yes. I know it’ll be hard for you but I—” Nurse Yoo started. 

“No! I can’t. I can’t go there. Please don’t make me go there!” 

**Remember the needles? They strapped you down because you were scared. It made you more scared.**

Panic.

“We won’t make you do anything you don’t want to. It is entirely your choice and you don’t have to decide right now.” Dr Son said calmly, seeing the fear rising and starting to bubble over. 

**Your family will probably be there, too. You can’t go.**

One tear escaped down Minhyuk’s cheek and the. suddenly the flood gates opened, sending a flurry of tears along with it. An overwhelming loneliness and sense of frustration crashing down on him. The one person who was always there for him... she would be gone. He cried into his hands desperately, he felt Nurse Yoo’s arms coming around him, rubbing his back soothingly to try and calm him, and so he clung on. “Minhyuk, it’ll be ok. I promise.” 

**You may as well forget her. She’s basically already dead because you won’t see her.**

“It—it won’t be ok b-because sh-she’s gonna die! I won’t see her ever again!”

“I know it’s hard but things will become better.” Nurse Yoo tried. 

**How? People don’t come back to life. Once they’re dead they’re dead forever.**

“People stay dead.” He sobbed into the nurse’s shoulder. 

“You don’t have to go to the hospital but if you want to see her I promise you’ll be safe there, ok? Hoseok and I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” He tried to reassure him but Minhyuk just cried into him all the more. He’d had patients cry before, more times than he could possibly count. But it never stopped making his heart ache. There was also something particularly heart wrenching about witnessing Minhyuk, who had bounced back so well from such desperate misery, breaking down like this. The universe wasn’t fair.

Throughout his career, people had always said to Kihyun that it must be a hard job to do. It was, they were right. However, they’d always cite the collection of injuries he’d received from scared, confused or violent patients as why it must be difficult. But that wasn’t it. He could deal with that. What made his job hard was moments like this. 

“Th-That why she couldn’t see me?” Minhyuk sniffled once the sobbing calmed enough to allow words out. “She’s been in the hospital?”

“Yeah... we didn’t know what was going on at the time. We only found out yesterday.”

The tears slowed to a steady trickle and a few hiccuped breaths. “I-I can’t go... they won’t want me there anyway...” He said miserably. 

“Who? Who won’t want you there?” Dr Son prompted. 

“My family. They hate me.”

**They blame you.**

“We can arrange for you to be there when they aren’t visiting her.” The doctor suggested. 

“I can’t go! You don’t understand!” He pushed Nurse Yoo away from himself forcefully, sending the smaller man toppling back from where he knelt on the floor.

“Minhyuk. Listen to me.” Nurse Yoo’s voice was stern but soft around the edges as he sat up, rubbing his lower back with a wince. “You won’t be forced to do anything. But if you decide you want to go, we will make sure you’re safe and nobody else will be there if that’s what it takes.”

“I just can’t do it...” Minhyuk curled in on himself, voice so small and pitiful. 

**Would that make you be a bad son? Because she was always there... now you aren’t.**

“Don’t say things like that. I don’t like it when you’re like this.” Minhyuk answered aloud, hand coming up to his forehead just above his right eye. This was too much. All of it. He needed to get out, he didn’t know where. Just out. Out of everything. Out of the room, out of his own brain. 

“If you can’t go, we’ll work something out. Not feeling able to visit the hospital is understandable, considering what you went though. I promise I’ll do everything I can for you, Minhyuk.” Dr Son said in his steady voice. 

“I want to go to my room.”

“Ok, that’s fine. This is a lot, right?” Nurse Yoo held out a hand to him. “Just know, you aren’t alone. We’ll all work through this together. Ok?”

**This is why he’s my favourite. He’s understanding and compassionate. Like her.**

 

________________

 

 

“Where’s Min?” 

Hyungwon looked up from his book to see Jooheon standing in front of him. “Oh I’m not really sure. He had a session this morning but I haven’t seen him since he left for it.”

“I hope everything’s ok.” Jooheon pouted a little without realising, sitting himself next to Hyungwon. 

“I’m sure it’s fine.” He set the book aside, deciding to try and be a little more sociable. “How are you feeling about leaving? You must be excited, right?” The older tried, doing his best to make conversation. Trying not to withdraw on himself. 

“Excited but also kinda nervous. I’m moving away from all the negative influences at home so I’m feeling positive overall.”

“Will you see your family?” 

“No... I’m an inconvenience to them, anyway. Will you see yours when you leave?”

“I don’t know... I don’t think my grandparents want me around. I’m an inconvenience, too. I’ve survived on my own before, I can do it again. I kinda get the feeling they’ve washed their hands of me, anyway. I do t really blame them. I was just kinda landed on them, they didn’t sign up to have to deal with me.”

“So you have nobody else other than your grandparents?”

“My mother is dead... my dad— my dad isn’t around, either.” Hyungwon bit at his lower lip. He couldn’t go there. 

“You’ll be fine. So will Min. When I first got here I could barely have a conversation with him without my head spinning. He’d say one sentence and then babble out something else completely unrelated and wonder why I couldn’t keep up.” The younger chuckled. 

“He does kinda make my head spin sometimes.” A small smile tugged at Hyungwon’s lips. 

“So what do you think you’ll do when you leave?”

“Hopefully find a nice quiet job without many people around. Try to not have another breakdown. What more could a person want?” He joked a little bitterly. 

“I was worried about you adjusting when you first got here. You looked like you wanted to disappear but you’ve come out of your shell a lot. You’re sitting here talking to me, for one.”

“I just felt like a failure for being sent here. I still do.”

“Why?”

Hyungwon chewed on his lip for a few moments while he chose his words. “Before this I had managed to keep my shit together. I struggled my way through finishing school and going on to study at a good university. I just about dragged myself over that finish line, too. With good grades, too. I held down a job, not one that used my degree but still a job that paid the bills, and lived alone. Had a boyfriend for a time, too.” On the surface he probably seemed mostly normal. Especially to people who didn’t know him. “But one day things started falling apart. Or rather, _I_ started falling apart.” And it had felt like he’d wasted all the years, effort and mental energy he’d put into being a functional person. 

“I think there is only so much hardship someone can be expected to endure. It’s ok to need help and not be ok, Hyungwon. You aren’t a failure. Think of your achievements, you just said so yourself that you managed to struggle through and achieved a lot. You sound really strong.”

“It’s easier to be good at studying when you don’t have friends to distract you. Besides, I loved reading, still do. It was a good escape for me. So maybe the achievement isn’t that great.”

“You put yourself down a lot, huh?” Jooheon sighed. “I was so bad at school. Hated being told what to do. Always had a bit of a problem with authority.” Jooheon chuckled. “I wasn’t really interested in studying. I was too busy wanting to be a famous rapper.”

“Maybe you should give Minhyuk some lessons. He was trying to be CL the other day.”

“He talks so fast already, he’d make a good rapper!” Jooheon laughed. 

“And he wouldn’t even need a microphone. He’s loud enough as it is.” Hyungwon giggled into his hand. 

“Wow your laugh is so cute. No wonder he likes you, man.”

That made Hyungwon blush. He was quite self conscious about his laugh. 

“And before you start denying it and putting yourself down again, don’t. He really likes you a lot, y’know.” Jooheon smiled warmly. 

“I really like him, too. But I’m not sure where we stand. Not sure on what rules apply to our situation. Considering his... issues. And mine. And the fact we’re here.”

“You’re both lucid and you’re both adults. Trust me, he knows exactly what he’s doing, if that’s what you’re worried about. I don’t see why things have to be complicated. Life doesn’t throw many good things our way, so enjoy them when they come. That’s probably the biggest thing I’ve learned here. Take what fate gives you and don’t worry about why it was given to you or whatever. Just take it and run.” Something about how sure Jooheon sound struck a cord with Hyungwon. 

But doubt had a permanent home in the corner of his mind. “But we... we won’t both be in here together forever.”

“So cross that bridge when you get to it. You look anxious all the time and I can relate. Worrying constantly about everything. Do yourself a favour and just let this one thing happen without worrying about the present or the future.” Jooheon said simply. 

“Easier said than done.”

“I know. Would there not be room in your life with your quiet job for Minhyuk? At least in some capacity?”

 

__________________

 

Minhyuk lay on his bed, staring up at the plain white ceiling. 

**They said you should be able to handle needles if you could stomach killing yourself.**

“The stuff in my arm hurt so much, though. I was so scared but they didn’t care.”

**We can’t trust them. But she will die without you seeing her if you don’t go.**

“She can’t die.”

**She will die. You will die. Jooheon will die. Hoseok will die. Nurse Yoo will die. Dr Son will die. Hyungwon will die. All the people you like will die. So will the people you don’t like. Death happens to all things that live. Nobody can outrun or outsmart it.**

“Stop saying it. Please!” He called out loud. Just at that moment, Hyungwon was retuning to their room. The tall young man almost jumped out of his own skin at the sudden yell. 

“Oh! Sorry Hyungwon! I wasn’t yelling at you. Promise!” He sat up quickly.

“You ok? You look upset.” He looked over the older’s face. Cheeks streaked with tears and eyes wide and reddened. 

“Oh. Yeah, I just didn’t feel too good after my session this morning. I was frustrated with myself. I’m ok now, though.” He smiled in reassurance. 

**Why aren’t you being honest?**

_“Because I don’t want him to worry about me. I don’t want him to be sad.”_

“Jooheon was asking after you.” Something wasn’t right, there was something forced about Minhyuk’s smile. 

“Oh yeah I shouldn’t have spent the day in here. I should be making the most if seeing him! He’ll think I don’t care.” 

**You’re losing everyone but you still have Hyungwon for now.**

“It’s ok, he doesn’t think you don’t care. You can see him tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah...” Minhyuk looked down at his hands. “Hyungwon? Can you hold me? Please?”

Hyungwon blinked at the request, processing it. “Uh, of course. Are you sure you’re ok?”

_“No”_

**No**

“Yeah.” He held his arms out to him. “But I really missed you today.”

“I’ll stop asking but... it’s ok to not be ok.” Jooheon’s words had resonated enough with him to pass them on. He crawled onto the bed and up Minhyuk’s body into his waiting arms. Something about the older seemed so vulnerable today. 

Hyungwon pushed his weight against him gently until they were both laid down, wrapped around each other with the younger’s lighter frame half laying on top. 

“I can still smell the coconut in your hair.” Hyungwon murmured absently. 

“You too. We match.” 

“Hey... what is it about weather that makes you so interested?” Hyungwon figured talking about something he liked might brighten the other’s mood. “I was meaning to ask.”

“I dunno, I used to watch the weather channel a lot as a kid.” It was on 24/7 and drowned out the sound of arguments. Arguments about him. “And earth science was the only class I really liked in school. The teacher I had would always talk and show videos of things and I didn’t have to read or write so I could focus better.” And that was the only teacher who didn’t stand for the other kids arguing over who didn’t have to sit near Minhyuk. 

“You struggle reading?”

“Yeah. I wish i was better at it. There’s a book here about weather systems that I really want to read but I get half way down the first page and lose my concentration. So when I was learning, the other kids were so far ahead of me that I got left behind. It makes people think I’m stupid.”

“I don’t think you’re. Would you like me to read it to you sometime?”

“Really? You’d do that for me?”

“Yeah. I’ve been reading it anyway. You seem like you already know everything anyway, though.” Hyungwon smiled.

“I’ve probably seen every weather documentary ever made. So yeah. I probably do already know. But I’d like to hear it. Especially from you.”

“Then I’ll read it to you. Or any other book you like.”

Minhyuk moved his head back a little so he could see Hyungwon’s face a little better. A moment which felt both light and heavy passed through. “You’re so beautiful, Hyungwon”

“No I—”

“Don’t say it. I don’t like it.”

“Sorry...

“I really wanna touch your skin. Can I put my hands on your back? Or your sides? Like, under your clothes. It’s not like a weird sexual thing, I promise. I just want the comfort. I’m sorry I’m so weird.” He pressed his face into Hyungwon’s shirt in embarrassment.

Just the lower back would be ok, right? “Yeah... b-but please not too far up. I don’t want you to be able to feel my ribs poking out.”

The younger’s insistence on how apparently ugly he was reminded Minhyuk of when he was experiencing visual hallucinations and now he had to be reminded what he saw wasn’t reality. “The image you must have of yourself isn’t what I see or feel but ok, I promise I won’t touch you there.” He murmured and let his hands slip up under Hyungwon’s shirt. He felt the other’s breath stop for a moment as his hands moved and came to rest at the small of his back.

The bare skin felt warm and smooth under Minhyuk’s fingertips. Tender and comforting. It felt safe and gentle, like being wrapped up in the softest cotton and rocked gently under late summer skies. It made everything else go away. Let him get away from the storm of emotions. 

He realised he was holding his breath, too. “Is this ok with you?” He let it out slowly with each word.

“Yes.” Hyungwon finally breathed. Because it was. It was more than ok. It felt nice because he trusted that Minhyuk’s hands wouldn’t wander elsewhere. Not without express permission. Touches had never felt so comfortable. 

“I’m tired...”

“So sleep. I’ve got you.” Hyungwon knew something was wrong. Whatever it was, he wanted to chase it away. 

 

__________________

__________________

 

The following morning, Kihyun was in Hyunwoo’s office early. 

“I honestly don’t think he’s going to go to that hospital.” The doctor sighed. 

“But he’s gonna regret it.”

“It doesn’t sound like anything is imminent, though. He probably has time to change his mind. I had a very frank conversation with her doctor. He’s agreed to organise a phone conversation this afternoon, I think that’ll be good for Minhyuk because at least then he would get to speak to her. You’re right that he’ll regret not seeing her but I also don’t want him to feel pressured. He probably has a degree of post traumatic stress. Extremely negative association at the very least. Pushing himself could easily make it worse.”

“Here I was worried about how he’ll take Jooheon leaving. Now this.” Kihyun sat on the desk. He never sat in the chair, meant for patients. It made him feel far too analysed. 

“We will do our best. At least he has Hyungwon as a friend, right? They seem close now.” 

“It’s quite cute, actually. I have to admit I had my doubts but you were right to room them together.”

“See? Just gotta trust me.” Hyunwoo smiled. 

“Yes, Doctor.” Kihyun grinned and nudged his knee with his foot. 

“Now, not that I’m kicking you out but I have a meeting with the parents of a potential new resident in ten minutes.”

“Oh? Any details?”

“He’s twenty three and already got a thick file, I spent most of last night reading through all his records community services provided me.”

“Don’t work too much. You still need sleep, you’re only human.” Kihyun hopped off the desk. “I’ll bring you a coffee when I take my break.”

“Could you also be free at 3pm? Hopefully that’s when Minhyuk will be able to speak with his mother.”

“Of course.”

 

______________

 

Minhyuk was nervous when Dr Son suggested the phone call. He hated talking on the phone. It made him feel uncomfortable because he didn’t have visual import to judge if he was saying the right things. 

But this was his mother. The person with whom he felt most comfortable. 

He starred at the phone held out by the doctor for a long moment, as if he was trying to work out whether it was going to bite him. 

“Minhyuk?” Nurse Yoo said carefully. 

“I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“I don’t know.”

**Scared of the truth. That you’ll never see her again and this could be the last time you hear her voice.**

“It’s ok. Take your time.”

Slowly, Minhyuk reached out and took the phone, holding it to his ear. Over the line he heard the steady bleep of monitors. “H-Hello?” An uncomfortable knot formed in his throat as he waited for a response. 

“Hello my baby, I’m sorry I couldn’t come to visit you. How are you?” She didn’t sound like herself. Her bright chirpy voice was tired and weak. 

“I...” Minhyuk sniffled, trying to keep himself from bursting into tears. “I’m sad because you’re apologising for being sick. W-When I can’t come to visit you. I’m such a horrible son I’m so sorry!”

“Minnie-moon. Listen to me, it’s ok. Please don’t be sad. I’m so proud of you. You don’t like speaking on the phone but here you are. Tell me something nice that’s happened to you lately.” She knew exactly what to say. How to turn his mood on a dime. 

“Hyungwon said he’d read to me! And we kis—” Oops, he shouldn’t say that in front of Dr Son and Nurse Yoo. “We cuddle!”

Kihyun didn’t miss that and raised a brow suspiciously. 

“Oh? Who’s Hyungwon?” She sounded breathless. Like all her energy was going into talking. The bleeding in the background had sped up. 

“Hyungwon is my roommate. He’s so sweet but he’s shy and doesn’t believe me when I say he’s handsome. He’s my age. Just a little younger. He’s really pretty and you’d really like him. I was sad last night and he made me feel better.” He couldn’t say too much.

“You sound happy talking about him, I’m glad. I’m sure I would like him.”

“It’s different to Jooheon. Everything feels different. But in a good way.”

“How is Jooheon?”

“Sad he didn’t get cookies. He’s leaving soon so he can make his own. I’ll miss him but he promised to visit.” The ones she’d made for Jooheon had been cut into perfect circles. 

“Good, send him my apologies.” She laughed weakly. “How’s the weather there?”

“Cold, finally. The skies are completely clear and barometric pressure is high. We’ll have clear skies for a few days.”

“Are you excited for winter?” Her responses were taking longer to come and there was an extra sound dinging in the background. 

“Yes!”

“I’m sorry about this Minnie-moon but the doctor’s telling me I have to go now.”

“Please don’t...”

“I will speak to you again.”

“Promise?” His voice cracked. 

“I can’t promise but I’ll speak to you every day while I can.”

“Ok...”

“And you can tell me more about Hyungwon.”

“Ok!”

“I know you must be feeling lost right now but I know you’ll be ok. I love you to the moon and all the way back.” She took a moment to catch her breath. It sounded laboured. “Love lasts forever. It doesn’t die. You’ll always have my love. Understand?”

“I love you, too. Why do you have to leave? It isn’t fair. Why do people have to die?”

“I’m not leaving. Only my body is leaving.” The line clicked off abruptly. 

_“Love doesn’t die...”_

He put the phone down on the desk shakily.

“What are you feeling?” Dr Son asked. 

“Sad but less sad. Happy I spoke to her. I hope I can speak to her tomorrow, too. Can I be alone if I do?”

“Yes, If that’s what you want. We can give you privacy.”

“She really would like Hyungwon.” Minhyuk smiled at the thought. She would probably try to feed him up and fuss over him. 

A small choked off sound filled the relative silence of the room and Minhyuk looked over to Nurse Yoo, he was standing at the window. He was facing away from Minhyuk but he could tell his hand was covering his face. “Nurse Yoo?”

A shaky breath. “Yes?” He didn’t turn around. 

“Are you crying?”

“... Yes. But don’t worry about me. I’m ok. I just cry sometimes. Like anyone else.”

“I’ll make sure he’s ok, Minhyuk. Just leave it to me. Ok?” Dr Son smiled and looked over at the nurse with a warmth in his eyes. 

 

________________

 

It was starting to get dark out and Hyungwon was watching Minhyuk running around shooting hoops on his own. It tugged right at Hyungwon’s heart strings. 

Minhyk had still been a little off in the morning and was strangely quiet at lunch. He’d gone to Dr Son’s office that afternoon and returned a lot more chipper, even though he looked like he’d been crying again. 

Jooheon was busy with the community based team, getting the final things organised and agreed before he’d be leaving. Seeing Minhyuk without him was a sad vision of things to come. Soon there would be nobody to run around outside with him. 

If he wasn’t so fucking useless he could go out there. Maybe he could, the weather had suddenly turned cold, there wouldn’t be any insects flying around and it was only Minhyuk out there. Nothing bad would happen, right?

His chest clenched a little. 

He could go out. He’d done it before. He’d done it to come here. He’d forced himself to go out for years. And he’d survived. 

He took some steady breaths, trying to build himself up. But then he saw Minhyuk suddenly stop frozen to the spot before dropping to his knees, head in his hands and looking obviously upset.

Hyungwon automatically stood, feet carrying him all the way to the doors before stopping dead at the threshold. He could hear Minhyuk’s choked off sobs from here. “Minhyuk? Are you ok?” He called. 

When there was no response, Hyungwon bit his lip and braced himself. He cautiously stepped out into the cool air. It seemed to take a hundred years to cross the short distance to the other side of the courtyard. 

“I’m so sorry! I’m so so sorry!” Minhyuk wailed between his tears. 

“Minhyuk? What’s wrong?” He managed when he got close enough to place a shaking hand on the other’s shoulder. He felt exposed and at risk of something he couldn’t even explain. 

“I killed it” Minhyuk hiccuped. 

The younger looked down and saw what he must have been apologising to. A smooshed snail. He was crying because of that? “The... snail?”

Minhyuk nodded and wiped his tears with his sleeve, guilt all over his face.

“It’s only a snail, Minhyuk...” Hyungwon knelt down next to him and placed a tentative arm around his shoulders.

“So? Imagine y-you’re just chilling, minding your own business. When suddenly a giant steps on your house, collapsing it around you and killing you in the rubble.” He sounded so heartbroken.

**Eviscerated in the walls of your own home.**

What could Hyungwon even say to that? “But it was an accident. You didn't mean to do it.”

“Do you think it was at least a quick death?” Minhyuk’s emotions were so raw and unstable from the last two days and the looming reality that he’d lose his mother and was about to lose his friend. 

“I... don't think they can feel pain. Like their nervous systems aren’t sophisticated enough for it. They aren’t even self aware. They don’t know they exist.”

“Really?” Minhyuk blinked up at him, eyes red from crying. What must it be like to be unaware of your own existence?

“Yeah. I remember reading about it once.” He’d once tried to read up on insects and their anatomy. Hoping knowledge would help his phobia. But alas, not no avail. At least he’d managed to spend some quality time in the library. 

Hyungwon could see the moment on Minhyuk’s face when something in his mind clicked. “You’re outside.”

“Yeah... and I’d really like to go back in pretty soon.” He was very aware of every sensation on his skin. Every shift of his clothes, every hair being tickled by the cold light breeze. 

“Why did you come out if you’re scared?”

“I thought you might be hurt. I wanted to make sure you’re ok.”

“You came out for me? Even though you don’t like it.”

He did. And he’d do it again. “Yeah...”

“Shall we go inside? You can read that book to me!” The older smiled and took both of Hyungwon’s hands as he stood. “In fact, let’s take it back to our room and I can cuddle you. Maybe you’ll let me kiss you?” He began leading the younger back inside, still holding onto both his hands. 

“This your version of Netflix and chill?” Hyungwon joked, a little drunk on the noradrenaline sill filling his blood from being outside like that. 

“That’s a euphemism for having sex, right? No, I’m not gonna try and have sex with you.” Minhyuk looked almost offended. 

“I was kidding, I don’t expect that you would want to do that with me, anyway.” Now he was nervous for a whole different reason. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see you naked and be able to feel every inch of your skin on mine. I’d love to know what it’s like to feel you gasp into my mouth, to taste you and hear you moan so sweetly. To see you glowing so beautifully. But I’d never want to make you uncomfortable. You don’t like being seen or touched so I’d never try to do anything like that. I’d be afraid that you’d let me even if you didn’t want it and you won’t like it.”

**You know what that feels like. Even when you were crying you said it was ok when it wasn’t.**

“I...” Hyungwon could feel himself turning red. It was probably the only time he’d heard someone make sex sound almost appealing. Sometimes he hated that he couldn’t just let go and be like normal people. Sex was supposed to feel amazing but he never found it pleasurable. He’d either be a trembling ball of nerves and kill the mood or he’d just close his eyes and try to make his brain leave his body until it was over. “You’re right, I couldn’t do things like that. Not right now, anyway.” 

“I know. It’s not a problem. So no, not Netflix and chill. Book and cuddling. I spoke to my mother today and I wanna tell her about you more and about how much I love cuddling you, not very wholesome if we did have sex.” He giggled. 

**”Oh hello, it’s your darling Minnie-moon. Hyungwon is so cute when he’s all spread out on the bed while I ride his dick. Boy, you should hear him moan.” That would be an amazing conversation.**

_“Don’t be crude.”_

**You’re crude, too. You can’t lie to me. You almost touched yourself thinking about him while he slept next to you. Dirty boy.**

_“Sshh!”_

**What is he to you?**

_“Someone I care for a lot. Someone who makes my heart beat.”_

**What are you to him?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: The winter draws in. The time for goodbyes comes and a new resident comes to the unit.  
> (Also: Just between you and me, there’s some intimacy in the next chapter!)  
> ____
> 
> In other news: I AM SO SORRY! I apologise this chapter was late! I’ve been at Northern Pride festival all weekend and didn’t have any time for proofing (doesn’t help my iCloud decided to stop backing up). Partied a bit hard over the last few days so was kinda too hungover to face looking at a screen on Monday haha please forgive me! (Boy did it make for a rough flight home haha)


	8. Nimbostratus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk has to say goodbye to Jooheon but a new resident joins the unit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, as promised things get a little frisky! ;D Copious amounts of kissing.  
> Sorry this turned out to be quite long at 6000+ words!

**Nimbostratus. These clouds cover the sky in a dark grey layer. They can extend from the low and middle layers of the atmosphere. These are common rainclouds and are seen when rain or snow is forecast over a large area. Found extending over the low and middle layers of the atmosphere.**

 

“We’ll be right outside if you need anything. We won’t listen in, I promise.” Dr Son assured Minhyuk as he passed over the phone. 

“Ok. Thanks!” His mood had improved a lot that day. He’d been fidgeting with excitement all morning at the idea of taking to his mother again. Dr Son and Nurse Yoo filtered out of the room, closing the office door behind them and leaving him alone with the phone. 

He brought it to his ear. “Hello?” 

“Hello my Minnie-moon. How are you today?” She still sounded exhausted, but no worse than the day before. 

“I’m good because I get to speak to you and tell you about Hyungwon properly.” Minhyuk beamed and got up from his seat, clambering over the desk to plonk himself down in Dr Son’s more comfortable chair. 

“Oh yes that’s right, I’m curious to hear about him.”

Minhyuk span around in the chair as much as the phone cord would allow. “I really like him. So much my heart hurts when I look at him and he’s sleeping peacefully. It makes me sad sometimes because he doesn’t believe that he’s amazing. I don’t know how to make him believe it.”

“Sometimes people find it hard to see in themselves what others see. It can take time. You sound head over heels for him so he must be special.” There was a slight whistle of a wheeze in her breaths. 

“He said he liked me, too. He doesn’t like being touched but he lets me kiss him and he said he likes it. I’d never ever do anything he doesn’t want.” He peered into the drawers of the desk, finding a bag of fruity candies in one and helping himself to one. 

“I know you wouldn’t, darling.”

“I want him to be happy. Want him to sleep every night without nightmares. He’s scared of going outside but he came out because I was upset I killed a snail. We sleep in the same bed and it’s so calming that I sleep so much better. I adore him so much that I don’t know what to do with all my feelings. I don’t really know how to get them out.”

“Love is a complicated and precious thing.”

“Is that that this is?”

“You certainly sound like someone in love.” She laughed lightly. “It makes me happy to think you have someone you can care about in that way and who cares about you, too.”

“I’d do anything for him but maybe I’m too weird. He probably deserves better.” He slumped down in the chair. 

“You’re perfect, Minnie. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You’re different but you’re you. Unique and special.”

“I wish you could meet him. He doesn’t have a mother. She’s dead. It sounds like he misses her a lot. He said she loved him too much.” He paused. “Do you ever wish I was born normal?”

“That’s a hard question, Minnie-moon. I love you to pieces just the way you are. The only reason I’d ever wish for you to have been born differently is because I’d have done anything to spare you the pain you’ve had in your life because of this. But never for myself. I love you no matter what and you’re such a good son.” She explained. 

“Thank you...” God, how he wanted to see her. 

 

———

 

Outside, Dr Son and Nurse Yoo stood anxiously in the corridor. 

“It’s kind of intimidating standing out here, isn’t it? Maybe I should get a fish tank.” Hyunwoo joked. 

“I’d end up being the one to feed them and clean the damn thing.” Kihyun rolled his eyes but there was a small smile on his lips. 

“What time should I pick you up tomorrow? Or are we not allowed to discuss it in work hours?”

“Everyone knows so I guess it doesn’t matter. Whatever time you like, you won’t tell me where you’re taking me.”

“6:30pm ok?”

“Sure. At least give me a hint of what I should wear.”

“Hmmm... well there is a dress code, actually. You have to wear a purple jumpsuit, diving flippers, a shoe on each hand and the darkest sunglasses you own.”

Kihyun looked at him as if he was trying to work out if he was kidding or not. When one works as a mental health nurse you can never be too careful. 

“I’m obviously joking.” Hyunwoo laughed. “Just something casual is probably fine.”

“For all I know you have some weird fetish.” The younger shrugged and folded his arms. “So if it’s casual I assume you’re not taking me to a fancy restaurant. How disappointing.”

Hyunwoo suddenly looked worried. “Is that what you want? We can, if you like. Sorry, I—”

“That was me kidding this time. Don’t worry. I don’t expect you to take me to expensive places. Even though you drive a Porsche. Now, are we talking t-shirt or button up shirt kind of thing?”

“Hmm either, I guess.”

“It’ll be easier if you tell me where we’re going.” That way he could plan accordingly. 

“I’m being spontaneous. Which is code for I don’t actually know because I keep changing my mind.” Hyunwoo admitted shyly. 

“Ok, so how about I tell you what I’m gonna wear and you can take me to the place I won’t look under or overdressed?”

“Alright then.”

“I’ll be wearing black skinny jeans, ankle boots because the ground might by frosty, a deep purple button up shirt and a black jacket that will be warm enough for walking short distances but not warm enough to stay outside for long.” Because those jeans made his legs look longer and the shirt was a silky material that hugged his frame in all the right places. The jacket was for purely practical reasons. He’d also be using his expensive body lotion and breaking out the razor for the occasion. 

“Can’t wait.”

“I also won’t be wearing gloves so you might have to keep my hands warm.” Kihyun smirked.

“I like it when you flirt with me in work.”

 

__________________

 

Minhyuk’s mood stayed pretty high for the next few days as he continued his daily calls to his mother, though he was possibly not thinking about how the conversations grew ever shorter. 

On Jooheon’s last day he spent almost the entire time clinging to the younger’s back. Even during meals. 

But when it was time to say goodbye, the tears came. That creeping, hollow sense of loneliness burrowing in.

“It’s ok, Min. I won’t be going far so I’ll come and visit you.” Jooheon hugged Minhyuk tightly as the other clung on.

“I’m gonna miss you so much, Honey!” He sobbed. “I don’t want you to leave. I’m so selfish. But I’m also happy you’re leaving because it’s gonna be a new and better life for you.”

“I’m gonna miss you, too. But it’s ok. Like I said, I’ll see you again anyway. When you leave, too. And Hyungwon.”

“You aren’t lying, are you?”

“I’d never lie to you, Minhyuk. Never. Understand?”

Minhyuk nodded through the tears. 

“I hope your mother gets better soon.” He’d told Jooheon she was in hospital, but not the full truth of the situation. 

“I miss you already.” The older sniffled as he finally released his friend. 

“Take good care of Hyungwon.”

“I will!”

“Sorry guys, time to go.” The orderly called from the door. 

“Give Hyungwon time and I think you’ll have a new basketball partner. You’ll be able to beat him without cheating.” The younger laughed. 

“I don’t cheat!” He did. “Oh! I keep stealing these from Dr Son’s office. Made me think of when Hoseok kept giving us candies every time we beat him shooting hoops until Nurse Yoo yelled at him for it.” He took a small handful of wrapped fruity candies from his pocket and handed them over to Jooheon. 

The younger took them and smiled. “There’s eight. I’ll take them but I promise I won’t eat them without you. We’ll share them when I see you next. Deal?” Eight was Jooheon’s favourite number. A square had four corners and four sides. Four plus four was eight. 

“Four for me and four for you.” Minhyuk beamed. 

“C’mon, hurry it up.” The orderly raised his voice.

**Fuck off, will you? Can’t you see these two are having a moment? I always hated this guy.**

“Bye...” Jooheon gave him a final hug before being walked out.

**Are you ok?**

_“I will be. I’ll see him again.”_

**You still have Hyungwon.**

_“I do.”_

**He’s even more precious now.**

_“He’s precious anyway.”_

**Do you love him?**

_“You know the answer just as much as I do. You live in my head, after all.”_

 

______________  
______________

 

A few days later, when Minhyuk arrived late to group therapy after talking to his mother, there was a new face sitting in the circle. He was young, maybe barely out of his teens. The way he sat, looking like he was trying to become invisible, reminded him of Hyungwon when he first arrived. 

“Come sit, Minhyuk. Let’s begin.” The counsellor motioned to the empty seat next to Hyungwon. “We have a new resident so let’s introduce ourselves. Remember you can all say as much or as little as you like.”

Hyungwon looked over that the young man, remembering exactly how it felt to be in his position. When introductions came around to Minhyuk he felt that familiar jolt of anxiety that it was about to be his turn. 

“Lee Minhyuk. I miss my best friend still but I’m feeling good today. Favourite weather is snow and I’ve been sleeping good the last few nights. The window in Dr Son’s office doesn’t open because he lost the key.” Everything came out a little disjointed because he was never really sure what to say during these introductions. So generally everything that was in his head tended to tumblr out until he stopped himself. 

“Uh, Chae Hyungwon.” He was still painfully anxious during these sessions and rarely spoke. 

“Im Changkyun. I... I shouldn’t be here. It wasn’t me. I don’t deserve to be here. I’m just... really scared.” The kid looked like he was fighting back tears and it made Hyungwon’s heart clench with sympathy. 

Changkyun didn’t say anything else throughout the session. He looked like if he tried to speak anyway he’d end up just bursting into tears. 

After it finished and were ushered out, the new resident made a beeline for the far corner of the room and stood there awkwardly. 

Hyungwon bit his lower lip, watching. “I’m gonna go introduce myself to him.”

“Yeah let’s go. He can be our new friend. Not that Jooheon can be replaced.” Minhyuk bounded over, holding onto Hyungwon’s hand and dragging him along. “Hey Changkyun!” Ah, That too-loud voice. 

“Hey. Sorry, you can tell us to go away if you don’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to say hi properly.” Hyungwon smiled shyly. 

**We have to establish two things. Can he play basketball and what’s his favourite kind of weather.**

“Can you play basketball and what’s your favourite kind of weather?” The older blurted out. 

Changkyun looked worriedly between the pair, gravitating slightly toward Hyungwon.

“Sorry, Minhyuk’s just excited to meet you.”

Minhyuk’s usual confidence suddenly deflated. _“I’m scaring him like I scared Hyungwon at first. Maybe Hyungwon is more suited to this...”_

“I’m gonna go outside.” Minhyuk said suddenly and pouted a little, feeling kinda bad. 

**You’re sad now.**

_“I’m not very good with people, am I? Hyungwon said he was scared of me at first. I don’t want people to be scared of me.”_

**He was scared of everything. He wasn’t scared when you told him about me. Things like this don’t usually get you so down, the kid is just nervous.**

“Oh, ok I’ll see you soon, then?” Hyungwon blinked, confused as the other disappeared after dipping his head.

“So uh... yeah I know it’s really terrifying being here but I promise it’s fine.”

“Sorry. I’m just kinda freaked out about the whole thing right now. What was your name again? I wasn’t really paying attention before, too busy freaking out.”

“It’s Hyungwon. And that was Minhyuk. He’s kinda in-your-face but he’s really sweet and nice.” He bit his lip again nervously and sat down in his usual spot in the corner, letting the new kid follow and sit next to him. “I was really scared when I got here, too.”

“You seem pretty... uh... normal? Is it offensive for me to say that?”

“Probably the first time someone’s called me that.” Hyungwon chuckled a little. “I get really bad anxiety. I have PTSD. I was kinda a mess before I got here. Still am a mess, really.” It was getting easier to talk about, though. 

Changkyun sniffled, tears starting to build up again. “I’m sorry.”

Hyungwon placed a hand on his shoulder. The moment he did, Changkyun leaned right into it, letting his tears fall.

“It’s ok.” Hyungwon tried to reassure him, putting an arm carefully around the young man and letting him cry against his shoulder. “It’s ok to cry. Sometimes you have to. It’s good to let it out.”

Minhyuk could see the pair from outside. He looked away with a strange feeling he hadn’t really felt before. 

**You’re jealous.**

_“No I’m not.”_

**You are.**

_“Ok. Maybe I am.”_

**Get in there and claim back your man.**

_“I’m not sure I can call him mine.”_

**But you want to. You think you love him.**

_“I don’t think it’s just that. I think I’m jealous because I can’t go over there. I can only look on. I’d only ruin it.”_

**You’re withdrawing in on yourself. You’ve been happy the last few days but randomly sad. You should tell Dr Son your moods are unstable.**

 

 

______________

 

 

“I didn’t see much of you this afternoon.” Hyungwon sat on his bed that evening. 

“I thought it would be better if you hang out with Changkyun without me. I didn’t want to scare him.”

“He was just nervous. You said you were scared too when you came here. Right?”

“Yeah. But you were scared of me at first, too.”

“Yes but most of my life is comprised entirely of fear.” 

Minhyuk dwelled on the words for a moment. He wasn’t sure how to respond. He was a little tired. “Hmmm the heating is up too high. I’m gonna take off my pyjamas and just wear boxers and t-shirt if that’s ok.”

“Oh. Yeah of course.” He nodded and watched Minhyuk remove his unnecessary layers before joining Hyungwon on the bed like it was the most natural thing in the world. Probably because it had become so natural for them. 

Of course, Hyungwon noticed Minhyuk’s firm shapely thighs. So gorgeous. So perfect. Why couldn’t he look like that? “You’re gorgeous.” Hyungwon spoke without thinking. It was nice, actually. To feel comfortable enough with someone that not every breath had to be considered. 

“Can I kiss you?” Minhyuk moved to hover over him, cupping his cheek with one hand and supporting himself with the other. 

Hyungwon’s heart thudded in his chest. “Are you going to ask me every time?”

“Yep.” That gentle smile. 

“Then yes.” Hyungwon smiled back. 

Minhyuk leaned over and kissed his lips tenderly in a long lingering moment. They parted for only a brief second before their lips came back together with more fervour, Hyungwon’s hand tangling in the other’s hair gently. 

“Your lips taste of candy.” Hyungwon murmured absently after a tiny experimental lick to Minhyuk’s lower lip. 

“Yours taste of mint.” Minhyuk giggled and lowered his body a little until they were almost flush together. He peppered a few kisses and kitten licks along Hyungwon’s jawline. “Your skin tastes so good.”

The feeling of lips and tongue against an especially sensitive area near his ear caused a small groan to escape the younger’s lips, only spurring Minhyuk on further. He kissed over the other’s mouth again, wanting more. “C-Can I— your tongue. Please. Can we?” The older panted. His words weren’t coming out well because his mind was racing, full of everything to do with the stunning creature under him. 

Hyungwon knew exactly what the other was asking “Yes.” It might have been too much. But it was nice not to care for just a moment. Hyungwon didn’t think, he didn’t need to. He only has to experience the sensual slide of Minhyuk’s tongue over his own and the warmth building between their bodies. 

Maybe this was going too far maybe they shouldn’t be doing this. But it felt so right. 

“Can I touch?”

A pang of anxiety cut through the sultry haze. “Not under my clothes.”

“Never. Not unless you say it’s ok.”

“Thank you.”

Minhyuk’s hand wandered his clothed body. How could this feel so good? It had never felt this good before. The deep kiss and the warm hand tracing his flank and over his chest, sliding over a sensitive nipple. 

“I like when you gasp into my mouth.” Minhyuk’s voice sounded desperate. Because he was. Desperate for something he wasn’t sure he was allowed to have. 

There was warmth spreading to Hyungwon’s groin and he couldn’t stop himself from pressing his hips up against Minhyuk’s thigh for friction against his growing erection. 

Minhyuk noticed the bulge against him, pressing into his thigh. A tingle of excitement travelled through his veins. 

**You’re making him hard. If it wasn’t for the medication you’d be hard already, too.**

“You’re hard.” Minhyuk blurted out. 

**Smooth.**

A stab fear shot through Hyungwon. Had he ruined it? Fuck. What was he thinking? Rubbing up against him like a dog. Fuck. 

“Sorry!” He tried to pull away but the older didn’t let him. 

“Don’t stop. Kiss me more.”

“But—”

**You embarrassed him.**

“You can move your hips like that, it feels so good.” 

“You aren’t hard though.” 

“It takes me a little longer to get one. Don’t worry, I would have one already. You’re so gorgeous. You have me so turned on, Hyungwon.” He leaned down and dove back into the kiss, pressing his thigh up further between Hyungwon’s legs to encourage him. 

Hyungwon gasped sharply at a particularly good shift of friction and rolled his hips up into it, trying to let go of his shame. “Oh god.”

“You’re so beautiful, Hyungwon. Let go. Let yourself feel good.” He scattered kisses down the younger’s neck as one hand moved over his clothed chest and waist. “So beautiful. Too beautiful for me. I don’t deserve to see you like this. You even sound amazing.” Minhyuk murmured between kisses and licks at heated skin.

**He’s perfection. Your dick was a little late to the party but it’s finally starting to join in the fun.**

“Minhyuk...” His body felt like it was on fire. Skin tingling like every touch and was setting alight nerve endings he never knew he had.

**Better check this is ok.**

“Unless you want to stop. We can stop if you don’t like it.”

“I like it— I’m j-just embarrassed.”

“Why?” He moved the slightly damp hair from out of Hyungwon’s eyes and kissed his forehead. 

“B-Because I’m humping you like an animal.”

**Tell him he could just fuck you if he prefers.**

“What would make you feel more comfortable?”

“If you felt pleasure, too.” Hyungwon wriggled a little, feeling the bulge that had finally formed in the other’s boxers. He felt less stupid now that he wasn’t the only one. 

“Ok then. Lay on your side to face me.” Minhyuk’s instructed as he lay on his side, waiting for Hyungwon to do the same. 

“O-Okay.” Hyungwon obeyed, missing the proximity. 

Minhyuk shifted so Hyungwon’s lower leg was firmly up between his own legs, so that each other’s thighs were pressed up into their crotches. They slot together perfectly. 

Hyungwon could feel Minhyuk’s hardness against his own and his hand firmly resting on his hip to guide his movements. “Now roll your hips into me.”

**Who knew you could have so much fun with your clothes on?**

“Mmhh~” God, this position felt so good. The younger had never done anything like this. His ex-boyfriend hadn’t been a patient man. This felt so much more intimate and passionate than anything he’d experienced before. All without having to feel exposed. 

They found the perfect rhythm to undulate and writhe together, hips rolling in sync. Gasps and whimpers filled the otherwise empty room. A tiny part of Hyungwon wanted to get rid of the clothes between them. If only the more powerful part of his brain would allow it. 

“Why does it feel so good?” Hyungwon groaned airily as Minhyuk’s lips left his mouth to find every sensitive spot on his neck and as far down as he could reach with his pyjamas still fully buttoned. “God, I want you so much. I want to touch you, Min.”

“Touch whatever you want.”

The friction was so good, building a heated pool in his lower abdomen. He wanted to touch Minhyuk’s naked skin so badly but that wouldn’t be fair, surely. Since he wasn’t allowing Minhyuk to touch wherever he wanted. He cursed himself, why did he have to be this way? Why couldn’t he just let go completely? He always ruined everything. 

“You’re tensing up. Stop thinking. Let yourself feel good. You sound so amazing when you moan, Hyungwon. I could almost come just from hearing you. I’m getting so close with the way you’re moving your body.”

That gave Hyungwon a surge of confidence. “T-Touch me. Please. Can you touch my— y’know...?” He rushed out his words, like he was afraid the confidence would disappear if he didn’t hurry and use it. 

“Your dick? You want me to touch you there? Is that really ok?”

“Yeah. But keep kissing me. Please.” After all, his dick was a part of his body he didn’t have much of a self conscious issue with. Generally it was a body part he almost forgot he had, he’d become rather ambivalent towards it. At least if Minhyuk was kissing him he wouldn’t see any glimpses of prominent hip bones or skinny thighs. 

“Ok but tell me if you’re uncomfortable.” The older untangled their legs and shifted his position again so he was hovering back over him. 

**You’re shaking**

He was. A trembling hand snaked down under Hyungwon’s waistband and wrapped around his length, eliciting a hiss of pleasure. Minhyuk was nervous, too. He wanted Hyungwon to feel so good. 

“Is this ok?” He checked as he started stroking his length. 

“God yes. Kiss me.”

Minhyuk obeyed his request, recapturing his lips and kissing him deeply as his hand built up a confident rhythm. Hyungwon was pretty well endowed and Minhyuk giggled into his mouth a little when he thought about a private prediction he’d made with himself, considering his height and big hands. 

Hyungwon gave a worried squeak. 

“Sorry, baby. Wasn’t laughing at you. I just made myself giggle.”

Baby? That did things to Hyungwon that he didn’t expect. But damn, Minhyuk was so cute with the way he grinned, a little embarrassed at himself. It make Hyungwon smile, too. “You’re so weird, hyung.”

Minhyuk had a sudden devilish glint in his eyes as he gave a flick of his wrist and increased pace, tightening is grip a little on the upstroke over the younger’s erection. He could feel precome leaking over his hand and helping the glide of skin over skin. 

“Come for me, Hyungwon. I wanna hear you.”

“Please..” Hyungwon wasn’t sure what he was even begging for. 

“I’ve got you. Come for me.”

Hyungwon’s body was tightening up with the pleasure building up under his skin. Just waiting to be released. “So close~”

“You’re so beautiful.”

Hyungwon came suddenly with a loud bitten off moan of Minhyuk’s name, his hips stuttering and head tipping back into the pillow to expose his pretty throat. Minhyuk stroked him through it, watching in fascination as the younger rode out his orgasm.

“Beautiful isn’t a good enough word.” Minhyuk murmured carefully withdrew his hand, not wanting to make a mess with the come all over it. Hyungwon looked at him with heavy eyelids, watching the expression on Minhyuk’s face as he was about to wipe his hand off on the sheets but stopping himself. His eyes widened when the other shrugged and just began licking his fingers clean. 

“Oh my god, Minhyuk.” Hyungwon covered his face with his arm. 

“Sorry, is it gross? I didn’t want to make mess.”

Hyungwon giggled tiredly and rubbed his eyes. When he looked back over at a Minhyuk, he saw that he was clearly still hard. “I can suck you off. I’m good at that.” He blurted out. It was possibly the only thing he’d say he’d mastered in the bedroom. You didn’t have to expose any of your body to give a blowjob, after all. 

“No, it’s fine. Just kiss me more. I’m so close already, Hyungwon.”

“But it’s not fair if—”

“It is fair.” He rolled onto his back, pushing his boxers down and running his other hand up over his own abdomen shamelessly. By the time he started stroking his own erection, his shirt had ridden up almost to his nipples and his boxers had slipped half way down his thighs.

All Hyungwon could do was stare, mouth dry at the vision in front of him. “Please l-let me repay you.”

“You can touch me if you want but I don’t want you to suck me off.” He remembered what Hyungwon had said about letting his then-boyfriend fuck his mouth so he wouldn’t have to undress. 

Hyungwon could barely think straight, his body moving of its own accord as he reached out and ran a hand up Minhyuk’s flat belly and over his chest, pushing the t-shirt up just a little further as he leaned down to take the initiative and kiss at Minhyuk’s neck. He felt high from his orgasm and the moan that came from the other as he brushed his fingertips over a small perky nipple only made him feel even higher. 

His hand travelled lower until his long fingers met Minhyuk’s wrist. “Can I do this?”

Minhyuk nodded and let go of his own erection, groaning when he felt Hyungwon’s hand take ahold of him, cautiously at first. 

“Yes, Hyungwon.”

He began stroking his length. “Does it feel ok?”

“It feels amazing. Keep going. Just a little faster.” The older bucked his hips up into Hyungwon’s hand. “You’re doing so good.”

Hyungwon got braver with the encouragement. He ducked down to lick over a pert nipple experimentally. 

“D-Do it again!”

Hyungwon obeyed, running the flat of his tongue over his nipple again and then sucking lightly at it. He felt Minhyuk’s hand came to rub over the exposed skin of the back of his neck. “Can touch my lower back again.”

The hand immediately moved down to slip up under the hem of his shirt, scratching very lightly before soothing over the area. 

Minhyuk couldn’t get enough. The stimulation of the hot wet mouth over his nipple and the feeling of smooth skin under his hand. He bucked his hips up erratically into Hyungwon’s hand until the coil in the pit of his stomach snapped and he came all over himself in hot white spurts. 

“Hyungwon~!”

Hyungwon looked so disheveled with his hair a mess, kiss swollen lips and pink cheeks. “You look so good. Oh my god.” Minhyuk panted as he pulled him down against him, forgetting about the come all over his belly.

**Imagine how good he would look if you fucked him. God, I really can’t decide if you should fuck him or get fucked.**

“You’re the one who looks good right now. You’re blushing so much. It’s so cute. I’ve never seen you blush like this.” Hyungwon ram a thumb over a pink cheek. 

“You’re blushing, too. You blush a lot but this is the best time I’ve seen it. You’re prefect.”

Hyungwon’s eyes slipped closed, exhausted. 

**He has pretty eyelashes. Did you notice that?**

“Good night.” Minhyuk murmured softly, taking the other’s hand in his and closing his own hands. 

 

________________

 

 

Minhyuk spent the next morning not wanting to leave Hyungwon’s side. He held his hand under the table in the canteen at breakfast until he saw Changkyun sitting alone. We should go sit with him.”

“Ok. I’m done anyway.” Hyungwon finished his orange juice before following Minhyuk over. 

“Morning Changkyun!” Minhyuk brought a hand down on the new kid’s shoulder. 

“Hey!” The younger jerked away sharply. 

“What’s wrong? Do you really not like me?”

“I don’t even know you and you just come up and touch me.” He eyed them both. Looking them up and down with calculating eyes. His posture was different to how it was before. More open and cocky. “Actually if I’d known you were so cute I maybe wouldn’t have had a problem with it. That said, I’d much prefer this cutie.” He pointed at Hyungwon. 

“Me?”

“Yeah, you. You’re just my type. A pretty face and skinny body. What’s your name?”

Minhyuk watched Hyungwon withdraw further in on himself. “I-It’s Hyungwon. Remember?”

“Ah. You must have already met Changkyun.”

“Of course we met you.” Minhyuk frowned. 

“That’s not me. My name’s I.M.”

It seemed to click for Hyungwon but not quite yet for Minhyuk. 

I.M rolled his eyes. “Dissociative Identity Disorder, bitches.” He flipped the bird as he got up and walked away from the pair. 

“Wow. He’s so different...” Hyungwon said quietly. 

“I guess it’s because he’s basically a different person.”

“I prefer Changkyun.” Hyungwon admitted. 

They watched as he tried to leave but Nurse Yoo intercepted him. 

“Could you clear your tray away before going?”

“Nope.” The young man was the same height as Nurse Yoo but had broader shoulders, using that to square up to the nurse and crowd him. 

“I.M I assume.” Nurse Yoo didn’t even flinch, even as I.M glared at him. 

“Yeah, now get out of my way.”

“Perhaps you would like to clear your tray and be so kind as to return to your room and then come to Dr Son’s office? I imagine you’re probably a little confused as to why you’re here.”

Hoseok was hovering nearby, ready to intervene. 

“I’m not clearing the damn tray.”

“I have they key to the cigarette box. You smoke, correct? I’ll just put that out there.”

I.M looked like he might lash out for a second. But instead, he walked over to the tray and begrudgingly cleared it. 

“Excellent. Thank you. If you’d like to return to your room I’ll come and get you soon.” Nurse Yoo said simply. 

 

———

 

Kihyun knocked before entering the doctor’s office. 

“What can I do for you, Nurse Yoo?”

“Changkyun’s switched. I’m assuming you want to see him.” He explained. 

“Oh yes. Will you send him in as soon as possible?”

“Yeah. I must warn you he seems to dislike authority.”

“Hey, Kihyun? Are we ok? You’ve been kinda distant this week since our date and I was worried I’ve done something wrong? I’d have brought it up before but I was scared it was all in my imagination.”

“...Everything’s fine.” 

“That wasn’t very convincing.” Hyunwoo frowned, concerned. 

“I just... no, it’s fine.” It had been a lovely date. They’d gone to a quirky little bar for drinks and grabbed some food at a tiny noodle bar which served possibly the best noodles Kihyun had ever eaten. Afterwards, they walked along the river and Hyunwoo plucked up the courage to hold his hand and offered to talk him home. 

Kihyun had agreed, mentally preparing to invite the doctor in to fuck his brains out. However, at his door when asked if he wanted to come in, Hyunwoo politely declined. It left Kihyun feeling deflated and the more he’d thought about it, the more he convinced himself that Hyunwoo didn’t really want him. That he must have done something to put him off. 

“Because I was thinking maybe I could take you to dinner after work sometime? If you want a second date, that is.” Hyunwoo tried. 

That would be great, except he couldn’t. “I don’t go out after work because I stay behind late.” Kihyun’s wasn’t being obstructive. He really wasn’t. He had to stay late to complete unnecessary tasks for reasons that didn’t make sense even to himself, because they didn’t have to make sense. 

“I’ll wait for you to be done. I can sit and do paperwork.” 

“If you’re sure...”

“Good things are worth waiting for, right?” Hyunwoo smiled. 

“Right. Can I bring your patient in now?”

“Yeah, thank you.”

Kihyun paused as he turned to leave. “Actually, come over my place. Not tonight, maybe tomorrow? I’ll cook.”

“You don’t have to go to all that trouble.”

“I want to. It’s no trouble.” Maybe then Hyunwoo might get brave. They’d already made out so what was the problem?

“Ok then. Sounds great. I love your cooking.”

“Just one more thing...” Because Kihyun had to know. “Do you see right through me?” He hoped that wasn’t too cryptic, not wanting to have to spell it out.

Hyunwoo knew exactly what the nurse was alluding to. “Do you want me to?”

“No.”

“Then I don’t.”

Kihyun didn’t say anything else, just slipped out the room to fetch I.M.

 

———

 

“Hello, I.M. I’m Dr Son. It’s good to finally meet you.”

“Pleasure.” The young man deadpanned with a snarky edge, sitting slouched in the chair. 

“I just wanted to catch up with you since I only met Changkyun. Do you know where you are?”

“I don’t remember coming here but it doesn’t take a fucking genius to work it out. Was probably more of a shock to pussy boy.”

“By that you mean Changkyun?”

“Yeah. Kid needs to grow a spine. Let me guess, it was my little joyride that got us here? I missed the end of the court case.” He shrugged like he didn’t care. 

“Usually patients who come here by court order or who have a long history of criminality are placed in the eastern wing. But considering your age and the fact you don’t have a history of violence and aggression, we placed you here. However, if we believe you require higher security, we may have to transfer you.” Dr Son explained. 

I.M scoffed and looked away. 

“I don’t want to do that, though. I don’t think you’re dangerous or violent. From looking through your records I think you’re just scared. Just like Changkyun.”

I.M didn’t answer. 

“I can see that you don’t want to be here but we want to help both of you.”

“Do you know what it’s like to only live half an existence? To have to share it with someone else? So while I’m in control I want to make the most of it. I wanna drink, drive fast cars and fuck strangers. I don’t wanna be walled up in a place like this surrounded by a bunch of crazies.” Despite his hard glare, his eyes were shiny with tears. 

“You’re frustrated. I get it. But I can’t relate to having DID, it isn’t something I’ve experienced personally, only observed. However, there is one person who understands exactly what that’s like. Changkyun. You need to learn to work with each other rather than against each other.” Dr Son sat back in his chair. “You can go and enjoy the rest of your free time before dinner. Unless there were things you wanted to discuss. But you look like you don’t want to be in this office.”

“Fuck this.” I.M grit his teeth and stormed out, slamming the door hard behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time: We join Kihyun and Hyunwoo on their date at Kihyun’s place! Also maybe we find out a little more about Kihyun!  
> Meanwhile, Minhyuk reaches out to I.M and Hyungwon takes another big step forward. 
> 
> ____
> 
>  
> 
> In other news: Back on the weekly upload schedule haha! No travelling around or events for the foreseeable future, I can go back to embracing my inner social recluse!


	9. Altostratus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress for Hyungwon and we learn something about Kihyun. Meanwhile, Minhyuk’s emotions are erratic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No major warnings there! Please enjoy!

**Altostratus are grey or bluish-grey sheets of cloud that partially or totally cover the sky at the mid-level of the atmosphere. Though, they are thin enough that you can generally still see the sun as a dim disk behind them. They can appear ahead of a warm front or together with cumulus at a cold front.**

 

 

Minhyuk kept running over what had happened between them. Hyungwon had acted no differently the next morning. Which in one respect could be a good thing, he didn’t seem freaked out or anything. But it could be the opposite. Minhyuk himself was well versed in pretending everything was fine until it was all too much. But also, on the other hand, Hyungwon’s lack of acknowledging the situation almost made Minhyuk question if it really happened. He knew better than most how powerful the human mind could be, and how cruel. Maybe it really was too good to be true. The fact that Hyungwon would let him touch him like that. Would pant and moan breathlessly into his mouth as he did. Fuck. 

**You should talk to him about last night. Make sure it was ok.** The voice reminded Minhyuk almost constantly that day. To the point it had become extremely annoying. 

But he couldn’t bring it up until they were alone. 

It played on his mind continually. 

So, as soon as they returned to their room he rushed out the words so fast that they merged together and became unintelligible. “Waslastnightok!?”

“Sorry, could you repeat that slower?” Hyungwon asked with startled eyes. 

The older paused to collect his words before speaking slowly. “It was ok, right? What we did last night? I was worried because you didn’t say anything after.”

“Sorry, I was just kinda processing it? It was ok, more than ok. I liked it, but it was a lot for me. I scared myself a little with it. I’m kinda frustrated with myself over it, too.” Hyungwon tried to explain. 

“Why?”

**You didn’t check the forecast today.**

Hyungwon looked down at the floor as he sat on the edge of the bed. “Because I... couldn’t give you everything.”

“You can give as much or as little as you like. It’s your body, nobody else’s.” Minhyuk sat next to him and placed his hand over Hyungwon’s on the mattress between them.

“I want to... I want to give everything to you. I think that’s why it’s so difficult to do. With my ex I could just lay there and take my mind out of my body and pretend it wasn’t happening.” He looked over to Minhyuk. You make me want it and want to experience every moment and every touch. But that is terrifying.” The idea of someone seeing and touching him so intimately. 

“Why would you want to do it if you’re afraid?”

“Because sometimes it’s worth it. Besides, sometimes a little fear is a good thing. There’s different kinds of fear.” Hyungwon was, after all, an expert in fear. 

“You’re not afraid of me, right?” Minhyuk had to check. Because that would be the worst thing in the world if he was.

“No! Never. Actually, I feel safer with you than I have with anyone in years. So, I want to give you all of me... eventually.”

“I’ll wait as long as you need.” Minhyuk leaned on his shoulder. “Hey Hyungwon?”

“Yeah?”

**Don’t say it.**

“...Nothing.”

“You sure?”

**Don’t say it.**

_“I’m in love with you.”_

“Yeah. I was just being stupid.” Minhyuk rubbed his thumb passively across the back of Hyungwon’s hand. 

“In that case... can I ask a strange question?”

“You might get a strange answer.” The older mused, nuzzling his shoulder like a cat. 

“That’s fine. The voice in your head, does it have a name?” Because he wanted to understand all that he could. 

“No. When I was diagnosed they said I shouldn’t give him a name. Because he’s just a symptom, not an entity. They said it would only encourage me to humanise him. Actually I wasn’t supposed to refer to him as a him. Since he isn’t real. But it always felt weird not to.” Minhyuk explained. 

“Oh. I see... that seems a little harsh since I guess he isn’t doing you any harm, right?”

“Right. Dr Son says he probably will never go away and that’s fine. I don’t really want him to go. If I take the antipsychotics it makes him disappear temporarily and I don’t like it. They made me feel like a zombie, too.” It was hard to explain properly, the sense of loss. “Imagine you have someone who’s always there with you 24/7 as long as you can remember and they suddenly disappear. Even if it’s someone you don’t always see eye to eye with.”

“Oh yeah... that makes sense, actually. Especially if the side effects are bad, too.” 

Minhyuk laid back on the bed and stretched out. “He was being kinda annoying today, though. Pestering me about talking to you about last night.”

“Does he still like me?”

**I do.**

“Oh yes! His favourite person is Nurse Yoo, though. But you’re way up there in his top five.” It was nice talking openly without judgement. 

**Nurse Yoo is my favourite, yes. He’s intelligent and he cares so much but he doesn’t take any bullshit. He is passionate about his job. I like people with passion.**

“Is there anyone he doesn’t like?” 

**I.M. I don’t like I.M. He’s a jerk.**

“Hmm there’s been a few people he doesn’t like. Usually people who aren’t nice to me. But sometimes he just doesn’t like someone for no major reason. Sometimes he changes his mind, at first he didn’t like Nurse Moon. Now he does.”

**Minhyuk, you make me sound so fickle.**

Hyungwon leaned down and hovered there, speaking just over Minhyuk’s forehead. “I hope I continue to remain in your good graces, Mr Voice.”

**I understand why Minhyuk likes you.**

“C’mere.” Minhyuk reached up to guide Hyungwon’s lips to his own. 

**You two are so sweet, it’s so gross.**

Minhyuk giggled into the kiss. 

“What?” The younger left a light kiss on the corner of his mouth. 

“He said we’re gross.” He tangled his fingers into soft locks. “Because we’re sweet.”

Hyungwon laughed and rolled over to lay on his back, one hand still holding the other’s and covering his mouth his free one as he laughed. “Sorry Mr Voice.”

 

______________  
______________

 

Hyunwoo waited around patiently for a little over an hour while Kihyun sorted and re-filed notes, as he always did. 

“Ok we can go now. If we hurry we can catch the next bus.” Kihyun searched his pocket for his locker key. 

“Well I was kinda thinking I’d drive us.” Hyunwoo held up his car keys. They had a little bear key ring on. Kihyun definitely noticed it and he definitely thought it was adorable. 

“Oh! Of course. I forgot you have a car. Lucky me, no riding the peasant waggon tonight.” They reached the nurse’s locker room. “I won’t be long.” Kihyun assured him as he disappeared behind the door. 

Hyunwoo waited patiently as Kihyun pulled his uniform off and grabbed his clothes out of his locker. He had to arrive extra early this morning so nobody saw him walking in wearing them. They consisted of the tightest jeans he owned, which were even harder to get on now he’d just spent an entire shift without sitting down even once. They also required him to not wear underwear, otherwise the lines showed up pretty prominently. The shirt was a bit looser but the top three buttons simply didn’t exist. 

He quickly applied some tinted moisturiser and some nice subtle eyeliner he kept in his locker for emergencies. Not that he’d ever needed to use them until now. He was never invited to the spontaneous nights out after work.

He assessed himself in the mirror. Ok, maybe he looked a little sluttier than he’d usually go for. But he was determined to get those clothes ripped right off of him. 

“Sorry I took a while!” He called and grabbed his bag with his uniform in it, opening the locker room door. 

Now, Kihyun would never admit it out loud, but he absolutely loved having his ego stroked. And the way he saw Hyunwoo’s jaw practically drop onto the floor did just that. He smirked pridefully. “Am I worth the wait?”

“God yes.”

“Right answer. C’mon, or we won’t eat until midnight.” He began leading the way out. But frankly, he wouldn’t care if Hyunwoo ravaged him the moment they set food in his apartment and they never got to eat at all. 

Kihyun’s confidence melted a little as they neared his apartment building, though. Generally he didn’t like having people in his home. It was his personal sphere of control and people brought disruption to his little oasis of order. The world made sense in his home.

He felt jittery on the elevator ride up to the 26th floor, so much so that his hands were gaming by the time he punched in the code to his apartment door. 

“Everything ok?” Hyunwoo checked. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” He stepped inside, suddenly feeling vulnerable. “Please hang your jacket in here and place your shoes there.” He instructed as he placed his bag in the coat closet and removed his shoes. He also grabbed his uniform from the bag and disappeared temporarily to toss it into the laundry hamper specifically for clothes he’d worn in work. 

Hyunwoo simply followed instructions, not moving far from the door until Kihyun returned. 

“So this is my apartment, make yourself at home. Not too at home, though. Please don’t touch my stuff.” Kihyun half joked. 

“Do you want some help cooking?” 

“Definitely not, you’ll slow me down. Do you want a drink? I have beer, wine, coffee, green tea, peach tea, water, orange juice and Pepsi.” Personally he needed wine to calm his nerves. He wasn’t usually this bad. Maybe it was a combination of someone being in his home and the fact it was Hyunwoo. 

“I’ll just have a glass of water, since I’m driving.”

Oh. He intended on going home? Kihyun pulled a bottle of wine out the fridge. “Well, you could always stay the night.” Kihyun said suggestively.

“Wouldn’t want to take over your couch.”

Was this guy for real? “I wouldn’t exactly expect you to sleep on the couch.” Kihyun opened the wine and filled a glass. Why was Hyunwoo not playing the game again? “Well, I’m drinking. Now you have to, otherwise you’ll make me feel like an alcoholic.”

Hyunwoo laughed that charming chuckle of his. “Ok, one glass can’t hurt.”

“You can sit at the counter here if you like, just don’t invade my space while I’m cooking.” Kihyun cursed himself, he was probably giving mixed signals again. “Sorry. It’s because of... well I guess you know why.” He sighed and filled a glass for the doctor, sliding it over to him as he perched on the seat at the counter. 

“Yeah, I get it.” Hyunwoo smiled and sipped the wine. “Don’t worry about it.” 

“You’re too laid back for your own good.” He sipped his wine and started gathering ingredients. 

“Am I? I guess I have to be, considering my job.”

“I suppose. Maybe I’m just uptight.”

“I don’t think you’re uptight.”

Kihyun relaxed quickly after that, their conversation flowed easily as he cooked, something that always calmed his nerves anyway. He knew they had certain things in common but it turned out they had a lot more than he thought in common. A good portion of the conversation was purely on their favourite meals and favourite places to eat. 

“Ok, no. I take back what I said before. This is my favourite place to eat. Wow, I knew you were a good cook but this is amazing. Thank you very much.” Hyunwoo beamed.

“I’m glad you like it.” He probably shouldn’t get so much satisfaction from people liking his cooking. “There’s leftovers you can take home or heat up for your lunch at work tomorrow.”

“You’re spoiling me, Ki.”

“If I have to witness you eating another dreary sandwich at your desk I’ll snap.”

After they ate, Kihyun let Hyunwoo help with the dishes. Something he didn’t normally afford to people. He sipped his second glass of wine slowly, not wanting to get too carried away with it and eventually they settled to watch trash late night TV on the couch. 

This was it. This was Kihyun’s opportunity to get things going. He stretched out, letting his shirt ride up and show off the lower part of his stomach. Besides his height, he was confident in his body. For good reason, too. 

But Hyunwoo didn’t even spare him a glance. 

In fact, every time Kihyun shifted closer, Hyunwoo shifted away. When there was finally nowhere left for him to go, his entire body seemed to tense up in Kihyun’s presence. 

That was it. Kihyun couldn’t take it anymore. “It’s ok if you don’t want this anymore. You don’t have to humour me.”

“What do you mean?” Hyunwoo blinked. 

“I invited you in last time and you refused. Now you’re here and you still won’t even lay a hand on me. Now that we aren’t at work has the thrill gone or something? Or do I just smell weird? I don’t get it.” Kihyun accused. 

“Sorry— I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s not like that at all. I just didn’t want to rush you, I don’t want to ruin everything by like— jumping on you on the second date. You look so good and it’s driving me crazy. You have no idea.”

“We’ve made out twice and I almost climbed you like a tree just the other day. I’m wearing really uncomfortable jeans and no underwear. I’m even wearing goddamn makeup. I am practically sitting in your lap for fuck sake. Do you really think I’m gonna be put off by you jumping on me? I don’t need you to be a gentleman.” 

“...Oh.”

“Y’know, in my experience, doctors are really stupid. All that academic knowledge taking up all the space where common sense should be.” Kihyun groaned. 

“I agree. C’mere.” Hyunwoo pulled Kihyun over into his lap, moving his smaller body easily. 

“You’re so strong.” Kihyun blushed. This is what he wanted. 

“You’re pretty light, to be fair.” Hyunwoo chuckled. 

Kihyun’s narrowed his eyes. “That sounded dangerously close to calling me short. Just kiss me already an I’ll forgive you.”

“I love when you’re bossy.” With that, Hyunwoo pulled him into a greedy kiss, one hand curled into his hair and the other on his hip. 

Kihyun leaded his body into Hyunwoo’s, straddling his lap with their groins torturously close. The longer they kissed, the more heated it became. Until Kihyun could feel a bulge in Hyunwoo’s jeans against him. It made him groan with need into older’s mouth as he sucked at his lower lip. 

“Fuck, Kihyun.” Hyunwoo murmured breathlessly, hand sneaking up his spine.

Kihyun rolled his hips down, the friction making himself gasp. “Take me to my bedroom and fuck me.” He wasn’t asking, he was telling. 

“God, Kihyun. Are you sure?” Hyunwoo mouthed down Kihyun’s slightly sweaty neck. 

“No marks my clothes don’t cover.” Kihyun warned. “And do I sound like I’m not sure? You’re gonna take me in there and fuck me until I can’t even speak. Got it?”

Kihyun looked so gorgeous, hair a mess and eyes dark with lust as he looked over him in his lap. He exuded an air of control mixed with want. It made Hyunwoo’s mouth dry just to look at him. How gorgeous must he look out of those clothes? “Ki—”

“Got it?” He repeated, more sternly. 

“Got it.” Hyunwoo grinned. Not only was Kihyun gorgeous but Hyunwoo loved how demanding he was, how dominant. It made his dick twitch just to hear him being so assertive. Fuck, it was this fire and self assurance he was so drawn to in the nurse, like a moth to a flame. 

 

__________________

 

Hyunwoo woke up to a cup of coffee being placed on the bedside table next to him and the smell of bacon cooking. 

“Rise and shine, it’s a weekday. We have work, remember?” Kihyun smiled softly down at him, his hair was damp and he was already dressed. 

“Aw you showered without me.” Hyunwoo pouted and sat up, rubbing his hands over his face. 

“Sorry, I woke up feeling unclean.” Had he not been so completely fucked out he would have showered straight after. “Last night was amazing, by the way.” Good thing Kihyun didn’t get a chance to sit down at work because this morning he was a little sore. 

“You were amazing. I’m not sure I can live with myself for waiting so long.” Hyunwoo took the coffee and sipped it. 

Kihyun kisses his forehead as he drank. “We can make up for lost time. Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes. Hurry up.” He warned and left the room, trying not to mentally coo too much about how cute Hyunwoo looked. All sleepy with messy hair and love bites on his chest. Kihyun almost forgot how possessive he got in the bedroom. Not that Hyunwoo seemed to mind. 

Hyunwoo showered quickly and they ate breakfast together, after Kihyun almost choked on his coffee when Hyunwoo walked in without a shirt on. Apparently he didn’t want to spill anything down it, since he didn’t have another to change into. Kihyun let it slide. This time. Even though it sounded like a poor excuse.

“When we get to work do you want me to let you go in first and then I’ll walk in after?” Hyunwoo asked after swallowing a mouthful of egg. 

“No. I don’t care anymore. Let people talk.” Kihyun shrugged and shoved the last of his bacon into his mouth. “As long as you aren’t ashamed.”

“Why would I be ashamed?” Hyunwoo set down his coffee cup. “I really like you, Kihyun. I have for a long time.” 

“I really like you, too.” Kihyun blushed lightly, staring down into his own coffee cup.

“And because of that.... Can I ask you something personal and then never bring it up again unless you do?”

He knew this was coming. “... Fine. I guess it is something that we should have a conversation about. Just please promise not to doctor me.” The fact Hyunwoo had already worked it out took some of the pressure off, at least. Besides, of all people, he wouldn’t judge. He already demonstrated that in the way he never questioned things like his need to continually sort files after every single shift. Or his moments of _“I just need to do this. I know you don’t understand but I just need to.”_

“No doctoring. I promise. I just want to confirm things in my own mind.” He leaned back in his chair, quickly correcting himself when he realised that was the posture he tended to adopt in front of patients. He leaned forward, instead. “Are you formally diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?”

“Yes. 50mg of Venlafaxine a day since I was twenty years old. Self management of targeted cognitive behavioural therapy.” Kihyun admitted. 

“I have a lot of respect for you. It must be so exhausting.” 

“It is. But I’m not really bad. I’m perfectly capable of doing my job.” It wasn’t so much about germs and cleanliness, it was about order and control for him. Things being a certain way. Be it his body or his environment. Counting out numbers in his head, sometimes. Check check checking and checking again. Intrusive thoughts that for him weren’t especially distressing, except the ones he’d get around cheese graters or potato peelers. In short, he could live his life around it and not let on too much. Getting away with people just thinking he was bossy and very particular. In fact, he felt like it made him more sympathetic towards his patients because there were some levels on which he could relate.

“I don’t doubt it. You’re very capable.”

Kihyun shifted uncomfortably. 

“You’re not ashamed, are you?” Hyunwoo frowned. 

“Not exactly. But I see every day how people who are different get treated. How people’s perceptions of a person changes despite best intentions when someone doesn’t fit in with the neuronormative.”

“For the record, I think just as highly of you as I always have. It doesn’t change anything. It didn’t when I had my suspicions and it doesn’t now that I know for sure.” 

“Do I hide it well?” Kihyun asked meekly. 

“You do. But don’t feel like you have to moderate your behaviour around me. You can relax a little.”

“What was your first impression of me? I’m curious.” Kihyun asked after a moment. 

“Well I remember first meeting you like it was yesterday. It was my first day working there and was told someone would show me to my office.” The doctor mused. “I stood waiting in the reception area like a spare part. Then you, this young tiny junior nurse appeared, looked me up and down before looking me dead in the eyes and asked me if I was Son Hyunwoo—”

“And told you to tuck your shirt in.” Kihyun laughed. 

“Yep. You brought me to my office and straightened my tie before dropping a stack of notes on the desk and walking out.”

“You must have thought I was an asshole.” Kihyun lamented as he started clearing the plates. 

“Not at all. I liked the fact that this junior nurse had it in him to tell a doctor to tuck his shirt in upon their first meeting. I knew you’d keep me in line.” Hyunwoo laughed and stood to join the other in the kitchen, setting down his empty cup. 

“I’ve never met anyone I couldn't get in line.” Kihyun preened at the notion. He knew he could be a force to be reckoned with and was proud of that fact. 

“I’m more than happy to fall in line.”

“So I see. I like that.” He turns and walked his fingers up Hyunwoo’s broad, still bare, chest. “Strong but oh so pliable. If I told you to carry me around all day, would you?”

“Your feet wouldn’t touch the floor for a moment.”

The nurse grinned. “I’ll keep that in mind. Are you ready? Put your damn shirt on and let’s go.” 

“Can I take you out on the weekend?”

“You can.”

 

________________  
________________

 

 

“Hey Hyungwon hyung. Can I come sit with you?” Changkyun was clutching a book to his chest. 

“Oh, sure. Nice to see this version of you again.” Hyungwon smiled gently. 

“Oh. Did you meet I.M? Sorry if he said anything insensitive. He can be pretty abrasive.”

“Are you not there at all when he’s out? Or vice versa? Sorry. I don’t know much about this kind of thing. Are there others?”

“It’s ok, I don’t really mind talking about it.” Changkyun settled next to him. “I don’t know what he gets up to when he’s in control. I get these black holes in my memory. When I’m me I can sort of sense him there, like... in the ether. But we don’t communicate. My therapists always encouraged us to talk by writing letters to the other but we’re just too different. We don’t get along. Thankfully it’s just me and him, there aren’t others.” 

“You really are very different from each other.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” The young man laughed. “Sorry if I’m like, attaching myself to you. You’re easy to talk to. I’m not bothering you, am I?”

“Not at all. What are you reading?”

“There wasn’t much choice so I just grabbed something random. Ornithology?”

Hyungwon huffed out a little laugh. “That was the first book I picked up here, too. It’ll certainly help if you sleep if you suffer with insomnia. Let’s put it that way.”

“How far did you make it?” Changkyun smiled crookedly. 

Hyungwon thought back. It felt like forever ago. “I think I only made it to adaptions of the pentadactyl limb found in birds’s wings.”

Changkyun flicked through. “Not far then. I’ll see if I can beat you.”

“I might fight you for it, this book on mindfulness is starting to make that book look exciting.”

Meanwhile, Minhyuk still didn’t want to interfere with Changkyun and Hyungwon’s rapidly blossoming friendship, feeling like a bit of a third wheel. 

So, he sat outside with his back against the high wall which separated this place from the rest of the universe. Ha gazed up at the vast blue sky. 

It was getting cold. It would snow any day now. He had to keep reminding himself of that because an insidious type of sadness was creeping up on him. Slow and heavy. He hadn’t been able to speak to his mother for two days because the doctors had said she didn’t have the strength. 

**You should go to her.**

_“But I can’t.”_

**If Hyungwon can face his fears, why can’t you? He came outside for you. He’ll leave this place without you at this rate.**

“I can’t do it. You know I can’t do it.” He spoke out loud this time, nobody else was around anyway. What did it matter? Not like he had to worry about someone thinking he was crazy. “Let’s not talk about that.” He looked over at the building, he could see Hyungwon and Changkyun reading together by the window. 

**Hyungwon looks cute when he reads. I bet you could give him an orgasm so good he’d cry if you had actual sex.**

“He doesn’t want that yet.”

**Yet. Would you fuck him or let him fuck you?**

“Anything he wants.”

**Haven’t you learned your lesson about letting people do what they want with you?**

“He’s not like that.”

**Not your proudest moments, were they? Remember laying there covered in three different guy’s come, still waiting for them to call you a good boy? A compliment that never came. That was a particular low, hm? You went crawling back to your poor mother in tears.**

“Don’t remind me about that.”

**Remember the guy who you let fuck you while his friends watched and drank beer?**

“Stop it.” When his moods were unstable, the voice’s demeanour fluctuated, too. Shifting from supportive or impartial to critical and unhelpful. Feeding his self doubt. 

**Women aren’t much better. The one who slapped you silly because you couldn’t get it up fast enough?**

“Why are you being like this?”

**Not my fault you don’t learn from your mistakes.**

“He wouldn’t hurt me,”

**You’re probably right but you can never be too careful. Maybe he’ll just decide he likes Changkyun more.**

“Just shut up! Please!” The voice went quiet after that. He pushed the sadness down out of the way. Maybe it would fester there, but he couldn’t deal with it right now. 

 

______________

 

It got ever colder over the next few days. 

Until finally, Hyungwon and Minhyuk walked into the common area and saw a blanket of pure white snow covering the ground and steadily falling snowflakes outside. 

“Oh my god!” Minhyuk dashed outside quickly, throwing open the doors and leaving Hyungwon behind. The snow was beautiful. Crisp and pure. The snowflakes settled in his hair as he stood there enjoying the peaceful ambience and crisp cold. 

If Hyungwon ever had to describe pure joy to anybody, he’d have shown them a picture of Minhyuk right now. It warmed his heart thoroughly to see him so happy and content. Especially since he’d been acting a little off lately. Then, Minhyuk locked eyes with him, big smile on his face as he extended a hand in his direction. 

Minhyuk wanted him to come outside. 

He couldn’t. 

Or maybe he could.

Could he?

He’d done it before. So why not again?

He wanted to share that happiness and see it up close. 

Hyungwon cautiously walked over to the doors and looked at Minhyuk with his arm still outstretched. 

“Nothing bad will happen to you. I promise.”

Hyungwon stepped out, placing his feet inside Minhyuk’s footprints until he reached him, taking the outstretched hand in his own. Safety. 

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Minhyuk had that brightly shining smile on his face. The snowflakes kept collecting in his hair, a stark contrast of black and white and his cheeks were rosey from the cold. 

“Yeah, beautiful.” Hyungwon said almost breathlessly. 

Suddenly, Minhyuk’s expression turned devilish. He bent down and grabbed a handful of snow and dropped it down the front of Hyungwon’s t-shirt. 

“Yah!!” Hyungwon yelped and frantically shook the snow out from under his clothes while the older doubled over with laugher. “Funny, is it?!” Hyungwon grabbed a handful of snow and shoved it down Minhyuk’s back. 

“Oh my god!!” Minhyuk screamed. 

**You started it, to be fair.**

“That’s what you get.” The younger giggled and threw a snowball at him for good measure. 

**Be careful. Don’t be rough. He’s not Jooheon.**

Minhyuk tackled Hyungwon down into the soft snow, causing him to gasp at the sudden motion and the coldness under his body. 

“I win!” Minhyuk was easily the stronger of the two and should been able to keep Hyungwon overpowered easily. But Hyungwon was good at getting out of the grasp of people stronger than him. 

“You think?” Hyungwon knew exactly how he’d get out of this. 

Minhyuk’s right knee was between his legs and he held his hands down either side of his head. So, Hyungwon shifted his right leg to knock Minhyuk’s left and disturb his balance. In the next moment he used his left leg to wrap around the other’s hip and flipped them both over, using his momentum to end up sat on top of a very puzzled Minhyuk’s hips, their hands till joined. 

“Wow.” Minhyuk blinked up at him. 

Hyungwon smirked proudly. “I think you’ll find that I win.” 

“Get back in before you both freeze!” Nurse Yoo called from the doors.

Hyungwon scrambled up quickly and helped the other to his feet, too. They were both still giggling as they made their way back towards the building. Minhyuk stopping to scoop up a snowball and eye Nurse Yoo standing there at the open doors. 

“Don’t you dare even think about it, Lee Minhyuk.” Nurse Yoo warned. 

“Think about what?” Minhyuk said with mock innocence. 

“Don’t you dare throw that snowball at me. Do you hear me? Put it down.” The nurse folded his arms across his chest sternly. 

“I don’t think there’s any reasoning with him, Nurse Yoo.” Hyungwon chuckled into his hand, just as Minhyuk tossed the snowball at the nurse, hitting him square in the chest. 

“Shit!” Nurse Yoo clapped his hand over his mouth as soon as the word flew out.

“Oh Nurse Yoo, such bad language!” Minhyuk gasped and tugged Hyungwon along inside with him. 

There was a snort from the other side of the yard, I.M or Changkyun had been watching the whole time, unnoticed. 

“Just get some dry clothes and some coats on, then you can go back outside.” Nurse Yoo dusted the snow off his uniform. 

“Yessir!” 

Nurse Yoo stuck his head out the door. “You too, I.M.” It hadn’t taken him long to be able to tell I.M from Changkyun. Their body language was completely different. I.M would either hold himself in a confident and open posture, or in a cold and guarded way. But always trying to make himself look bigger, taking advantage of his broad shoulders. Changkyun, on the other hand, would try to appear smaller. He’d hold himself in a cautiously relaxed way or in a way that made him look as though he was waiting for the ground to swallow him up. Their facial expressions were different, too. Unless Changkyun was nervous or uncomfortable, he had a very relaxed expression. Whereas I.M always seemed to have at least either a frown or a tightly clenched jaw.

“Sorry for sticking snow down your shirt.” Minhyuk wrapped an arm around the other’s slim waist as they walked along the corridor towards their room to change into some dry clothes. 

“It’s ok. It certainly took my mind off being outside. It was ok, actually. I kind of forgot about the anxiety of being outside.” Hyugnwon admitted. 

“Will you come back out when we get our coats?”

Hyungwon thought about it for a few moments. “Yeah.” Because why couldn’t he? He could do it. It was safe and nobody was going to hurt him. Besides, Minhyuk had looked so boundlessly happy. He couldn’t miss seeing that again for anything.

When they reached their room, Minhyuk immediately peeled off his cold wet t-shirt. Hyungwon watched him as he did so, his mind jumping back to seeing him laid out on the bed with his shirt hiked up as he touched himself. He’d looked so free and unashamed, so comfortable in his body. 

Why couldn’t Hyungwon be like that?

Well, he’d pushed his own boundaries once that day. Another nudge surely wouldn’t be too much, considering how emboldened he felt. 

So, without saying anything, Hyungwon carefully lifted his soaking wet t-shirt off over his head. This had been the first time in a long time he’d been so exposed in front of someone. 

Minhyuk, not realising the younger had started undressing, turned and caught sight of his naked torso. “Oops!” He covered his eyes with both hands immediately. “I’m sorry Hyungwon, I didn’t realise you were undressing. I’m so sorry!”

**He’s so elegant.**

_“Oh no, I broke his trust! I promised I wouldn’t look. It was an accident, though!”_ Minhyuk thought, frantically. He was panicking. What if Hyungwon never trusted him again? 

Then, he felt hands on his own, gently pulling them down from his closed eyes. 

“You... you can look.” Hyungwon’s voice was barely above a whisper. 

Minhyuk hesitated a moment and then opened his eyes, taking in the young man in front of him. 

He was beautiful. Stunning, in fact. His torso was long and slender, as were his arms. His collar bones and hip bones were prominent but not overly so. It all fit pretty well with the mental map Minhyuk had developed of him by touch alone. Except there was one feature he hadn’t expected, a small circular scar just above his left nipple. 

“You’re so beautiful that I wanna kiss you but I’m afraid to because Nurse Yoo might come to scold me about the snowball and catch us.” The older murmured. 

“So look at me again tonight and kiss me then. Make me believe you think I’m beautiful.” Hyungwon said as casually as he could muster as he pulled on a dry shirt and grabbed his coat. His pulse was thumping in his ears. “Hurry up and get ready to come back outside.” He smiled innocently, as though he hadn’t just made Minhyuk’s heart almost leap out of his chest and start tap dancing. 

They played around in the deepening snow together after that. Minhyuk couldn’t help noticing I.M was watching them, this time from the window. The younger would glance out at them every so often. 

**Don’t concern yourself with him. He’s a jerk.**

_“So are you sometimes.”_

**I don’t like him.**

“Wait! Hold up a second!” He raised his arms and Hyungwon stopped just as he was about to hurl a snowball at him.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m gonna ask I.M if he wants to play.”

“Oh ok, I’m not sure he’ll want to, though. From what Changkyun was saying about him.”

“One way to find out.” Minhyuk shrugged and dashed inside, walking straight up to a mildly startled I.M. 

“May I help you?” The younger said sharply, narrowing his eyes as he looked up at Minhyuk. 

“Wanna come play?”

“Kids play.”

“Anyone can play. C’mon I’ll give you a free shot at me.” The older smiled widely. 

“Just leave me the fuck alone. I’m not Changkyun.” He bit. 

“I know you’re not Changkyun. You just looked like you wanted to join in.”

“Well I don’t.”

“Hhmm well if you change your mind, come on out. Oh, but grab a coat so you don’t get yelled at by Nurse Yoo.”

I.M simply scoffed and looked away.

Minhyuk conceded and returned to Hyungwon, who was starting to get anxious being outside on his own. 

Not long into their resumed snowball fight, a snowball hit Minhyuk in the back. 

Oh. That couldn’t have come from Hyungwon, he was standing in front of him. 

“Thought maybe I’d just come out and kick your asses at this, show you how it’s done.” I.M stood with another snowball already in hand and a confident smirk on his face.

“Well that counted as your free shot!” Minhyuk laughed and tossed the snowball in his hand at I.M, only for the younger to dodge it.

The three of them stayed out for hours. Right up until Nurse Yoo came to call them inside. 

“It’s nice to see you integrating with the other residents and having a little fun, I.M.” The nurse sounded almost proud. 

“Yeah, whatever.” The young man huffed, taking on his usual guarded demeanour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE:  
> Decided against showing Showki’s sex scene since they’re aren’t the main pair here and I wanted to build it up for Hyungwon and Minhyuk (also ok, maybe I’m a bit of a tease). However, if you guys do wanna see it I shall post it as like a spin-off oneshot kind of thing under the title “Yes, Nurse Yoo.” So let me know in comments if that’s something y’all might want to read! If it’s a yes I’ll try to get it out before the next chapter of this. 
> 
> ____
> 
> Next time: _“I— I want you to see me. All of me... I want you to touch me.”_  
>  And Hyungwon opens up about the cause of his PTSD.
> 
> ____
> 
>  
> 
> In other news: Thank you all for your continued support! All your comments and kudos mean a lot to me <3


	10. Cirrocumulus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to Hyungwon to make him the way he is?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING:** This chapter contains death, graphic depictions of violence, domestic abuse and contains homophobic language. This is where the traumatic event that’s haunted Hyungwon is revealed.  
> However, if you don’t want to read the graphic description, you CAN skip it without missing out on a plot point because Hyungwon later relays to Minhyuk in far less detail what happened.  
> The scene in question is written in _italics_ if you do wish to skip over it. I don’t want to cause anyone distress if these topics are triggering to them.  
> And lastly, obviously this does not reflect Hyungwon’s actual family IRL. 
> 
> (Also heads up for sexual content :D)

**Found at high altitudes and called "cloudlets," the individual cloud mounds of cirrocumulus are much smaller than that of altocumulus and stratocumulus. They are often arranged in rows and are relatively rare and are also short-lived. They can be seen during cold weather.**

 

Minhyuk was restless through lunch after being called in from the snow. He just wanted to be back outside in it. 

“You’re practically vibrating, Minhyuk.” Hyungwon giggled after swallowing a mouthful of rice. Food had become actually desirable now rather than just a means of keeping his body reasonably functional.

“I wanna go back out.”

“I don’t know where you get all the energy from. I’m exhausted. I think you even wore I.M out.” He motioned over to I.M who was sitting alone as usual, as if the snowball fight had never happened. Except he looked more sleepy rather than his usual guarded look. “Can’t believe he came out and joined in with us.”

“I’m happy he did. He was really good!” 

**I still don’t like him.**

“He throws snowballs too hard.” Hyungwon furrowed his brow slightly, picking up a piece of broccoli with his chopsticks and placing it in his mouth. 

“You move too slow to get out the way.” Minhyuk poked his tongue out mockingly. 

“Shush you. I get cold quickly.” The younger pushed out his bottom lip.

Minhyuk’s soft, loving gaze fell on him. “You made me so happy coming outside to play with me. Thank you, Hyungwon. You did so well, I’m so proud of you for being brave.”

Hyungwon blushed. “It... it was ok once I was out there with you.” He looked at the time. “I have a session right after group therapy. I’ll come out for a little later on.”

“Ok!” The older grinned and started to transfer the pieces of pickled cucumber from his plate onto Hyungwon’s as if it were radioactive. “You have these.”

“Didn’t have you down as a fussy eater.” 

Minhyuk made a face of disgust as he watched Hyungwon eat the offending food items. “I’m not, but cucumbers are fucking gross. Weird watery taste and that slimy insidey bit.” He shuddered at the thought. 

“Oh yeah?” Hyungwon put a piece into his mouth and leaned closer over the table. “Kisses?” 

“Yah! No!” Minhyuk jumped out of his seat while Hyungwon laughed and swallowed the chunk of cucumber.

 

———

 

After group therapy, Hyungwon made his way to Dr Son’s office. 

He sat in the chair opposite the desk as usual. Every time he visited, he felt slightly less uneasy. 

“I hear you’ve been outside twice and spent all morning out there today.” The doctor smiled.

“Y-Yeah.”

“And how did you find it?”

“It was kind of scary. The first time especially. But I thought Minhyuk was hurt so I made myself go out, it was ok once I did it. It’s more the thought of it that’s the problem. It’s difficult to push myself over the threshold.” Hyungwon explained.

“You should be proud of yourself. You’ve made some big steps forward. You’re tackling your agoraphobia, you’ve been eating properly and you seem much happier in yourself. How are the nightmares?”

“They’re still bad. But they’re much easier to deal with when Minhyuk is there.”

“I could give you some medication to try and help. It’s usually prescribed to patients suffering with insomnia and I know that isn’t really your issue as such but it causes a dreamless sleep in many people. The main drawback is it’s not a very restful restful sleep, more like unconsciousness, really. Perhaps it would offer you respite, though? Another side effect someone such as yourself could suffer from is sleepwalking.” Dr Son felt strongly about patients making their own decisions as far as they were able. Autonomy was important. 

A break sounded nice but the sleep walking, not so much. He also supposed if it wasn’t proper sleep, what was the point in the end? He’d just end up tired and lethargic, something he already slipped into easily. “I’ll leave it for now...”

“Let me know if you change your mind.” Dr Son paused for a moment. “Considering your progress, do you think you may be able to talk a little about what happened with your mother?”

No. No, he still couldn’t. It was still a big awful thing in his head he was afraid to think about. Like a monster sitting in the corner of the room he always had to avoid looking at and never get too close to. 

“No.” Hyungwon looked down. He felt like a failure. 

“Hey, it’s ok. All I’m good time.”

All in good time? Time was a finite resource, though. “But every day I run out of time! I want to be normal!” Hyungwon stood abruptly, frustration suddenly bubbling over.

The doctor blinked in surprise at the outburst. “It’s ok Hyungwon. You’ll talk about it when you’re ready.”

“Why can’t I just be ready?! I try! I really do! I try to think about it but I can’t because the pain and horror just come back and I’m just not strong enough!” Angry tears rolled down his cheeks.

Dr Son stood slowly and rounded the desk, placing a hand on Hyungwon’s shoulder slowly and calmly. “Hyungwon, I know you’re frustrated. Please cut yourself some slack. Please think about where you were when you came here and where you are now. You’ve turned things around in a pretty short time. This is a process and it can be a long one. But we will get you there, no matter how long it takes.”

Hyungwon calmed slowly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell, it isn’t like me.”

“Let’s talk about something else, shall we? How’s Minhyuk? Still being a reasonably good roommate?” The doctor smiled. 

“Yeah... I don’t think I’d have made it this far without him.” Hyungwon slowly sank back into his seat. His mind flashed to how he’d gotten changed in front of Minhyuk a few hours ago and what they’d gotten up to together. Part of him was a little paranoid he doctor could somehow read his mind. 

“I’m glad to hear it.” The doctor returned to his own seat. “How is he?”

“He seems to get this far off look sometimes. I assume it’s him talking to the voice in his head. But lately he looks sad when it happens. He seems like his thoughts and emotions change on a dime so it’s hard to tell what’s normal for him, really. But the sad looks only started recently so I was a little worried, actually.”

“I see. Well yes, he does tend to have rapidly changing moods sometimes and he can become emotional quickly. It’s something he’s working on. Would you inform myself or a nurse if you notice a low mood being persistent?”

“Of course.”

For the rest of the session they covered faulty thinking. Negative thoughts that have no evidence to back them up in reality. All the fun stuff Hyungwon had always hated hearing. Except, the way Dr Son put things and his calm friendly demeanour somehow made things make a little more sense to him.

Or maybe it was different because now he had someone to get better for. Someone who told him things that contradicted his negative image of himself.

 

———

 

Hyungwon did go back outside, but this time they just built snowmen. Well, Hyungwon made a snowman, Minhyuk made a snow pyramid for some reason. The younger didn't question it, he just enjoyed how pleased with his creation Minhyuk was, having replicated the Great Pyramid of Giza in snow. Because, why not? Sadly they were called back inside before he could complete work on his Sphinx. 

When they returned to their room that evening, Hyungwon’s own words rang in his ears. _“So look at me again tonight and kiss me then. Make me believe you think I’m beautiful.”_ He swallowed hard, heart palpitations fluttering in his chest nervously. What he said still stood. But now it felt real. 

“Minhyuk? W-Will you undress me?” He said suddenly. 

Minhyuk’s eyes widened as he looked at him. “You meant what you said before?”

Hyungwon nodded.

The older stepped closer, their bodies only separated by enough space for his hands to tug loosely on the front of Hyungwon’s t-shirt. “Are you sure?”

Hyungwon nodded again. 

Minhyuk wasn’t short. In fact, he was a little over average height. The height difference between himself and Hyungwon wasn't much, just a couple of centimetres. But standing like this, the difference was enough that he had to crane his head up a little for his lips to meet Hyungwon’s. 

A detail Hyungwon noticed, smiling into the kiss. 

“Laughing at me?” Minhyuk didn’t pull away to speak, licking at Hyungwon’s lower lip after he spoke. 

“You’re cute.” Hyungwon parted his lips, allowing Minhyuk to slip his tongue inside. 

Their kiss only broke for Minhyuk to pull off his own t-shirt. They stared at each other, catching their breath while Hyungwon took in the expanse of tanned skin in front of him. 

“I— I want you to see me. All of me... I want you to touch me.” The taller murmured. 

“Are you sure?” Minhyuk checked. He had to keep checking, continually looking for feedback that it was ok. 

“Please. I want to stop being afraid and I trust you more than anyone.”

Minhyuk curled his fingers around the hem of Hyungwon’s shirt. “You can change your mind any time.” He slowly pulled the material up off the younger’s body.

“Keep going.”

“Me first.” Minhyuk slipped out of his own cotton trousers, leaving himself in his underwear. He didn’t give Hyungwon long to admire before he was kissing the brunette again, lips trailing all the way down his neck to his chest, tongue licking the small circular scar on his chest before moving back up to his throat.

Hyungwon swallowed thickly when he licked the scar. He hated that scar so much. His ex boyfriend had put it there. A cigarette burn from when he was drunk and tried to get Hyungwon to let him fuck him but the smell of alcohol had given him a flashback. His then-boyfriend had pinned him down and pushed the end of his lit cigarette against his skin to snap him out of it. There were kinder ways he could have gone about it. 

He came back to himself when Minhyuk’s thumbs hooked in his waistband and pulled the material down. He felt it drop right down his slim legs and stepped out of the pooled material. 

Minhyuk looked down at Hyungwon, exposed other than his underwear. Slim elegant legs on show. “I really don’t understand why you can’t see how perfect you are.” 

“I wish I saw myself through your eyes.”

“Tell me what you want, Hyungwon.”

“You always only do what I say I want. What about you? What do you want?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want.” Minhyuk slipped his hands around to Hyungwon’s lower back and kissed his shoulder and neck again.

Hyungwon let out a small moan at the sensual feeling on his neck. “Of course it does.”

**What do you want?**

“It’s about you.” Minhyuk said simply.

“It’s about both of us. Please, Min. Tell me what you want and if it’s something I don’t feel ready for yet I’ll tell you, promise. I just want to know.” Because he didn’t just want to be the one to take.

“I... I want to touch and taste you all over and... I wanna make love to you. I want you inside me or I wanna be in you. Don’t care which, I just want you. I know you aren’t ready for that so more realistically I’d really like it if you fingered me but we can’t right now because I don’t want to do that without lube... So right now, I just want to make you come in my mouth.” Minhyuk babbled, words tumbling out.

**Make love? That’s right, you won’t call it fucking him, will you? That sounds dirty and crass. He’s beautiful and precious.**

“O-On one condition.” Hyungwon felt his face burning up.

“Anything.”

“You let me return the favour, ok? I want to make you feel good, too.”

The older nodded “Ok.” He kissed Hyungwon again and guided him over to his bed, laying him down and crawling up his long body.

As he laid there on the mattress with Minhyuk over him, Hyungwon felt exposed... but safe. 

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“Min...”

Minhyuk kissed tenderly over Hyungwon’s torso in random patterns. “You deserve to be told every day how gorgeous you are. So perfect. So wonderful. Inside and out.” His hands met with Hyungwon’s underwear. “Can I?”

Hyungwon huffed out a breathless laugh. “Go ahead, I’m far less conscious about my dick than the rest of my body. That’s weird, right?” He removed his glasses and reached to put them safely on the small table next to the bed. 

**You, on the other hand, are only conscious of your dick. Because the size is fine but it’s slow to react and sometimes it doesn’t even work at all.**

Minhyuk giggled, pulling Hyungwon’s underwear away. “You shouldn’t be conscious of it anyway, Mother Nature was kind to you when they were giving out dick sizes.” 

**He’s hard, you aren’t. His body acts like a normal man in his twenties.**

“You say such embarrassing things.” Hyungwon covered his face with his arm, letting Minhyuk remove his underpants. He felt the bed shifting as the older stripped himself of the last of his own underwear and Hyungwon removed his arm from over his eyes to see. “Oh God, Min. You look gorgeous. No wonder you aren’t embarrassed about nakedness.”

“You shouldn’t be, either. You’re taking my breath away.” He kissed down Hyungwon’s flat stomach.

“I really want you, Minhyuk.” Hyungwon said shakily, hips writhing with anticipation, erection desperate for attention.

“Even your voice is beautiful.” He kissed his body so lovingly and tenderly like Hyungwon was something to be treasured and worshiped. “Tell me to stop if it’s too much. If you get anxious.” With that, he took Hyungwon’s length into his mouth. 

“Oh god.” Hyungwon groaned and tilted is head back as the wet warmth slid down his shaft.

This felt different to every blowjob Minhyuk had ever given. Hyungwon wasn’t being rough, he was keeping his hips still and wasn’t pulling painfully on his hair or pushing his head down. Minhyuk didn’t feel cheap. He didn’t feel like a glorified sex toy. Didn’t feel used or unclean. 

He rubbed his tongue over the head each time he sank down and sucked slightly on the upstroke. The low sensual moans it elicited from Hyungwon spurred him on. That, and the way he younger’s stomach tightened and relaxed and is thigh muscles clenched. 

He hummed around the heavy cock in his mouth when he felt a careful hand in his hair, fingertips sliding down and pressing soothingly over the nape of his neck intermittently. 

Hyungwon didn't dare glance down at the other because he’d probably come the instant he saw that pretty mouth wrapped around his cock. Shit, Minhyuk really knew what he was doing. He could already feel himself drawing embarrassingly close to release, one hand was twisted in he sheets as he other played with Minhyuk’s hair. He needed some way to distract himself from instinctively moving his hips. Such sweet torture. 

“Min... so good.” He panted and bit back onto his lower lip to stifle an especially loud moan when he felt the other swallow around him and the head of his cock against the back of his throat. 

Minhyuk swallowed again against his gag reflex and groaned at the praise. He reached down and stroked himself, thankfully he was starting to get heard. Maybe he’d spare himself embarrassment. 

“Minhyuk, I’m so close...”

“Mmmhmmm” Minhyuk hummed around him, desperately wanting to taste his come filling his mouth. 

Hyungwon felt himself topple over the edge, using all his self control to stop himself from bucking his hips up as he released himself into Minhyuk’s waiting mouth. “Aahh Minhyuk~”

The older moaned as he swallowed every drop before pulling off with a wet ‘pop’. Eyes glazed over with want and lust. “Hyungwon... taste so good.” His vioce sounded rough and the slightly raspy quality was enhanced. 

Hyungwon took a moment to catch his breath and pulled him up into a passionate deep kiss, not minding the salty taste of himself on his tongue. 

“Let me take care of you.” Hyungwon rolled them both over so that he was straddling Minhyuk’s body. If Minhyuk wasn't looking at him so hungrily, he might feel a little uncomfortably exposed sitting on top of him like this. 

“Hyungwon... You look so hot from here.”

“I don’t mind if you move your hips but don’t thrust into my mouth or anything. I don’t have much of a gag reflex but I might panic if I can’t breathe.” And frankly, he didn’t really like having his throat fucked, anyway. 

**You’re still only at half mast, even though he came in your mouth and you fucking loved it. He’ll think you don’t want him.**

“I won’t. I promise. I just— sorry I’m not all the way hard yet. I promise it’s not because I don’t want you.” Minhyuk bit his lower lip anxiously. He looked self conscious, something that looked strange and unnatural on him. 

“I know it takes a little longer for you to get there because of your medication.” Hyungwon scooted back and settled between his legs. He pushed Minhyuk’s knees up a little and kissed over his inner thighs slowly, the sensation sending tingles through the other’s body. “I’ll get you there.”

“Mmmh can I touch your hair?” Because he needed to occupy at least one of his hands. 

“Yes.” Hyungwon licked the skin of his thigh a little. “What I want to do might leave some marks. Is that ok?”

“Yes.” Minhyuk let his eyes slip closed, just enjoying the sensation of tentative lips and flicks of tongue against his skin as he carded his fingers through soft brunette hair. 

Hyungwon guided the older’s knees up a little more for better access. He was taking his time and teasing him, lips and tongue seeking out the most sensitive parts of his thighs, judging Minhyuk’s reactions. He paid attention to the soft whimpers the moans and the way his muscles tightened and relaxed. When he found a sensitive spot, he’d suck on it slightly.

He loved Minhyuk’s thighs. They felt so tactile and were thick but firm from near-constant activity. He even loved running his tongue over the slightly altered texture of the small pale wavy lines contrasting against his otherwise tanned skin tone. Little stretch marks. So perfect. 

It didn’t take much of this for Minhyuk’s body to start getting hot and tingly all over. Nobody had ever done anything like this to him before. Nobody had ever taken their time to make him feel good like this. His breaths became heavy, panting with need. It was like Hyungwon was turning on every nerve in his body. After a few more minutes it had him fully hard. 

Suddenly Minhyuk felt Hyungwon’s tongue lick lightly up along the underside of his shaft. It felt so good, he could have cried. Warm breath ghosted over dampened skin. A few more long licks followed and Minhyuk might die if Hyungwon doesn’t put his whole mouth around him soon. 

“Hyungwon, please.” He whined. 

“Tell me what you want.” He wanted to hear that he wanted him. 

“I want your mouth on me.” Was he allowed to want that? Was this ok?

Hyungwon wrapped his lips around the tip first, teasing a little more, before taking him in all the way. Hyungwon was pleased to realise his gag reflex was still as essentially nonexistent as ever. He hadn’t done this for a while.

“Fuck!” Minhyuk’s hips twitched upwards and the younger hummed, assuring him it was ok.

Hyungwon hollowed his cheeks, bobbing along Minhyuk’s erection at a good pace. He found he enjoyed the weight on is tongue but what he really loved was how Minhyuk was losing himself to the pleasure. He listened to the loud gasping moans. 

“Hyungwon! Sssso good...” Minhyuk arched his back, he feeling of the other’s mouth around him was driving him insane. There was probably irony somewhere in the word ‘insane’, all things considered. 

Hyungwon’s hands explored more than Minhyuk’s had dared to. One gently gripped his thigh, fingertips kneading slightly into the firm softness. The other wandered up and down Minhyuk’s flank, feeling the smooth skin and curve of his waist. 

Hyungwon felt wanted as he heard his name moaned into the air of the room, it made him feel brave. 

“G-Gonna come, oh god, Hyungwon.” Minhyuk choked out. 

Hyungwon increased his pace until he felt him spill hot come over his tongue to the tone of his name being moaned unashamedly loudly. He swallowed the salty fluid and licked Minhyuk clean. 

They tangled their tired, sweaty limbs around each other, catching their breath lazily. 

“I think I love you.” Drifted from Minhyuk’s lips without his already thin brain/mouth filter being able to stop it. He tensed up when he realised what he said.

The pause until Hyungwon spoke seemed like it lasted forever. 

“I think I may have fallen in love with you, too.” Hyungwon leaned over and pressed their lips tenderly together. 

Thats’s how they fell asleep, tangled up in each other and damp naked skin pressed flush together. 

 

_______________

 

The following day, Minhyuk sat at lunch, lost in conversation with the voice in his head while Hyungwon and Changkyun talked. 

**If you want him you’ll need lube. You should know how inadequate saliva is. It makes it hurt. The friction is too much.**

_“But where am I supposed to get lube from? Can’t exactly ask Hoseok or Dr Son for that.”_ Minhyuk thought, rolling his eyes. 

**They will probably have medical lube in the med bay.**

_“Hmmm, you’re right.”_ Minhyuk thought and quickly got up from the table, making both Changkyun and Hyungwon jolt in surprise mid-conversation. 

“Everything ok, Min?” Hyungwon frowned, worried. 

“Yep! I’ll see you later.” And with that, he disappeared off to find Nurse Yoo. 

The nurse was talking with another member of staff when Minhyuk found him. “Nurse Yoo, my tummy really hurts. I was vomiting all morning. I think I’m dying.” He pouted pathetically. He wasn’t a good liar but he was a good trickster. 

The nurse narrowed his eyes a little. Minhyuk looked mostly fine. Apparently his sly ways weren’t enough to make up for his lack of lying ability with Nurse Yoo, because he didn’t seem entirely convinced. “Alright, come to the medical bay.” Nurse Yoo sighed and lead the way.

In the medical bay he sat up on the examination table without even being asked to. 

“Open your mouth for me.” Nurse Yoo took out a thermometer. 

Minhyuk opened his mouth and let the thing be placed under his tongue. 

“Keep it there until it beeps. Have you vomited any blood?”

Minhyuk nodded quickly. At least it was easier to lie when he couldn’t open his mouth. 

“Where exactly is the pain?”

The thermometer beeped and Minhyuk took the thing out if his mouth, handing it over. “My stomach. I told you.”

The display read as 36.8*C. Perfectly normal. “Could you point to where it is? Lay down for me.”

Minhyuk lay down on the examination table and pointed to the middle of his tummy. “Everywhere.”

“Everywhere? Right.” At this point he was thoroughly convinced Minhyuk was up to something. “Can I feel your abdomen, please?” But he had to make sure. 

“Go for it.”

Nurse Yoo put on a pair of latex gloves and pressed his hands over Minhyuk’s abdomen, checking for anything untoward. No tender spots. No distension. Nothing concerning at all. He stepped back and snapped off his gloves, tossing them in the trash. “You’re grinning like an idiot, Minhyuk. What’s your game? Why are you pretending to be unwell?” He stood back and folded his arms sternly. 

“Fiiiiine. You got me. I was gonna wait til you turned your back and swipe some medical lube.”

“Why on earth would you want that?”

“Have you never tried jacking off a couple times every day without any kind of lubrication going on? I can’t do it in the shower because it isn’t private and I can’t just use spit because my meds sometimes make my mouth really dry. I might have friction burns on my dick. Could you check?” He didn’t have to be a good liar if the lie was something considered embarrassing or socially shocking. This is where his trickster mind came into play. 

**Psh, you wish you could get it up enough to jerk off that much.**

“Oh for goodness sake Minhyuk I’m not checking your di—“ he stopped to correct himself. “—penis.”

“Also I wanna finger myself and I need lube for that for sure.”

“Stop! Just take it and get out.” He grabbed a tube of aqua gel and tossed it at Minhyuk. “You better not be doing that around Hyungwon, you’ll scar him for life.”

**Oh, if only you knew, Nurse Yoo.**

“Oh I’m very discreet, Nurse Yoo. I’m only human, though. I have needs.”

“Just go.” Nurse Yoo rubbed his temples. 

“Do you wanna give me a prostate exam while I’m here and we have lube?” Minhyuk cackled.

“Out!”

He jumped up and bounded off out of the room. “Thank you Nurse Yoo!”

When Minhyuk spotted Hyungwon, he was thankfully alone in his usual corner with a book. 

“Look what I got from the medical bay! I went there saying my stomach was killing me.” Minhyuk held open his pocket so Hyungwon could look in and see the tube of lube. 

“You faked illness so you could get lube?” Hyungwon blushed a the connotations such an item had. 

“Yep! Got busted but Nurse Yoo gave it to me anyways because I said I needed it to masturbate with because I had friction burn on my dick and wanted to finger myself.”

“Oh my god I envy your lack of shame, I really do.” Hyungwon buried his face in the book out of second hand embarrassment. “But I think I’m feeling the embarrassment on your behalf.”

“But remember I didn’t get this to put pressure on you or anything. Like, just so we have it if we want it!”

“I certainly admire your resourcefulness.” Hyungwon stifled a laugh, reddened face still hidden behind his book as he imagined the look on Nurse Yoo’s face.

 

____________  
____________

 

Over the following days, things must have been going too well for Hyungwon because the universe decided to throw him quite the curve ball.

Hyungwon hadn’t suffered any flashbacks, aside from his nightmares, for a long while. And so, when one suddenly struck him, it was as shocking as it was terrifying. 

It happened as he stood at the top of the staircase which lead to the cafeteria and common area, he was suddenly back in the place where it all happened. His stomach lurched violently as he stared at the visceral grotesque vision at the bottom of the staircase. The sound of bone and flesh breaking rang in his ears. 

Everything was spinning and he felt unsteady on his feet. 

He fell forward, legs giving in. As he did, someone grabbed him from behind before he could topple down the stairs. 

He whirled around to defend himself against whoever it was, almost falling again but they kept their grip on him. 

“Whoa Hyungwon!” It was Hoseok. He pulled him away from the staircase. 

Hyungwon struggled violently against him, still trapped inside his own head. “Please don’t!” He looked absolutely terrified. 

“Hyungwon, I’m just trying to keep you safe. It’s ok. You’re safe. It’s me, Hoseok.”

“Stop!” 

“Hyungwon I’m sorry I can’t let you go just yet. I need you to calm down first. Ok?” Hoseok wrapped his arms around him to keep him still.

It took a few minutes but eventually Hyungwon came out of it and crumpled to the floor, slipping through Hoseok’s arms and sobbing. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I thought I was back there. I thought you were my dad.” 

“It’s ok.” He rubbed Hyungwon’s back to try and calm him. 

“I-I want to see Dr Son.” Because enough was enough.

“He’s with another patient right now but he can probably see you right after. I’ll take you along there”

He trailed along behind Hoseok. This reminded him of when he first arrived here. He felt just as jumpy and skittish as he had been then. Especially as he sat outside to wait his turn. He was thankful that Hoseok stayed with him, he didn't want to be alone. 

Fortunately, before he could change his mind about this, the previous patient walked out of the office. As fate would have it, the patient was I.M, judging by the high shoulders and hard look he gave Hyungwon as he passed. 

Hoseok excused himself and went into the office for a few minutes, leaving Hyungwon alone with his thoughts. 

He couldn't do this. 

He just couldn't. 

But he had to. He had to do it otherwise he’d be stuck living the hell he was in. Bouncing between barely functional and being a complete mess. This was the thing that was stopping him. 

“You can go in.” Hoseok said softly as he came back outside. 

Hyungwon swallowed and went inside. He hesitated before closing the door behind himself. 

“Hoseok said you had a flashback at the staircase.” The doctor spoke gently. 

“I did. I— I want to talk about what happened with my mother.” He stood there rigidly.

“Why now?”

“Because I think I’m ready. I want to get better... and that event is what’s stopping me from healing. I want to be able to live a life. I don’t want to exist in constant fear. I want to be ok and I want to be there for— for someone.”

“Come and sit and we’ll talk. Would it feel less intimidating if there weren’t this desk between us?”

Hyungwon nodded and the doctor stood and dragged his own chair around the desk and placed it near the one for Hyungwon. He sat and motioned to the empty chair. “I’m listening. Take your time. We can stop whenever you like.”

Hyungwon sat, arms wrapped around himself for comfort. Safety? “My dad... he was always violent. For as long as I could remember. Especially when he’d been drinking. He would throw my mother around like she was some kind of rag doll. She was terrified of him. He’d hit me, too. If I was stupid enough to be in his line of sight. But it was usually her being smacked around. Until... he found out I’d been caught kissing another boy at school...”

 

~ (see warning at beginning of chapter) ~

 

_Hyungwon was fourteen when he had his first kiss. Another boy in his class. Some other kids found them kissing behind the equipment shed._

_That alone was bad enough. He was relentlessly taunted for it._

_He hadn’t imagined his father would find out. But he worked with the father of one of the boys who caught them kissing._

_When his dad got home from the bar he’d always visit after work, he marched straight to Hyungwon’s bedroom._

_“No son of mine is gonna be a fucking faggot!” Hyungwon barely had time to react before his father was dragging him up off the bed by the front of his t-shirt. His breath smelled like beer and soju. Hyungwon hated the smell of alcohol because of the association with pain and misery._

_“I-I’m not!”_

_“Bullshit! I heard about you kissing that boy at school!” He was furious._

_“I didn’t! I swear!” Hyungwon struggled._

_“Now you’re a liar, too!?” He threw Hyungwon up against the wall so hard his vision went fuzzy from the impact for a moment. “One fucking disappointment after another.” A punch landed on Hyungwon’s face, breaking his glasses and sending them flying to the floor._

_“Please stop!” Came his mother’s hysterical voice._

_“You stay out of this, you stupid bitch. This is your fault. Too much of a mama’s boy.”_

_Another punch. Hyungwon tasted blood filling his mouth._

_“Leave him alone! Please!” She had never stood up to him before. Always too afraid to speak out of line._

_He was yanked away from the wall and thrown forcefully down onto the floor._

_An impact against the side of his rib cage. Then another. He felt his bones yield, something cracked and a sharp pain took his breath away. He looked up to see his father looming over him and then his mother doing the unthinkable. The tiny woman pulled at the man with all her strength._

_“Hyungwon, get out of the house! Run!” She used all the strength in her frail body to pull her husband away, scratching at him with her bitten down fingernails to give her son the chance to escape._

_Hyungwon pulled himself to his feet and rushed past as fast as he could manage. Every movement created a clicking and grinding in the side of his chest, every breath sending stabs of pain along it. At least one rib must have been broken._

_“He’s a child!” He heard her practically scream._

_“Let go you stupid bitch!”_

_He only made it to the top of the stairs before he was being pulled back violently after hearing a scream and a thud from his room._

_“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?!” His father bellowed right into his face as his grip tightened around Hyungwon’s throat._

_Hyungwon struggled, kicking and twisting his pain wracked body. But he was weak and the world was starting to blur and grow dark at the edges as his lungs burned for air. He almost lapsed into unconsciousness when the grip around his throat was gone. His mother had smashed his father over the head with a lamp from his room._

_His dad didn’t go down. He just released Hyungwon and stumbled to the side a bit._

_Hyungwon saw her face, lip and eyebrow bleeding. Blood spilling over her old bruises that never had the chance to fully heal._

_What happened next happened so fast yet somehow in slow motion at the same time. Everything both cloudy and vivid._

_His dad pushed her, sending her tumbling down the staircase._

_The staircase was steep and with hard faux marble floor at the bottom. Hyungwon could practically feel every single step she hit on the way down and the sound her skull made when it smashed against the floor at the bottom would haunt almost every waking moment and seep into his nightmares for years._

_The sound was a harsh wet crack._

_A pool of blood quickly expanded rapidly around her head, soaking her hair_

_She was moving slightly, limbs twitching._

_Hyungwon’s stomach jumped like it was trying to escape by any means necessary.._

_Then he was pushed, too._

_He tumbled down the staircase and landed on top of her, face to face with her. Her blood shot eyes with blown pupils staring into nothing and limbs still twitching oddly. There was a gurgling sound coming from her while blood dripped from her nose and ears._

_The blood from her nose looked thinner and more watered down. An odd detail to notice. Cerebrospinal fluid, as he’d later learn. Common in cases of severe head trauma, especially in the base of the skull._

_Hyungwon couldn’t move. Couldn’t get away. He was frozen. He couldn’t even close his eyes to shut it all out._

_He didn’t remember the police arriving._

_He just vaguely remembered someone shining lights into his eyes in the back of an ambulance and someone talking to him. But the words didn’t register. It just sounded like white noise._

_In fact, the next few days were a muffled blur. He wasn’t even sure how long he was in the hospital or how many times he had to relive what happened, explaining to police officers. Faces didn’t register, the things people said floated past his head._

_“Traumatised.”_

_“Poor kid.”_

_“Terrible.”_

_“Multiple fractures.”_

_“Soft tissue damage.”_

_“She would have died almost instantly.”_

_“Tell us again.”_

_“You need to tell us exactly what happened.”_

_“Then what happened?”_

_“Who provoked who?”_

_“Kid, are you listening?”_

_“Why didn’t she ask for help?”_

_“Someone get him some water.”_

_“You’ll be living with your grandparents now.”_

_“If it wasn’t for you...”_

_“Were it not for you...”_

_“If you hadn’t made him angry...”_

_“If you hadn’t been the way you are...”_

_“...She would still be here.”_

 

~ (end of scene) ~

 

———

 

Hyungwon felt a little dazed as he wandered back to his room. He was glad he finally faced it but it had left him emotionally raw and rained. He’d cried all over the doctor’s expensive looking suit and taken up hours of his time. 

He’d missed breakfast and lunch but he wasn't hungry. He didn’t want to have to deal with people, anyway. 

So he just curled up on his bed, hugging his knees and staring at the wall for the remainder of he day, not even moving when he heard the door open and close as Hoseok cast an eye to check on him.

The door opened and closed again a few hours later.

“Hoseok said I have to be quiet because you’re probably upset.” Minhyuk’s voice. He sounded heartbroken.

“Sorry. I talked about what caused my PTSD with Dr Son and I didn’t feel like seeing people after. So I’ve been here.”

“Do you want me to go? I’ll sleep in a one person room that’s free if you don’t want to see people.” He sounded like he was going to cry.

“No. Please stay.” Hyungwon rolled over onto his back and reached out his arms. Minhyuk took the invitation, joining him on the bed and pulling him into a tight hug. “You sound sad, Min.”

“I am, because you’re upset.” 

“I’ll be ok. It’s a good thing that I talked about it. I haven’t talked about it since it happened.” 

“What happened?” Minhyuk asked in a small voice.

“...My dad killed my mother. He found out I was gay and was beating me and choking me... she was just trying to protect me. H-He pushed her down the stairs and she shattered her skull at the bottom.” Hyungwon sniffled, fresh tears falling. “He pushed me after her and she broke my landing. I got away with only two broken ribs, broken collar bone and dislocated shoulder.”

**The hell some people live.**

“Hyungwon...” Minhyuk had no idea what to say. 

**He said she loved him too much. This is what he meant. She died because she tried to protect him. Because she loved him.**

“He went to jail and I was sent to live with my grandparents. Th-They lost a daughter and got landed with me. It was my fault. My grandfather can’t even look me in the eye to this day.”

“It wasn’t your fault...” Minhyuk knew what it was like to be blamed for things. He was blamed for his dad running off and just about every misfortune in his family. He was always a problem to everyone. 

“If I hadn’t kissed that other boy I wouldn’t have been caught. Then my dad wouldn’t have found out. She gave me life and then she saved it and died in the process. And here I’ve wasted the life she gifted me twice. Too fucking scared to function like a normal person. I don’t want to waste it anymore. I want to live, Min.” He was suddenly so fucking angry with himself. 

“You will.”

Hyungwon didn’t say anything in response. Instead, he pulled back and crushed their lips together harshly. 

**He’s crying.**

Minhyuk twisted away from the kiss. “Hyungwon.”

“Touch me. Take off my clothes. You can fuck me. Show me what I’ve been missing out on.” Hyungwon’s words were trembling. “Make me live. Force me to just act like a normal person.”

“No.”

“Why not?” The younger sounded desperate. 

“Because you’re crying. You’re upset. I don’t— I don’t think we should if you’re upset. I don’t want to.”

“Please. Use that lube and just fucking have me. Let me be good for something!”

**This is sad to see.**

_“He doesn’t want it.”_

“No.” Minhyuk frowned. “But I will hold you and not let go.” He pulled Hyungwon back against him, letting the younger cry into his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry...”

“Don’t be sorry. You’ll live a life and it’ll be amazing but right now you’re upset and it’s ok.” Minhyuk sniffled, eyes starting to well up. “You’re making me cry.”

“Sorry Min...” Hyungwon burrowed his face in against him, embarrassed of his outburst.

“I don’t mind sharing some of your tears. I’ll cry them for you.”

“Why should you have to bare my burden? It isn’t fair on you.” Hyungwon’s voice was so small Minhyuk could barely hear him. 

“Because I love you and sometimes if things are too heavy to carry, you should let someone help you take the weight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was a rollercoaster huh?? I am actually nervous about how this chapter will be received ^^; I did try to strike a balance so it wasn’t just one big massively depressing read!
> 
> You may have also noticed the total number of chapters increase from 13 to 14. This is because this chapter ended up massive and I had to cut a big chunk out of the end and move it to the next chapter (and it’s still just shy of 7000 words) and it kind of had a knock-on effect. 
> 
>  
> 
> Next time: Changkyun gets a note, Minhyuk gets a visitor and Dr Son gets a phone call.
> 
> _____
> 
> In other news: Took me twice as long to go through and proof read this chapter because I left my glasses on top of my locker at work haha! 
> 
> Also, I am SO into Manitto by Villain right now, it’s basically playing on a loop with a handful of other songs while I’m proofing this and while I was writing “Yes, Nurse Yoo” (a missing showki sex scene from this story which went up a couple of days ago if you wanna check it out!).


	11. Supercell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad news looms and Changkyun and I.M open their lines of communication.  
> All thins die and there’s an ending to all things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Descriptions of depression and loss. Also contains an episode of sleep paralysis.

**Supercells are large scale thunderclouds with a deep, persistently rotating updraft. This is called a mesocyclone. They can dominate the local weather over an area up to 32 kilometres and can spawn funnel clouds which can in turn become tornados. They can have either low or high precipitation, depending on climate.**

 

 

It was a relief for Hyungwon to finally be able to talk about what happened. It didn’t mean the nightmares stopped, though. Dr Son had warned him they may even get worse for a few days. 

And so, of course, Hyungwon found himself stuck inside a world of terror again that night. Terror which bled out from his sleep and into his conscious state. As usual in his nightmare he was right back at the bottom of those stairs with his dead mother’s face directly in front of his eyes. A far more gory version than even in reality, more blood and her face horribly contorted. He was trying to get away but he was being pushed and held down by an invisible force. 

There were people laughing in the background. Hundreds of voices. Mocking him and his fear. 

_“This isn’t real. This is a nightmare. Let me out.”_

At some point he woke up, maybe not entirely but awake enough to be aware he was in bed but the fear persisted, uncertain if he really was awake or not.

_“I’m not there.”_

His pulse was racing and deafeningly loud in his ears. He wanted to open his eyes and see Minhyuk there next to him but he couldn’t. 

_“I can’t move.”_

There was a presence still there with him and it wasn’t Minhyuk. He didn’t know if he was too scared to open his eyes or if he just physically couldn’t. 

_“Am I still asleep? Fuck, it’s still here it’s still here.”_

He was choking. He couldn’t breathe. 

_“It isn’t real. I’m in bed with Minhyuk and it’s just us. This isn’t real. This isn’t real.”_

He tried talking himself down but his mind was bringing back the sensations of cicadas trying to crawl down his throat and choke him. He needed to open his eyes and see there was nothing there. He needed to move. 

Then finally he was able to move his arm and then open his eyes. The panic still sitting inside his chest and rattling his ribs like bars of a cage. He turned to his side and saw Minhyuk laying there, sleeping peacefully and illuminated just enough by the light from around the door. 

At rest. So calm. So serene. So beautiful.

Hyungwon’s heart rate calmed steadily. He became very aware of being drenched in sweat again but he didn’t want to move. He’d apologise to Minhyuk in the morning for drowning him in sweat again. He didn’t have the heart to wake the slumbering beauty. 

He reached out carefully with a still shaky hand and moved some of the hair off the older’s forehead. He was such a precious gift in Hyungwon’s life. Something worth trying for. 

 

______________

 

It was 4:30am when Kihyun’s phone rang next to him, waking him up. He sleepily fumbled with the damn thing.

“Uh ‘llo?” He rubbed his eyes, trying to wake himself a little more. Who the ever loving fuck was calling at this hour?

“Kihyun? I’m sorry for calling you at this hour and I’m afraid it’s work related.” It was Hyunwoo’s voice on the other end. 

“Hyunwoo? What’s wrong?” He sat up, suddenly more awake because he had a horrible feeling what this was about. 

“She’s dead. Minhyuk’s mother. Her doctor just called me to inform me she’d passed away a few hours ago.”

“Shit.” Kihyun knew it was coming but he’d hoped he’d have gotten Minhyuk to be able to see her before it happened. The world was so relentlessly unfair. 

“How do I tell him, Ki? She was all he had.” Hyunwoo sounded emotional. He cared. 

“I’ll tell him, if you like.”

“I’m not gonna put that on you, Ki.”

“He knows me better than he knows you, he sees me a lot more. I think it should come from me.” Kihyun knew how hard the doctor found it to deliver bad news. It probably was better that he tell Minhyuk, anyway. 

“Only if you’re sure...”

“I am.” Not that he was exactly looking forward to it. 

“I’ll increase his SSRIs by 20mg and I think it would be good to consider keeping a very close eye on him. Things like this can trigger a psychotic episode, as you know.” Hyunwoo sighed. 

“Should we move him to an observation room? I’m more worried about suicidal thoughts or actions than psychosis in the immediate aftermath.”

“I think if anything it would be better if he isn’t alone without Hyungwon. We should leave them together because they’re close and I think taking him away from that support would only make things worse.”

That made sense, actually. “He’s going to be completely devastated by this...” He’d come so far. 

“I know...”

Kihyun rubbed his temple. “He’s getting a visit from Jooheon in the morning. I’ll tell him after that. Fuck. I’m kicking you out of your office for it, though. I might be in there for a while with him.”

“Take it for as long as you need. I can use the nursing office.”

“Ah good, that’ll mean Jaehyo won’t be able to hide in there and pretend to be busy.” Kihyun rolled his eyes at the thought. 

“I hate that I’m putting this on you, Ki.” 

“It’s fine. I’m sure you’ll make it up to me somehow. Use your imagination.”

“Oh I’m sure I can think of something I can do for you.” Hyunwoo breathed out a little laugh.

“Remember when you said you wouldn’t let my feet touch the floor if I told you to carry me around?” Kihyun licked over his lips at the thought. 

“I do.”

“Maybe you can make good on that. My feet are usually killing me by Saturday and neither of us are working that day.”

“Then your feet won’t touch the floor on Saturday.”

 

________________

 

When Minhyuk walked into the visitor’s room, there was Jooheon. Standing and waiting for him. He looked good. Healthy and happy. 

“Honey!” He ran and threw himself at Jooheon, almost knocking him over. “I missed you sooo bad! What’s it like being out? Are you happy? Are you eating right? Is everything ok?” He gasped suddenly. “You dyed your hair! You’re blonde!”

Jooheon laughed. “Let up on me a bit, I can’t breathe.”

“Sorry!” He released him. 

“It’s weird but good being out so yes I’m happy and I’m eating right. Everything’s going great but I missed your stupid face, too. And yes, I wanted a change so I dyed my hair. New hair new me and all that jazz.”

“I’m so happy that you’re happy and doing good! Oh my god I’m even more happy because you visited me like you promised!” Minhyuk bounced on his heels. 

“Of course I kept my promise. I’ll visit again, too. Every month until you’re out and then we can see each other whenever.” A dimpled smile. 

**He actually cares for you, doesn’t he? He’s your first real friend. Now you have Hyungwon, too. Look at you, Mr Popular.**

“Thank you for being my friend, Honey.” 

“And thank you for being mine. How are you doing?”

“Kinda up and down lately I guess.” He shrugged. 

“And Hyungwon?”

“He’s doing really good! Ah and now there’s someone new here, he’s even younger than you and he’s got DID so there’s another personality there and Hyungwon is getting along really well with Changkyun and it makes me a feel a little bit sad sometimes because they read together and stuff and I don’t think Changkyun really likes me that much and the other one is I.M who was really rude but he came and joined our snowball fight so I think he’s actually nice deep down but Hyungwon doesn’t like him and neither does the voice.” Minhyuk rattled off his words quickly, sentences running into each other in his excitement to be seeing his friend again. He spoke so quickly, in fact, that if Jooheon wasn’t so used to him he probably wouldn’t have understood him. 

“Whoa did you even pause for breath just now?” Jooheon laughed. 

“Sorry. Shall I say it slower? I’m just really happy to see you.”

“No no, I got it. Long as you don’t replace me in your heart with this new guy.” Jooheon joked. 

“Never!” The older looked offended by the very concept. 

Jooheon laughed and produced from his pocket the eight candies Minhyuk had given him when he left. “As promised. Not that you need the sugar.” He offered four out to Minhyuk.

“You kept your promise not to eat them until you see me too! You really do keep all your promises! Oh! but let’s not eat them all today. Maybe we can eat one every time you come?”

“You don’t have to keep me coming back with the notion of candy, y’know. I’ll still come even if we run out. Besides, if we take one each that’ll leave us with six and that’s a horrible number.”

“Oops, I forgot. Then let’s have two each. Then there’s four left and fours are good, right?”

“Ok, deal. Then I won’t bring the rest next time I come, I’ll save them for when I see you on the outside.”

They sat and talked for their full hour of allotted time, eating the fruity candies and catching up on life. Minhyuk loved hearing Jooheon talk about his job and the people in the shared accommodation where he now lived. It was like living vicariously through him, taking a glimpse of the world he hadn’t been a part of for around a year now. 

 

———

 

After they said their goodbyes, he was walked to Dr Son’s office where apparently Nurse Yoo wanted to see him. 

The nurse was sitting tensely on the edge of the desk when Minhyuk walked in and sat in the chair. 

**Why does he want to see you here?**

“Min, I have something you need to know.” Nurse Yoo looked troubled. His frown was different today. Uneasy. 

**You know what this is.**

Minhyuk’s stomach dropped as he reached the grim realisation quickly. “Sh-She’s dead, isn’t she?”

“...I’m so sorry Minhyuk, but yes. Your mother passed away last night. She wasn’t alone, her sister and parents were there. It was peaceful and she wasn’t in any pain.” 

**You were too late. You didn’t see her.**

_“I won’t ever see her again.”_

**No, you won’t. But deep down you knew this was coming soon. She couldn’t even speak on the phone. You aren’t stupid. Why are you surprised?**

“You need to understand some things about what happens now, Min. Could you look at me?” 

Minhyuk continued to stare at nothing, expressionless and eyes vacant. 

**You couldn’t be there because you were too scared.**

“Minhyuk? Could you look at me, please? I’m going to touch your hand now.” The nurse stood and placed his hand on top of Minhyuk’s, only for Minhyuk to snatch it away from his touch, face unchanging. 

_“I’m alone.”_ It was like the ground had fallen out from under him completely. Disappearing away and sucked into a black hole. Such a desperate emptiness. 

**Alone.**

“Minhyuk, can you hear me?”

**Nurse Yoo is calling your name. Answer him. Pay attention to him.**

Minhyuk looked up and met the nurse’s eyes. He couldn’t speak, otherwise a flood of emotion would surely come out.

“Right now I know this is a lot and you probably feel alone and very overwhelmed. But you’re not alone, it’s important you remember that.”

**Aren’t you?**

“You have me and Dr Son. You have Jooheon and Hyungwon, too. You aren’t alone and we’ll help you.”

**I suppose he’s right... you also have me. For better or for worse. I’m probably the one thing that won’t die until you do.**

“I...” Then the tears came. A relentless flood of them as he sank off the chair, onto the floor to curl in on himself, bringing his knees tightly to his chest. 

“You don’t have to worry about what happens to you after your treatment here is complete. Things will be in place. Don’t worry about the future.” Nurse Yoo knelt on the floor and pulled Minhyuk into a hug. 

“I didn’t go see her!” He sobbed, clinging to the nurse’s uniform. 

“It’s ok, you spoke with her as long as she was able. She knew you loved her and that’s what matters in the end.”

**She said love doesn’t die.**

“You can attend the funeral. Myself and Hoseok can escort you. So you can say goodbye.”

**Your family will be there. They’ll talk about you like you aren’t even there. Sharp tongues and judgemental eyes.**

“C-Can Hyungwon come with me too?” He choked into the Nurse’s shoulder, tears soaking the stiff material of his uniform. 

“Hyungwon? If he feels able to then yes. But that might be a lot for him...” 

_“I want him to come, am I selfish?”_

**Everyone else is selfish. So what if you are?**

“I don’t want her to be dead.”

“I know... I know. I’m so sorry. I really am. Things will become better.” Nurse Yoo tried to reassure him. 

“No they won’t! Because she’s dead forever!” Minhyuk pulled away abruptly. 

“Ok then, it’s true she won’t come back but the way you feel right now won’t last forever.”

Minhyuk rubbed at his bare arms, trying to remove the way he felt as if it were a physical thing clinging to his skin. The terrible sense of loss and sense of burning emptiness. His eyes moved to the sky out the window. The sky he remembered wanting to be the last thing he saw. He wanted to get away. Get out. Wanted there to be nothing because the emotions were just too strong. Too overwhelming. Distress spilling over into panic. 

“Minhyuk, please try to calm down. I can see you’re breathing very quickly. I can’t let you leave this room if I have a concern you may hurt yourself.” He shifted to sit more comfortably than kneeling, ready to be there with his patient for as long as it took. 

“I don’t know what to do!” He didn’t. He didn’t know where to put his emotions or how to make them manageable. There was just so much to deal with. 

“Do you want to try breathing with me?”

Minhyuk shook his head, sobbing again into his hands.

Nurse Yoo scooted closer but Minhyuk retreated away across the room and into the corner. 

“I won’t come closer if you don’t want me to. But if you want me to hug you then you can come closer and I will.” It was hard for Him to swallow his own tears away and keep himself from crying, too. It was horrible to see Minhyuk like this. It gnawed at his heart to think about how far he had come from being the desperately sad crying mess he’d been when he arrived, only to end up crying his eyes out again. 

It took over an hour, but eventually the crying started to trail off and Minhyuk shuffled closer to him across the floor and let him hold him. 

They were there for the rest of the morning, waiting for the tears to finally dry up. 

 

_________________

 

“Good afternoon!” Changkyun smiled at Hyungwon and sat next to him at lunch. “Where’s Minhyuk?”

“One of the orderlies came and said Nurse Yoo wanted to see him this morning right after his visiting time.” Hyungwon took a bite out of his sandwich. 

Changkyun stuffed his hands into his pockets and pulled out a pen and a folded piece of paper. “What’s the date today?”

“It’s the 23rd.” Hyungwon eyed the paper curiously. 

“Oh man I’ve lost a couple of days to I.M in that case. We’re switching a lot lately so it’s hard to tell when it’s coming.” 

“You can tell?”

“Not very accurately but there are warning signs. A lot of the time I feel weird and kinda disassociated before and after a switch. Like my body is just a vessel floating around on auto-pilot. I don’t know if he gets the same feeling or not. Our switches can last anything from a couple of hours to a few weeks. I lost over a month once.” Changkyun explained. It was actually nice to talk candidly about such matters. 

“It must be hard to live your life a few days or weeks at a time.”

“Tell me ‘bout it... anyway, I woke up to this.” He waved the piece of paper. 

“What is it?”

“It’s probably from I.M. I’m curious because he never initiates conversation unless he’s warning me not to go back to places where he’s done something.” Like warning him not to go to the convenience store he’d stolen a bottle of whisky from. “It feels weird to read notes from him, though. Uncomfortable. I wanted to wait until I saw you to open it if that’s ok.”

“Of course it’s ok. I can imagine it is pretty strange.”

Changkyun took a breath and opened the piece of paper. 

 

****_Changkyun,_  
This probably doesn’t sound genuine, coming from me and all.  
But I guess I owe you an apology, considering it was my  
actions that got us into trouble and landed us in this shithole.  
Don’t get me wrong, I still think you need to man the fuck up.  
Even so, I’m sorry. Ok?  
-I.M 

****

 

“He’s never... he’s never apologised for anything before.”

“Then this is progress, right?”

“Yeah it’s just strange. I still can’t believe he actually played out in the snow with you guys.” 

“Me either, actually. Are you gonna write back?” 

“Yeah.” Changkyun took a pen and began writing on the back of the paper. As he watched the younger write, Hyungwon noticed how different his handwriting was to I.M’s. 

 

****_I.M,_  
Why apologise? You hate me after all. I don’t understand  
why you’d feel the need to when you’ve never shown any  
remorse before.  
Being sent here is just one more way you’ve made my  
life miserable so I’m used to it. Apology accepted, I guess.  
-Changkyun. 

 

“I don’t think he’d bother to apologise if he hated you.” Hyungwon said with a yawn. “Sorry. Didn’t get much sleep.”

“I was gonna say you don’t know him like I do but I suppose that isn’t really true. I’ve never met him, after all.” Changkyun folded the paper back up and placed it back into his pocket along with the pen. 

 

———

 

Hyungwon knew something was horribly wrong when he walked back into their room. The bedsheets had been removed and the door had been locked, Hoseok had to let him in. All precautions taken of somebody was believed to be a suicide risk. 

Minhyuk was laying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“Min?” He asked cautiously. 

No response. 

“Minhyuk?” He stepped closer and asked a little louder. 

“She’s dead, Hyungwon.” 

“Who is?” Hyungwon could see the dampness on his cheeks and the tears still falling.

“M-My mother.” He sobbed out, rolling over onto his side to face the wall. 

“Oh god, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Minhyuk.” Placed a hand on the other’s shaking shoulder. 

“She was dying. I knew she was. But I couldn’t go see her. I was selfish and scared and I couldn’t go see her. Couldn’t do that one thing for her when she’d done so much for me.”

“Why didn’t you tell me things were that serious with her condition?”

“I... I didn’t want to burden you with my problems. You had your own.”

That was heartbreaking to hear. “What is it you told me about letting someone else help carry the weight if it’s too heavy?”

“You must think I’m stupid. You lost your mother so horribly.” The older sniffled. 

“There’s no way to lose someone you love that isn’t horrible. I don’t think you’re stupid at all.”

“I wanna go to her funeral... but I’m scared because my family hate me.”

**What if he doesn’t want to go?**

“I’ll come with you, if you like.” Hyungwon said quickly. 

“B-But it’s outside.”

“I’ll manage. I’m getting better. I want to be there to hold your hand. You’ve been there for me since I arrived, let me help you now.” 

**He’s a blessing to you. Too bad he will die one day, too.**

“Please don’t leave me, too.” Minhyuk’s voice was so small and heartbreakingly desperate. 

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m your someone, remember?”

**He is your someone.**

 

———

 

“I came to see how you’re doing, Minhyuk.” Dr Son had come to the room to see him the following day. 

“Like I want everything to stop. Like I wanna stop thinking. Can I have the meds that make the world disappear?” Was it normal to be so distraught and hopeless that it physically hurt? Twisting through your body like a half blunt sword. Pain radiating all the way through your entire being?

“Well, I was thinking it may be a good idea to start Clozapine. I know you’ve taken Olanzapine for maintenance before but I think in this case the former would be better acutely. Things like this can trigger psychotic episodes... so maybe a relatively low dose as a precautionary measure would be wise.”

“I don’t want to have another episode. Please. Don’t let me.” He started to panic at the thought. 

“I’ll have them bring you some additional medication, then. After you take them I think it would be a good idea for you to attend the group therapy session. It isn’t good to isolate yourself.” 

Minhyuk took his meds and forced himself downstairs to the group therapy space. He didn’t want to see anyone but at least Hyungwon would be there. His limbs felt heavy with the sedative effects of the pills he’d had to swallow. 

The only seat left was opposite Hyungwon and... was it Changkyun? Or I.M? Minhyuk didn’t know but it didn’t matter, anyway. Throughout most of the session he didn’t speak. Just sat half slumped in his chair, glassy eyes and an unfocused stare. He just sat there silently. A tragic and miserable sight. 

“Minhyuk looks like his soul upped and flew away.” Changkyun whispered to Hyungwon during the session. 

Hyungwon nodded because that’s exactly what he looked like. Hyungwon couldn’t take his eyes off him the entire session, the sparkle in his eyes was gone completely and he looked like an empty shell. It shouldn’t have been so shocking, all things considered. He’d been much the same. 

“Anybody else been having a difficult week?” The therapist asked towards the end. 

Minhyuk raised his hand slowly.

“Go ahead, Minhyuk.”

“I..... hate mysel’ .... ‘cause I jus’ fucking had to go out n’ see the sky one last time.... hate myself f’r not staying in th’ bathroom.... where nobody would have found me. Where I’d have jus’ died. My mother’s gone n’ I feel so empty.” His voice was croaky and slurred and it seemed like every word was a struggle to form. A side effect of the heavy medications. 

Hyungwon wanted to cry. Or scream. Or puke. Maybe all three. His face felt wet, apparently he was already crying. Minhyuk, his sunshine, sounded so defeated. 

Minhyuk’s eyes finally almost focused on Hyungwon. “I let som’ne I love down, too. I’ve hurt him by.... being so breakable. I.... fucked up. I let m-mom down too. Couldn’t go see her b’fore she died.”

Hyungwon needed to throw himself across the room and pull Minhyuk into his arms. Once the session finally ended, that’s exactly what he did. “Never think you’ve let me down. Everyone’s breakable, Min. I love you so much. I don’t want you to think like that. You’ve been there for me. You gave me hope and brought colour back into my life. You helped me start to not be afraid. I owe you so much.”

“I’m too broken...”

“Like I said, everyone is breakable. We’re all human. So let’s put you back together like you did for me.”

“It hurts...”

“I know. I know it hurts.” Hyungwon knew exactly what it was like to lose the one person who’d always loved him unconditionally. He’d been there and he’d had a front row seat. He’d had his whole world disappear in the blink of an eye, too. “Let me be there for you.”

“I should’ve just died.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.” Hyungwon’s voice was stern enough to make Minhyuk look up at him. 

“I’m so sorry...”

 

———

 

Minhyuk wouldn’t leave their room after that, unless Hoseok practically physically forced him to so that he would eat. Not that he ate much, just prodding at the food and maybe forcing down a few solitary grains of rice. The drugs made him feel nauseous, anyway. Every moment made him want to vomit. 

Other than that, he just slept and every so often he’d wake up and cry. The voice sometimes whispered to him through the medicated haze but he could barely understand it, the sound so distant. He didn’t have the energy to try to listen, anyway. His whole body felt like he was just a sack of skin stuffed with sand. 

The only times Hyungwon left him were to go to his sessions.

“I’m going to get some books from downstairs and I’ll read to you, ok?” He assured the older, gently rubbing over his shoulder. 

“Mmhmm.” 

It was hard for Hyungwon to tell if his almost catatonic state was because of his emotional state or because of the medication. Probably both. He reluctantly slipped away and headed downstairs to the communal space. It felt wrong leaving him alone like that. It was even snowing again outside. 

“Oh hey there Pretty. You don’t have the puppy attached to you today I see.” A low voice said suddenly. 

Hyungwon could do without having to deal with I.M right now. “He’s sick. I’m just getting some books.”

The young man looked him up and down and licked his lips, gaze predatory. “What’s the deal with you two? Or I guess what I’m asking is if you’re on the market to work out a little frustration. I’m losing my mind being stuck here and you might provide a nice distraction from the constant monotony.”

“Are you propositioning me?”

“Don’t get too flattered, you and Minhyuk are the only ones here who are even somewhat attractive. Other than some of the staff, that is. You’re more my type, though. Breakable looking pretty boy with innocent eyes.” I.M stepped closer. 

“I’m not interested, sorry.” Hyungwon felt uncomfortable under the other’s stare. 

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. N-Now if you’ll excuse me—”

“You’re scared of me, huh? I can tell. I can smell fear a mile off.” I.M smirked. 

“I find you intimidating.” The taller said honestly. 

“Good.” I.M scoffed and walked off to smoke outside. 

Hyungwon let out the breath he was holding. If there was something he’d learned about I.M it was that he had a very heavy and intense presence about him sometimes, something Changkyun never had. 

He grabbed a couple of books from the shelf and looked at the snow outside. 

Minhyuk loved snow but he wouldn’t leave the room. An idea crossed Hyungwon’s mind. He’d bring some of the snow to him if he couldn’t go out in it. 

But it would mean going outside without Minhyuk there to hold his hand and I.M was out there. 

Hyungwon set the books down. He could do this. He could. He took a few long, deep breaths and stepped outside into the freezing cold air.

“Changed your mind? Well, offer’s expired.” I.M blew smoke into the air before bringing the cigarette back to his lips. 

“No.” Hyungwon said simply and started gathering some of the snow, compacting it tightly into a ball in the hopes it would give him enough time before it melted. 

“You better not be thinking of throwing that at me.”

“I’m not.” He didn’t look at the younger, just started making another smaller ball and placing it on top of the first. 

“The fuck are you doing?”

Hyungwon ignored him, digging his hand through the snow to find the grit on the courtyard underneath, pressing it onto the ball of snow to make the pattern of a face before going to the overhanging tree and breaking off small spindly twigs to give his handheld snowman some arms. 

“A snowman? Let me guess, for Minhyuk since he’s sick? How vomit inducingly sweet.” I.M remarked with a deadpan tone.

Again, Hyungwon ignored him, quickly dashing inside and grabbing the books. He practically ran up the stairs back to their room before the small snowman could melt away.

“Min! It’s snowing out so I made you this. Not that he’ll last long in here.”

Minhyuk opened his eyes and squinted, slowly focussing on the thing Hyungwon was holding out to him. “A snowman?” He sat up and took it, looking at it’s slightly wonky smiling face and a ghost of a smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “Thank you Hyungwon.”

“Sorry if he’s kinda ugly.”

“He’s not ugly. He’s cute.” One of the arms promptly fell off as he said that and so he picked up the twig, poking it back into where it belonged. 

“Here, so he doesn’t make the bed all wet and your hands freeze off.” Hyungwon took the paper cup by the bed and tore off some of some of the top so the opening was narrower. “Put him on this.”

Minhyuk’s did, setting him down carefully on the cup, hands a little uncoordinated. “You’re the best thing in my life, Hyungwon.”

“And you’re the best thing in mine.” He spent the rest of the day reading aloud as Minhyuk drifted between sleep and wakefulness, holding his hand as he did so. The snowman steadily melting until it fell inside the cup and became water filled with small stones and twigs. 

 

_______________

 

Hyungwon sat alone at breakfast one morning, not really hungry. His stomach will too full of worry to eat. 

“Hey. Sup? You look deep in thought.” It was Changkyun. Thank god. Hyungwon couldn’t deal with I.M today. 

“Hm? Oh. Sorry. Yeah, I’m just worried about Minhyuk. He hasn’t wanted to leave the room.”

“Oh, I’m sorry I forgot about his mother dying. Shit. I hope he’s gonna be ok.”

“It’s horrible to see. It’s been days and he’s also drugged up to the eyeballs.”

“Has it? Jeez, I.M is getting to run round more than me lately.” He bit into his toast. “Hey, maybe I can distract you a little? I found a new piece of paper in my pocket. Was wondering if you wanna read it with me?”

“Sure.” Because actually, it was a nice distraction. He was happy to see Changkyun. “I still find it hard to wrap my head around how strange it would be to have someone always there but never able to be face to face with them.”

The younger took out the paper and pen from his pocket. “It is. He’s like an evil twin I can’t look in the eye. He left me a video on my phone of him talking to me once but I couldn’t watch it all the way through, it was too unsettling seeing him as close to face to face as possible. It was weird, hard to explain. I don’t actually even like looking at my own reflection because it’s strange and uncomfortable.” He opened up the paper and set it on the table so that Hyungwon could see it, too. 

 

****_Changkyun,_  
I don’t hate you. I just don’t like you. I don’t like anyone so  
you aren’t special in that respect.  
Am I making your life miserable? You’re the one who’s got  
it good. How ‘bout you try being the one people insist doesn’t  
exist? Try being told you aren’t real, being called a symptom  
rather than a person. Has anyone ever tried to medicate you  
away? You have something tangible that I’ll never have.  
Aside from that, I’m trapped living half an existence just like  
you are. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  
Guess fucking what? You’re stuck with me and I’m  
stuck with you.  
-I.M 

“I never really thought... about how it was for him.” He hadn’t considered the fact that I.M lived with black spots in his memory, too. But it made sense, of course he did. He also hadn’t considered that I.M would feel that way about being his alter. Changkyun supposed he was right, at least he had the luxury of being able to look at his birth certificate when he questioned his sense of self. He had that piece of paper with his name on it to remind himself who he was. I.M didn’t have that, and for the first time in his life Changkyun felt a twinge of sympathy for his other self. 

“He sounds... jealous.” Hyungwon said, reading over the note again. “And bitter.”

“I guess he does have something to be jealous of but he’s still sabotaged my life at every turn so I shouldn’t feel sorry for him.” He took the pen and flipped the paper over. He was bitter, too. 

 

****_I.M,_  
I didn’t realise that’s how you felt. For that I guess I’m sorry.  
But it hasn’t been easy for me, either. I wanted to study hard  
and go to a good university. I wanted to be a medical  
pharmacologist and do something worthwhile with my life.  
I wanted to have friends and I wanted to fall in love with  
someone and have them love me back. Simple things.  
Things that should have been possible. But then you showed  
up and you ruined everything. I lost my friends and I lost  
my future. You won’t allow me to have anything or anyone.  
I’m so fucking lonely and I have no future.  
Because of you.  
-Changkyun. 

 

“You’re lonely, Changkyun?”

Changkyun nodded. 

“I’m your friend. Please don’t feel alone.”

“Really?”

“Of course I am.” Hyungwon gave him a smile and the young man leaned his head against his shoulder. 

“Thank you Hyungwon.”

 

_______________

 

The dosages of Minhyuk’s additional medication had been reduced to the minimum and he became more and more aware. Talking more and sleeping less, but still preferring to lay in bed. 

Dr Son came to the room again to check on him, Nurse Yoo joining him. 

Minhyuk was curled up with Hyungwon, seeking out his presence and body heat instinctively. 

“Hey, Minhyuk. How are you feeling?” The doctor asked. 

“Tired.” He murmured, forcing himself to open his eyes. 

“We wanted to talk to you about the funeral. It’s two days from now, do you think you’ll be able to attend?” Nurse Yoo asked carefully. 

Minhyuk nodded. He had to go. There was no question about it. He owed it to her. 

“I’ll come too, if that’s ok.” Hyungwon interjected. 

“That’s fine, if you feel able. Hoseok and Nurse Yoo will escort you there but they’ll give you both appropriate space.” The doctor explained. 

“How many days has it been since she died?” Minhyuk had lost all sense of time. 

“It’s been ten days.” 

“Fuck...”

“It’s ok, you’ve been sleeping a lot.” Hyungwon reassured him. 

“I know a lot of your family aren’t very understanding of your situation. You must not listen to them if they say anything which hurts your feelings.” Nurse Yoo said gently. 

“I’ll be ok. I have to be ok.”

“You don’t have to be anything. You’re not under any pressure.” The nurse assured him. 

“It’s the least I can do.” She died because her heart had failed. What if it was the stress he’d put her through? What if that’s what did it? That meant it was his fault. 

“How are the side effects of the Clozapine?” The doctor asked. 

“Still feel pukey and a little wired. I can’t really hear the voice and it’s strange but I don’t want to start seeing things again.”

“We’re at a very low dose and I think we should keep it like that for a little while if that’s ok and then maybe switch back over to Carbamazepine and keep your SSRIs where they are.”

Minhyuk nodded. 

“And Hyungwon? Come see me tomorrow. I think we should have a detailed discussion about your treatment plan.”

“Oh. Ok.” Hyungwon hadn’t even thought about himself for the last few days. It was the furthest thing from his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I could not for the life of me to get the formatting for the letters between I.M and Changkyun to work so I’m sorry if it’s super ugly!
> 
> Next time: _Hyungwon was not an angry person. In fact, he was extremely passive by nature, generally only getting angry with himself. This was the only time in his life he had rage boiling in the pit of his stomach so vigorously it made his fingertips shake._
> 
> _______
> 
> Ah these chapters keep turning out way longer than I thought! The next one might be a bit of a monster! 
> 
> I made myself sad writing this chapter and had to put my cheer-up playlist on while proof reading T^T I currently have all dat bass of TOP’s Turn It Up thundering through my headphones. Just boppin’ round my house typing this out singing along like “John Galliano, Dior, Louis Vuitton, Van Assche, ysl, Dolce & Gabbana, Givenchy, Alexander Mcqueen, tuxedo wa shoes, eon jae na Dom Perignon Pink~” xD


	12. Flammagenitus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fear and loneliness. Something they both shared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have some feels!

**A flammagenitus, also known as a pyrocumulus cloud or fire cloud, is a dense cumuliform cloud associated with fire or volcanic eruptions. They are produced by the intense heating of the air from the surface and contain severe turbulence, producing strong gusts of wind. They can also produce lightning, especially when caused by volcanic eruptions.**

 

 

Hyunwoo was still at his desk late at the end of the day. He didn't even notice somebody coming in until he heard a familiar voice reaching through the silence.

“I was leaving and I saw your light still on.”

He looked up to see Kihyun standing there. “Oh I was just trying to organise some community handovers.” His glasses were slipping off his face. He found he needed to wear them far more often these days. 

Kihyun moved around the desk to stand over the seated man. “It’s late.” 

“How are you doing, Ki?” He knew Kihyun’s habit of carrying heavy burdens on his shoulders. It was far later than he usually stayed, he’d probably been carrying out his compulsions to sort and organise until his brain let him leave. 

“I thought I said not to doctor me.” Kihyun frowned a little. 

“I’m not. I’m just checking if you’re ok because you’re someone I care about.” He clarified. 

“...I’m upset and worried about my patient.” The nurse sighed. 

“I strongly believe he will come out from the other side of this.”

Kihyun curled his fingers around Hyunwoo’s necktie. “I’m off the clock. So are you. Let’s not talk about work. My brain is tired and I need a break from thinking.”

“What would you prefer to talk about?”

“Nothing.” Kihyun leaned down and kissed the other man, moving to stand between his legs as strong arms circled around his waist. 

“Here?” Hyunwoo manages between kisses. 

“Mmh. I locked the door behind me. The night staff won’t come along here anyway.”

“Couldn’t wait until Saturday?” Hyunwoo chuckled and sucked at Kihyun’s lower lip. 

“Hush.” He tugged the tie off from around the doctor’s neck, fingers skilfully undoing the top two buttons of the shirt collar and lips kissing at the skin as it was exposed.

The kisses and caresses quickly became more heated and desperate. Kihyun ended up sat on the desk with Hyunwoo between his legs, feeling his hardness against his own and pressing his hips into it. 

“I want you to rip me out of my uniform and fuck me on this desk, Hyunwoo.” The scenario had been bouncing off the inside of his skull ever since Hoseok had mentioned it. 

“Fuck, Ki. You’ll be the end of me.” Hyunwoo brought his hands up to his own shirt to undo the remaining buttons. 

“No. Leave it on. Make me lose myself.” Kihyun batted his hands down. 

Hot hands, deep moans and heavy breaths filled the suddenly humid office. Strong but tender touches. Needy whines as Kihyun found himself naked and bent over the sturdy oak desk. Fuck. how he hoped Hyunwoo’s strong grip would leave bruises on his hips. They’d had to improvise with the small tube of hand cream Kihyun kept in his tunic pocket as lube and despite both their instincts the lack of a condom didn't stop them, either.

The rough handling turned into carefully caresses after they both came. Gentle kisses over Kihyun’s back and the rest of his spent body. Hyunwoo licking him out, catching the come dripping out of Kihyun’s hole with his tongue. Cleaning him up and helping him back into his clothes like a doll, though his tunic would no longer fasten up. The zipper broken from bring yanked apart so harshly. 

“You’re gorgeous after you come.” A sweet kiss on Kihyun’s forehead. 

“Only after I come?” 

“No. You’re always gorgeous, of course.” Hyunwoo grinned, utterly smitten. 

“Hmmm I know.” 

“But I especially love the way you look after you’ve let me make you come. Your cheeks go all rosey and I like seeing your hair messy.”

“I like they way you look when you want me.” Kihyun smirked. 

“Can I give you a ride home?”

“Sure, but you aren’t getting any more action. I have to go straight in the shower and do some cleaning.” The general feeling of contamination had been lingering heavily for the last week or so and being freshly fucked didn't really help with that. The invasiveness of his OCD went through peaks and troughs. 

“It’s ok, I understand. I guessed you’d rather not take public transport after that. Not sure I like the idea of you wandering around alone at night anyway. I don’t mind driving you home or picking you up in he mornings anyway.”

“No thank you. I find public transport quite stressful but I need to make myself do it so I don’t become avoidant. This time I’ll take you up on the offer, though.”

 

______________

 

The doctor felt mildly uncomfortable the following morning as he waited for Hyungwon to arrive at his office, considering what had occurred the night before right on the desk. He’d spent a good part of the morning cleaning the surface thoroughly. It was unlike him to behave so impulsively. But fuck had Kihyun looked so gorgeous and he’d felt so amazing. His moans sill rang in Hyunwoo’s ears. He could lose sleep over that voice. 

He jumped out of his train of thought when there was a soft knock a the door. 

“Come in!”

Hyungwon appeared and sheepishly entered, taking a seat and rubbing his hands nervously. 

“Good morning, Hyungwon. Did you sleep well?”

“I did, actually.” He smiles shyly. 

“Good, I’m glad. I’m afraid our session will have to be relatively short because I have to attend a clinical futures meeting with Dr Choi and the board of directors this morning. Insufferably boring I’m sure, no idea why they want me there.” he doctor chuckled lightly. “So, to cut to the chase I think we should consider keeping your Sertraline as it is just for now. I was going to reduce it sooner but considering recent events I think it would be best to keep it as is. However, after the funeral I think we’ll take you off the benzodiazepines all together and reduce the Sertraline by half.”

“Really?”

“If you feel happy with that, of course. I was also going to suggest talking propranolol the day of the funeral to help prevent panic attacks. I know you’ve been outside and you’ve been doing extremely well but there’s probably going to be a lot of people and an unfamiliar environment. It’s quite a big step.”

“I think that’s probably a good idea...”

“This all must be hard for you. The funeral will probably bring back a lot of memories for you, right?”

It didn’t feel right to think of himself. Like he had no right to struggle with this. “I... I didn’t go to my mother’s funeral.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“Because... I was scared it would make everything real. I was scared that everyone’s eyes would be on me, judging me. Blaming me.” Fear. Fear was once again a driving force in his life. Such a coward. “I wish I’d gone...”

“Maybe this will help you make peace with that.” The doctor sat back in his chair. “In the following weeks I’d like us to set a date to work towards for discharging you from here. We have excellent supportive services and your grandparents are eager that you are given the opportunity to live independently again.”

“What about Minhyuk?”

“You have to think about yourself, also.”

“I am thinking about myself. I’ll miss him... he was doing good before I ever got here, right?”

“I can’t really talk about other patients in detail but if it puts your mind at rest I’ll tell you that providing he recovers well from this I plan to move towards him being discharged in the next couple of months. I was already putting things into place for community support and for him to be able to redo some of his education. Obviously that isn’t currently possible but I’m confident he’ll come out the other side of his loss. It’ll be harder for him without his mother’s support but I’m determined he’s going to be a success story.”

Hyungwon nodded slowly. His body was tense. 

“The world doesn’t end at these doors, Hyungwon. I know it’s scary but there is a world and a life to live out there. We’re here to help you become part of it again. Both of you.”

Hyungwon swallowed a lump in his throat. He was scared because his world was so pleasantly narrow in here and the idea of going back out was terrifying. The doctor’s reassurance went some way to helping ease his anxiety, though.

“I can see you’re concerned. That’s normal. What worries you specifically?”

“...That I wont be able to cope.”

“You’ll have weekly sessions as an out-patient in a local clinic for as long as you require them to keep you from slipping back. Part of the problem was that you were bottling everything up and trying to cope alone. You wont be alone this time.”

“I...” He swallowed again, Thinking about going back to life on the outside and about Minhyuk. “Can I apply for jobs while I’m sill in here? So maybe I’ll have one for when I leave?” He had to support himself somehow, after all. 

“Of course. I’m pretty good at proof reading so I’d be happy to look over your applications. We’ll get on setting you a date which will make it easier for you to find appropriate employment. I’ll ask Nurse Yoo to allow you to use the computer in the nursing office.”

“Thank you.”

 

———

 

The meeting was boring. Dull as hell. He didn't become a doctor to sit in meetings and listen to people talking about money and making patients sound like assets. But it had to be done. It was just reality. He kind of missed that part of being a junior doctor, he didn't have to deal with his side of things. So he paid it as little mind as he could get away with. Dr Choi was far better at balancing these sorts of responsibilities than him. Maybe it came with experience. The other doctor was reasonably young for such a senior role but he had a vast wealth of experience and was someone Hyunwoo had a deep respect for. It helped that the guy was a little odd. Hyunwoo liked odd people. He thought to himself that it balanced out his own perceived blandness. 

When he arrived back from the tedious meeting he was exhausted despite only sitting and listening for two hours. The lack of sleep didn’t help much. When he made it back to his office, Kihyun was there setting down a fresh cup of coffee.

“What a nice surprise.” Hyunwoo smiled.

“Oh!” Kihyun whipped around in surprise, cheeks turning pink. “I thought you might want a coffee after your meeting. I know you hate those. Your next patient is waiting outside to see you.”

“Nurse Yoo, are you blushing?”

“No!” Kihyun crossed his arms across his chest. “By the way, Hyungwon’s grandmother is dropping his suit off here today and I don’t want Minhyuk going dressed in his patient clothing. I tried contacting his family to bring him some clothes but the assholes just said they didn’t have time. Like they seriously want him to go to his mother’s funeral dressed as a psychiatric patient? They actually sounded really put out that he was even going to be there for fuck sake.”

Hyunwoo frowned. “So he has nothing to wear?”

“No. Nothing.”

“I’m pretty sure I have something that’ll fit him. It’s a bit too small for me now so it’ll probably fit him ok. It’s the suit jacket and pants I wore at my graduation and I can pick him up a shirt in his size on my way home tonight.”

“You’d do that? Thank you. I only have one suit and I’ll be wearing it. Can’t have them showing up escorted by people in hospital uniform.” One suit for every purpose. Weddings, graduations, formal events and funerals. Just with a different colour tie. 

“Oh so I get to see you in a suit?”

“If you’re lucky you’ll even see me out of it.” Kihyun said oh so casually as he made his way towards the door. “Oh and just to warn you, pretty sure it’s I.M sitting outside rather than Changkyun.” 

 

———

 

There was a courtesy knock on the door of their room later in the day. Hyungwon was sat reading aloud while Minhyuk listened. He was less drowsy and nauseous today and had been mostly awake, the side effects ebbing away.

The door opened and Hoseok appeared with a black suit bag draped over his arm. It made Hyungwon wince slightly because the thing looked too much like a body bag. A tiny flash of panic shooting through his spine before disappearing as he calmed himself. 

“Your grandmother dropped this off for you.” Hoseok unzipped the bag to reveal black suit and white shirt. 

“Is she still here?”

Hoseok looked down sadly. “No. Sorry...”

“Oh... that’s fine. I didn’t expect her to want to see me anyway. I think I’m probably dead to them now, anyway.” He tried his best to hide the disappointment and the hurt. She’d come and delivered the clothes and didn’t want to see him while she was there? How long had he been here? No matter how much he pretended it didn't hurt, though, it didn’t take the pain away. He remembered loving visiting is grandparents as a child. 

He rarely saw them but when he did he’d pretend to be an archaeologist and dig up the soil at the bottom of the vegetable garden and find all kinds of ‘artefacts’. Artefacts which were plates and coffee cups his grandfather would break up and bury for him to find. He’d dig away for hours while his grandmother watched him from the window. Beautiful summer memories, miles away from the fear and violence of home. Memories faded and blurred by the ever flowing passage of time. It all changed when he went to live with them after what happened. Suddenly he wasn't his grandmother’s little angel anymore. Suddenly they could barely stand for him to be in the same room as them.

“Maybe she was just busy?” Minhyuk sat up.

“It doesn’t matter.” Hyungwon stood and took the suit. 

“You’ll look handsome in a suit.” A little smile flickered onto Minhyuk’s face and to Hyungwon it felt like the colour returned to the world for a moment for the first time since the terrible news.

“He sure will! I bet you’ll look like a model. I got you some hair dye like you wanted, too. I can help you with it if you like.”

“You’re dying your hair?” Minhyuk blinked slowly. 

“My hair looks awful.” Hyungwon bit his lower lip. Was it vain of him that if his hair looked a little better it would be one less thing to be worried about while surrounded by so many strangers? “I’ll just dye it black so the lightened parts are the same colour as all the regrowth.”

“It’ll look pretty when it snows again. White snow in black hair.” Minhyuk laid back down with that small smile still on his lips. 

 

______________

 

Minhyuk didn’t sleep much he night before the funeral. The voice was bleeding back though the cracks into his consciousness without so much medication to silence him. It was chattering away unintelligibly, mixing with his own thoughts and hanging around in the background. More active than usual but not making sense and not so loud. 

“What happens to me after this? Where will I go? My home is gone now.”

More continuous chatter, Minhyuk could only pick out a few words which had no real meaning. 

**Doors. Waves to you. This. This. Ladder down. This. The tree. Walls. This.**

_“I don’t want to see them. They always talk about me like I’m not there. Or like I’m too stupid to understand so they can say what they want.”_

**Hurts. What way? Stop. Twelve down there. Rain. There. Sssstrangulate like four feathers. Blue. This. This. This. Before.**

_“You aren’t making sense. It’s the drugs, right? I hope you make sense by tomorrow. Even if you say things which hurt me. I need you to make sense. You scare me when you don’t._ Because it reminded him of the time when there was more than one voice and they had been something far more malicious. 

Rather than listening to the whispered nonsense, He focused on the sounds of Hyungwon’s steady breathing and the slow rise and fall of his chest as Minhyuk rested his head on it.

He did sleep a little. He supposed he’d slept enough over the past week and a half. Maybe two weeks? It felt like no time had passed and yet at the same time it felt like it had been years. 

In the morning there was a knock at their door as Hyungwon was buttoning up his shirt. 

“Wait!” Hyungwon yelped and quickly finished buttoning the thing up. “O-Ok. Come in.”

Minhyuk was expecting Hoseok but instead, it was Dr Son carrying some clothes. “I thought you might want these. I hope they fit. I probably should have thought sooner.” He set the clothes down. It was a suit and a brand new white shirt. 

“For me?” Minhyuk asked, confused. 

“Since you had nothing to wear. The suit is too small for me now but I think it should fit you just fine.”

“I promise I wont spill anything on it and you’ll get it back in perfect condition!”

“Keep it. You might need it again. For something more positive.” The doctor smiled kindly. 

“I... I promise I’ll work hard and have a good reason to wear it again.” Minhyuk picked up the black necktie and looked it over. He’d never worn such a thing. 

“Excellent. All the best for today. Nurse Yoo will be there if you need, ok? You too, Hyungwon.” The doctor took his leave as Minhyuk looked over the suit while Hyungwon pulled on his own jacket and his tie. 

The younger fussed with the way his suit sat on his body. For the first time since arriving he wished there was a mirror. 

“I think this thing actually fits a little better now I’ve gained some weight. Last time I wore it I was at my thinnest and it was practically hanging off me.” 

“I’ve never worn a suit before. Maybe because I never graduated or achieved anything.” He poked at it like a foreign thing. He didn't feel worthy of it. 

“You will. You promised.” Hyungwon smiled at him. He looked so handsome dressed so smartly and his wavy freshly dyed black hair looked so soft. 

Minhyuk nodded and began getting changed into the clothes the doctor gave him. The sleeves on the jacket were slightly too long but other than that, it fit just fine. “I don’t know how to do a tie.” He waved the silky piece of material around, lower lip pushed out a little.

“Here, let me.” Hyungwon took it gently and lifted Minhyuk’s collar, slipping the tie around his neck. He began to carefully tie a half Windsor knot, the only knot he knew, before finally straightening he collar back down. “I’m afraid you’ll have to do this up.” He fastened Minhyuk’s top button, despite the pout of protest. 

“Feels tight.” Minhyuk complained. 

Hyungwon pecked his lips. “It does at first but you’ll forget about it after a while.”

A moment passed through, Minhyuk looking into his eyes. “Today’s gonna hurt, Hyungwon.”

“Then I’ll keep holding your hand.” Hyungwon took he older’s hand tightly. “You look handsome. Your mother would be proud.”

**Don’t let go.**

_“Don’t let go.”_

“Don’t let go.”

 

———

 

Once Hyungwon pushed himself out of the doors, the walk to the car wasn’t too bad. There was nobody around except for except for the four of them. He still felt much calmer once he was enclosed inside the vehicle, though. 

Minhyuk was quiet, looking out of the window at the cloudy sky. “It’s going to rain... not cold enough for more snow. Just very cold rain. Barometric pressure is very low.” He said in a soft little voice. 

“I put an umbrella in the trunk so it’ll be ok if it does rain.” Nurse Yoo assured them from the front seat. He seemed a little nervous in himself about something. He was restless. 

“I don’t mind rain.” Minhyuk looked back out of the window. It had been so long since he’d been outside the facility. It was like being in a foreign world. 

“Yes, but it is pretty cold out so if you get wet you may catch a cold.”

 **Nurse Yoo looks good in a suit.**

Good, coherent words from the voice. 

_“You would think he looks good even if he was wearing an empty rice sack.”_

**True. Don’t get me wrong, Hyungwon looks hot, too. So does Hoseok.**

_“I’m glad you’re making sense again. Ugh, I was feeling less nauseous until getting in the car.”_ His stomach felt frigid with the movement of the vehicle. 

**Stop looking out the window, then. It will make it worse.**

The rest of the car ride was mostly silent, just the sound of the radio cut into the silence. Occasionally it was joined by Hoseok talking to himself about people not using their indicators as he drove.

There were people hanging around outside the church when they arrived, the car rolling to a steady stop on the gravel. 

“You can either go in with just the two of you and we will wait in the car or outside or we can come in. It’s entirely up to you.” Nurse Yoo offered. 

“Will you come in?” Minhyuk asked. Because he trusted Nurse Yoo. 

**No. He will get mad at how they treat you. He gets mad at things like that and he will feel bad. Don’t make him feel bad.**

“Actually no! Will you two both wait here and just me and Hyungwon go in? Is that ok with you, Hyungwon?”

“What? Oh. Yeah. Whatever you want.” Hyungwon was only half focused, part of his attention already on the people glancing towards the car.

“If you’re sure.” Nurse Yoo said gently.

“I’m sure.” Minhyuk took a deep breath and got out of the vehicle.

Hyungwon tried to follow. He willed himself to move but his body was frozen. What the fuck was wrong with him? He was supposed to be here supporting Minhyuk but he couldn’t even suck it up and get his ass out of the goddamn car. He was a coward. Still ruled by fear, permitting every facet of his being. 

The car door opened and a hand appeared in front of his face. 

Hyungwon looked at the hand. “I should be the one holding _your_ hand...”

“You will be. It takes two people to hold hands. Duh.” That sadness tinted smile. He was trying so hard to maintain a brave face and it broke Hyungwon’s heart to see. He took the older’s hand and stepped out of the car. 

They sat at the back for the service. Hyungwon held tightly onto Minhyuk’s hand. This was hell for Hyungwon. People kept looking at the pair as they passed to sit, eyes judging. Hyungwon hated that. He hated people looking at him and the glances were making him want to be invisible. He felt vulnerable and at risk. Holding the older’s hand was as much a lifeline for himself as it was to provide comfort. He could only imagine what Minhyuk must be feeling. 

Minhyuk felt the eyes on him but he didn’t look. He focused on a space on the back wall of the church. He could barely hear the service. Too busy trying to bite back the tears, trying to be strong. He clung to Hyungwon’s hand as a lifeline. His only anchoring point from absolute crushing loneliness. 

The service was fairly short, which was merciful. Afterwards, they made their way out to the churchyard, trailing back behind the crowd of people clad in black. These were Minhyuk’s family but nobody spoke to him or approached the pair. Nobody offered condolences for his loss. They just looked and whispered amongst themselves or ignored his presence completely. Looking straight through him like he wasn’t even there. It hurt even more than Minhyuk anticipated. It was agony to feel so unwanted. 

When they gathered around the hole in the ground, Hyungwon heard a snide remark somewhere behind them. 

“Oh that’s her son. It was probably all the stress he caused her that killed her. He’s a psychiatric patient, you know. She had no choice. Couldn’t handle him anymore and had to have him put away.”

“Too late I suppose, the poor woman. Must have been terrible to have a child like that.” Someone replied in a hushed voice. 

And another to their right. 

“Who are those two?”

“The one on the left is Minhyuk. Remember him? He was such an odd child. He tried to kill himself last year, so selfish. She had to have him locked up. It worried her sick. Shame. Maybe if he had a father around this wouldn’t have happened. Not that I blame him for leaving. I don’t know who the other one is.”

Hyungwon felt the grip on his hand tighten and the other lean into him a little. He had obviously heard what had been said. 

The younger looked over to Minhyuk and his heart shattered into pieces for him. Minhyuk was crying silent tears, lower lip pulls between his teeth to try and hold it in. Tears rolling down his cheeks. Hyungwon wrapped his arms around the other, half trying to comfort him and half trying to shield him from judgmental words. 

“I heard he was going off the rails and sleeping with a lot of men. The nerve bringing his boyfriend to something respectable like his own mother’s funeral. It’s disgusting.”

“The neighbour said he was always sleeping around with all kinds of people. Practically rubbing it in her face.”

**They’re talking about you but they don’t know anything. They don’t know what it’s like. It isn’t like you wanted to be this way, is it? Ignorant fuckers.**

Minhyuk’s mother had always said that sticks and stones may break your bones but words cannot hurt you. That may have been the only thing she’d ever said that he disagreed with words stung much sharper and cut so much deeper. Words had always left far uglier scars behind than anything else. 

Hyungwon leaned closer to Minhyuk’s ear and started humming a tune in it, drowning out other sounds. 

Hyungwon never spoke out. He was meek, like his mother. He never defended himself, nor did he defend others. He was too afraid, too much of a coward. He never spoke out when his dad would hit his mother. He never said anything when his dad hit him. Never said anything when he was bullied at school. Never said anything when his ex boyfriend wanted things he didn’t want to give. Never said anything when he was struggling to cope and felt like he was drowning. 

He couldn’t stand up for himself or anybody else so he’d try and drown out the badness in the world by humming into Minhyuk’s ear. 

**He sounds like an angel, doesn’t he? He can hear them too, he’s humming so you won’t hear. He’s protecting you. He’s your angel.**

When the people finally dispersed, the pair approached the grave together.

“I’m sorry.... I’m sorry I wasn’t the son you deserved. They’re right. I was selfish. I just needed to make the pain stop and it felt like I had no choice but to die. I promise I won’t do it again. I promise.” He took a minute to compose himself and choke back the tears. “This is Hyungwon. I wish you’d met him. You’d probably keep pinching his cheeks and feeding him.”

**She’d like him because you like him. She always wanted the best for you.**

Hyungwon took a deep breath. “I wish I could have met you. You must have been a wonderful person to raise a son who has such a kind heart. He saved my life.” 

Rain started to fall. 

**The forecast was right. Hopefully tomorrow will be sunny.**

“Wait here and I’ll get an umbrella from the car.” Hyungwon said softly.

Minhyuk just nodded in response. 

Hyungwon and headed back towards the car. On his way, he heard some of Minhyuk’s relatives talking about him again. Anger bubbled to the surface. 

“I thought he was in a mental hospital.”

“He is. Must be day release. Shouldn’t be allowed if you ask me. She should have sent him there a long time ago and kept him there permanently.”

Hyungwon was not an angry person. In fact, he was extremely passive by nature, generally only getting angry with himself. This was the only time in his life he had rage boiling in the pit of his stomach so vigorously it made his fingertips shake. 

He didn't know what to do with anger, it was so foreign to him. He swallowed it down, containing it within himself. For the first time in his life he had to speak out. Had to say something. He couldn’t let it go. He had to stand up for someone.

“Excuse me. But I think you’re being very disrespectful. I’ve heard almost every word you’ve said today and so has Minhyuk. I understand you must be grieving but he has lost his mother and doesn’t need to hear you. Empathy is a wonderful thing. I hope to god none of you are ever unfortunate enough to suffer with your mental health. I hope you never have to understand what it’s like first hand. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, to be at war with your own mind.” He walked away and grabbed the umbrella from the trunk before he made his way back over to Minhyuk the older stood alone and watched the hole being filled in. 

“I’m alone now...” Minhyuk said aloud to himself.

“No you’re not. You’ve got me.” He held the umbrella up over them both, taking his hand again.

“Thank you for coming with me.” He leaned back into Hyungwon.

“Any time. Thank you for being patient with me.”

“I think she always hoped I’d meet someone and fall in love.”

“Even if it was a guy?”

“Oh she didn’t care about my sexual orientation. She said love is blind and love doesn’t care what’s between a person’s legs. I agree.”

“I see where you got your outlook from.”

“It was the hardest thing in the world for her to put me in the hospital again... maybe the stress I put her under really did kill her.” She had been so distraught after his suicide attempt. She had said she felt so completely helpless.

“Don’t say that. This wasn’t your fault. You aren’t to blame.”

**I miss her already.**

“Me too.”

“Hm?”

“Sorry. Was talking to the voice. He said he missed her.” He sighed deeply. “When I was a kid I’d ask her if I was weird and she always said no, my brain was just more special than everyone else’s.” 

“Well she was half right. Your brain is special but you’re also weird.” He kissed his temple. “I like your weirdness. Weird is good.”

Minhyuk cracked a little smile. “Yeah. She’d have really liked you a lot.”

They stood there a while longer, the rain pitter pattering down on the umbrella. The hole was filled completely and the grave digger had long left. 

Minhyuk crouched in front of the grave. “I guess I should go now. I promise I’ll keep your love with me because it doesn’t die. Say hi to Hyungwon’s mother in heaven. Tell her I’ll look after her son and that he’s doing great.” He rubbed his tear filled eyes. “I’m really scared about being without you but I promise I’m gonna do my best to be ok for you. Please don’t worry about me. I’ll be ok. I’m so sorry I never visited you in the hospital. I was so scared...”

Hyungwon felt tears running down his own face. “When we’ve both left the hospital we’ll come and bring flowers, if you like.”

“Can we visit your mother, too?” 

“Maybe...” Hyungwon didn’t even know where her grave was. He’d never been there. 

 

———

 

“I think there’s a bit more than friendship between those two.” Hoseok fidgeted in he driver’s seat as they watched the pair from the car.

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“But it isn’t really allowed and you’re—”

“A stickler for the rules? Sure. But if two people are able to consent then I don’t see the problem. They aren’t taking advantage of each other’s vulnerability and they’re both perfectly lucid. I had my suspicions even before Minhyuk conned me out of a tube of lube.” Kihyun rolled his eyes. 

“Aw you’re such a romantic. Hyunwoo must be a good influence on you.”

“I’m not as much of a hardass as people think, y’know.”

“Oh I know. You’re all soft and gooey inside. Like a mama who only wants the best the best for her babies.”

“Oh fuck off, will ya?” He scoffed at the orderly. 

“You and Hyunwoo can be mama and papa bear. So cute!”

“Shut your face.” He turned away to hide the little smile on his face. 

“You’re smiling. I can see your reflection in the window.” 

“Ok. Enough of that. No more talking. We’re going to sit in silence now.”

“Ok, fine. Silence. Gotcha.” The older shrugged and looked out of the other window. 

Thirty seconds of silence stretched on and then—

Hoseok sneezed. 

“For fuck sake!” Kihyun barked. 

“Sorry!”

“You better not be sick. I can’t afford to catch anything.” 

“What kind of nurse is a germ phobe?”

“One who doesn’t have to generally deal with sick people. At least not physically sick. I’m not normally this bad anyway. I’m just a little freaked out because my routine has been interrupted by this. Even though I knew it was coming. I still wasn't prepared and didn't really know what to expect.”

“I thought you were just kinda uptight, I didn't realise you got so anxious.” Hoseok was doing his sympathetic voice. Kihyun didn’t want sympathy, though. 

“I’m glad I come across as just being uptight. I put a lot of effort into making sure that’s all people see.”

“It’s ok to show vulnerability sometimes, Ki.”

“Weakness doesn’t command respect.” The nurse huffed.

“Vulnerability and weakness aren’t the same thing. You’re very self critical. Besides, I think showing a little vulnerability does command respect. You’ve always had mine, regardless of anything else.”

A long pause as Kihyun looked back out the window. “...Can we go back to no talking?”

“Fine fine but I’m putting the radio on.”

A minute passed and Kihyun was the one to ruin the silence this time. “...Thanks, by the way.”

Hoseok just smiled.

As Hyungwon and Minhyuk walked back to the car, the older stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes were fixed on a man walking towards them. The man had some eerily familiar features. As he neared them, he visibly locked eyes with Minhyuk for a few seconds before walking straight past them. 

“Min?”

Minhyuk looked like he’d seen a ghost before snapping himself out of it. “Sorry.” He apologised quickly and walked the rest of the way back to the waiting car. 

“Who was that guy?” Hyungwon dared to ask as he held he umbrella up over Minhyuk while he climbed into the vehicle. 

“Nobody.”

**At least not anymore. He’s been nobody for a long time.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Time: Who was that man? Healing begins. 
> 
> ———
> 
> Hey guys so don’t be alarmed when I upload the last two chapters the final chapter count will go up because I’ll also add an epilogue but there are still only two chapters left of the main story. Oh my god it’s been a wild ride! Thank you for all the kudos and kind comments! I honestly didn’t expect it to be this well received!
> 
> In other news-  
> Took me all day to do the final proofing for this chapter because I was exhausted! Bright side: I requested BASTARZ’ Zero for Conduct in a nightclub last night and they actually played it. Lost my mind, it was awesome! Ha! Such a banger.  
> Bad news: There’s also video evidence of me and my friend sanding on a bench singing Linkin Park’s Numb at the top of our lungs last night.


	13. Night Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is scared of something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops. Over 7000 words. Also kinda dialogue heavy.  
> Feels alert!

**In the absence of clouds during the hours of darkness, it is possible to see distant stars and galaxies in blackness the night sky. This is providing you are in an area of low light pollution. Because the distances are so vast and it takes so long for light to travel across the vastness of space- some of the stars you see have long burnt out. They're extinguished but their light continues on past the ends of their lives.**

 

 

The morning after the funeral, Minhyuk was awake long before Hyungwon. He lay there holding the sleeping man’s hand and reflecting on everything that had happened and what was possibly ahead of him. It was a lot to sort through and his head still felt sluggish. It didn’t didn't help with the chaos, it was still chaotic inside his mind but now the chaos was just slower and harder to push through. 

“She would want me to live my life, right? Hyungwon said something like that, too. That he wanted to live his life because it’s what his mother would have wanted? That he didn’t want her sacrifice to be a waste.”

**Your mother sacrificed her life for you, too. She focussed all her time and energy on you from the day you were born.**

The voice was a little distant sounding still. He was glad it was back and making sense, though. He hated silence and the nonsense it spoke was frightening, almost as bad as the silence. Nothing was worse than silence. Silence was desolate and lonely.

“So then I won’t waste it.” 

**She barely spoke to her family because of you. Had no time for her friends or herself. You were her entire existence. She didn't ask for that.**

“I didn't ask for it, either.” Minhyuk frowned. “Stop saying that stuff.” Of course, the criticism he was hearing was only reflecting his own mood. He couldn’t really blame the voice. 

Hyungwon shifted a little under him. “Mmh what time is it?” The younger croaked sleepily.

Minhyuk looked up at the clock over the door. “6:32am. Sorry. I didn’t realise I was talking out loud. Did I wake you?”

“Yeah but it’s ok.” He rubbed over his face and reached he hand that wasn't in Minhyuk’s to grab his glasses and slide them onto his face. “Are you ok?”

**His face is all puffy in the morning. So cute. You’re so lucky. That’s something else not to waste.**

“I’m not sure. My mood feels strange.” He didn’t know how to put his feelings into words. They were too complicated. 

“That’s understandable. You’ve had a lot to deal with and it doesn’t help that the things those people were saying about you were awful. They’re supposed to be your family?”

“They always said I ruined her life. She told them they had to accept me otherwise she didn’t want to have their negativity around us. It made them pretty mad. She didn’t talk to them much. They liked my dad and they were sad when he left. She never talked about him much after but I recognised him.”

“What? He was there?” Hyungwon frowned a little. 

“He walked past us on the way back to the car. He wasn’t in the service.”

Of course. The man Hyungwon thought looked strangely familiar. Minhyuk really looked like his dad for sure. Especially his eyes. He’d looked right at Minhyuk and just walked past him like he was a stranger. “But he... didn’t even speak to you.”

“Why would he? He hasn’t seen me since I was a little kid.” The older blinked. 

“You’re his son...” Then again, his own father didn’t really seem to care about biology. Ever since early childhood Hyungwon had been convinced the man hated him. 

“I think he’s got married and had better kids than me. Normal ones. So why would he need me?” That upsettingly casual tone to his voice gripped at the younger’s heart strings. 

“Don’t talk about yourself like you’re some kind of defective product. That’s awful. People aren’t disposable.” Hyungwon stroked his hand tenderly through Minhyuk’s hair. 

The older leaned into the touch. “You don’t like it? That’s how it is when you talk about yourself as though you’re something less.”

Hyungwon observed the other’s face in the soft lighting for a long moment. “...So let’s both stop talking about ourselves like that. Ok?” Hyungwon pulled him down into a tight hug so that they lay together, fingers still running through his hair. “How can anyone throw you away?”

**Because people think you’re more trouble than you’re worth.**

“Hey, I’m hungry.” Minhyuk said abruptly, brain skipping over onto the next track. He had barely eaten for two weeks, after all. 

Hyungwon was used to these erratic changes and slowly released him to stretch out on the mattress. “They’ll be serving breakfast soon. Can I sleep a little more?”

“You sleep. I’ll go get some food and I’ll bring you some back. Ok? What do you want?”

“Mmmh just a banana or a peach is fine. Toast would be cold.”

“That isn’t much food.”

“I’ll make up for it at lunch.” Hyungwon wasn’t much of a breakfast lover, anyway. Before coming here it was a meal he’d skip in favour of more sleep. 

“Fiiiiine.” 

“Can I hug you for a little longer before you go?” Hyungwon held his arms open, wanting to make the most of being able to just hold the other before he’d have to leave him behind. The thought made anxiety grumble away in the pit of his stomach. He should be happy about leaving, right?

“I can’t say no.” Minhyuk nuzzled into the crook of his neck and took the younger’s hand back in his own. “Thank you for coming with me to the funeral. You were so brave. I know it was scary for you but you still came and I don’t think I would have been able to handle it without you. You’re so strong, Hyungwon.”

“I’m a coward but I would face any fear for you.”. 

“That’s the opposite of being a coward.”

“What makes you most afraid?” Hyungwon suddenly asked. 

“Me? Being alone.” He paused in thought. “Like right now I’m scared because don’t have a home to go to without my mother around and I’m afraid that when I leave here there will just be loneliness waiting for me.”

“You’re not going to be alone. Not while I still have breath in my body.”

“What are you the most afraid of?” Minhyuk lifted his head to watch Hyungwon’s expression. 

Hyungwon wanted to say everything. But then he really thought about it. “I don’t really know... maybe it’s accurate to say I’m afraid of the past? Because that’s where all my fear stems from.” Funny, in the end Minhyuk was afraid of the future and here he was fearing the past. 

“Your bad memories? Then I’ll make sure you have more good memories than bad.”

“God you’re so cheesy.” Hyungwon laughed lightly. “I love it though.”

They lay together for a little longer but Minhyuk was becoming restless and hungry. He soon got up and and got dressed, leaving Hyungwon who had fallen back asleep. He looked over the peacefully sleeping face before going out to the canteen. It was still early, most patients slept quite late and often skipped breakfast all together. 

It was pretty empty. Either Changkyun or I.M was sitting alone in a corner, looking down at a piece of paper. He looked lost. 

Minhyuk made a beeline for him and sat opposite. “Hey, you look sad.”

The younger looked up with a glare. “What is it to you?” Ah, must be I.M.

“I’m sad too right now but I’m trying not to be. Not as easy as that, though. So I thought maybe I’ll cheer you up and that’ll cheer me up, too.” Other people’s happiness always helped him feel better, after all. 

I.M stuffed the crumpled piece of paper and the pen next to it into his pocket. “I’m not fucking sad. I just have a stupid letter from Changkyun about how I’ve ruined his life. I was dumb and jealous and fucked things up for the both of us. The kid just wants to live his life. I’m the one who’s lost and he’s paid dearly for it...” He slammed his fist down on the table. “I’m such a selfish fucking cunt.”

“Don’t use that word! It’s so bad!” Minhyuk gasped and swatted his arm. 

“It’s just a word. Get the fuck over it.”

Minhyuk pursed his lips. “Do you really think you’re a selfish _C U Next Tuesday_?”

“Yeah because I don’t care, but he does. He coulda been something if it wasn’t for me.”

“Are you sorry? To Changkyun?”

“Yeah...” I.M sighed and looked down at the table. 

“So apologise and tell him why you’re sorry. It’s easy, isn’t it? Why do you have to be so angry all the time?”

I.M suddenly clenched his jaw. “I don’t need a lecture from some fucking weirdo in a mental asylum!” He smacked the plastic cup of water next to him, sending it flying and water splashing everywhere. “Why the fuck do you even talk to me? Just fuck off and leave me alone!” He spat and stood abruptly, chair falling over with a clatter.

All the eyes in the room fell on the two. Hoseok and another orderly took a few steps forward to step in if necessary but Nurse Yoo too a few steps even closer, motioning for the other two to not come closer. 

A moment of tension hung in the air. 

Minhyuk looked down sadly, sniffling and catching a tear with the back of his hand as it fell down his own cheek. 

“You’re gonna cry? Go ahead and cry. I’m the bad one, after all. I’m the one who fucks everything up! I’m the one who’s a mean asshole and pushes everyone away from us! I steal, I lie, I drink, I sleep around and I get into fights. I don’t give a fuck!” 

“I’m not crying cos you’re mean. I’m crying because you must be in a lot of pain.” Minhyuk sniffled, voice small. 

I.M’s breath stopped in his chest and the snarling expression dropped from his face. 

“I think we should settle down here, no?” Kihyun said in his authoritative but soft voice, having crossed the room entirely, Hoseok not far behind him. 

“Fuck this shit...” The younger scoffed quietly before turning and storming out, knocking over a few chairs on his way.

Kihyun moved to peruse him into the corridor, stopped by Hoseok grabbing his arm. “I’ll go.” The orderly said. 

The nurse knew sending out someone as physically intimidating as Hoseok after an angry patient with a severe dislike of authority was a bad idea. These were situations where his small stature came in handy, he wasn’t a physical threat to pretty much anyone. Reckless though it was. “No, you’ll just make him madder. He’ll just want to fight you. Stay with Min.” Kihyun pulled his arm back and hurried out into the corridor to find I.M seemingly trying to kick a hole in the cheaply built wall.

“Hey. You need to settle down.” 

“Fuck this place! Get the fuck away from me!” I.M rounded on the nurse, crowding him to try and intimidate him. 

“You need to stop this. You can’t go around lashing out at other patients or staff. Otherwise you could end up transferred to the other wing. You can’t be violent here, you’re only serving your court ordered time in this wing because you’re young and Dr Son pulled some strings for you.”

“It doesn’t matter! Nothing matters! This is just how I am. I don’t know how to be any other way.”

“Then allow us to help you. Both of you. You need to learn to let people in.” Nurse Yoo reached out to place his hand on I.M’s arm. 

On reflex, I.M shoved him away with enough force that he fell back and caught his shoulder on the corner of a small table where several self help booklets were laid out.

The younger recoiled a little at what he’d done. “Fuck I’m sorry. Shit. I didn’t mean to. I just—”

“It’s fine.” Kihyun pulled himself to his feet, a spot of blood growing on the sleeve of his uniform where there was now a tare in the fabric. 

“You’re gonna send me to the other side now aren’t you? Oh god please don’t. Changkyun would be so scared— I dunno why I should care but I do. Please! I’m sorry.”

“I said it’s fine. I shouldn’t have touched you unexpectedly.” He knew better than that. He’d dealt with combative patients enough. 

“I don’t want to push people away from us anymore. I don’t wanna be on my own and Changkyun doesn’t deserve it either. Please help me. Please help us.” He sobbed into his hands. 

“I will. Don’t worry, I won’t put in an incident report.” The nurse maintained a respectful distance this time. 

“But you’re bleeding, I hurt you!”

“I’m hardly gonna lose my arm. Just return to your room and I’ll come along in a little while.”

I.M nodded quickly and hurried back to his room, pulling the pen and piece of paper from his pocket, scrawling under Changkyun’s message. He pressed so hard that the pen tore the paper in parts. 

 

 _Changkyun,_  
_I’m sorry I ruined your life... I’m sorry_  
_I wouldn’t study and threw away your future._  
_I was angry and selfish._  
_So much anger and jealousy. Selfish like a kid._  
_I am alone, too. That I can relate to also._  
_Our loneliness is my fault. I know._  
_-I.M_

 

———

 

Hyungwon was still sleeping when Minhyuk came back. 

The younger was woken with a start when he felt things falling onto him. “Wha?” He sat up quickly to see probably as many peaches and bananas as Minhyuk could have possibly carried. 

“Got your breakfast as requested. Oh, and Hoseok gave me these because I was crying.” He pulled a handful of candies out of each pocket and dropped them on the bed, too. “I might have cried longer than I was upset for so he’d give me more, though.”

“Why were you crying?”

“Doesn’t matter. I was crying for someone else, don’t worry. Eat up!”

“Uhh I said banana _or_ a peach. Not like loads of both.” Hyungwon laughed. 

“You don’t have to eat them all at once. We might be late for lunch because Nurse Ahn said Dr Son wants to see you at 12:30.”

“Oh ok.” He picked up a banana and peeled it carefully before breaking a piece off and putting it in his mouth, chewing slowly. 

Minhyuk, pulled a face and sat opposite him on the bed. “You eat that really weirdly. Just bite it off.”

“I can’t, I get embarrassed. Bananas are kinda... phallic.” He’d never been able to publicly take a bite out of one.

Minhyuk burst out laughing. Properly laughing like a maniac for the first time in weeks.

“Don’t laugh at me!” Hyungwon didn’t mean it, though. Minhyuk could laugh at him as much as he liked. He broke off another piece and put it in his mouth, annoying the sound of rolling laughter. 

“You’re so funny, though!”

**He makes you forget about the sadness, doesn’t he?**

_“That’s not all. He makes me feel like I’m not alone.”_

 

———

 

Meanwhile, Kihyun found himself in the medical bay. His shoulder requiring attention. “So how did this happen?” Nurse Moon raised a brow as he dabbed at the abrasion on Kihyun’s shoulder with disinfectant soaked gauze.

Kihyun hissed at the stinging pain. “I fell and hit the corner of the table.”

“Right. Well, if you’re lucky you’ll get some sick leave out of it.” The other joked. 

“I don’t need sick leave. You’re not getting rid of me that easily. Sorry to disappoint.” Kihyun scoffed bitterly. 

“I was kidding. Jeez. This place is a mess when you’re not here, anyway. We need you.”

“I’d have thought you’d love not having me here.”

“You’re firm but fair. Do you really think we dislike you? Everyone here has a lot of respect for you climbing up to Charge Nurse so early in your career. Even the old girls who’ve been here since before we were born love you and they don’t love anyone. They keep tutting about standards slipping whenever I walk past with my purple shoes.”

“Thought I was just a joke to you all...” Kihyun blinked, genuinely surprised. 

“We’re just kidding when we tease. We’ve never meant to make you feel bad. I certainly haven’t. I’m sorry, I really am. Maybe we take things too far.”

“I... thank you.” Kihyun smiled a little. “Seriously though Taeil, get some new shoes. Those really are extremely unprofessional.”

“Jaehyo says there cool!”

“What Jaehyo says doesn’t change the uniform policy.”

There was a knock at the door. 

“Enter!” Taeil called. 

Hyunwoo sheepishly peered in. “Sorry. Shall I come back? I heard Ki— Nurse Yoo was injured and I—”

“No no, you can apply the dressing, Doctor.” Nurse Moon winked, knowingly. “If you remember how. When did you last medically treat somebody?” He chuckled and removed his gloves.

The doctor thought. “Two years ago? A woman had a seizure next to me on a train.”

“Ah then a dressing will be a breeze! I’m sure Charge Nurse Yoo will keep you right.” He chuckled and left the pair alone. 

“What happened, Ki?” Hyunwoo frowned with concern. 

“I fell and caught my shoulder on he corner of a table. It’s fine. Just another ruined tunic.”

Hyunwoo washed his hands, put on a pair of gloves and sat on the stool opposite Kihyun where he sat shirtless on the examination table. He peered at the injury carefully. It wasn't deep but looked painful, the corner of the table had taken off enough layers of skin to make it bleed and had left an abrasion about two inches long. 

“Will I live, doc?” Kihyun joked. 

“You will. Has Nurse Moon already cleaned it?”

“Yeah.”

“Y’know, Hoseok and Kwan said something about I.M storming out and you following him.” Hyunwoo looked at him sceptically. 

“And then I fell.”

The doctor peeled half the backing off the dressing. “I see. You know I don’t believe you, right?”

“Doesn’t matter. Nobody can fill in an incident report based on something they didn't see and I’m certainly not going to be doing one. He’s not a danger, it was my fault. I made a mistake and touched him suddenly. He was extremely apologetic. If he gets a violence report in his file he’ll have to go to the east wing and I don’t think that’ll be good for him or Changkyun.”

“It’s your call.” Hyunwoo placed the dressing over the injury carefully, watching the nurse wince in pain. “Just please don’t go running after potentially aggressive patients on your own. What if you’d hit your head rather than your shoulder? You aren’t indestructible, you could have really been hurt.”

“I’m sorry...” Kihyun looked down.

“But yes, this time you’ll live. It’s probably gonna bruise up bad, though and it’ll likely leave a scar.”

“I promise I won’t be so reckless.”

“Good. Do you have a spare tunic?”

“Yeah, in my locker. Would you mind grabbing it for me?” He handed over his staff ID with his locker key attached. 

“Of course. Do you need pain relief?”

“I have naproxen in my bag, I’ll be fine.”

“Alright. I’ll get your tunic and then I really have to get on, I’m running a little behind today because I’ve had to squeeze Hyungwon in at 12:30.” Hyunwoo sighed. There were never enough hours in the day. 

“For his discharge plan?”

“Yeah.”

“Let me know how it goes.”

“Of course.”

After he fetched the tunic from Kihyun’s extremely organised locker and helped him into it, Hyunwoo had to go through some emails from the hospital’s lawyers. More of the kind of stuff he hated. But it had to be done, he supposed. If he didn’t get it done I’m the day time he’d end up having to either stay late or take his laptop home with him to finish it there. He was already acutely aware that his sleeping patterns were becoming unhealthy. 

By the time Hyungwon came to his office, he was already seven cups of coffee deep. He should really cut down on the caffeine. 

“How would you feel about being discharged this time next month?” It never escaped him how every time he saw Hyungwon, a little bit of the discomfort in the young man’s posture disappeared. Don’t get him wrong, Hyungwon still looked like he wanted to escape whenever he was in his office. But now it was less so. Most people were a little tense when in a psychiatric doctor’s office, after all. Especially patients with anxiety as one of their issues. Even Kihyun would never sit down in there. 

“That’s... so soon.” He bit his lip nervously. 

“You can, of course, attend any job interviews before then. Nurse Yoo is excellent under pressure, I suggest asking him for advice.” The doctor smiled. “And don’t forget to let me proof read your applications.”

“Thank you for the help you’re giving me.”

“You still have your concerns, I know. Please put your trust in me, Hyungwon.”

Hyungwon nodded, everything was becoming very real now. How was he supposed to tell Minhyuk he was going to be leaving so soon? Especially when loneliness was aparently his greatest fear. 

“I’ve managed to find you a place in the same shared accommodation as Jooheon. That should at least give you some sense of familiarity. I know shared accommodation is probably not something you’d be thrilled about but it’ll do as a roof over your head until you start working.”

Hyungwon nodded. He had enough savings to live on for about two months if he couldn’t deal with the proximity of community accommodation. 

“The fact you found me a place to stay... it means my grandparents don’t want me back there, doesn’t it?”

The doctor sighed. “I’m sorry, I tried to reason that it would be better for you to stay with them until you found your feet again but...”

“It’s fine. I won’t be a burden to them anymore. Tell them that.”

“I’m really sorry, Hyungwon.” 

Hyunwoo tried not to feel like a failure. He’d pleaded with Hyungwon’s grandparents for hours over the phone. Perhaps in the end it was for the best. It didn’t sound like the most positive environment in the world. 

When Hyungwon finally left the office and returned to their room he saw Minhyuk still there, munching his way through the candy he’d got from Hoseok. 

“Don’t you want to go outside?” Hyungwon asked. 

“Not really. The walls just kinda make me feel trapped lately... besides, it’s cold and raining and I get called back inside when the weather’s like this.” 

He really should just tell him now. Hyungwon swallowed hard. “Uh... hey so... they’ve given me a discharge date.”

“Oh? When for?” Minhyuk sat straighter. 

“In a month.” Hyungwon watched the other’s reaction carefully. The movement through a series of emotions in the space of a heartbeat. 

“Please don’t leave me.” He buried his face in his hands. “I don’t wanna be alone.”

“Hey no I’m not leaving you. I just won’t be in here. I’ll visit and I’ll be waiting for you when you leave, too.” He sat on the bed next to him and put an arm around his shoulders, tugging him closer. 

**You’re being selfish. You knew this would happen. You knew he’d leave here before you. Don’t make him feel guilty for leaving this place.**

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I keep crying.” Minhyuk rubbed over his damp face. “This is good because it means you can finally go out and live your life. Like you said you wanted to. I’ll just have to make the most of having you here this month.” He turned and kissed the other’s cheek. 

“You won’t be here forever, Min. I promise I’ll be the first thing you see when you step out of those front doors.” 

“I’ll work extra hard to be able to leave as soon as possible.”

“I’ll wait as long as it takes, Min. I hope you know I wouldn’t be getting out of here so soon if it wasn’t for you.”

**The reality you don’t want to think about is that if it wasn’t for him you’d have left here already, inside a body bag.**

_“Why think about upsetting things that could have happened when they didn’t?”_

Minhyuk picked up a lollipop from next to him and offered it to Hyungwon.

“Uhh sucking those make me kinda embarrassed, too. Like the banana.”

Minhyuk huffed out a laugh. “You’re so weird. How do you live?” He pulled off the wrapper and popped the thing into his mouth, offering up a different piece of candy instead. 

“Your teeth are gonna drop out if you eat too much sugar.” Hyungwon nagged and took the chewy fruit flavoured piece of candy, throwing it in the air and catching it in his mouth. 

Minhyuk shrugged. “Guess I’ll just have to blend up all my food then.” He pulled the lollipop out of his mouth with a _pop_ which made the younger blush slightly. “You said we can go see my mother when we’re both out of here. You should visit yours, too. Can we? Please?”

Ah, this topic again. “Maybe.”

“You said that before. Why maybe? Don’t you want to go?” 

“I don’t know where she is. I’d have to ask my grandparents... I’ve never felt ready to go there.”

“Oh... sorry. When you’re ready, we can go.” He held the lollipop up to Hyungwon. “Wanna lick?”

Hyungwon pulled a face. “Ew no it’s been in your mouth.”

Minhyuk blinked, confused. “Your tongue’s been in my mouth. Also, you swallowed my come. Why is candy I’ve sucked a problem?”

Hyungwon’s cheeks were turning redder and redder. “I-I dunno. I guess it’s not different.” He took the lollipop and placed it in his own mouth. “Mmm it’s good. Maybe I won’t give it back.”

 **Let him keep it. He’s so cute.**

“Nooo it’s mine. You said you didn’t want one. I only offered you a lick!” Minhyuk whined. 

 

________________

 

 

A further four days passed by and Minhyuk’s moods seemed to stabilise, finally. He’d even started going outside again, though his energy was still somewhat lacking. 

That was when Dr Son called both him and Hyungwon to his office. 

“How are you both feeling?”

“Still strange but better I guess. It’s hard.” Minhyuk’s admitted. He always found it hard to express what he was feeling, especially when his emotions were so complex and hard for him to even understand. 

“Nervous about next month.” Hyungwon looked down. As usual, he seemed so ashamed of his anxiousness. 

**Ask the doctor what he’s scared of. Then maybe Hyungwon will feel less ashamed of his own fear. Everyone is scared of something. That might have been why Hyungwon asked you what you’re scared of. Maybe he wanted to reassure himself everyone gets scared.**

“Can I ask you something?” Minhyuk asked quickly. 

“Of course. Anything.” The doctor nodded. 

“What are you most afraid of?”

The doctor sat back in his chair a little and thought. “That’s a good question. I guess I’m afraid that someone will come to harm because I haven’t done my best for them.”

“But you’re such a good doctor.”

“Well thank you, Minhyuk.” Dr Son smiled. 

**Ask Nurse Yoo, too.**

“What about you, Nurse Yoo?”

“I uh... can’t really think of anything.”

“Everyone’s afraid of something.”

The nurse looked between the three faces in the room, conflict in his expression. “I’m afraid of not having control. I’m afraid that something terrible will happen as a result of my existence and so I carry out certain tasks which help ease that feeling. I’m afraid almost all the time. I’m good at hiding it but it gets very exhausting.” 

**He isn’t like normal people. He has something wrong with his brain too, doesn’t he? That’s not how normal people function.**

Hyungwon looked over to the nurse, processing what he’d just admitted to. Ever present fear. Fear that was different to his own but fear none the less. If Nurse Yoo could function so well then why couldn’t he?

“Anyway, the reason I wanted you both to come here is that this was given to me by the lawyer handling your mother’s estate.” Dr Son slid an envelope across the desk. It was sealed and had Minhyuk’s name written on it. “It’s a letter from her to you.”

Minhyuk slowly took it and turned it over in his hands. The sadness was seeping back in through the cracks. He knew his mother’s handwriting. He knew the way she wrote his name and the way the ink would always be smudged because she was left handed and her hand would smear the freshly laid down pigment as she wrote. 

“She wrote to me also and I understand that letter should answer any questions you may have about what will happen in the future. But if it doesn’t, then come and ask me anything.”

“Do I have to open it now.”

“You can open it whenever you like. We thought you might like to wait until you were in your room with Hyungwon.” Nurse Yoo said gently. 

Minhyuk nodded. “Can we go and do it now?”

“Of course.” The doctor sat back again as Minhyuk stood and took Hyungwon’s hand, hurriedly leading him out of the office. 

This was his last chance to experience his mother’s words. He was excited and terrified at the same time. Those two emotions laying on top of a deep and heavy sadness the idea also brought with it. 

Even with his long legs, Hyungwon could barely keep up as he was dragged up the stairs and down the hallway. 

As soon as the door of their room closed behind him, Minhyuk pulled the letter open and looked over it. He frowned a little as his eyes scanned the blocks of handwriting.

“Will you read it out to me? It’s long and I’m not good at understanding handwritten things.” He offered the letter out to Hyungwon. 

It was clearly written over the period of at least a few days. Maybe even longer. The ink was different in some parts and the handwriting became messier as she must have grown weaker and more exhausted. Hyungwon felt a little nervous as he took the pieces of paper. Adjusting the glasses on his face. “Tell me if you want me to stop.” 

“I don’t think I’ll want you to stop.” Minhyuk sat himself down on the bed, patting the space next to him. 

Hyungwon sat himself next to him. “To my Minnie-moon. I’m sorry I had to leave you before you were ready. Unfortunately, sometimes things that make us sad happen, just like things that make us happy. The happiest day of my life was when you were born. The midwife placed you in my arms and I thought to myself that you were the most amazing thing I’d ever laid my eyes on. The way you wrapped your tiny little fingers around my thumb made my heart burst with joy.” Hyungwon paused to swallow the emotion building in his throat. “I remember when you smiled and laughed for the first time. You barely ever stopped smiling from that point onwards.” Hyungwon took another breath. This was hitting home in ways he didn’t expect. Memories of the love his own mother had showered him with when his father wasn’t around. 

“You don’t have to read it if it makes you upset... I’m sorry for making you do it.” Minhyuk’s said quietly. “Am I being selfish?”

“No, I’ll read it. It’s fine.” He took another long slow breath to compose himself and continued. “We had hard times, didn’t we? I wish I could have protected you from the world and from people’s harsh words and their awful actions. I know you didn’t want to go into a facility again but my body was rapidly weakening and I couldn’t bare the thought that if I took my eye off you for a moment you would try to hurt yourself again. I also wanted to know that you would be ok when I left you. Though, at the time I thought I’d have longer than this. You may have times again in your life where you feel desperate but I beg of you not to do that to yourself again. Just remember that every storm passes and that even if I’m not there physically, I still love you dearly. Even if you find yourself in a position where your mind shows you things that aren’t there and it frightens you, remember that I’m there with you in some way. You won’t ever be alone, I promise. And speaking of such, I’m glad you have found someone to care for and who cares for you in return. Remember to give your heart only to someone who deserves it. Hearts are tender and fragile things and once given away they can’t be taken back in the same condition. So give your heart to someone who will give you theirs in return and will keep yours close to them and take care of it.” Hyungwon squinted at the final passage. The handwriting was the hardest of all to understand. 

“Is that the end?” Minhyuk’s voice quivered. He was crying again. 

“No, one sec.” He read it over to make sure it made sense. “I’m leaving everything to you. The money I’ve been keeping from the divorce since your father left and the value of the house. My work pension. Everything I have. So you will always have the support you need. It is a special fund so you won’t have to worry about managing the money yourself. I trust Dr Son Hyunwoo and the hospital with ensuring your future.” The next part made Hyungwon really choke up. “Goodbye, my perfect son. I love you so much. Remember to always be kind and loving. Allow people to help you when you need it and offer a hand to those who need it too. Don’t leave space in your soul for anger or hate, it only leads to unhappiness. Love with all of your being at every single moment. I am so proud of you, my sunshine.”

**Love with all of your heart. Give it to someone who will take care of it.**

“Hey Hyungwon?” 

“Mmh?” Hyungwon looked up, tears running down his cheeks. 

“This,” Minhyuk put his hand on his own chest and made a finger heart before slowly moving it through the space between them and into Hyungwon’s palm. “Is for you.”

Hyungwon curled his hand around Minhyuk’s. “I’ll look after it.” He made his own finger heart and held it out to the older. “Take this.”

Minhyuk smiled widely and took his other hand, leaning in and pressing their lips together tenderly.

“I love you, Chae Hyungwon.” He pressed their foreheads together so that they were still close enough to breathe each other’s air. 

“I love you too, Lee Minhyuk.”

 

____________

 

The contents of the letter had given Hyungwon the motivation he needed to sit down and apply for jobs. He needed to be able to support himself when he left this place to start his life again. Especially since he was going to be there for Minhyuk when he followed. He wanted nothing more than for his new life to be spent together with him. 

As promised, Nurse Yoo allowed him to use the computer in the nursing office. He’d already been typing away for an hour when the nurse walked in. 

“What are you applying for? Out of curiosity.” He asked. 

“Some cafes since I’ve done that sort of thing before and have experience... they’re also advertising for someone to work in the national museum’s literature archives. It would be amazing but... I probably won’t even bother to apply. I doubt I’d even get an interview.”

“You should apply for it. What do you have to lose?” 

“I wouldn’t want to waste their time making them read my application.” Hyungwon sighed and sat back in the uncomfortable chair. 

“Apply. Otherwise I’ll be annoyed. It sounds great for you. It’ll actually be making use of that university degree you worked so hard to get.”

Hyungwon chewed his lower lip and furrowed his brow a little. 

“Hyungwon, I know you’re scared. The worst that will happen is they say no. And if you get an interview I’ll help you. I’m really good at interviews and stuff like that.” 

“Ok... I’ll apply.”

The nurse smiled triumphantly. “Don’t forget to let Dr Son proof read it. He offered, right?”

“Yeah but I don’t want to bother him.”

“Hyungwon, he wouldn’t have offered if he didn’t want to. Besides, if you do it yourself you might miss stuff.” He crossed his arms sternly. 

“Ok... I’m sorry. God, it’s gonna take me ages to write the application for it.” He rubbed his tired eyes under his glasses. 

“Do you drink coffee?” Nurse Yoo asked. 

“Yeah. Before coming here, that is.” Because caffeine was a stimulant and not given to patients. God, he missed coffee. 

“How do you take it?”

“My coffee? Uh strong with just a little milk but—” 

“Get on with your application. I’ll be back.” And with that, the nurse was gone. 

Hyungwon turned his attention back to the computer screen and began typing. He had to make himself quite as eloquently as possible if he was going to stand a chance. 

It wasn’t long before a cup was placed next to him and the familiar scent of coffee met his nose. 

“Strong with just a little bit of milk. Sorry, it’s the shared staff coffee so it kinda tastes like it’s made with what they clean out the back of an industrial coffee grinder at the end of the month.” 

Hyungwon picked up the mug and it occurred to him this was the first time since he arrived he’d drank anything that wasn’t in either a plastic or paper cup. The china mug felt heavy in his hand. “You didn’t have to. I thought it wasn’t allowed.”

“I won’t tell if you won’t. I’d need coffee to sit and do stuff like that for any period of time.” He shrugged and began removing the patient files from the trolley and setting them on the floor. 

Hyungwon sipped the drink carefully. Fuck, he missed that deep and bitter taste. “Thank you.”

“In return could you put up with me sorting through some files while you work?”

“Um ok. I mean, it’s not my space. How long is your shift? It’s getting late.” It was easy to forget the staff there had lives beyond the unit. 

“Hm, oh I finished about an hour ago.”

“Am not keeping you from going home, am I?”

“No. I always stay late. I reorganise all the patients notes every night.” He settled himself on the floor, not looking at Hyungwon. 

Something clicked in Hyungwon’s mind, remembering what the nurse had said about being afraid that not doing certain tasks would have terrible consequences. “So you feel less... afraid?”

“...Yeah. Well, less anxious, to be accurate. I know it doesn’t make sense but like... if I don’t do it the world doesn’t feel right. Then I can’t rest and the anxiety drives me nuts.” 

“I didn’t realise you struggled with anxiety.”

“I don’t really freely admit it but I have OCD.” He still wasn’t looking at Hyungwon. 

“...Has anybody ever told you that you’re amazing, Nurse Yoo?”

“What?” The nurse finally looked up and blinked. Praise was generally something he had to rely on himself for. It was always a shock when it came from elsewhere. 

“To deal with your own issues on top of the issues of others. You’re a deeply caring person, too. It’s very admirable. The way you treat patients is refreshing.”

“You know... I’ll always remember the first day on placement during my nursing training. I was told that we shouldn’t just look at the illness, that we should look at the person that exists behind it. Be that a person experiencing psychosis, somebody suffering with a degenerative brain disorder, someone with cancer or someone with any other illness.” He turned his attention to the files, laying them out in a specific order. “It’s been a trying few weeks for me so I hope you don’t mind my company for a while.”

“Not at all.” They both worked away on their asks in concentrated silence, interrupted only by the clicking of keys under Hyungwon’s fingertips and he soft shuffling of paper on the floor.

Every now and again, Hyungwon would look over and observe the methodical nature of what the other was doing. Every time he looked he saw that the frown had disappeared a little more, until the nurse’s expression was calm and relaxed. Almost content, actually. 

It took Kihyun over two hours to get the world feeling right again. He sighed deeply and leaned back to lay on the floor, his back aching from he awkward sitting position. “Jeez I’m getting old.”

“You can’t be much older than me, though.” Hyungwon chuckled and looked at him laying on the floor. 

“I’m really not far off you in age, actually.” Kihyun laughed grimly. “But I feel about 75 years old today. Twelve hour shifts will do that to you.”

“Hmm yeah I can kinda relate. Almost. When I worked at the cafe I was there for twelve hours a day and would pretty much not sit down once. My feet would be killing me.”

“Ever get plantar fasciitis?” Kihyun draw his knees up to stretch his lower back a bit. 

“Yes! Worst pain ever. Especially first thing in the morning. Felt like I’d broken both my feet and it lasted over a year.”

“I had it for about two years straight and had to get steroid injections in my feet.” Kihyun cringed at the memory. “Now I wear these special insoles.”

“I had some for work, too. They were a blessing. Do you get pain on the inside of your knee joints, too?”

“Sometimes, especially by the end of when I’ve done a lot of shifts. My hips ache by then, too.” He lamented. 

“My lower back was always the worst when I’d been standing.” Hyungwon rubbed his lower back, sitting at the computer had made it hurt, too. 

“Tell me bout it. Ugh! Well if you need motivation for the archiving job just think you won’t have to be standing grinding coffee while your body screams in agony agin.”

“True!” Hyungwon laughed. It was nice to have a normal conversation like a normal person. To gripe about joint pain and the likes. It didn’t feel like they were patient and nurse. Just people. “We sound like grumpy old men.”

“I’m embracing the grumpy old man life.” He hauled himself up, grabbing the edge of the desk to help himself up. “Now don’t stay awake too late. I have to head home now, otherwise I’ll miss my last bus and I really don’t wanna walk. It’s freezing.”

“Have a safe journey home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go of the main story! The total chapter count will increase from 14 to 15 but that’s just because I’ll add an epilogue at the end. ^__^
> 
> ____
> 
>  
> 
> Next time:  
>  _“Can we— can we make love? Please?”_  
>  _“Are you sure? Is it ok?”_  
>  _“Yeah... I trust you. Please...”_


	14. Blue Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the last chapter of the main story! You may have noticed there’s an extra chapter to be added- that’ll be the epilogue to give you guys some closure ;) 
> 
> Hyungwon applies for the job he desperately wants and prepares to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Explicit sexual content ahead! Also more feels!  
> (Oh, and I’ve indulged myself by tossing a couple of bird related facts into this chapter because weather facts aren’t enough! Sorry, I just love birds and I’m gonna fly some falcons this weekend).
> 
> Also: oops, another super long chapter because I can’t control myself. Just shy of 9000 words ^^;

**The sky appears blue because of the way light is scattered in all directions by molecules in the atmosphere. Blue is scattered more than the other colours of the spectrum, apart from purple, because of the nature of its wavelength. The sky doesn’t appear purple because our eyes detect frequencies closet to the middle of the spectrum far better. Thus, we see a blue sky.**

 

 

The days felt numbered to Hyungwon as they slipped by, the date of his discharge drawing in. His feelings were becoming more and more mixed.

“It’s snowing again!” Minhyuk exclaimed as he ran outside one morning, bursting through the doors and throwing himself into the deep snow with a giggle.

Before Hyungwon could follow, there was a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see Dr Son holding up the job application he’d given him to proof read. 

“I read the application over. It’s very good. Very honest, bravely honest. I think that will be appreciated. There were just a couple of typos that I corrected but other than that, it was perfect. You write extremely well, your love of literature really shines through.”

“Thank you. I’ll submit it tonight.” He took the pieces of paper and scanned over the corrections. “I hope I stand a chance.” It felt like more than his own future was on his shoulders. 

“I dare say you stand a very good chance.” The doctor smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners. “But good luck all the same.” 

Meanwhile, Minhyuk was rolling around in the snow like an excited puppy when a voice cut through the muffled quiet of the silently falling snowflakes. 

“Hey!”

Minhyuk looked up. The young man by the door stood with a guarded posture and sharp eyes. Or maybe he was just cold? It could have been Changkyun as much as it could have been I.M. But then again, the tone of voice was the giveaway. “I.M? Are you here for a snowball rematch?”

“No. I’m here to apologise...” He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down, kicking at the snow a little. “I was being a jerk and I’m sorry. I was just mad at myself and I took it out on you.” 

Minhyuk made his way over and extended a hand, the other kept out of sight behind his back. “Apology accepted.”

I.M looked at the hand and back up to the gently smiling face. Then back to the hand as he took it and shook. Suddenly he felt something freezing cold on his head, Minhyuk had dumped a handful of snow on top of him and was now grinning like an idiot. “Fuck!”

“Sorry I couldn’t resist. Guess you’ll just have to get me back!” The older laughed and ran away, his impish nature finding its way back in. 

I.M blinked, dumbfounded for a few moments before breaking out into a laugh, himself. “You sneaky asshole!” He scooped up some snow and formed it into a ball. “Get back here!”

“You guys, Nurse Yoo says to come and put some warm clothes on if you’re gonna be out here.” Hyungwon called out of the doors, only to earn a snowball to the chest. “Hey! Don’t shoot the messenger! Come on!” It was nice to see Minhyuk laughing and playing around again. It was nice to see him like this with I.M, too. It warmed his heart to it’s very core and dispelled some of his concerns about leaving.

Once the three of them were in warmer clothes and coats, they were back outside. Larking around until Hyungwon was too tired to carry on and left the pair to it, conceding his defeat. I.M had a surprising amount of energy when he wanted, his usually flat affect aside. He could even keep up with Minhyuk, something Hyungwon struggled with as his life been a mostly sedentary existence up to this point. 

He slunk back inside to sit in his spot in the corner, somewhere he hadn’t been inhabiting much while Minhyuk’s wasn’t leaving their room. He picked up the ornithology book on his way, the very same book he’d picked up the first time he’d entered that room. He supposed he’d never get the chance to finish it now. Not that he had much of an intention to. 

He cracked it open to a random page as he settled himself down. 

_Corvus macrorhynchos, the large-billed crow, found widespread across Asia. The overall size, length 18–23 inches, and body proportions vary regionally. As the common name suggests, their beaks are long and the upper part is thick and arched, sometimes leading to misidentification as Corvus corax- the common raven._

He looked at the image of a crow on the page. The deep blacks and blues of it’s feathers. The way it’s wings were spread elegantly. The way it’s sharp talons and powerful beak were perfectly adapted for it’s survival. It was a truly beautiful creature. It made him think of all the beauty nature had to offer out in the world he’d hidden himself away from. Sitting alone in his apartment or his room at his grandparent’s house for days on end. Not even seeing sunlight. Only emerging for work and when he absolutely had to. Even while he was with his ex he’d shut himself away in another room and would sometimes beg the universe for the man not to enter when he heard footsteps near the door. Hiding away from the world and people’s eyes. 

Not anymore. He wouldn’t allow himself to be like that again. He’d spread his wings. 

For the first time he felt a trickle of excitement at the prospect of being able to go out and experience things. See things. To leave the narrow world of the psychiatric unit and the even narrower world of his own fear which he’d become entombed in. 

He traced the outline of the bird’s wing on the page. Birds were the embodiment of freedom, weren’t they? 

 

———

 

That night, Hyungwon was sat in the nursing office while Nurse Yoo was sifting through the patient notes again. He enjoyed the silent company. Despite the rather abnormal situation, it felt the opposite. 

He let the mouse hover over the ‘submit’ button for at least half an hour as he gazed at the screen, almost in a trance. He only looked away when a cup of coffee was placed next to him. “Oh. Thank you.” He looked up. 

“Are you going to click the button or just stare at it all night?” Nurse Yoo mused as he settled himself back onto the floor. 

“Deadline is midnight so I can only stare for another three hours.”

“Hmm. You’ll ruin your eyes if you look at the screen that long.”

“I think they’re already ruined. I’ve been putting off getting a new prescription for my glasses. That’ll be one of the first things I do when I leave.” Hyungwon sipped the coffee slowly. He always found he could drink coffee at any hour and it wouldn’t impact his sleep. It didn’t really do much to wake him up, either. It had just became a habit for him with maybe a hint of a placebo effect. Still, it was a habit he enjoyed. “How are you doing?” He asked the nurse after a few gulps of the pleasantly bitter liquid. 

“Me?” The man on the floor glanced up questioningly at him. 

“Yeah. Last time you said it had been a trying few weeks for you. I just wondered if it had gotten any better.”

Nurse Yoo looked at him for a while, not used to being asked by patients if he was ok. “Yeah, actually. Things are better now. There had been some change in my life, good change, but even good change can throw me off a little. And it had been hard to see Minhyuk so devastated and there had been some other difficult patients. Sometimes my emotions get on top of me, I’m only human.” He began placing the notes back in the trolley. “I have felt much better recently, though.”

“Good, I’m glad.” He looked back at the screen and held his breath before submitting the application. 

“You sent it?”

“Yeah. It would be nice to get this job, I really don’t want to work in a cafe again.”

“Very understandable.” 

Hyungwon sat back and sipped at his coffee until it was gone, just in time for him to wish the nurse a safe journey home and an air or strange normality. 

 

________________

 

There followed few days of uneasiness for Hyungwon, wondering when he’d hear back about the job. He sat at dinner, chewing his rice unenthusiastically because of his distracted mind. 

“You have this.” Minhyuk dropped the slices of cucumber from the garnish at the side of his dish into Hyungwon’s bowl. 

“Did you forget to ask them to not give you cucumber?”

“No. I like when you eat, figured I’d just give them to you.”

“Fattening me up? Probably gonna have to feed me something other than cucumber. They're mostly water.” Hyungwon chuckled. 

“Well I like everything else on my plate, sorry. Only cucumber for you today.” Minhyuk looked at him for a few moments. “You looked sad. What’s wrong?”

“I’m nervous about this job. I should hear something today or tomorrow.”

“I’m sure you’ll get it!”

“Well I need them to offer me an interview first.”

“You’re really smart. You’ll do great.”

“I’m more concerned about my nerves getting the better of me and forgetting how to speak.”

Minhyuk opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by Nurse Ahn coming over to them. “Sorry, Hyungwon. Will you go see Dr Son in his office as soon as you’re done eating?”

That could only mean one thing. News about whether he’d been offered the interview. He tensed up instantly. “O-Ok.”

“He said not to worry.” The nurse took his leave. 

“Do you mind if I go?” Hyungwon shook himself out of his daze. 

“But you haven’t finished eating.” Minhyuk frowned. “He said after you finish.”

“Right.” He picked up the spoon and started to shovel the rest of his food into his mouth as quickly as possible. 

“You look so cute but please don’t choke.” Minhyuk chuckled. 

“Sorry. I know it’s bad manners but he must want to see me about the job.” He swallowed without chewing enough, wincing as the food took it’s time sliding down his oesophagus. “Ugh my stomach’s gonna hurt tonight.”

“Should I scold you for eating too fast?”

The younger shoved the last spoonful into his mouth, being sure to chew it a little better before swallowing this time. “Next time you can.” He dipped his head politely to make up for his poor table manners before standing. “I’ll see you in the room?”

Minhyuk nodded in response before Hyungwon dismissed himself, taking himself away to the office. Nervous anticipation building up in the middle of his chest, causing him to burst into the room without knocking. 

The doctor looked up from what he was writing, surprised at the sudden swinging open of the door. 

“Sorry!” Hyungwon bowed in apology, closing the door in front of him and shutting himself back into the corridor. He took a few breaths to calm himself before knocking on the heavy oak door. 

“Come in, Hyungwon!” Came the voice from inside, sounding amused.

Shyly he entered. “Sorry I didn’t knock the first time.”

“It’s ok.” The doctor laughed. “Come sit.”

Hyungwon hurried to sit himself down on the edge of the seat.

“Congratulations, Hyungwon. They’re offering you an interview. It’ll be on Monday at 11am. Someone will have to go with you, as it’s that hospital’s policy. Nurse Yoo has volunteered if that’s ok with you.”

“Y-Yeah. Oh god that’s so soon. I’m so bad at interviews.” Now for the next wave of anxiousness. Now he had to sit and get through an interview. 

“Correct me if I’m wrong but you have had jobs before, yes? And I assume you had to sit an interview for those and an interview for your university place?”

“Yeah...”

“Then I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.” The doctor placed his hands on the desk. 

“I... used to be better at faking being ok.”

“And now you can do this without having to fake it. Nurse Yoo will be a good support for you. I’ll organise a taxi since he doesn’t drive and the hospital will cover the cost as a staff expense.” He looked over the young man. “You look terrified, Hyungwon.”

“I don’t want to fail.”

“Look back at where you were and see how far you’ve come. Just think of all the coping strategies you’ve covered in sessions with the counsellors and myself.”

Hyungwon nodded. He couldn't afford to let this opportunity slip through his fingers. He owed it to his mother and he owed it to himself, too. “Thank you. For everything.”

“I can give you some interview pointers, if you like. Some common questions.”

“I don’t want to take up your time more than I already have.” 

“Well, either I can give you some helpful information or I can sit here and procrastinate until Kihyun notices I’m still here when he leaves and he’ll come and yell at me for all the procrastinating. You’ll be sparing me his wrath.”

“I just realised I didn’t know his first name. Assuming you mean Nurse Yoo.”

The doctor seemed to then notice his slip. “Oops. Don’t tell him, I’ll be a dead man.”

“I won’t breathe a word, promise.” Hyungwon chuckled.

 

———

 

Hyungwon had spent a while in the office, longer than he expected. It was getting late by the time he got back to the room to find Minhyuk curled up asleep in the bed, arms tightly hugging the pillow. 

Quietly as possible, Hyungwon changed into his pyjamas, knowing how much of a light sleeper the other could be. One changed, he placed his glasses down on the table next to a peach that Minhyuk must have brought along.

As steadily as he could, he climbed into bed next to Minhyuk, an arm draping over his waist. 

“Hyungwon?” Minhyuk stirred awake, despite the younger’s best efforts.

“Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you.”

“It’s ok...” He rubbed his face sleepily. “I was tired to I slept early. I brought you a peach to celebrate if you got the interview or cheer you up if you didn't.” He released the pillow in favour of turning and wrapping his arms around Hyungwon’s slim form. 

“Then it’s a celebration peach.” 

“You got it? Good, I’m so pleased for you. I bet you’ll rock the interview.” A sleepy kiss was pressed to the corner of Hyungwon’s lips. “Are you excited?”

“Nervous. But happy even though feel like I’m running out of time, even though I know leaving is the beginning rather than the end.” Hyungwon returned the soft kiss with another. “I’ll miss cuddling with you every night.”

“Me too. It’s gonna be lonely in here without you.”

**You still have me to talk to. To break the silence you hate.**

 

_______________

 

Hyungwon felt guilty for leaving Minhyuk to run around outside in the snow alone, but he really needed to prepare for the weekend. 

He wrote out a list of possible questions he’d be asked and was half way through deciding how he’d answer them when Changkyun came and sat himself down next to him. “Hey I wanted to catch you before you leave.”

Hyungwon looked up, adjusting his glasses. “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have gone without saying goodbye to you. Besides, I’m not going yet.

“Never know when I.M is gonna take over for a long time. Speaking of him, he left me a note to say goodbye from him if he doesn’t get the chance, too.” He looked over curiously at what Hyungwon was writing. 

“You both seem to be on better terms with each other, then.”

The younger propped his head up as he leaned on the table. “Yeah. We’ve been talking more, like the doctor said. It’s going a lot better this time. We’ve had a lot of switches over the last few days so that’s kinda helped get the conversation going. As disorientating as it is. It wasn’t even me who woke up this morning. Anyway, guess we just figured out it’s in both our best interests to try to work together rather than against each other.”

“I’m glad.” Hyungwon smiled at the young man. 

“Hey... can we meet up when I.M and I leave? We have a court hearing in four months time so we have until then to be able to convince them we aren’t a danger to society.”

“Of course. It’ll be nice to see you outside of these walls.”

“Great. I was worried you wouldn't want to see us. Thought maybe I was a little annoying by kinda adopting myself to you when I got here.”

“You’re my friend, of course I’ll want to see you. You can meet Jooheon, he was here before I arrived and was Min’s friend. He left just before you got here and I’m going into the same shared accommodation as him for a while. He’s a really nice guy, maybe just a little older than you?”

“Y’know... even with just you and Minhyuk... this is more friends than I’ve ever had since I developed this condition.” He pulled a face. “Actually, I don’t like that word. Condition. I mean since I.M showed up.”

“Same here. This is the most friends I’ve ever had in my life.”

Changkyun laughed a little. “That’s troubling, isn’t it?” He looked up to smile at the older and Hyungwon, ever observant, noticed his smile tended to tug more from the right side of his lips. Conversely, on the occasions I.M smiled, it would tug from the left. Even these tiny pieces of body language were different. 

“It is but I’ll take it.”

“Anyways, I’ll leave you to get on with whatever you’re doing.” Changkyun stood. 

“Preparing for a job interview on Monday.”

“Oh! Good luck, hyung!”

 

__________________

 

Monday came quickly and the pit of Hyungwon’s stomach was full of conflicting feelings. 

Excitement at he prospect of standing a shred of a chance. 

Anxiety about being on the spot with multiple pairs of eyes on him, scrutinising. 

Fear of failure. 

Guilt because Minhyuk had seemed rather down again the day before. 

He paced up and down outside the grand and ornate looking building. They’d gone inside once already but Hyungwon had needed fresh air, his chest had started to feel tight and like his lungs were full of cotton. Nurse Yoo had lead him out to avoid a full-blown panic attack. Once he’d calmed to a degree he stalked up and down frantically. 

“You’ll be fine. I know you don’t believe it just because I say it, but you will be. I know it. I’m never wrong, trust me.” Nurse Yoo tried to reassure him. 

“There’s so much riding on this. I can't take it. What if I freeze up? What if I get so nervous I puke?” 

“Hyungwon.” That firm, no-nonsense voice. “You know what to say. If you stumble or stutter don’t let it throw you off. It’s normal. They’ll expect that from anybody. Everyone gets nervous about job interviews. It’s a strange and unnatural situation for anybody. You’re allowed to make mistakes if they happen. Wanna know what my opening line for my interview for this job was?”

“What?”

“Sorry I’m late, this bag is my grandma’s.” He'd been so nervous the words had jumped out of his mouth as he stepped into the room. He wasn’t even actually late, just not the hour early he wanted to be. 

Hyungwon snorted in a laugh. “Why on earth did you have your grandma’s bag?”

“I needed something to put my certificate files in. She worked in an office so let me borrow her lady’s briefcase thing. It had a flower on the zipper. I then proceeded to spill the water they gave me and I still got the job.”

“Wow. Oh my god.” He was still giggling a little. “Thank you Nurse Yoo.”

“You can call me Kihyun. I’m off the clock.” He motioned to his lack of uniform. Simply dressed in a smart pair of jeans and a neatly ironed shirt under his thick winter coat. Kt that he would have escorted Hyungwon in his uniform. 

“Wait, you aren’t actually working today?”

“No.”

“You came here on your day off?”

“I wanted to support you. Hoseok wouldn’t have been able to come because we couldn’t spare an orderly on our current staffing levels.”

“But you didn’t have to—”

“I know. Now come on, lets go inside. The interview is in half an hour. You got this, eye of the tiger and all that.” Kihyun said with a wide smile on his face. 

Hyungwon inevitably did stumble a couple of times during the interview. But whenever he did, he still managed to collect himself and recover. Even though his heart was hammering away like a hummingbird’s wings, to the point where he actually felt a little dizzy. It lasted just under an hour but felt like a lifetime. Maybe he’d been a little too honest in parts? Citing his anxiety as why he had to leave his previous job. Then again, he’d been honest in his application and they’d have read it. 

He came out of the room in a bit of a daze, almost wandering off in the opposite direction of the waiting nurse. 

“Whoa hey, how did it go?”

“I think I probably blew it.” He pulled his lips between his teeth to try and stop himself from crying. “They said they’ll let know later, there were only two other people being interviewed besides myself.” He swallowed hard. “I really don’t think I got it.”

“Hyungwon, you don’t know yet. Please don’t get upset.”

“I never wanted to step any more out of my comfort zone than I had to until now. I wanted this so much.” Then he couldn't hold the tears back anymore. 

“Hyungwon...” Kihyun pulled him into a hug. “Even if you didn't get it, which you don’t know, it isn’t the end of the world.”

If it wasn't the end of the world then why did it feel like it was? “Why should they take a chance on my lack of experience when I can barely get through an interview?”

“Come on now, Hyungwon. Shall we deal with the tears if they do say they aren’t able to offer you the position?”

Hyungwon took some shaky breaths and stepped away from the hug, composing himself. “Sorry...”

“Don’t apologise. Let’s go, the car wont be long and I wanna buy something in the museum gift shop.”

“What do you want to buy?”

“Something for Dr Son. Something dumb for his desk.”

 

———

 

Meanwhile, Minhyuk was called to the doctor’s office. A place all too familiar by now. 

“I know it must be hard for you to know Hyungwon will be leaving very soon but I have a feeling your separation will only be temporary.”

“He said we will be together when I leave.”

**You shouldn’t have said that. Your relationship isn’t allowed in here.**

“I think he’s someone who keeps his promises.” The doctor nodded. 

**I think you got away with it.**

“I love him and I miss him already.” He sniffled and drew his knees up. 

**Why don’t you listen to me? Why are you like this?**

“I know, Minhyuk. But you have to allow him to leave because he will only get better if he moves forward. Just like Jooheon and it will be the same for you. You need to let go for a short time. Just think that this is just a small blip in the wide future ahead of you. It will be worth it.”

**He knows?**

“I know he needs to go... that’s why I’m trying to not be sad.”

“I feel like a fraud, you know. The two of you have done my job for me. You’ve been great for each other.” The doctor continued with a smile. 

“No. I hated doctors before. Thank you for saving me and Hyungwon. You, Hoseok and Nurse Yoo.”

“We’ll get you out of here as soon as we can, I promise. I hope you understand I can’t just discharge you without the proper things in place and until I’m confident you’ll be ok. It’s a huge adjustment after you’ve been here so long and I have a duty of care.”

“I trust you...”

“I was thinking maybe you’d like to have Changkyun and I.M share the room with you after Hyungwon is gone. What do you think about that? I know it isn’t the same but I think you’d like to have company, right?”

Minhyuk thought about it. It made sense. He liked both of them, despite I.M’s harshness and the fact Changkyun didn’t seem to know how to act around him. “Only if it’s something they want.” Maybe it would stave off the crushing loneliness from finding it’s way back in.

“I’ll speak to them, too. Just please don’t go back to your room after this, go down to the common area rather than shutting yourself away.”

Minhyuk nodded and complied, taking himself along to the common area and sitting next to what was probably Changkyun, reading what appeared to be a book about birds. The young man looked over at him. 

“Hey Minhyuk, Is Hyungwon still at his interview?”

“Yeah. Hopefully he’ll be back soon.” He pouted a little. “I should get used to him not being here.”

“You can talk to me and I.M if you ever need to, though. He was super sorry about making you cry.”

“I was crying _for_ him, not because of him.”

“That’s sweet.”

“Are you my friend, Changkyun?”

“Yeah. Sure I’m your friend. I know you were close with someone before I got here and I doubt I can replace him and certainly not Hyungwon, but I’m your friend. We both are.” The younger smiled. 

“Good. Friends! Will you read about birds to me?” He pointed at the book. 

“Sure. Uh, so where was I....? Oh! Lanius bucephalus. The bull-headed shrike, found across Eastern Asia. Feeding on mainly insects such as beetles and crickets, it also preys upon small lizards and sometimes crustaceans. Like other shrikes, they are known to impale some of their prey on barbs and thorns so that they are easier to rip into bite size pieces.” Changkyun read. 

“Ew! Read about a less scary bird.”

“But it looks so cute.” He turned the page to Minhyuk. 

“Aw so cute but so deadly. I’ve seen them around in the yard a lot, I think. They seem far less adorable now I know they impale things.” Minhyuk pulled a displeased face. 

Changkyun laughed. “That’s nature for you. Gimme a games console and some instant noodles any day.” 

“God I miss junk food!” The older whined. 

“Glad you two are getting along without me.” Hyungwon chuckled in amusement as he crossed the room. 

“You’re back!” Minhyuk sprang up to hug Hyungwon tightly. “Still in your suit, so handsome and sexy!” 

“You seem happier than when I left this morning.” 

“I talked with Dr Son and feel better now. Then Changkyun told me about shrikes.”

“Oh, the ornithology book? Riveting.”

“I’m determined to finish it.” The younger interjected. 

“I better go get changed.” 

“I wanna come.” Minhyuk gripped onto is hand. 

“Ok, let’s go then. Won’t be long, Changkyun.”

As they made their way, Hyungwon dug around in his pocket until he found what he was looking for. “I got you something, by the way.” 

“Oh?”

“It’s just a dumb little thing and I owe Nurse Yoo a few won for it but I thought it was cute.” He stepped into their room and pulled a small keychain with a dinosaur on it out of his pocket as the door closed behind them. It was a stegosaurus and was soft and made of blue felt. 

“So cute! I love it! Thank you so much. Not that I have any keys.”

“Maybe one day when you’re ready and I’m settled, too... maybe you could come stay with me? I’ll give you a key to put on it.” 

Hyungwon was almost knocked off balance at the force of the hug and the smooch that was placed on his lips. 

“For real?”

“I don’t make promises I don’t intend on keeping.” 

Minhyuk beamed and pulled him in for another kiss, the little dinosaur dangling off his index finger as he cupped Hyungwon’s face. 

**You want to undress him out of that suit.**

_“I do. I wanna do it slowly. One button at a time so that I can savour it. But I wont.”_

**Why not? He isn’t made of glass. Not anymore, anyway.**

_“Because it would feel rushed. I don’t want that.”_

Minhyuk licked into Hyungwon’s mouth, not letting his hands drop below the other’s shoulders. Then he felt the younger press his hips forward into him a little.

**Oh hello. He wants you**

“Hyungwon.” He trailed his mouth down his neck as far as the shirt collar would let him, a hand moving to pull off the black necktie. “You wanted to take this off?”

“Take it off for me.” Came the response. 

Minhyuk found himself untucking the white shirt and undoing buttons with trembling hands, heart thumping harder with each bit of skin revealed underneath. _“Why am I nervous?”_

**Because he matters to you and you matter to him.**

He slipped he jacket and shirt off Hyungwon’s shoulders in one slow motion, keychain still around his finger. “You’re so beautiful, Hyungwon.” He murmured, pressing his lips against his collar bone.

Excited anticipation was building under Hyungwon’s skin. He just wanted to press as close as possible to the other, to feel nothing separating them from one another. 

A startling knock came at he door, causing Hyungwon to push himself away from Minhyuk instinctively. Adrenaline erupting through him. 

Minhyuk looked hurt for a moment before he obviously realised that the knock at the door had scared Hyungwon and it wasn’t rejection. 

“One sec, what is it?” Hyungwon asked, voice strained as he pulled is shirt back on to cover up.

“There’s a call for you in the nursing office.” It was Kwan, the young and fairly new orderly. 

“Shit. Ok, thanks. I’ll be right there.” Hyungwon was shaking as he fastened his buttons in a hurry. “Come with me, Min?”

“Is it about the job?”

“Must be. I think I fucked up the interview, you’ll make me feel better when they tell me I didn't get the job.” He bit into his lower lip. That anxious habit again. Not that it had ever really left him.

They went to the office and Minhyuk watched from the door as Hyungwon shakily brought the phone to his ear. His expression was completely unreadable as he listened to what was being sad. Biting his lip hard. 

“Y-Yes. I understand.” 

**He didn't get it. He’ll be crushed.**

_“What do I do?”_

**Go hold him.**

_“He wanted this so much. He worked hard. Why wouldn’t they give it to him.?”_

**Life is unfair. You know that first hand.**

_“He deserved it.”_

**There was probably someone better qualified.**

Minhyuk was too engrossed in the conversation going on inside his head to take in what Hyungwon was saying over the phone. Until, of course, he saw the younger crumple to the floor in tears a soon as the receiver was placed back on the hook. 

“Hyungwon, its ok.” He hurried to his side. “It’s ok. Please don’t cry. Please. I don’t want you to cry, it makes me cry, too.” He ran his fingers through Hyungwon’s long black hair to try and soothe his tears. 

“Th-They— They gave me the job!” He managed through his sobs. 

“What? Then why are you crying?”

“Because I really didn't think I’d get it. I’m crying because I’m so relieved and happy. Oh my god.” He rubbed his face with his sleeve. 

“Congratulations, I’m so proud of you.” Minhyuk peppered kisses over his face. “You scared me!”

“Sorry. Fuck, sorry. I’m so stupid.” Hyungwon laughed. It meant he didn't have to go back to cafe work. He could do something he loved. Something more suited to him. He wouldn’t have to wake up in he morning with a feeling of dread at the prospect of difficult customers. Or any customers, for that matter. And the best thing was that he was using the university degree he’d put himself through hell to achieve. All his hard work finally bearing fruit. It was a rush of emotion which had expressed itself in tears. 

“You’re not stupid, you dummy.”

“You basically called me not stupid but actually stupid in the same breath.” Hyungwon giggled and kissed Minhyuk’s knuckles when he noticed he was still clutching the keychain. 

“What I mean is, you’re awesome and you should know it.”

**He really is awesome. When you leave you can try and get an education. Succeed like him.**

_“I will.”_

 

 

________________________

 

 

Time truly flew like an arrow. Minhyuk spent the remaining days before Hyungwon had to leave clinging to him like a limpet. He was practically Hyungwon’s shadow, wanting to make the most fo their time together before it was interrupted for what would probably be a matter of months. It was both heartbreaking and heartwarming. 

On Hyungwon’s final night, he lay on their bed and watched Minhyuk pace up and down. There was some kind of tension that had built from their increased proximity lately. The kisses had become more frequent and as had the touches and caresses. 

“Are you coming to bed?”

“I’m not tired.”

“You’re almost never tired. Eating candy before bed won’t help. Come to bed so I can hold you.” Hyungwon wanted to imprint the feeling of holding the other man close on his mind.

Minhyuk slowly crawled up the bed along his body. Catlike in his movements. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yeah.” Hyungwon’s voice was barely audible. 

Minhyuk brought their lips together. Almost chaste at first but soon growing more heated when Hyungwon parted hips lips to allow the kiss to deepen, letting Minhyuk’s tongue explore his mouth. His tongue tasted like candy he’d just eaten and his lips were still a little sticky and so Hyungwon licked at them, cleaning away the sugary taste. 

Minhyuk trailed a hand lightly up over Hyungwon’s thigh to his waistband as he let the younger suck at his lower lip. 

“Can I touch?” Minhyuk asked between kisses. 

“Yes.” He was comfortable to the degree that he didn’t even have to think about an answer. 

Minhyuk’s hands moved to the hem of Hyungwon’s nightshirt. “Where is ok?”

“Anywhere you like.”

“Sure?”

“I’ll tell you if I don’t like it.” Hyungwon breathed, a sigh catching on the edge of his lips when Minhyuk nuzzled his face into his neck. 

“Ok...” The older murmured, fingers pushing the thin cotton up his body and dancing along the exposed flesh. “You’re so pretty. So perfect. I wanna see what your skin looks like if you spend a day in the sun with me.” He shifted down the slender body under him and kissed over his stomach and hip bones. Every now and again he flicked his tongue out to taste. 

Minhyuk could have lost himself in the expanse of soft skin but a hand suddenly curled tightly around his own. He looked up at Hyungwon, expecting him to tell him to stop. 

“Min, can... uh... can we...?” He was blushing. 

“Can we what?” He cocked his head questioningly. 

“Can we— can we make love? Please?” Hyungwon had his lower lip pulled between his teeth. 

“Can you be explicit? Don’t be embarrassed about saying the words. Wanna make sure we’re on the same page.”

Hyungwon screwed his eyes shut, expelling the words quickly. “S-Sex. Penetrative sex.” He clarified, face heating up further. “J-Just don’t be rough with me.”

“Of course I’ll be gentle.” Minhyuk frowned. Why would he ever want to be anything other than gentle with the gorgeous man laying under him? “Are you sure you want to do this? Is it ok?”

“Yeah... I trust you. Please... I really want to be close to you in that way. Only if you want to, that is.”

“Of course I want to. I want you so much it hurts, Hyungwon.”

“So make love to me.” He tightened his grip on Minhyuk’s hand and brought his other hand up to caress the other’s face softly, their eyes locked together. 

**Knowing your luck this will be one of the times your dick decides not to work at all.**

“Ok.” Minhyuk swallowed, self conscious over the voice’s words. _“If he fucks me I’ll probably get hard no problem by the time I’m prepped, though. Hopefully.”_ Anxiety scuttled up his spine, not wanting to disappoint Hyungwon. 

“You look unsure...” Hyungwon ran his fingers through his hair. 

“Because I’m embarrassed about my...” He trailed off. “C-Can we do it so you’re inside me? Is that ok? The stimulation is more so I won’t need to worry so much about... that.”

**This settles it. Tomorrow you’re asking for a change of medication. You’re too young to be worrying about your dick. It didn’t matter before because those men didn’t care if or when you got it up.**

Hyungwon didn’t mind what the logistics were. He just wanted to be with him. Either way would make him at least a little nervous for different reasons, anyway. On the one hand to be the one topping it would help him feel less exposed in a compromising position, he supposed. But he’d never been the one to top before and the lack of experience made him anxious. “Don’t you get embarrassed now.” He kissed him tenderly. “But yeah. If that’s what you want then that’s what we’ll do. I just want to make love to you, I don’t care how. I’ve never been on top before, though. I might not be very good at it.” 

Minhyuk visibly relaxed, his thumb stroking over the back of Hyungwon’s hand. “It’ll be amazing because it’ll be you. Someone I love so much.”

Hyungwon kissed him again. “Promise you’ll tell me if I accidentally hurt you or something.”

“I will but you won’t hurt me.” Minhyuk’s sat himself up, straddling slim thighs. He undressed himself first, not shy about his body even though it had become a little less firm due to his recent inactivity. He had to be comfortable in his own skin if he couldn’t be comfortable in his own head all the time, right? He stayed up on his knees once completely naked as he watched big eyes take over his bare body. 

“I’ve never felt like I do when looking at you, Min.” Want was fizzling away through his nerve endings. The desire to touch and be touched. Not wanting to shy away and wait for it to just be over. “Can I..?” He reached out with his fingertips into the short distance between them, waiting for permission. It always felt heavily intimate whenever they were together but tonight it felt even more so. 

“Yes.”

Hyungwon let his palms land on Minhyuk’s thighs and slide up over his hips and waist before travelling back down. “I must have done something right to deserve you.”

“Can I see you too now, Hyungwon?” His unsteady fingers hovered over the buttons of Hyungwon’s nightshirt. 

“Yeah.” 

One button at a time, Minhyuk parted the white material. A pretty contrast to the natural pigmentation of his skin. He let his fingertips graze small dark nipples while he pulled the fabric away, causing the younger’s breath to get stuck in his throat. “Sometimes I wonder if you’re real and my head is playing a cruel joke.”

“I’m very real.” 

Minhyuk helped him out of his pyjamas, tentative in his touches as though Hyungwon might disappear like a soap bubble if he wasn’t careful. They didn’t hurry. They just fell into trails of passionate kisses and hands exploring bodies. Soft moans escaping into the small room. Hyungwon every now and again rolling his hips into Minhyuk for friction against his erection. Even Minhyuk could feel himself starting to stiffen. 

Minhyuk eventually reached over and took the tube of lube from under the pillow of the unused bed. “Want me to do it?”

The taller shook his head slowly. “Can I? Please?”

Minhyuk nodded and handed it over as he lay on his back, stuffing the pillow under his lower back for better access. He didn’t want to be on his hands and knees because then he wouldn’t be able to see Hyungwon. Besides, he didn’t like the idea of that position. Too many bad memories of feeling worthless. “I’m all yours, handsome~” He winked with a grin, an excited sparkle in his eyes. 

Hyungwon giggled as he took the tube and squirted some out into his hand to warm it before going anywhere near the other’s body with it. He kissed over his chest and laced together the fingers of his free hand with one of Minhyuk’s as he brought a lubricated finger to tease over his puckered entrance. “Can I?” He breathed against a rapidly rising and falling chest. 

“Please. I want you inside me, Hyungwon.”

The younger careful slid his index finger in a little, earning a gasp a tightened grip on his hand and fingers pressed a little harder into the back of his shoulder. “Is it ok?”

“Mmmh keep going.” Minhyuk tipped his head back into the pillow as he felt the finger breach him further. He sometimes had allowed himself to fantasise about Hyungwon’s big hands and long fingers ever since he first felt them on his body. He rolled his hips into the feeling. 

The stretch from the second finger being added after a few minutes stole his breath away even more. It had been a long time since he’d been fingered, after all. He was thankful for Hyungwon being so careful and the way that he kept asking if it as ok. It was more than ok when the probing fingers found his prostate, causing his body to jolt sharply. He’d actually been very relaxed, drifting away in the feeling of being stretched and the hot lips and tongue moving over his skin. So the sudden influx of electric pleasure had caught him by surprise. “Aah!”

“Good or bad?” Hyungwon’s eyes widened comically. 

“Good! Very good.” 

Hyungwon nuzzled his face under his jawbone. “Are you ready for another?”

“Yes. Be slow at first.” As if he had to ask. 

“Of course.” Hyungwon added more lube. It was probably too much as Minhyuk’s thighs were already wet and slippery with it. Better safe than sorry, right?

The third finger made Minhyuk’s body tighten up at first but he soon relaxed, feeling safe with Hyungwon and trusting him wholeheartedly not to hurt him. After a while it became too much waiting and Minhyuk just batted at Hyungwon’s arm to get him to withdraw his fingers. 

Then the older gently pushed Hyungwon backwards and down by his shoulders until he was back on top, knees either side of the slender man’s hips and grinding back a little to feel the other’s erection slide between his lube soaked ass cheeks. 

“Oh my god, Min.” Hyungwon hissed at the sudden stimulation. Minhyuk smirked, especially when he realised that he, himself, was fully hard too. Thank god. Not that he’d been worrying about it while he was being fingered open. It had felt too good to worry about anything at all. 

“C-Can I? Can I have your cock inside me now? Please?” He still asked permission. Still checking it was ok like Hyungwon had while he was prepping him. His body felt like there was a fire lit inside him. 

“God yes. Please, Minhyuk.” His hands came to settle on the other’s hips to steady him as he slowly lowered himself down, thighs trembling a little. Hyungwon gasped at the same time Minhyuk took a sharp intake of breath. 

Once fully seated, Minhyuk shifted his hips experimentally, looking for a good angle. “You feel so good in me, Hyungwon. It feels so good being filled by you. I feel so complete.” He sounded needy, the desperation tangible in his strained words. 

His eyes slipped closed when he started to lift himself and slide back down, finding a good rhythm. A steady pace that let him tease himself a little. He forced his eyes back open, not wanting to miss a single moment of seeing Hyungwon. 

Of course, Hyungwon’s mind chose now to intervene, some of his anxieties dripping in and catching up with him, he suddenly felt very very aware and very very naked in this position. It was too open. Hyungwon tried to focus only on how gorgeous Minhyuk looked above him. His face flushed and his lower lip caught between his teeth in pleasure. But there was a creeping feeling inside Hyungwon’s head, hyper aware of how he must look in return. His mind’s eye showing him how his ugly cigarette scar stood out and how his hip bones must be uncomfortable for Minhyuk to have under him. His lips were probably too swollen from all the kissing, too. On top of that, the distance between them felt too great, almost impersonal. It made him feel suddenly very much ungrounded. 

“Y-Your face changed.” Minhyuk paused in his movements, brow furrowing with worry. 

“I just feel a little exposed.” Why did he have to be like this? Hyungwon wanted to slap himself. He just had to ruin everything. 

“Sit up.” Minhyuk pulled at Hyungwon’s shoulders and the younger obeyed, sitting up and encircling his arms around him for stability. “You look so stunningly beautiful, by the way. So gorgeous.” 

In this position, upright with their arms bound around each other and bodies pressed flush together, it felt so much better. Hyungwon didn’t feel awkwardly exposed and he could feel Minhyuk’s lips on his neck. It was so much more intimate. More intimate than anything either of them had ever felt before. 

“Oh god, Min... this feels so good.” Now Hyungwon felt safe and comfortable again. The anxious thoughts no longer permitting through. Now he could enjoy the feeling of being so close. To feel loved and wanted.

The way Minhyuk moved his body, coupled with the way Hyungwon rolled his hips, as best he could in their position, brought a whole new intensity and it made the older whine desperately. 

“Is it ok?” Hyungwon checked. 

“Fuck yes.”

It was so intense that Minhyuk felt on the edge of tears. Good tears. The way Hyungwon felt moving inside him in the rhythm they’d both found, bodies rolling in long, slow waves. Nothing rushed or urgent as each shift sent pleasured sparks up along his spine and through his abdomen. Each movement also caused friction against his now thoroughly hard erection pressed between them.

There was nothing else in the world. Just the scent of coconut from Hyungwon’s hair and salt from clean sweat forming on his skin. The taste of it on his tongue as he mouthed over the bounding pulse in his neck. The smooth, heated skin of the younger’s back, slightly damp under his right palm and the soft strands of hair slipping through the fingers of his left. Hyungwon’s big hands sliding up and down is back and sometimes to his thighs, butt and hips. Fingertips sometimes kneeling tenderly at his muscles. He could even feel the vibrations of Hyungwon’s deep moans under his lips as they rumbled out of his throat into the air to mix with his own breathless whines and airy gasps. Tightness building up deep in the pit of his stomach. 

“I’m so close, Min. So close.” He gasped. 

“Come in me, Hyungwon. Please. I want you to come inside me.” He practically begged. 

“Y-You sure?”

“Please. Please, I want it. I want it so bad, Hyungwon.” It was something that made him feel so disgusting before but right in that moment there was nothing he wanted more. 

Hyungwon’s fingertips pressed a little harder into his lower back, but not hard enough to hurt in any way. His head tipped back to expose his gorgeous throat, every bump and notch of the structures visible as he came, hips stuttering and Minhyuk’s name spilling out of his lips. 

Minhyuk moaned loudly when he felt the other’s come filling him up, adding to the smouldering heat building inside him. It tipped him over the edge, coming between their sweat slick bodies. 

Bonelessly, they collapsed to the mattress together with Minhyuk laying on top of Hyungwon. He pulled a face when Hyungwon slipped out of him, causing semen to trickle down his already slick thighs. It took all his motivation to roll slightly to the side so as not to press the air out of Hyungwon’s lungs, their legs remaining tangled and arms caught in their embrace. 

It took a while to come down but eventually Hyungwon managed to speak. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more than anything.” Minhyuk murmured in response. 

“I don’t wanna move ever again. My body feels like goo.”

“We can just be gross and sleep here. Otherwise we’ll make the other bed gross, too.”

“Sorry I theres nothing to clean you up with.” He kissed the older’s shoulder because it was the closest patch of skin. 

“I don’t care. I also don’t wanna move. Now go to sleep. You have a big day tomorrow, my love.” Minhyuk’s voice grew quieter with those words. He didn’t want to think about not having the other to wrap himself around at night. 

Hyungwon’s heavy eyes slipped closed. A staining of sadness in his heart because this was their last night for what could be a long time. That reality remained unspoken between them. 

Minhyuk watched his peacefully sleeping features for almost the whole night until slumber took him, too. 

 

__________________

 

This was the room where he’d had his rushed goodbye to Jooheon. Minhyuk fucking hated goodbyes. He clung to Hyungwon tightly, arms encircling him and hands gripping the back of his shirt. The felt dinosaur keychain dangling from one of his fingers. 

“You’ll definitely come see me?”

“Of course, silly. How could I not?”

“You might leave and meet someone you like better than me.” A genuine fear of Minhyuk’s. 

“That won’t happen. I can’t meet someone I like more than you because it isn’t possible.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”it hurt when Hyungwon had to pull away from the warm arms around him. “I’ll come visit and then you leave here I’ll be waiting outside to meet you. Ok?” 

When Hyungwon moved to leave, Minhyuk’s fingers still clung to his shirt sleeve. “I don’t wanna be without you.”

**Let him go. Stop being so selfish.**

_“Why can’t I be selfish?”_

**Because in this case it will make things worse for both of you.**

“I don’t wanna be without you, either. But it won’t be for long, ok?”

**Don’t make this any harder than it already is. He will keep his promise. He needs to leave. Don’t make him feel worse.**

Minhyuk forced himself away, wrapping his arms around himself to try and keep the sense of the other’s body heat close to him. “You need to go. Please, before they have to sedate me to stop me clinging on.”

“Please don’t cry. Visiting is in three weeks. I’ll be here.” Hyungwon reached out but Minhyuk recoiled away. 

“If you touch me again I will hold onto you and not be able to let go.” He closed his eyes tightly, trying to just imagine the feeling of arms still around him and gripping onto the keychain Hyungwon had given him for dear life. 

“I’ll see you soon...” It was the hardest thing in the world to not just scoop Minhyuk up and carry him off into the sunset. But that couldn’t happen. Not yet. It just wasn’t realistic. “I love you, Min.” His voice cracked and a few tears escaped down his cheeks. 

“I love you too. So so much.” He took some steps back to stop himself from running forward and kept his eyes shut, it almost physically hurt to hear Hyungwon’s light footsteps starting to walk away. The sound of the door creaking open stung and then there was a pause. He kept his eyes closed, too scared to look until he heard the door close heavily. He felt cold. Alone. Empty. Like his heart had dropped right out of his chest. 

But this was for the best, right? It was only temporary. There were better things ahead. 

“Come on, Minhyuk. I know it’s hard but it’ll be worth it in the end.” Hoseok’s voice and a warm hand on his shoulder. “You just need to work hard now and soon you’ll be walking out that door, too.” 

_“And he’ll be waiting on the other side.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to all of you who have stuck with me on this until the end! But don’t fret about the cliffhanger because closure will come with the epilogue on the 22nd of September (two weeks from now). 
> 
> And then look out for my next big multi chapter: The Curious Case of the Man in the Trunk. Further details will follow! So stay tuned! 
> 
>  
> 
> ________________
> 
>  
> 
> Next time: Epilogue. 
> 
>  
> 
> _“Hey I found you.” Hyungwon sat on the grass by the graveside, setting a sunflower against the headstone. “I’m sorry I never came before. I didn’t know where you were and I was scared to ask and I was scared that coming here would make me think of when you died. I hope you can forgive me.” He sighed deeply. “So much has happened. I don’t know where to begin. Have you been watching? I tried so hard to live but things got pretty bad... but you know what? That doesn’t really matter. I’m ok now. That’s what matters. I’m still scared of cicadas and get nightmares sometimes but I’ll live with that.” He looked up at the sky, mostly blue with just a few clouds floating by. Stratocumulus? No, altocumulus. A smile broke out onto Hyungwon’s face. “I fell in love with someone I think you’d approve of.”_


	15. EPILOGUE: Ornithology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations! You’ve made it to the epilogue! Thank you so much for coming this far! This jumps ahead through time showing shortish scenes as we go to see what our boys get up to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: details of visual hallucinations some may find disturbing. 
> 
> Also contains facts about birds so move over cloud facts!

**The fastest moving bird is a Peregrine Falcon, diving at 200mph.**

 

It had been a hard road. But sure enough, four months later, Minhyuk was discharged from the psychiatric facility. During that time, Hyungwon had visited at every opportunity, as had Jooheon. Hyungwon had only spent three of those months in the assisted shared accommodation with Jooheon before he moved out into his own apartment. Usually he enjoyed space and time to himself but it felt a little lonely. He attended his weekly counselling sessions religiously, determined not to slip backwards.

The first thing Minhyuk saw as he stepped out of the main doors was Hyungwon sanding there, waiting.

**He’s here. He’s here for you. Just like he promised. What are you waiting for? Go to him.**

_“Just gimme a sec to burn this image onto my brain.”_ He stared at Hyungwon for a few more seconds, dressed smartly, wearing new glasses and a smile plastered over his face. And then, after just another second he ran to the young man waiting for him.

He jumped at Hyungwon, wrapping his arms around him and knocking them both over onto the ground. “You’re here! Like you promised!”

“Of course I am!” Hyungwon laughed, wheezing a little after getting the air knocked out of him. “Careful, you’re hurting me. You’re like a big excited puppy.”

Minhyuk’s peppered smooches all over Hyungwon’s face. “Because I’m so happy!”

“Alright alright but there’s a rock sticking into my back, can I get up now?” Hyungwon couldn’t keep the grin off his face. 

“Fiiiine!” Minhyuk hauled himself up and dragged Hyungwon up by the arm along with him. 

**Don’t forget to thank Nurse Yoo.**

“Oh! Wait a sec!” Minhyuk tore himself away and ran back up the steps, pulling both Hyunwoo and Kihyun into a hug as they stood at the doors. “Thank you so much! Both of you... you’ve given me a life I didn’t think I’d ever be able to have.”

“It’s just our job, now go before you make me get tearful.” Kihyun said, despite not pulling away from the hug. 

“We will still be in contact, remember. You aren’t going to be alone after leaving.” The doctor assured him. 

“Now go, your man is waiting for you.” The nurse chuckled. 

There was a tap on the window above, Changkyun and Hoseok were waving from the second floor. Minhyuk grinned widely and waved back as he returned to Hyungwon, grabbing ahold of his hand. 

Minhyuk stayed at the same accommodation as Jooheon for two months, being joined by I.M and Changkyun about half way through. After that, Hyungwon gave him a key to his apartment, placing it on the dinosaur keyring he’d bought him from the museum.

 

 

____________________

 

 

**The Wandering Albatross has a wingspan up to 11ft 11in.**

 

Living together was almost a breeze after spending months in a tiny room together. 

Sometimes Hyungwon would want peace and quiet to read and Minhyuk would respect that, electing to play video games or he would walk the neighbourhood dogs, something they eagerly paid him for. 

One particular evening Hyungwon came in to see Minhyuk texting on the couch, that wasn’t unusual except he was dressed up like he was going out. 

“How was work?” Minhyuk sat up on the couch with a big sunny smile. He was wearing a hint of smokey makeup to accentuate his eyes, defiantly going out attire. 

“It was good. Jun was showing me his restoration work.”

“Cool!”

**He looks happy all the time these days. He loves his job. He loves you also.**

_“And I love him. I especially love when he looks so happy.”_

“How was your day?” Hyungwon shrugged off his jacket. 

“I think I did great in class and then this afternoon Mrs Park wanted me to walk her dog urgently because she was delayed getting home.” He’d been attending classes at the local adult education centre to finally complete his high school education. 

“Good. I’m so proud of you for sticking with it.”

“Watch out I’ll be smarter than you soon. Then I’ll be unstoppable.”

“You probably are smarter than me. I’m just a bookworm. You can probably outsmart me because I’m not very good at lateral thinking.” Hyungwon admitted. “Hey, how come you’re all dressed up?”

**Because all your thoughts are outside the box. Sometimes you can reach conclusions others miss.**

“Did you forget we’re meeting Jooheon and I.M or Changkyun for dinner?”

**He forgot for sure.**

“Oh! Crap that’s right, and soon! I totally forgot. So that’s why you’re wearing makeup. Here I thought you were just gonna put the moves on me.”

“Well, I can put the moves on you later when we get back, if you like.” He winked and bit his lower lip seductively. 

“I’d say you can put the moves on me now but we’re supposed to be meeting in an hour, right?”

“Yup. You’ll just have to wait. I wanna see if I can get you to make that weird squeaky moan noise again.” The older giggled. 

“No!” Hyungwon blushed furiously and took off in a hurry to get ready. 

By the time they reached the restaurant, a favourite of theirs, Jooheon and I.M were sat at the table already. Hyungwon could tell it was I.M because he dressed a lot differently to Changkyun. Though they’d both wear a lot of black, the splashes of colour I.M wore were usually reds and oranges as opposed to Changkyun’s blues and greens. Also, I.M tended to wear skinny jeans and leather jackets while Changkyun favoured sweats and oversized hoodies. 

“Hurry up, Jooheon’s gonna start chewing on the table if we don’t order soon!” I.M called. They’d moved out of the supported accommodation and into an apartment together. What Hyungwon wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall in there. The three of them were probably entertaining as roommates. 

“I’m wasting away here.” Jooheon pouted. 

“Hardly. You look like a rice cake.” I.M joked and poked Jooheon’s thigh. 

“Rude! Bring back Changkyun, he’d never disrespect his hyung like this! How dare you basically call me fat!”

“Aw Honey you’re so cute when you’re mad!” Minhyuk reached over and squished his cheeks. “But don’t listen to him. You’re just perfect.” The older cooed. 

I.M smirked and held up his phone, switching over to the front camera and videoing himself. “Hey Changkyun, make sure you disrespect Jooheon by poking his thighs and calling him a rice cake.”

“Has Changkyun forgiven you for getting that tattoo yet?” Hyungwon asked to move the topic of conversation along. Jokes about appearances still made him a little uncomfortable.

“Yeah he’s over it. I had to promise to discuss it with him next time. Same with the piercings. I figured he wouldn’t mind since it’s on our back.”

“Can we order food now?” Jooheon whined. 

“Yesss! Honey you should get the tteokbokki since you’re a cute little rice cake.” Minhyuk giggled, moving round the table and clinging onto Jooheon. 

“Miiiiin don’t you call me that, too.” Jooheon pouted again.

“You ok with this? Your boyfriend is practically sitting in another man’s lap.” I.M gestured wildly. 

**It’s ok because you don’t want to fuck Jooheon.**

“I’m not the jealous type. Minhyuk’s just a tactile kind of person and they’re best friends. If you ask me, it’s you who sounds jealous.” Hyungwon teased a little. 

“Am not!”

“Know what I'm jealous of? All the people in here who are eating food.” Jooheon waved the menu around. “Decide what you’re having!”

“I agree. I already know what I’m gonna order.” Hyungwon flagged down the waitress. 

“Will you share a kimchi buchimgae with me, Jooheon?” Minhyuk asked as he returned to his seat next to Hyungwon. 

“Yeah but ask if they’ll not cut it into triangles. You know I can’t eat triangular food.” Jooheon shuddered with disgust at the idea. He could deal with other shapes that weren’t perfect circles or squares, heck you could give him a hexagon any day of the week. But not a damn triangle. 

“Which is why we got blacklisted from the pizza place cos we keep asking them to cut it into squares.” I.M rolled his eyes. 

Quiet only fell on the group when the food finally arrived after they eventually ordered. 

“You wanna try this? It’s really good.” Minhyuk held a piece of buchimgae up to Hyungwon.

“Oh yes please.” 

“Open up.” Minhyuk instructed and fed Hyungwon a piece, carefully placing it in the other’s mouth with his chopsticks.

“You two make me wanna puke. Why you gotta be so cute? Stop it.” I.M grumbled into his chicken. 

Minhyuk poked his tongue out at him childishly. “I take it your love life is as desolate as Honey’s.” 

“Hey!” Jooheon looked up, offended at the jab from his best fried. 

“Yes. Dating is hard when there’s another personality in your body. We decided that it would have to be someone we both like, otherwise things get complicated. Also he’s banned me from one night stands because he’s scared we’ll catch a disease or have a baby mama knocking on our door.” He rolled his eyes. “Even though I promised to wear a condom.” He took a bite of his chicken. “The person also has to be cool with dealing with both of us. So yeah basically we’re gonna die alone and Changkyun will be an untouched blushing virgin forever and I got my nipples pierced for nothing.” Though he supposed in the most basic sense, Changkyun had lost his virginity when I.M first slept with someone. It was his body after all. But he knew his other side had never so much as kissed somebody and despite what his body may have done he still considered himself a virgin. It was something which I.M felt guilty for, he’d taken a lot of firsts from Changkyun without consideration. 

Jooheon almost choked to death on his rice. 

“I’m sure there’s someone out there for you both.” Hyungwon pitched in. 

“Yeah, well we actually happen to both like someone but Changkyun is too scared to do anything about it.”

“So why don’t you do it? You’re more confident, right?” Minhyuk cocked his head. 

“I want him to do it. I want him to have one of our firsts. I want him to be the one who feels butterflies in his stomach before I do. But he’s terrified this person will reject us.”

“I think if whoever it is does reject you guys they’ll be making a huge mistake.” Jooheon said quietly, blushing and not looking up from his dish. 

“I dunno. I kinda think they’d be smart to reject us. But fortunately for us I think sometimes he ain’t that smart. He tends to kinda not really see things that are right in front of his face.”

It was then Hyungwon realised exactly what was going on. He simply passed a glance of acknowledgement to I.M. 

 

 

_____________________

 

 

**The Tundra Swan has the most feathers of any bird, 25,216**

 

It was the late summer by the time Hyungwon gathered the courage to visit his mother’s grave. The cemetery was large and it had taken a while to find her headstone. 

“Hey I found you.” Hyungwon sat on the grass by the graveside, setting a sunflower against the headstone. “I’m sorry I never came before. I didn’t know where you were and I was scared to ask and I was scared that coming here would make me think of when you died. I hope you can forgive me.” He sighed deeply. “So much has happened. I don’t know where to begin. Have you been watching? I tried so hard to live but things got pretty bad... but you know what? That doesn’t really matter. I’m ok now. That’s what matters. I’m still scared of cicadas and get nightmares sometimes but I’ll live with that.” He looked up at the sky, mostly blue with just a few clouds floating by. Stratocumulus? No, altocumulus. A smile broke out onto Hyungwon’s face. “I met someone I think you’d approve of.”

“Hey! You found her?” He heard a familiar voice call. Right on cue. 

“We had to split up to find you. This place is so big.” He turned and waved Minhyuk over. 

“I got loads of daisies!” He went to sit next to Hyungwon but caught himself, remembering his manners. “Oh. Sorry.” He bowed deeply towards the headstone. “It’s good to meet you Mrs Chae. My name’s Lee Minhyuk and I love your son to the moon and back.”

“Yah sit down.” Hyungwon laughed and yanked him down. “See? He’s weird but I love him.” 

“I’m looking after your son. You don’t need to worry about him.” 

“Yes, I’m in safe hands.” He chuckled and watched as Minhyuk laid out the daisies he’d collected. 

“If I make the holes in the stems you can connect them together, ok? Teamwork.”

“Right.” 

They sat in the sun making daisy chains, Hyungwon only getting a little jumpy when a bee would buzz past. Each time it happened, Minhyuk would lean over and place a sweet little kiss to his cheek.

“Hyungwon told me about when he’d makes these in the garden when he was a kid and I thought this might be nice, Mrs Chae.”

**He’ll look pretty.**

Soon, they had enough to wear in their hair and to have another draped around the gravestone. “There you go, just like old times, hm? There were happy times, it wasn’t all darkness, you made that happen.” Hyungwon ran his fingertips over the name carved into the stone. “I just wish my last memory of you was one of the happy ones. I also wish I had a chance to say goodbye and how much I love you.” Hyungwon could feel the tears trying to force their way out again as he swallowed a lump in his throat. Warm arms circled around him and he felt Minhyuk lean his chin onto his shoulder. 

“So tell her now. It’s never too late.”

Hyungwon swallowed again. “Goodbye... I love you so much. Thank you for giving me a chance to live. Thank you so much. I hope I can make you proud.”

“I think she would be very very proud of you.”

 

 

_________________

 

 

**The smallest species of bird is the Bee Hummingbird at 2.24in.**

 

Life wasn’t a smooth ride, of course. But they made it work. Minhyuk was there to sloth the panic when it sometimes came. To kiss away the tears when a nightmare would come back and have him waking up crying and drenched in sweat. 

And he was there to hold his hand during his father’s parole hearing.

“Your honour, my client has served the majority of his sentence. He has had a lot of time to think about his actions and get help for his alcoholism. He has found God and is endlessly remorseful for his actions.”

Hyungwon stayed slumped in the witness gallery, unable to look his father in the eye. The entire time he clung desperately to Minhyuk’s hand. He didn’t want to be there. In the same room as this man. But he had to. It was just something he had to do. 

He was called up and sat in the witness stand, hands shaking. 

“Would you remind the court briefly what happened the night your mother died?” The lawyer asked. 

“I... he was beating me. She tried to stop him and he pushed her down the stairs. Then he pushed me, too.”

“He was known to act violently before this?”

“He would threaten her, beat her and force himself on her frequently. Except when he got so drunk he’d pass out. Sometimes he’d beat me, too.” 

“I understand you suffered severe psychological trauma. The court had been provided with a report by Dr Son Hyunwoo, derailing this.”

“Yes. I’m receiving ongoing treatment for PTSD.” He kept his eyes on Minhyuk, his chest felt uncomfortable. 

“Your father states he is very remorseful for his actions and claims to be a changed man. What is your impression?”

“I don’t believe he is sorry. I believe if he was truly remorseful he would have contacted myself or my grandparents to apologise for taking away my mother and their daughter. He took an innocent life after years of violence and abuse. I also believe that if he were truly remorseful then he would be accepting of his punishment.” Hyungwon swallowed hard.

At the end of the hearing, the judge decided his father would remain in prison for the rest of his sentence. It felt like a massive weight had been lifted from Hyungwon’s shoulders. 

When they were leaving, Hyungwon felt a hand on his back. He turned to see his grandparents, it had been his grandmother’s hand. “Thank you for being brave enough to face that man again in court. There would be no justice in him walking free today.”

“I... it was the least I could do.” He hadn’t spoken with his grandparents since he left the hospital other than to enquire about his mother’s gravesite. 

“Hyungwon, we— I— seeing you up there today—” His grandmother’s words choked off into tears. 

“Let me.” His grandfather patted his wife’s shoulder. “Would you come sit with me, Hyungwon? I have much to say and my legs aren’t what they used to be.” The old man motioned to the long benches along the outside of the courthouse. 

“Y-Yeah. Uh, Min? Will you be ok a moment?”

“Of course.” He turned his attention to Hyungwon’s tearful grandmother. “Here ma’am I have tissues.” He pulled a pack of hello kitty tissues out of his jacket pocket as Hyungwon walked to sit with his grandfather. 

“My boy, your father my feel no real remorse, but your grandmother and I do. It’s weighed heavily on me for many years but I’ve been unable to get past my pain.” The elderly man looked Hyungwon in the eye for the first time since he was a child. “I’m sorry we weren’t there like we should have been. I was so full of hurt and anger but I shouldn’t have allowed you to suffer because of it. We shouldn’t have made you feel as though you were to blame. You were a child. It was never your fault. The agony of my only child being killed in such a way, the reality she had suffered so badly for years. I’ve never been a violent man and never wanted to lay my hands on another... but I’d wished I’d gotten to him before the police did.”

“It’s ok, I... you didn’t ask to have some damaged kid landed on you.”

“You’re our grandson. It doesn’t matter. We should have taken you with open arms. It’s guilt I’ll take to my grave. Your mother would have been disgusted with us. I’m sorry, Hyungwon. We should have been there for you, rather than ignoring your tears, your fear and the times you’d wake up screaming at night. We acted wrongly by treating you as a burden.”

“But I was a burden...”

“You’re not a burden. You are a precious gift. When you were born your grandmother and I cried because you were so perfect and your mother loved you so much. The summers you spent with us were some of the dearest memories I have. Seeing you so excited to go digging up the bottom of the garden while your grandmother insisted on covering you in sun block.” 

“They were some of the few happy memories I have. I also remember when you tried reading me bedtime stories but I wanted to read them instead.” 

“And your grandmother found me asleep in the chair in your room while you were still reading.” He gave a hearty laugh at the memory and then let out a long sigh. “I don’t expect you to accept this apology but I hope we can become a part of your life again. If you want, of course.” His grandfather had tears in his eyes. 

“Of course I want you in my life.” He hugged the older man, tears running down his own cheeks. “And I forgive you. I understand. You were both hurt and grieving.”

 

 

______________

 

 

**Vultures have the slowest wingbeat at 1 per second.**

 

In return, Hyungwon was an anchor into reality when Minhyuk’s moods became terribly unstable suddenly. The worst symptoms of Minhyuk’s condition became horribly evident to Hyungwon one night a little over a year and an half after they began living together. Hyungwon had already made an outpatient appointment for Minhyuk to see Dr Son when his moods became erratic. 

But then, of all the terrifying nights Hyungwon had experience, this one was worst of all. But not because of his own nightmares, it was the waking nightmare Minhyuk was experienced. 

Minhyuk shook Hyungwon awake urgently. 

“Nnhhh?” Hyungwon opened his eyes sleepily. 

“There!” Minhyuk pointed frantically at the empty space at the foot of the bed. “He’s been watching!” He’d been staring at it for over an hour, too scared to move and wake his sleeping boyfriend. 

**What if it gets closer? It hasn’t moved yet but what if it does?**

“Min, there’s nothing there...” It was taking a while for Hyungwon’s brain to work out what was happening. 

“He’s right there! Don’t you see?!” There was such unbridled terror in his wide eyes. 

**They’re here.**

Hyungwon may not have seen anything but to Minhyuk there was a gaunt old man with empty eye sockets. Thick black liquid containing what appeared to be broken rotting teeth dripping endlessly from the empty holes. The grim vision was moving it’s mouth as if speaking furiously, screaming something at him, but no sound came out. The inky black holes that were it’s eyes were piecing into him with an intense stare. 

Hyungwon tried to keep calm when he put the pieces together. “Min, I promise there is nothing in this room that will hurt you. You trust me, right?” Hyungwon’s voice was shaking. He was terrified. As well as his is ongoing counselling sessions he also attended sessions with Minhyuk on how best to deal with situations like this if they ever happened. But there was nothing that could have prepared him for the reality. How do you protect someone for something that isn’t there?

“Help me. Please help me.” He begged. “I’m so afraid.” Minhyuk was sweating bullets and trembling. 

“I’ll never let anything hurt you. Ever. Do you hear me?” He took Minhyuk’s hands. “You feel me? I’m here. Whatever you see over there isn’t. I’ll get you help, I promise. You’re safe.”

It had been a mercifully transient episode, lasting only a few days, but it knocked Minhyuk’s confidence severely. Even after his moods recovered, it still set him back.

But ever the fighter, Minhyuk clawed his way back in time to be able to sit his exams a few months later. He’d missed a lot of classes and so Hyungwon had helped him study and catch up on what he’d missed. 

 

__________________

 

 

**Barn Owls have the best hearing out of any bird.**

 

“Why were you so late home today?”

“Had to pick something up on my way.”

“Don’t forget I’m doing laundry tonight rather than tomorrow.” Kihyun stirred the onions in the pan.

“Yep.” Hyunwoo acknowledged.

“And don’t forget to pick up onions when you go to the store. We also need more rice. I’ll write it on the list.”

“Mmhm.” 

“Your parent’s train gets in at 2:15pm but make sure you’re there by 2. Do you think I should come with you to pick them up? It’s just I really want to clean some more before they get here.”

“I don’t think it could physically get any cleaner, Ki.” 

“Oh it can. Trust me. You dad really likes seolleongtang, right? I’ve cooked that before but I should have practiced.”

“Ki?”

“Do you think they will have eaten or should I have something ready for when they arrive?”

“Ki.”

“Like nothing heavy. Just a light snack maybe? God, maybe I should come with you to pick them up, though.”

“Kihyun!”

“What?”

“Sshh.”

“Don’t shush me. I—” He was cut off by a kiss. 

“Kihyun, please don’t get stressed about this. You’ve met my parents before and they love you. My mother always asks how you are before she asks about me when she calls.”

“Last time we went to visit them. This is the first time they’ll be coming here to our apartment.”

“And they’ll still love you. Even if they didn’t it wouldn’t matter because I love you.” Hyunwoo cupped his cheeks, looking at him with adoration. 

“I just wanna make a good impression...”

He kissed him again. “Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. I promise.”

Kihyun sighed. “Fine. Oh, by the way I booked you a haircut so you look nice and smart for Minhyuk’s graduation next week. He’s worked really hard for his and I want you looking your best. Ok?”

“My hair isn’t that messy.”

“You got this cowlick at the back that won’t go away and it’s annoying me. I don’t want it on the pictur— yah!” He was abruptly cut off by the older picking up up bridal style.

“Did I ever tell you how much I love you, Ki?” Hyunwoo chuckled as the smaller man squirmed to try and free himself. 

“Not with the stove on!”

“I’ll fix that.” Hyunwoo switched off the flame and sat Kihyun up on the counter on the opposite side of the kitchen. “Now, do I have your focus?” His smile was gentle but his hands were splayed on Kihyun’s thighs. 

“Yes.” The younger blushed. 

“Relax a little, I see you’re getting really stressed. Everything will work out. Don’t worry. Maybe I can take your mind off things?”

“I’m in the middle of making dinner and you turned the damn stove off.”

“Maybe you’re the only thing I’m hungry for.”

“That was so damn cheesy, you big dumb goof.” Kihyun tried his best to hide a little smile as he yanked Hyunwoo in closer by his goddamn cowlick and kissed him. The kiss stayed slow and smouldering, tongues sliding over each other in languid motions.

“Hey Ki?” Hyunwoo pulled away just a little. “Can I say something else cheesy?”

“I’m sure you will anyway.” The nurse collected himself a little. 

“I just love you with all my heart. I love your smile and your quirks. I even love your cute little down. When I wake up next to you I have to pinch myself so I know it isn’t a dream.” The older bit his lower lip a little, seeming worried and unsure for a moment. 

Kihyun was blushing even more now. “I love you too. So much. Sometimes it hurts but in a good way. Is everything ok? You look worried. You’re never worried. Am I being too annoying tonight? I’m sorry I know I get arsey when I’m stressed. Are you breaking up with me?”

“What? No! Why would you ever think that?”

“I... I don’t know. I just don’t know why you said it like that.”

“I said it because... lately you’ve been making me think about how I can’t live without you.” Hyunwoo ran his fingers softly through Kihyun’s hair. 

“Oh?”

“Yeah...” With That, Hyunwoo sank to his knees between Kihyun’s legs. 

“W-What are you doing?”

“Sorry if this is unorthodox.” He took his wallet from his back pocket and opened the coin holder, fishing out a simple platinum ring with small diamonds set right into the band. “I knew you wouldn’t want anything flashy...”

“What is that?” Kihyun’s voice was only a whisper. 

“Yoo Kihyun, will you marry me?” Hyunwoo looked him dead in the eyes as he offered up the ring. 

“You— I— it isn’t legal.”

“I know. Marry me if some day it becomes legal or if we ever live in a country where it is. Or heck, we’ll just have a ceremony without the legal stuff. I just want to be yours forever, Ki. And for you to be mine. Both of us, together.”

“Oh god. You’re actually proposing to me in the kitchen.” Kihyun wiped away a happy tear. “Yes! Of course yes! Of course I’ll marry you, legal circumstances permitting!” He grinned and let Hyunwoo place the ring on his finger before they met in a tearful, giddy kiss.

 

________________

 

 

**Swans mate for life.**

 

“Lee Minhyuk.” 

Minhyuk was glowing with pride as he walked across the stage to accept his high school educational certificate. He accepted it and shook the man’s hand. Rather than simply shuffling off stage as propriety dictated, and as his classmates had done, he turned and gave a big thumbs up. 

**The hard work paid off.**

“Woo! Go Min!” Jooheon called.

“Save some of your accolades, that’ll be me soon.” Changkyun poked Jooheon lightly in the side. 

“Will you let me bring the banner I made?”

“No. No banners. Not this time and not next time.”

After the ceremony, Minhyuk made a beeline for his waiting friends. While Changkyun and Jooheon were both eyeing up the table of sandwiches, Hyungwon was talking with Kihyun and Hyunwoo. 

“Hey Dr Son! Nurse Yoo!” Minhyuk wrapped his arms around the pair. 

“You can use our names if you like, you know. I keep telling you.” Kihyun said. “But congratulations, by the way. I wanna get a nice photo of you and Hyungwon.”

“He’s like a proud mama duck, even though you’re a little older than him.” Hyunwoo laughed. 

Minhyuk stood next to Hyungwon, throwing an arm around him and holding up a peace sign for Kihyun to take a picture. 

“Put your hand down, do proper one.” Kihyun instructed. 

“This will be you soon, Changkyun.” The doctor warned as the younger pair appeared with sandwiches in hand. 

“Oh that’s a cool ring!” They heard Minhyuk’s voice chime out. 

“Thank you. It’s from Hyunwoo.” Kihyun said carefully. 

“Oh my god are you getting married?” Minhyuk gasped. 

“Uhh well he did propose but we obviously can’t legally get married.”

“Wow, congratulations.” Hyungwon shook his hand. 

“You gonna wear a white dress?”

“No!”

“Whoa congrats!” Jooheon slapped Hyunwoo on the back. 

“Thank you, Jooheon.” After a chorus of more congratulations, Hyunwoo announced he’d pay for dinner for everyone and the chorus of congrats quickly turned into thanks and fantasising what they were going to order. 

“Nice save.” Kihyun smiled and stood on his tiptoes to sneak a kiss to Hyunwoo’s cheek while nobody was paying attention. 

“Hey, Hyungwon?” Minhyuk turned to the younger.

“Um, yes?” He stopped in his tracks. 

“Can we get a dog?”

“Uh maybe. Yeah. I don’t see why not but we’d have to talk about it in more detail.”

“Yes! Can it be one from the shelter? I wanna get the ugliest looking one there because they’re the ones nobody wants.”

“Sure but it has to be able to keep up with you.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“I don’t think you need to ask. But yes.”

**You like asking.**

Minhyuk pressed their lips together softly. “Thank you for helping me. I wouldn’t have done this without you.”

“You worded so hard. I’m so proud. I know you were getting frustrated with your focus but you did it. Even with that setback.”

“I’m sorry I slipped.”

 **You saw things but he kept you grounded. He kept you in reality. Thankfully it only lasted a few days but those meds are awful.**

“Never apologise for needing help. That’s what I’m here for.” Hyungwon kissed him again and took his hand. “C’mon, lets go eat.”

“Aish everyone is so adorable and loved up and I’m dying alone.” Jooheon lamented, stuffing his hands into his pockets and kicking a stone along the ground. 

“Me too, I guess...” Changkyun wandered alongside him,

“Hmm...”

“Jooheon? Do you maybe wanna split some spicy fried chicken?”

“I don’t think the place we’re going to does that.”

“Then maybe we should go somewhere that does? Another time? The next Saturday night I’m here?”

“Oh yeah, sure thing man.” Jooheon blinked over at the younger. 

 

 

~END~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you! It’s been a wild ride! I can’t believe this story got so many kudos. I’m so thankful!
> 
> I hope this wrapped some things up for you guys but I still like to leave things open ended for people to draw their own conclusions on some things. I may in the future be tempted to write a little something focusing on I.M/Changkyun and Jooheon if anyone would be interested. 
> 
> ___________
> 
> In other news:
> 
> I shall be back soon with my next multi-chapter :D
> 
> Here is a sneak peek for you guys-  
> After having only teased at Showki in my previous work and had them as the side pairing here I think it’s time I gave them their own series.  
> Time for some gritty crime fiction with Officer Son and forensics expert Kihyun who wants more field experience. Featuring: Hyungwon as the socially inept pathologist and long time professional rival to Kihyun. Officer Lee Hoseok AKA Officer Bunny. Street-smart prostitute Minhyuk who has a history with Hyunwoo. 
> 
> So look out for **The Curious Case of the Man in the Trunk**


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